It had been awhile since any update in life. 

I had been busy especially for the past month. Racing to finish the syllabus, finish all the assignments before due. I mean, a lot needs to be done before leaving college and embark on a new chapter in hospital.

Honestly, I am scared. Clinical year is surely not a cup of tea. I am not a fan of patient care except if the patient is someone I know. I am not that good with strangers who are sick especially the hard-headed one. Idk, im scared of officers. What if they asked me general things but I was so stupid to answer it. Can I just skip this part?

Whoever admires my course or any medical course, just stop. There's nothing to be hype up. It's draining and exhausting. You need to bring your A game ALL the time.

Sometimes it does occur to me, like, why am I putting myself up with this stress and pressure? I know why. 1st, i need to prove myself to my dad that someone like me is capable to do it. 2nd, it is too late to move backward or start fresh. It is not an option at all. 3rd, just suck it up. You might find some interesting opportunities along the way.

Let's look at the bright side. I found H. I am now more accepting of all the bulls that I needed to cope with. 

I'm not saying it becomes easier but it did become bearable. That's all I need to survive for the next one and half semesters. Maybe some courage to get through all the hurdles. 

I hope everyone could go with life as what it is now. I know our struggles are different and I am not comparing. I just want you to know, we all need to go with the flow especially when we barely have any say in our life. Just suck it up until your time arrive. If life is sooo easy, no one is hurting at all.

I don't really have any story to tell but I do have some real message. I don't know who will be reading this but I assume some of you (strangers) might need this. 

Mental health exist. It is a real thing. You need medicines and counselling to go thru it. You need help.

Those who see someone is having a hard time, try not to make things worst. Try to listen more than 'advise'. Stop all the 'spiritual' advises too. It's annoying. Different people have different effect on them. Im not sure about the type and diagnosis but I am sure it is very very for that person coping it. The least you could do is try to be supportive in anyway possible. 

It's sooo hard to ask these healthy mind people to spare some common sense. I guess common sense is something you need to be blessed by. 

 Firstly please take note that I am literally taking a break from all of my case studies and my lecture notes to spend time writing. PLEASEEEEEEE appreciate my efforts ;')

This post is inspired after completing 10 episodes of Emily in Paris (NETFLIX) in 2 days.  It brings back 2018's memories like a rush of adrenaline after an orgasm. Ok maybe thats too much. It brings back memories. Thats all.

Let's be real here, I'm 22 and approaching 23 in less than 5 months. I can say whatever I want to. 

I could relate to how unfriendly people in Paris could be and how the subway smelled like pee sometimes. It is true, Paris is soooooo beautiful especially at night. The lights, the aura itself, you just knew its a city of love. The architecture, omg, it was sooo mesmerizing. Both in London and Paris actually. Even an old building, you could see admire how nice the building was built. 

In one of the episodes, Emily got lost because she felt like Paris was such a big place but actually its a small town. It does have a lot of different streets but in the end you find yourself not far from the place before. 

Let's begin on day 1.

We took a train from London to Paris. The best thing about taking the train was not actually the train but going to platform 9 3/4. Of course it was full with other tourist (literally) but I knew we just had to go there. We checked out early to be there. 

After we finished taking pictures, we rushed back to the station to find the train. Long story short, we got into the train and arrived in Paris about 3 hours of journey (if I'm not mistaken).

We were unsure to either take the taxi or uber to the hotel (ubis). Some people approached (like ulat ulat lah in Malaysia) sudden offer 'prices' on finding taxi for us. My dad (excuse his attitude) entertained one of them. I was clueless about this situation because I had no say in this matter. Basically we could get a taxi EASILY from the train station at the taxi place but these people said they could offer us 'better' prices by finding for us. Konon nya if cari sendiri rm50 pegi hotel tapi dia boleh dapat rm30 but we had to pay them some money for their efforts. 

As I was saying, my dad entertained this lady and she got us a taxi. The taxi was not even hard to find because it was parked just nearby so she was not really 'looking' for us. We refused to pay her because it was not really an effort and we just arrived, we didn't have small changes. The thing about Europe, their paper money was 5,10,20,50 if I was not mistaken. We only have like 10 and 50 as we never used any money yet. SO she got mad and cursed us in France (obviously). The taxi driver gave her some chances and talked to her about it. Then as he drove, he told us next time just take a cab at the cab place. 

Imagine arrived and your first experience was being shouted by this lady because of taxi. I had a bad impression. For a minute it felt like a huge mistake to be here. 

