Along your journey, have you even though about dropping everything you have and walk away. I do but im not good enough.

It did occurs to me that being 'not good enough' could actually bring me a long way. Yet, im not sure how. I know i can do it but im not sure when will i take that first step. Yeah, first step is always the hardest.

You see, i always wanted to travel and write about it. I want to learn literature, language and art. It is very fascinating. I want to inspire people to do great things. I want to live somewhere with 4 seasons. I want to be free from any negative shits. In general, i dream is to be a writer who deserve some credits and travel as much as i could.

In my opinion, dreams and ambition can be two different things. Why? It is because dream is something you can think of even if it sounds crazy, does not mean its going to happen in reality. Dreams. Ambition is something you are sure you have higher chances rather than your dreams.

My ambition, i want to be a good pharmacist. Someone who want to learn and appreciate the magical of the drugs. Someone who play an important role in crisis. Health crisis.

As you grow older, suddenly you have doubts about your studies, it take you backkkkk in time. I remember how excited i was when i learn about science. I love science A LOT. I take it serious each class especially during experiments. It was back in 2012. It was the same feelings when i found out that i love speaking and English. That was what i am good at. I remember those years where homeworks were not such a burden because i actually enjoyed it. I would finished most of it early or at least, i did it.

I know that day bu day i am learning a lot, sometimes too much, i cant help it. I dont enjoy it. It turns out to be burden. Those fail papers. Added with your lecturers assume those papers reflects you didnt study. You keep on getting all the doubts. You see yourself as not good enough in everything.

You realize that you gave up your dreams since you decided to do so, for me, i gave up on it since i didnt score well in my SPM. I barely could afford my degree, how am i going to travel with care-free. I envy people who actually did it! Im always and will be someone who never gets out from her comforts zone.

At least, im keeping this blog alive since i started in in 2009/2010. My contents are more personal now. I guess someday, i should make daily blogger for average-student-pharmacist edition.

I know that in order to make something awesome i need to sacrifice more than just my time and effort. There must be something more to everything. Am i ready to do that?

I remember back in the days, my matriculation days i guess, i wanted to join volunteer programs all over the world and even considering it as a job. Travel for free while helping people and learn new things form the unfortunate community and the best of all, inspire someone to be better. Then i had these programs in my faculty but i didnt give my time for those things. I was disappointed about myself and all those bullshits i had but as i had the chance i didnt participate.

Now, most of my money i spent on make ups, foods, skin care, books that i barely read, clothes, etc. I barely keep any money. I tried saving but yeah, my desire is such a bitch that i cant control. Im helpless.

I hope, in 5-10 years from now, i ll be reading this shits and laughed. Saying, "Ainul, bitch, you are exhausting even towards yourself. It turns out just fine." or ill be crying and agree to every shits i wrote about myself. or, i dont even have the time to remember this moment and read any of my old posts. Idk, life is unpredictable.

Lets just take a minute and pray for our life getting better. Ameen!

If you actually reach here, thank you. Thank you for caring.