Welcome to 2024,

I look forward to this year more than i thought i would. I guess knowing that i only have less than 5 years before i turn 30, I need to make the most of it. First thing first, im ending my single era. Planning the whole 2 days for a year, that's definately something. All i can say, everything is coming together and i feel proud of myself. No one gives me enough credit for this, lol. 

Second thing that I do look forward, travelling. It has been TOO LONG since my last trip oversea. 2019 was the latest trip to blue eye folks. 5 years of unused passport,, By the time we could travel after covid, everything was super expensive! People like me, the ticket itself cost one and a half month salary, we needed to chill before planning that kind of travel. 

Lastly, career prospect. This year would be the year that I need to decide on my career path. Do i stay (get to stay) or do i walk away? Should i try something new? I'm still in between. I love stability and hate change yet, certain kind of changes could be good. Honestly, I only want to work until im 50 then, I want to rest my ass and enjoy retirement. 

How was 2023

A lot happened last year and mostly the unexpected things. 

I did plan my engagement.

I was relocated to another facility for work. Renew my contract.

I went to my first concert, yes.

Yet,

I didn't expect to meet YUNA live! Went to her meet and greet T_T

Family trip.

Actually scored taylor swift ticket for her europe trip!

Also scored coldplay ticket for his asian tour!

Tried organic deodorant, i mean, i hate stick deodorant lol

Future seems a bit exciting, at the same time, scary. 

As a human being, we are builted to adapt. 

I'll end my late night blog ( no one blogs anymore), with a sentence,

"just keep moving".

 It's been too long since the last post. I'll be ranting today. Something that I don't want people to read but it's necessary. 

I feel like I'm not a good friend. Or, my friends changed too much since we last met. I guess, i change too. Everyone changes to readjust and readapt to our environment and perceptions. Of course, what people say, matters. 

Maybe it's me because it is easier to blame yourself for things that you don't fully understand. It's easier to say, yeah, you are the problem. 

I feel disappointed that my friends turned down my invitation to hang. Most of it due to family matters. I get it but I can't just move on as usual. In the back of my head, i feel like, they don't uphold our friendship. I feel like, they should have squeezed some time to hang out. I sound like the bad guy, well if i'm being honest, I could be brutal. Yet, I choose peace. I said, i understand, hope we can meet someday. That is still sincere. I just left out the part where i'm being honest.

You can't blame me for being human. Of course, i'm hurt. Each time i look forward to meeting my friends, the ones who actually care about me, they don't feel the same. I'm not saying that you should ditch your family for me (eventho that would be nice), I'm saying that it would be nice to be part of your plan. If you actually thought of me and wanted it to happen. 

There's always one excuse after another. I get it. I'm not important enough. If i am, i would be in that damn itinerary. 

I shouldn't be expressing my trauma to my friends, I guess when you grow up lonely at home, you appreciate friends more. Now, a little too much. You feel a lot. You swallow most of it as it is easier to say nothing rather than confronting them. You don't want to lose them as friends. You will hate yourself if they leave you just like the others. They will see you as possessive. 

I just want to be included sometimes. 

It would be nice. 

You can have your life as you want it. I'll support whatever you're doing even if I don't understand them. I see your life from time to time. I prayed for you. I wish you the best. 

Maybe, i should be the one taking a step back to see the whole picture. 

Maybe i'm missing out on life more than I thought. I've been so cooped up in this small circle that i failed to see the bigger picture. 

I love myself. I love who I am and how much i care about others. If it is a red flag or toxic trait for anyone else, i guess it's good that they left. 

If you are my good friend then you deserve the truth, my honest opinions even if it's brutal. If we can't seem to be on good term, i guess we do grow apart. I appreciate you as a person and as a friend but i guess we are just that close anymore. 

It feels worse than breaking up but I do feel that towards some people who are close to me. It feels like shit but, we just have our differences. We don't talk anymore and no one actually makes the effort to keep in touch.

You can't be gone for years, suddenly you appear and act like nothing happens. It's not fair to me. 

As an adult, friendship is a commitment. Not as much as relationship but in order to have some friends, you need to keep in touch. The least shitty touch, once a year, happy birthday. 

Honestly, the moment you stop caring, i doubt there's any ship left. 

The moment you say, we USED TO BE, that's it. 

I really need to realize those things too. 

I shouldn't be hoping and begging people to stay. 

I should start to move on slowly. I should be the one who takes the first step of walking away as I'm using those 3 words. We USED TO BE close. 