Ok, we arrived and checked in. We booked 3 rooms, my parents, my sister and her husband, lastly my brother and me. It was a decent room. My sister said the price living in hotel and homestay was not much different. At least the hotel was nearer to the centre of city because homestay nearby was much expensive. 

The first day, we took the subway to our destinations. We just decided to walk around first. Saw some Malaysians but as usual, they just glared. Ate melayu kan selalu lupa kaum bila berpijak kat tanah orang. Tiber. 

The differences between subway in London and Paris, we bought subway pass in Uk and topup when necessary while in Paris, my sister said buying daily ticket save some dimes but the cheapest ticket has limit time means you can't go far with the cheapest one, maybe up to 30 mins destination. 

The hotel was not far from the Eiffel Tower so we went there and watched it light up. We sat across the tower, like place people hanging out, picnic, smoking weed (yupe I smelled some, my brother said it was weed, what do I know. I'm still virgin from any kind of illegal drugs tho). 

Second day, we took the subway to the Louve. It was huge! Like, HUGE. I'm not sure on how to describe the place. So, you saw the pyramid glass from outside but that's just like nothing you imagine it would be. You took the escalator into the place and lineup to enter. Obviously the first thing you want is to see MONA LISA. The effort to reach ML was A LOT. The thing is, when I arrived and SQUEEZED my tiny ASIAN body to reach the painting, my height was not helping. You see, I'm only 157cm which in EUROPE size, I'm tiny. Compare to others, I'm only their tummy height. I saw ML, one tick off the bucket list. 

I got tired of walking and even hours there I didn't go to every inch of the place. It was enough and I think I had enough naked statues and paintings for that day. I went to the gift shop (which I could barely afford anything) but I bought some postcards anyway. 

We walked around from the Louve to any tourist site nearby. Took some pictures. (I'm sorry but i don't remember the names of the places).

That night, we go to Eiffel Tower. The line omg, was so fuc* long. There was only 1 elevator up available because the other one was in maintenance. We lined up from 4 but only got there after 2 and half hours or longer. We needed to change the elevator at one level, smaller ones to go up to the top. You had a choice to take the stairs to the level where you changed the elevator. My brother went up by stairs, yupe he was a crazy guy. On top, the view was like a dream come true. It's never as you imagine, it was BETTER. It took your breath away. It was amazing to be on top. 

The next day we went for a trip. We went out from Paris to Royal Palace of Versailles. We took one day ticket.  It was very sunny that day. Thankfully we bought out tickets online so at least our line was moving. I guess the best things about visiting this palace, I learnt some of the histories of France's Royalty. They gave us the device like mp3 to listen whole having the tour. You can key in specific numbers that were provided under the paintings to know the story about it. Of course they have human tour where they bring groups into the chambers and explain the things like why it was on the bed instead of somewhere else. 

The palace had such a stunning garden. You guys should google it tho. 

I guess that evening we didn't do much. 

We did visit Montmartre. You could see the ET from there. Besides that, we went to Notre Dame but this one we didn't enter. It's a cathedral so nothing much to talk about. Of course, it was beautiful! Everything was beautiful, no doubt!

We took our flight from Paris to Abu Dhabi and back home..

Let me tell you the 'susah senang' living there.

1. My parents brought rice cooker and we did cook rice, sardin, eggs (took from breakfast buffet) in the toilet. Hahahahaha! I mean, my parents thought it was smart because no fire detector (they were paranoid) and put DO NOT DISTURB as long as we were staying.

2. We ate breakfast there because my sister took that package to ensure we eat dinner only but boy, we still need food for lunch :') Only 1 kebab store near the hotel. Tahan jela lapaq.

3. We visited Starbucks there after visiting Versailles. It was a bit cheaper than in London but nothing much different in taste. The coffee tasted COFFEE okay, not sweet like in Malaysia ^^

4. A lot of ulat, i mean, no offence but a lot of negros who would want to sell keychains, waters or anything that they could all around Paris. Literally. They even want our ticket after visiting the Louve I guess to sell it back in cheaper price. idk man but the police outside the Louve wore rollerskater to chase them. They would run if they saw any police. 

5. Halal food was not convenient in Paris. Oh, all channels even movies are in France. 

6. In the subway, you need to be careful with pickpockets even in London. They even warned people in the train. Some gypsy (lady lah) would sing in the train and asked for any change. 

