I wanted to write a post after 2 months into the job but I didn't finish it. Here I am, almost 9 months into the job. Just a shy away from actually completing the whole year. 

I had work in outpatient, inpatient, office (DIS), and today mark my last day in logistic. 

Also, yesterday I just fully completed my outpatient log book and tests. One of the hardest tests I had taken in a long time. Actually, it was a repeated test, which means, I took the first one but failed (pass cukup-cukup makan which was not satisfying for my boss so she asked me to take another one). Now, I passed but not sure how much I passed. I could answer most of it but did not get a full mark in those sections, had some careless answer, thus, I'm not even sure how much I passed. Let's just be grateful that I passed eventho it's not in flying colours. I had proven to work as hard as anyone else but theoretically I'm not as good as others. 

The first few months were the hardest because I was lonely and I needed to adapt to a new environment with new people. I'm not sure of what to expect working, every day felt like dying. I cried at least once a week to release all the stress and burnout that I had been pilling over each week. As it went on, it felt better. I had a few people that I could talk too and ..

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Quick update, the above paragraphs were me 3 months ago. Here's the update version.

Clinical months were full with ups and down. Sometimes I think, everything I did was just never enough. I was careless. Even the smallest detail, if we missed it, would actually endanger the patient. I guess that was the beauty if medical practice. You are not allowed to make mistakes down to the smallest ones. 

Here, you wouldn't find any tips tho, just my side of story.

The first month, it felt so quick. I was too busy to care. Presentations were the worst as there was no proper presentation for you to refer. I depended on my senior's yet my dumbass just didn't think of adding more information. It felt incomplete. 

Whenever I though I had done enough preparation, I missed a lot of other things. To put it simply, I seem so dumb, that they almost had enough of me. 

The second month, I missed those small details which cost me my sanity. I had meltdown, twice to be exact. I'm not proud of it. I was so anxious, I just wanna die. I wish I stop feel those things but it's not easy. You can't just switch a button to mute your anxiety. 

I didn't prepare well for my presentations, well, it didn't go well because I missed a lot of information and details. I probably get 2 or 3 out of 10 for my presentations as out of 4 of my presentations, mostly just weren't done well. I hope the other work that I did may help with my final score. 

The amount of work that needed to be done, was a lot so I would come back late everyday. Even if I got off days, I never felt at ease. Thinking about what I had missed during those time. 

Overall, if I ever get to assign as a clinical pharmacist, I probably need a long time of tagging to get it done right. 

I'll write a happier story once I'm done with my first year of practice. 

:')