There's nothing wrong with shifting your priorities. Other people did, you should do the same (dear self). 

You may not be good enough for others but at least you are enough for yourself. 

 hi folks, its been too long since i write any fanfic. ive been busy with reality to the point i forget how to escape it. Sooo, i was deeply inspired by oliver moy's new photo. (PLEASE GO SEE IT YOURSELF) please note that the photo is SS from his IG. 

if you're here and read it till the end, THANK YOU! this is an escape for me, i hope its the same for you too. i have a limited vocabulary and i describe things very simply. if you do find it great, thank you <3

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He has the look that melts anyone's heart that set eyes on it. He always looks so innocent and cute. I never imagine being among the first ones to see his devilish side. It was not even intended but I saw it! It doesn't make me want to run away from him, its the opposite, I'm more attracted to him than EVER!

Let's rewind for a bit. 

In order for me to have an excellent final year project, I need the perfect model. The person must be someone who has more than just a good look, I want to photograph the different side of the person. It is very different to be yourself when everybody decides who you must be. I want to portray something unlike any other people have seen before. They say, go big or go home.

Oliver. He's the barista at my favourite cafe which became very popular since he worked there. I can't blame the girls AND boys for wanting his attention to a point they know his working schedule! He also goes to this college, i heard his majoring in IT. He knows his usuals, i mean, he has a lot of customers yet he remembers what everyone would order. How i know it? Yupe, I'm part of his fan club. I hang out A LOT at that cafe. I had tasted the whole menu and remembered it by heart. I sound pathetic however, I never talked to him about any personal things. I never asked for his phone number, email or selfies. I would come every morning at 9am after my morning jog, order my usual latte, smile at him as he knows my name, paid the coffee, sat for 15 minutes before a crowd of girls arrived. 

Today, I have decided to Oliver. I hope he accepts my request to be my model. Honestly, I don't expect him to agree as he refused other people's proposals. Every single person in my class wants him to model for their project. They have solid plans while my plan will be based solely on my model. I have listed a few candidates but I pray to God, he would say yes to me. 

-Morning coffee-

The usual 9am coffee, he's smiling at me;

Oli: Morning Tanya, the usual?

Ta: Yes, please! Thanks,,

Oli; it would be 3.50.

Ta: (puts the cash on the counter) (nervous*)..

Oli: you okay? 

Ta: heyyy oliver,,, i know you're busy but do you want to hang out sometime? I mean professionally, I MEAN, err,, i need a model for my project sooo, i kinda hope you... let me rephase it, im soo soorry...it would be my honour! wait wait, that sounded cringe,, im sooo sorry, you can just forget it. (avoiding eye contact) i'll be there for my latte. thanks! omg im so loud, im sorry. i'll just go,, (walking away fast)

welp, that went well. at least, i didn't pee in my pants (almost). (let our a huge sigh of disappointment)

its been awhile since i talked to guy (asking out), let alone date a guy.. I admit how I didn't put any effort on dazzling myself to fancy a guy. why do i think the hottest guy in the campus would agree to a dork like me. I am just barely average for a college girl. People assumed i'm 30 sometimes. urghhh

' LATTE FOR TANYA'

omg, why is still Oli standing there? i should probably apologize again..

Oli: here you go! enjoy!

Tan: thanks,, sorry for earlier,, can you just (he walks away)...

oh great, now he's gonna start to avoid me.. dammit!

*the coffee cup* (YES! text me *phone number*)

wait...WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! IS THIS FOR REAL! this must be a prank! wait..... (i turn my head to my shoulder, i saw Oliver wink and grin) I rush out of the cafe, my face is about to burst into flames! 

-----

I waited until night to text him. 

Ta: Hey Oliver, this is Tanya. I hope i'm not disturbing you. Can you tell me when are you available? 

= 5 minutes later =

Oli: hey! i'm up for this weekend if that's ok. please, call me Oli

Ta: This weekend it is! I'll text you the time and location by tomorrow. I want you to be very comfortable so wear anything casual. We will work from there.

Oli: great! c u soon ✌

I can't belive that i'm actually texting OLIVER! 

----- the weekend ---

i managed to book a mini studio for 3 hours. for 3 hours, it will only be Oliver and ME! 

Oli: morning tanya! here's your latte.

Ta: oh wow, thanks! well, let's settle down here. (pulls a chair for oliver)

The theme for today, The Other Side of Me. 