Let me be totally honest, the view was amazing but the people was not so friendly especially if you don't know France in general. The guys there, not all of them was hot, if you're lucky you will see some of them. I was unfortunately not so lucky. Will I visit again? I will but maybe not Paris for 5 days, maybe some other place or in countryside. London? Yes, I don't mind spending a week there haha because the people was nice and everything was nice there even the weather.

My story was not very detailed because I don't know how to describe but trust me if I said it was amazing, it was! 

 I grew up with huge year gap between my siblings. My sister about 10, my eldest brother 8 and my second brother 5. I don't really have childhood friends. I have a few neighbours that I played with during those days but we don't talk anymore. Honestly, we stop talking ever since they got into school and I was left playing alone ever since. I didn't have many friends during kindergarten.  Even if I did have any, we all live really far away from each other. 

When I entered primary school, it barely knew anyone so almost everyone I knew back then started from zero. I still hang out with some of them even now we are in our 20s. I knew some of their progress in person but at least I never felt so left out back then. We still live quite far but we meet from time to time. During those days I made friends on the school bus. That actually made me different than most of my other friends. I met different types of people there. I guess I met boys earlier than expected. I did felt left out that one time. Maybe two times. That time I still had other friends but felt a bit lonely on the bus. I was still a kid so it was not a big deal. Most of them I didn't reconnect up until now. By that time, fitting in wasn't a thing. You just enjoy your life as a kid. 

There was a time where I envied how my father cherish my elder siblings. I felt like I didn't get as much attention as they got (even now but I had moved on about it). One day I told my mum how she should have named my sister my name so I get to be the elder child, not the youngest because I hate being the youngest. I was a kid so excuse that immature ass. 

Made some best memories during those 6 years in school. 

Then the boarding school years, 5 years in total. I made an abundance of memories, bittersweet. 2011 to 2013 were the best years in school. I had fewer responsibilities and less expectations to achieve. I had less friend problems and I enjoyed my years. Friends became a problem once in awhile but it was manageable. I had my own circle and really appreciates my circle. I made some friends from other schools which was actually a bad idea. Most of them I didn't live near my house but I had some seniors who actually agreed to go out, hang out. 

In general, life had its ups and downs during those 5 years. I could make a series out of all those 5 years in school. My love life was such a mess and some other 'friend' issues. I didn't really fit in during those last 2 years in school. I had people who hated me, people disrespect me and talked bad things about me which were normal. Malay people said, asam garam kehidupan. Yet, it was enough. Whoever stood next to me was enough. Fitting in wasn't the main goal because at least I would finish school and not meet them again. How wrecked I was, I actually didn't plan to get attached to anyone on my next journey in life. 

Then foundation, matriculation. It was a brief of 10 months of my life but it was the best 10 months in my life actually. I met people who appreciate me, who values friendship like I never imagined by that time. I wanted it to last forever but studying was hard. It took a lot of hours and crying to pass matriculation. I had been rejected by a few guys without engaging them into relationships. By that time there were awfully a lot of immature guys. Even asking for a photo together could scare them. I met a friend of friend of mine. Friends were never an issue. I had a few fight but we got along back just fine. Of course I wish that friendship would last as long as getting old together. I wish nothing had changed between any of us. The most selfish thing I ever wish for is, I wish they never replace me with someone else. That was how attached I got with them.

As foundation days were over, it was time to pack the begs and restart all this get-to-know things again. Try to 'fit in'. Try to blend in. Just, survive. 

Due to some circumstances, I was the last person to register for my course. At first I knew that I needed to make effort to make friends. Unlike in matriculation, our lecture consists of 200+ people, the whole matriculation had about 2000+ students. In my course, we have 50 people in class and we do everything together. Besides that, my parents insisted I live at home and drive to campus every day. It made my plan worst. I barely making friends who actually want me because I was barely around after class. I have a curfew. 

The first year was okay. I thought it was still early to make any progress. I mean, I should try harder maybe. No one actually paid attention on how desperate I was except for H. Well, some just thought I have H so I don't need any girl friends. I was invited to one birthday party up until now. No one actually throw me any birthday celebration except my boyfriend because they never bother. I never had any proper bonding with any group of friends from my own class. In conclusion, no one actually cares how I feel about this. 

I could try as hard as I could but will end up with nothing. I have friends, I have friends I talk freely, I have close friend, I don't have a group of friends who actually cares or invite me to any outing. Even if I was invited, the time was not convenient for me to go. 

Imagine how friend-less me and H (yes H also felt like this sometimes even he is surrounded with his housemates). I'm not saying they never talk to me but I was not included in any social groups.

