It's been too long since the last post. I'll be ranting today. Something that I don't want people to read but it's necessary. 

I feel like I'm not a good friend. Or, my friends changed too much since we last met. I guess, i change too. Everyone changes to readjust and readapt to our environment and perceptions. Of course, what people say, matters. 

Maybe it's me because it is easier to blame yourself for things that you don't fully understand. It's easier to say, yeah, you are the problem. 

I feel disappointed that my friends turned down my invitation to hang. Most of it due to family matters. I get it but I can't just move on as usual. In the back of my head, i feel like, they don't uphold our friendship. I feel like, they should have squeezed some time to hang out. I sound like the bad guy, well if i'm being honest, I could be brutal. Yet, I choose peace. I said, i understand, hope we can meet someday. That is still sincere. I just left out the part where i'm being honest.

You can't blame me for being human. Of course, i'm hurt. Each time i look forward to meeting my friends, the ones who actually care about me, they don't feel the same. I'm not saying that you should ditch your family for me (eventho that would be nice), I'm saying that it would be nice to be part of your plan. If you actually thought of me and wanted it to happen. 

There's always one excuse after another. I get it. I'm not important enough. If i am, i would be in that damn itinerary. 

I shouldn't be expressing my trauma to my friends, I guess when you grow up lonely at home, you appreciate friends more. Now, a little too much. You feel a lot. You swallow most of it as it is easier to say nothing rather than confronting them. You don't want to lose them as friends. You will hate yourself if they leave you just like the others. They will see you as possessive. 

I just want to be included sometimes. 

It would be nice. 

You can have your life as you want it. I'll support whatever you're doing even if I don't understand them. I see your life from time to time. I prayed for you. I wish you the best. 

Maybe, i should be the one taking a step back to see the whole picture. 

Maybe i'm missing out on life more than I thought. I've been so cooped up in this small circle that i failed to see the bigger picture. 

I love myself. I love who I am and how much i care about others. If it is a red flag or toxic trait for anyone else, i guess it's good that they left. 

If you are my good friend then you deserve the truth, my honest opinions even if it's brutal. If we can't seem to be on good term, i guess we do grow apart. I appreciate you as a person and as a friend but i guess we are just that close anymore. 

It feels worse than breaking up but I do feel that towards some people who are close to me. It feels like shit but, we just have our differences. We don't talk anymore and no one actually makes the effort to keep in touch.

You can't be gone for years, suddenly you appear and act like nothing happens. It's not fair to me. 

As an adult, friendship is a commitment. Not as much as relationship but in order to have some friends, you need to keep in touch. The least shitty touch, once a year, happy birthday. 

Honestly, the moment you stop caring, i doubt there's any ship left. 

The moment you say, we USED TO BE, that's it. 

I really need to realize those things too. 

I shouldn't be hoping and begging people to stay. 

I should start to move on slowly. I should be the one who takes the first step of walking away as I'm using those 3 words. We USED TO BE close. 

There's nothing wrong with shifting your priorities. Other people did, you should do the same (dear self). 

You may not be good enough for others but at least you are enough for yourself.