I want you to show a different side of yourself. Let's say, you hate smiling but you still do it every day so you can frown as much as you want if that's what you prefer. You can try any poses that represent your emotions, just...enjoy the proses! Please tell me if you feel unease with literally ANYTHING!

Oliver chuckles,, 

What do your go-to playlist?

Oli: arctic monkeys,, it gives out,,my kinda vibe~

Ta: Okay! let's jazz on it while we get this done.

In his first pose, he sits on the floor, no smile, his gorgeous head slightly tilted, looking straight into the camera (and my soul), he pulls his shirt just a peak of his pack...

it's never too late to change course if you're still thinking about what to apply. If you ARE studying pharmacy, welp, too late for you.

If you're training to be one, all i can say, IT WILL END SOON. trust me, one year will pass by quickly because you will be super busy, packed and have little to no life. Maybe some, if you sacrifice the non-working weekends. 

as a junior fully registered pharmacist, if you get supportive and kind colleagues, work will be A LOT less stressful. Mondays would be blues if patients come non-stop. Life would be great if you make fewer mistakes.

as soon as you could make time for yourself, learn slowly on how to be an adult. I am among the people who believe that there should be a 3months course on How To Be an Adult. The should cover topics on financial planning, taxes, cars related topics, insurance topic, paying loan, cooking classes, how to style yourself better, skincare, hair related etc. Then, when you're certified, you should have a trial phase. Yet, we are expected too much as soon as we start working. ok back to the pharmacy thing.

This career is a career with a continuous learning process. You can never be master at it all at once. For an example, in my previous facility, it was not compulsory thing to know how to teach patient on how to use n!cotine gum and patch, in my current facility, i must know. Besides that, learning to adapt. Urgh, as much as i hate adapting, it's a survival thing. You MUST learn to adapt. You can't give excuses on being unable to do certain things especially when most of them could do it. So, learn to be a multitasker. It is important if you get into smaller facility. One person holds a lot of roles. The higher you climb the latter of seniority, the more you need to do. 

Try to be positive. If you're having a bad day, make sure you rise up for the next day. Not all patients are kind. I know it. I faced them 8 to 5 for 5 working days. Know that, most of them are grateful for us. 

Being mistaken as doctors, this one. I'm not sure how to brush it off. When i was a student, i would ignore them calling me as doctors. I would confess im a student if they asked me doctor-related things. Now as a working pharmacist, most of my patient knows which is which because the doctors must order their prescriptions in the system. If any mistakes happened, i just told them we needed to confirm with the doctors and it will take some time. yes, doctors make mistakes. Pharmacists are the last line.

if you want to be the best version of a pharmacist, always keep updated with the latest guidelines, join conferences to update your knowledge, and always read all kinds of stuff. Knowledge is definitely a key besides having a good working ethic (very professional).

if you're doing the bare minimum, don't beat yourself up. you are surviving. you don't need validation on everything. just do your job as best as you could and don't cause any problems. 

ive been scolded during my days,

i cried during those worst days

i laughed on happy days

i starved on busy days (lost 4kg during first 6m prp but gained back after prp)

i enjoy working so far

oh, have a solid plan at least on your final year as a student. it's very important to have a solid foundation on where and what you want to be. what kind of pharmacist? in this country, if you don't explore your opportunities, it will seem limited. i got a friend working in a huge company but they only hire 1 trainee pharmacist. so yeah, plan your pathway. 

life is never easy, yet, as long as you're trying, you're doing it right!

I do miss my school days. It's always a love-and-hate relationship about school. I hate the people who made it a nightmare. They made a huge impact on my life that I can never get it back. 

Here, im just gonna focus on the good old days.

The best year would be 2013. I confessed to my first love and got rejected. I cried over friendship fight and my shitty math skill. Above the hardships, I enjoyed most part of it. I scored top 3 for an exam before PMR. Got straight A's for my PMR. I mean, that's the last straight A's for my life. I went to Perak SPB camp and met good people. I am even still friends with some of them.

Well, here i'm sharing about that guy I met at that camp. Let's call him M. He was not in my group. He was in my friend's group. He was MCKK boy. Bear in mind that I never really talk to him in real life up until now. He was straight up from my diary. LOL

When the camp ended, I asked for his phone number from one of my friends. I texted him from time to time, the funny thing was, he responded to some of them. If i remember correctly, i called him a few times and we did talk on the phone for a bit. Things were definitely one-sided but who cares, i'm just enjoying feeling on cloud nine. 