I'm in no place to force people to do so because I just want people to 'want' to invite me instead of doing it because of sympathy. 

So,

If you are not invited to my special days, any special days, just know you guys never cared before. 

If I was not invited, I'm fine because I got used to it ever since we knew each other.  

So dream something weird last night after Fajr prayer. I only remember only half of the dream but it's good enough for me to actually write a short story regarding it. 

I dreamt I talked to my friend who I barely talk even when we were in school together. He was a very popular boy because of his mysterious vibes and he was (still) good looking. He didn't socialize much with girls. 

I saw him like in a gathering. He still has the cold vibes but he didn't ignore me. He even spent a lot of time with me in the dream. He was soft-spoken and a real gentleman. The fact this dream actually made me felt something, I just knew that I needed to write something about it.

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I went to a camp with zero expectations and 100% being forced.  My mum told me I should make more friends, socialise. It's exhausting to be surrounded by unknown people and sing, dance with them. Well, its either that or I must stay with Grandma.

As I arrived, I saw other parents sending their children with a smile because they could come home to empty house and no trouble. I was sent to a room filled with single beds with no private space. You only have space to walk between the beds to get into or get out of the room. I guess they expect you do everything on your bed. 

This camp was 5 days 4 nights. I'm not sure what was it about, maybe something about bonding souls. I KNOW IT SOUNDS RIDICULOUS. 

I went out for a walk. This campsite is a typical type because it is surrounded by woods and located near the river bank. As I was walking near the water, I saw a boy who looks familiar. OMG it was Micheal. Micheal went to the same school and we had a few classes together. We never talk because both of us don't really socialize with people. What makes Micheal known in our batch is the fact he is good looking but his heart is as cold as ice. He never smiles even to teachers. He didn't join any sports but still has a damming body. This was what I heard. 

I barely have friends at school. I just prefer not to have any. 

Suddenly Micheal turned his back and he saw me.

"You look familiar."

Instead of saying anything back, I just walked away. I didn't feel obligated to respond to him. I barely know him. I just want to get through these 5 days without really involve with anyone. 

The first assembly.

I seat with my roommates. I barely remembered their names but at least I recognize their faces. I saw Micheal from afar. I guess he had made some friends because some of them are talking to him. We were told that we needed to be in a group of 5 consists of both males and females. We got the chance to be in any group we want. As we were allowed to start recruiting other members, everyone panic. They all rushed while I just stood there. I don't mind being the last one to be picked or even being on my own. Instead, Micheal walked to me and said to his other groupmates, she's cool. I greet the other groupmates, we have Sara, Jason, Harry, Micheal and Me. We (they) voted  Micheal as the leader for our group. As the leaders were called to pick our first assignment, everyone (girls) looked at Micheal. Even though we were in a different place but the attention Micheal attracted was the same.

After we finish the activity for the night, we were allowed to rest for the night. As I was walking back to my cabin, 

"Racheal, wait up." (Micheal)

I just stood there while he walks towards me.

"I know we go to the same school. I hope we get along here because I barely know other people."

'Me too. I'm sorry I ignored you earlier.'

"I would do the same. See you tomorrow. Night."

'Night'

It's very surreal to have Micheal addressing me casually here. Even we barely know each other.

==============================================

Day 2

1. Jungle tracking (morning)

2. Learn about saving drowning people (after lunch)

3. Discussion about Talent Night (after dinner)

============================================

Day 3

1. Tressure hunting (morning)

2. Canoeing (after lunch)

3. Night walk (after dinner)

==========================================

Day 4

1. Flying fox and survival lessons (morning till after lunch)

2. Free time. 

===========================================

Day 5 (final day)

1. Last assembly

2. Last preparation for Talent Night

3. Talent Night

=========================================

Day 6

Saying goodbye 

Let me summarise what actually happened during those days. 

Day 2. During jungle tracking, Micheal almost slipped but I caught his hand. I'm not sure if I saw it right but he seems to be blushing. That night, we decided to do 'Modern Romeo and Juliet' as our performance. Obviously, Micheal as Romeo while Sara as the Juliet. I'm happy to do most of the props because I have stage fright. 

Day 3. We started our tressure hunting ahead of other groups because Micheal managed to pick number 1. I felt while running to the last pitstop because I stepped on my shoelace. I hurt my knee real bad. Micheal carried me ALONE until we got to the last stop. I cried while he carries me on his back because I was afraid to see my own blood. I was given a break from canoeing because of my injuries. Micheal appeared in front of my cabin with dinner in the tapuwer. He said nothing. He just knocked on the door and left the food. I couldn't lie, it made my heart moved. I was flattered.

