Hi peeps! Hope yall having a good day. I rarely address my readers lately. I guess people grow out from their habits after awhile.
Lately i've been thinking about writing my own book for real. I've been talking about it since, forever! I don't see myself as a professional writer at all. I see myself as someone who loves to express my feelings through writing. I might not be able to describe everything as good as i imagine but i would love to have it as a book.
I had been writing since i was a kid as a coping mechanism. As soon as I learn what a diary was, I was pretty much hooked by the idea. In my own definition of diary, we write the events we want to remember the most or pretty much an invisible friend we have. A diary wouldn't judge anything we did. At first, I started writing because I didn't have many friends at home. I barely talk to my parents about my life before. Everything was a routine. As I grew older, I write whenever I have time. I used to have one diary for one year but now, i compile my degree life in one book because i barely write them. I'm more open in my blog tho. I don't mind strangers reading about my life. It was not that interesting, to begin with.
Growing up in this household, i realize that we have our own love signature. We don't say I love you everyday. We barely say it at all. Yet, we know that we do care for each other. It was kinda like tough love. Sometimes you just get fed up with your own old folks because they don't appreciate our gestures. Probably the western stories you watched in netflix played a huge part of it. You see this people talk to their children and how they show love and care to their children. I'm not saying my parents dissed me but I didn't get a kiss on the forehead before bed when i was a kid. I was not told to 'take care' every day before i left for school. It made me thinking. Does any of those gestures significant to kids while they are growing up? I would love to have them but unfortunately, non of us (siblings) got them. We were raised differently because of the gap age but we did have the same rules. We know what could make our dad mad and what not.
I'm 23 and i understand now why we didn't get most of the western shits we saw in television. We grew up in a different culture. Our parents didn't know what we know now. Lastly, they also didn't receive as much love as they would love to have. I guess back in the days, things were definitely tougher. You need to work your ass off to be where you are now.
I see my mum try her best to catch up with the time. She tried to improve her communication with her kids from time to time. We can't blame her because she didn't understand how complex a person's emotions could be. At least she's trying.
Of course we would wish our parents to have some characters that we saw in other people.
As my sister would say, 'Why can't we be like other normal families?'
I did wish the same thing before. I wish my parents would be more supportive and understanding. All they want to see is outcome but not the journey. You work your ass off then they provide a path for you to reach the outcome yet you still couldn't get it. They blamed you and see you as someone ungrateful. My dad says,'If I have the things you have now, I could reach greater things.' It sounds like shit whenever he said it. He said, pressure is good for you to strive.
Honestly, I could barely remember any good words he said about me. The real tough love is the relationship between my dad and me. It has not been easy even now. What makes it bearable now, i'm kinda too old to not speak out for myself. I need to explain a lot of things to TRY to make him understand. It would be his decision to either accept them or not.
So yeah, My dad is NOT my first love like you see in the television. I grew up fearing his anger. He did have his soft times with me. The times he made me feel safe and accepted. Yet, most of the time we just don't communicate that well. Currently, I'm the one who tries to make some kind of connection with him. At least he respects most of my privacy as a young woman.
You see, i believe other people has their own tales in the house they grew up.
I don't hate my dad. I did when i was younger but it was not hatred, it was numbness. I don't feel anything about him. By that time, his presence or absence didn't make any difference. I was too young to understand how cruel adult life would be. I also didn't give any chance to try to understand my dad's situation.
As the youngest, I thought i was given a free pass on 'try-to-understand' my family. They should have treated me as a spoilt young sister but all i got was the absence of most siblings in the house. If I didn't try to understand them, all i get is just a question mark.
I started to have a proper relationship with my sister (10 years apart) when she finished med school. Maybe 15 or 16. She was not in any of my childhood memories I had. Only photos of when i was a baby.
My elder brother (8 years apart), maybe when we started his degree but we still barely talks. I did hated him once because he never cares for me. Even now, we have issues with each other. He demands a lot from the people who actually cares for him. He is the golden child so he got a lot of passes in his life.
My second brother (5 years apart), he is the closest. He is a good brother. He listens to my stories, I trust him with my secrets. He is overall the one I love the most. Now, obviously my sister because we relate better.
Now, all of them are married and two of them with children.
Tolerate. It was what i had done and still doing to my family, most of the time. I can't request them to prioritize me instead of their family. That's how I show my love to them.