One day, there was a final debate event in KL. My school was invited as spectators, i went to that event. I asked M, are you coming? (his school was the finalist and MCKK is known to send huge crowd to support) M said, im not going. 

You can guess it, HE ACTUALLY CAME! A AHAHAHAHHAHAHA im getting to it. The way God (yes, i said it, GOD) let me meet him, made me believe in destiny and faith. Straight out of the movie. 

Back to the story, at the RNR

I saw his school buses parked not far from our bus. I was a bit nervous as i saw familiar faces (his friends) walking around the RNR but i did not see him. I thought to myself, he said he was not coming, why am I hoping to see him.

We reached the place. There was a few other schools that came at the same time. There was a crowd of students heading to the same place. We went up by the escalators. I realized that in front of me were boys.  I realize a familiar figure. IT WAS M! I saw his face, i was right BEHIND HIM! HE DID COME! lol

We were kinda close due to the crowd, i could smell him (not intentionally! im not a freak, yet). I was not the most confident person as I know im not that pretty. I let him go. I didn't say hey or anything.

That's it. We did continue our interaction via DM on insta but he blocked me after awhile. My college buddy sent him a love emojis and he saw it! i had to explain that bullshit but of course it sounded pathetic. I'm okay it ended like that. We did have some 'almost' moments like, i was supposed to go to his university for a running event but had to cancel it last minute. He was there. Then, he did come to a starbucks nearby my house but i was not around. 

This story embeds in my brain because of how God let me meet him at that debate event. lol

Have you ever wondered like, why i didn't end up with him (ex)?

I have a lot of crushes during the old days. I admit, I am easily attracted to average guys and guys who were out of my league. Sometimes I just like to look at them. The thought of them is enough. I guess that's why I don't have any regrets when it comes to men. 

The thing is, even though we all already get on with our life, we still follow each other on insta. I could see how they are doing now. It just kinda clicks! I kinda get it why we couldn't be together.

We're in a different phase of life. 

Some of them just got a stable job, some of them live far away, some of them is still enjoying the single life and the list goes on. I don't think I am willing to wait longer to settle down while i'm in this stage of life. I want to put down my roots. It's either marriage or cool aunty. 

Then, in my other POV, i stopped chasing them. 

There were only 3 men who I put a lot of effort. I was sooo used to rejections, i didn't bother to improve myself to suit their criteria. Besides, I didn't prove to them that i'm worth it. I know i sounded desperate. I did mention 'chasing'. 

The good thing about those rejections, YOLO

If a guy rejected me, i moved on so easily to the next guy. The vicious cycle continues until I met H. You see, it easier to move on when you know he didn't feel the same way instead of you waiting for him to 'make the first step'. If you're a person who guys lining up to date, you totally cannot relate with me. 

I know that guys don't look at me twice. I accepted that fact. I find love the other way around. I approach men first. 

Thats all for now! 

 To be frank, I don't feel myself changing. Looking back, i realize certain things about myself that grew.

No one is the same person after ten years ago. You can even be a different person within a month. I guess, i realize 'how much' i changed.

I still love reading and writing but those things are not routine anymore. I love to look at the sky more often than before. I watch wayyy too much netflix. I kinda forgets how it felt to fangirl and fantasize about my favorite characters. 

Those are the silly things. 

They say, your brain fully developed at the age 25. You make better decisions and have better senses at that age. Some part of it is true. At this age, I want to be financially stable and built a new chapter. I feel like I am ready for the next thing.

I try to squeeze my weekend with meaningful things. Trying to create a work-life balance.

I feel a bit excited to be given those new responsibilities and how i was expected to be giving ideas at my work place. I start to answer questions from patients and colleagues. I am calmer in dealing with shitty situations.  I am not nervous about calling patients or calling doctors. A year ago, i really hate dealing with confrontations. Don't get me wrong, i still do. 

That day, I run over a red light and this motorcycle didn't wait for the light to turn green, he just went first. Both of us were speeding and both of us were wrong. I let go of the gas pedal as i saw him. It was dangerous but we didn't hit each other. Just FYI, my car is not tinted at all. He ride next to my car, he looked at me. I saw him looking at the corner of my eye but i ignored him. Why would i throw fuel to his rage? We are both at fault. I didn't want to be late. I just ignored the shit out of him. See, that ends there. 

When you had been through the worst of certain situations, you can handle similar problems better. 

I feel proud of myself. 

That's self love. 

Everyone should be proud of themselves. You deserve a tap on the shoulder.