Day 4. We were asked to catch our own fish and cooked it. It was the first time I saw a smile on Micheal's face as he caught the first fish for our team. My careless ass cut my index finger while cleaning the fish. I immediately screamed and cried. Well, this time, Harry came to rescue because Micheal was busy fishing. 

During free time, a lot of girls came to our group practice to see Micheal performing with the Romeo outfit I sew. He looked charming, thanks to me. I styled his hair like how Korean oppa would look. I'm kinda happy I see how all the props were coming together. 

Day 5. Everything when well actually. We won the best bonding group because we finished the tressure hunting first. Overall, Micheal did kill his part as the Romeo and got Best Actor award for the night. The highlight of the night:

I saw girls line up to take pictures with Micheal. Instead of joining the line, I walked away. I saw the moon was bright and beautiful in the sky. The surrounding, away from the crowds while the river streams sound so loud as if it is singing. I sat near the river bay, admiring nature. Out of the blue, I hear footsteps approaching. It was, Jason. 

'What are you doing here alone?'

"Just enjoying my own company."

'I barely hear you talk during our time here. The sense of mystery you had given me actually attracts some guys.'

"Oh. Well, I'm afraid it's goodbye. I barely speak because I prefer not too. Nothing mystery about me that would interest you or any other guys."

'Even Micheal finds you, hurm, different. '

"-speechless-"

'It's getting late so, get back to your cabin before you get into any trouble.'

"You go first. Jason, I appreciate our conversation. *smile*"

Jason just smiled back. 

I sat there for another solid 10 minutes, I heard another footstep coming. As I turned, I saw.. Micheal.

"Do you mind?"

'Not at all. I'm about to leave anyway.'

"Can you stay?"

'Sure, why not.'

"I need to be honest with you. I think you're cool."

'I know. You said that before introducing me to your friends.'

"I mean, I mean, I admire you."

'Thanks? I'm not sure what you're trying to say.'

"Actually, I was so relieved to see you. I thought, at least I have someone to talk to. You were hopeless at first. Haha!"

'Haha.. I'm sorry.'

"No, no need to apologize. I admire how you were not afraid to be yourself. We barely know each other even after 5 days stuck together. I also aware that we never speak at school but can we give it a chance? I respect your space if you decline me. I guess I'm ready to try this out. Something out of a friendship."

'Is this a confession? I ... I think we can try it. -pause- I don't really know how this works but I guess I'm ready too. '

We didn't even look at each other while we talk. Yet, I could sense his smile.

Just like that, we got together and now, we are still together!

 It had been a few months since we actually see each other. We are officially out as a couple because we decided we don't need other's approval to hold hands or kiss in public. We can be happy and others can suck it up!

I guess my dad already noticed Aidan picking and dropping me home. He hasn't said anything about it YET because this thing never happened before. I'm not trying to hide Aidan from my family but I'm not ready for 'the conversation'. 

Let me be real honest, since Aidan and I officially came out as a couple... some girls did took interest in him as if he's a popular guy in school. He received a few notes in his locker and the look they gave him in the hallway EVEN when i'm right beside him. I hate to mention it but Nancy, yes, you guess it right. Nancy slowly trying to get close to Aidan. She even changed her desk with some guy to sit closer to Aidan. We didn't hang out ever since, maybe the library incident. I know I shouldn't be overthinking but knowing he gains tons of attention indeed made me anxious sometimes. 

D kept on telling me that I shouldn't worry about that because Aidan is devoted to our relationship more than I imagine. Maybe I should give it a break and enjoy my life. 

Today Aidan asked me out to the park for some kind of mini picnic after school. As the bell rings, I rush to the parking lot. I saw Aidan talking to Nancy ... he is smiling and .... is he blushing? Then Nancy walked away.

'Hey! Let's go.'

"Hey, you're kinda early huh. I need to fetch some supplies."

'Ok.'

He starts the engine. We stop at a waltmart to buy things to eat at the park.

"You're pretty silent today. Did something happen?"

'I saw you talking to Nancy. What were you guys talking about?'

"Oh, that. Nothing. Nothing important."

-silence-

"Are you jealous?"

'Should I be?'

"I don't think so. She was making jokes about Mr James in Spanish. His wig moved while he was writing on the board (laughs) . "

'You guys were walking together from class to your car?'

"Yes. Is that a problem?"

-silence-

'I should leave. I don't feel like going to the park. I'll take the bus.' (Starts to walk away)

"Wait, (hold my arm) I'm sorry if you're not happy with me talking to Nancy. I'll keep that in mind. I appreciate your honesty with your feelings. Is there anything else I should know about?"

'I don't feel comfortable with you getting the attention of others lately. I feel insecure sometimes. Yes, I am jealous. *sigh* I just, -a pause- the fact you had a major crush on Nancy... Now she's making herself available to you ... It's just doesn't add up well. Why now?'

"Hey, I know you had a lot in your mind lately. I can promise you that you have nothing to worry about. I have noooooo feelings at all to any of those girls even Nancy. I'm with you now. I am lucky enough to be given the chance to be with you. Let's not let others ruin what we have.'

'I know but, it had not been easy for me lately. I'm, sorry if I'm being too paranoid or exhausting to you. I just..'

"You are not exhausting, at least I'm aware of this. Hey, come here, *tiptoe, tried to kiss my forehead* 

'You're cute. Hahahaha!'

That's how he would act whenever he had lost his words to consult me. It is silly but it always works. It made me feel better. 

We left the waltmart. He drove us to the park. The park is filled with kids playing at the playground and some dads playing catch with their sons. It's just a normal park.

It took five minutes or so for us to actually start talking with each other. I'm a talker but whenever I'm with Aidan, I just prefer how he starts the conversation. Sometimes, he would say a word and I would pretend I didn't hear it and it goes from there. Some other time, he would stay silent until I decide to go back. I guess his presence is good enough for me to feel, safe? Maybe less alone. 

"You see that kid over there, I think we share the same height but he is definitely younger.. Do you think I'll grow taller or ... it's already game over for me? Maybe I should get a knee surgery or something."

'Hahahahaha! I don't think you had stopped growing. Maybe puberty is just stuck in traffic. You'll be taller! Trust me. Guys stop growing when they reach 20, around that I guess. Unlike me, I had stopped growing in height. One day you maybe you don't have to tiptoe anymore.'

"I will still tiptoe for you. Anything for you *making his cute face*."

'Good for you. Aidan, you do know you are free to hang out with your friends. I'm fine if you need some space.'

"I know and you too, can do the same. I rarely see D with you."

'She's busy lately. She said she needed to make extra money for college but I think she's seeing someone because I went by her workplace the other day and they said she's not in today. I respect her privacy so I think when she's ready, she will tell me about it.'

"I thought you guys talk about everything to each other. What do you think she's hiding from you?"

'It must be important because she never did that since... nevermind. We still talk during lunch.'

"Go hang out with her tomorrow. Maybe she wants your company but you are not available."

'I always make myself available for her. Even when I'm with you.'

-silent-

"Be honest with me. Do you think our relationship could go far?"

'Honestly, I'm not sure. I think if I lose you now, I could still breathe. My mind would still be sane. The thought of you being with someone else would disturb me but I could get through it. Am I making any sense? Why do you ask so suddenly? Do you think I'm not serious about us?'

"Nancy asked me out.."

'Oh. (pause) So what now?'

"I already said I'm not available anymore. I just, I just want to know if you have faith in us. We had been together for about three months now. We barely talk about us. I'm not rushing us but I need to know for sure about your thoughts."

'I don't get it. I feel like you are not telling me how you feel about us. Just, *looks away* tell me what you have in your mind right now. I bet declining Nancy was not as easy as you said you did. You must have had doubts about us because or else, why are you telling me now? I thought I made myself clear how uncomfortable I felt when we talk about Nancy in particular.'

"I'm just expressing.."

'Just cut to the chase Aidan. You want to give Nancy a shot. You want to know how it feels being with her. You want to relive your imaginations about her. You always have Nancy in the back of your mind even when you're with me. I can see it in your eyes how sometimes ... *bite lips* it looks like you're not here when you're with me. Maybe, I don't know, do you imagine me as Nancy when we ... when we ... when we're together?'

"No! Never! Ah.. why.. why do you need to go that far? I mean, *sigh* am I that pathetic?"

'I don't know. You tell me.'

"Now you're just pissing me off."

'I need to go.' 

I just started to walk away. Aidan didn't even stop me. 

I took the bas home. It got me thinking along the way. Am I being too jealous? I am overreacting the fact Aidan still had some feelings for Nancy? Am I in love with him already? *sigh* Maybe I should give him more space or I should let him chase his dream girl as I'm just holding him back.

I know my feelings matter but, what if he is just being kind. He stays because he felt that I'm too lonely by my own. 

I should at least tell D about this. Maybe she could give me an insight on what should I do next. Shit, i missed my stop. I got off the bas the next stop which is about 10 minutes walk from home. 

I saw Aidan's car. He waited for me? I guess I'm overreacting just now.

'Ai...da..' I saw Aidan is in the car with someone ... and the shadow of making out ... two people kissing.. I can't stop myself from walking to the rear window.

It's Nancy....

'Aidan.'

Both of them seems shock to see me. Aidan quickly push Nancy aside and he step out from the driver's seat.

"It's not like what you think."

'It's kinda obvious what's happening right now. You didn't seems force at all, the kiss surely seems more like eating eat other's tongue.'

"I made a mistake..."

'The moment you kissed her back, you had made the choice to end us. I mean, *shook my head* near my house? Are you that eager to show me that you had choosen Nancy? We're done here. Get out from here. I don't want to see your face anymore. '

"Stef, please, listen to me. I made a mistake!"

Life is full of surprise. I managed to hold my tears until I got into my room. I managed to cry silently. I thought .. forget it. 

I am hook on Heather by Conan Gray. I mean totally hooked! I can' stop listening and reminiscing. 

I was born in 7/3/1998 and i found 2 boys who turned out to be born the next day. 

The first guy was my first love.

The second guy was my ex before H. 

Chinese loves the number 8 because for them, 8 is a lucky number while 7 is unlucky. Maybe it is true. The way i see it, 7 and 8 cannot be together. Both of the boys broke my heart pretty hard. It took me years to move on from both of them. 

I wrote the story about my first love. You can see a post back in February 2019. I didn't mention much about my ex. Maybe this time I'm gonna share about him.

Honestly, he was a good person. I was his first girlfriend back then. We were in the same batch in school but different class. I took biology as my major while he took techno. We never had any conversation but I did remember I passed my addmath paper to him (2014) once.  He was among the clever students who get good grades and top ten sometimes in our batch. I still didn't pay attention to him because I was waiting for someone (maybe next story).

One day, (2015) I realize we always got into the same bus to go back home. The next holiday I asked him if he needed a ticket back because i'm buying mine. He refused but he did get into the same bus. Since then, we did exchange numbers and text from time to time. We got closer.

I still remember one holiday, I told him I'm going back this weekend. He said he needed to stay at school for some tutoring. I was fine. I took the first bus to the station. Most juniors also were going back so the bus was almost full suddenly, he walked in. He gave eye contact which got me nervous. He stood near me that day. We as we reach the station, he managed to get a ticket with the same bus as mine. That day, I just knew he lives nearby my house. 

He was there during my hard times where I didn't have friends supporting me. He was there to answer my calls while I cried. He was the first person who I could see some sparks of future. Someone who could probably get the hang of me being myself. 

He never demands anything impossible. He was not talkative but sometimes his silence looks express his true feelings. How he looks when he was worried. How he would asked some of my friends about me. 

As we were officially a couple, some said he looks more confident.

He would rotate the same clothes for night prep so sometimes I would intentionally wear the same colour as I predict he would wear. LOL  

We would study together sometimes. He hated Chemistry so that's the only subject I'm better than him. He was good with technology thingy, one day im not sure what he did but he made my gaming accounts (POU and candy crush), gained tons of coins. I still used it up until now.  

He was my first date. A date that I go with him without any friend accompany me. 

He gave me hope. He gave me a glimpse of happiness that I had never felt with anyone else. I had hope. 

As we completed school, the thing between us was well. We live nearby so going out was not hard. We stayed connected until.. we got the results. Our SPM result. Of course, he got better than mine. 

We got into different foundation schools. The long distance relationship began...

The first few weeks were okay. 

A week before the end of the same month...things suddenly became sour. 

Without any proper explanation or reasons, he treated me like an option. He said hurtful things. The way he acted, he wanted things to end but he was toooooo coward to do it himself so he made me do it. He made me end us. Ended what we treasure for almost a year. 

As soon as it ended, I cried at night for almost a month or so. Things were hard with study and now this relationship ended. I felt like my world became pitch black. I was happy with my friends while I kept most of my sorrow buried inside me. I cried at night when everyone sleeps. After almost 2 weeks, I felt stronger. 

Suddenly he texted me saying something so nice and so unexpectedly. He broke me for the second time. I felt harder to the ground than before. I was hopeless. 

I barely spook to any other guy besides my classmates. I didn't remember how to socialize with boys again because I was caught up in a future that did even exist. By that time, I thought I don't have to go through that phase again, getting-to-know phase. I thought I could tell my kids, mum and dad were highschool sweethearts.  I thought he was the one. I thought we were enough. Both of us.

I was too young to realize how things could change in the blink of an eye. Even feelings. Even a person. I was fooled by myself and my hopes. 

It took me a year and half to meet the next decent guy. But I changed..

I was always scared if H would be like the last guy.

I didn't put any high hopes in H. Even after almost 3 years with H, i still said, IF WE rather than only WE.

I put my guard up.

I looked up for any red flags while with H. 

I should have left as soon as I knew his birthday. I should have known. 

 Idk for sure what God has for me but what i do know, anyone born in 8/3 is just going to hurt me emotionally for at least a year. 

A person could change another person in any possible way. You would just end up being surprise. 

 The first thing I thought about that night, should we keep it low or keep it hype? I am kinda nervous to see Aidan tomorrow. I barely slept that night. I was surprised on how fast I agreed to try this, relationship? Maybe I should just go with the flow. Try something I never thought I would do. Life is too short to ALWAYS make the right decision. 

The next day.

Aidan texted me in the morning,

"Morning :) Let me pick you up today. See you at 8."

I usually go to school with D so I called D and told her I had a ride today.

'D, I'll tell you the rest at school, I promise!'

"I guess something did happen last night. It's okay. See you at school."

Then I texted Aidan, 'Yeah sure, see you at 8'.

I jumped out of my bed and took a real quick shower. I tried to wing my eyeliner but it was a disaster. I decided to brush off everything from my face and just wear sunblock, some face powder, IM DONE! I wore a simple jean jacket and black pants. I skipped breakfast because I'm not ready for my parents to see Aidan. So now, I'm waiting for Aidan sharp at 8 outside. Of course my parents were surprised on how I behaved. 

Aidan arrived. I immediately got into his car, 'DRIVE DRIVE!'

The duration to reach school would be 15 to 20 minutes top. I imagined Aidan would start talking anything until we reach school but he only gave me a smile along the way. He hums to the music and laughs at the DJ's jokes for some reason, it was not that funny. 

'Hey. Can we talk about last night?'

"Yeah, sure."

'How do I start? I'm not sure how are we doing this.'

"Just be yourself. We are casually hanging out, I guess. Are you suggesting something in particular?"

'Not really. Hurm ... '

"Just speak your mind because I could see that you are disturbed. You are holding back yourself from saying something."

'Can you stop reading me like you could hear my thought.' (He shrunk his shoulders)

After 5 minutes of pause,

'I know we are exclusive so behave like one.' I walk out of the car because he doesn't deserve to see how red my face right now.

Ting! *text from Aidan*

See you at lunch ;)

As soon as i stepped out of the car, I saw D who just arrived at the parking lot. I ran to her. 

'Hey D! Morning! I need to talk to you ASAP.'

"At least let me park my car, God!"

--- as soon as D parked--

'Last night Aidan kissed me. '

"Oh, wow! Someone got laid!"

'We just make out, nothing more but he said shits about being exclusive. I mean, I got nervous today. I..'

"So he told my morning ride with you today?"

'Sort of? Does it matter? Let me finish. I don't know what 'exclusive' should mean? Should I start text him or should I care about him like, i don't know.. I'

"Girl, slow down. You need to chill. Okay, it means he is looking forward to knowing more about you. It is up to you to let him in or leave him hanging.

Hey, why are talking like you never been in a relationship before? You know how it goes from friends to more than just friends."

'I'll give it a try. I am soooo rusty with this 'human interaction'. '

"I'm glad you're a monkey then."

'Heyyyy'

Maybe I'm thinking too much about this. Maybe I should just stop looking at the map and drive wherever I feel like going. 

I see Aidan at lunch. D joins us. I was worried if D might make fun of me hanging out with Aidan but she seems cool. She told Aidan about how fussy I could be sometime but I never leave her without apologizing that day.

I realize some eyes looking at us (Aidan and I) when we study together at the library that day. We had to do some research with our debate assignment for the next meeting. I would be debating (for practice). We didn't even laugh or being intimate in public. Maybe some just aren't used to the idea of senior(the girl) hanging out with a junior (the boy).

I saw Nancy and as soon as she saw me, she walked towards me. 

"Hey, I didn't know you hang out a lot with Aidan."

'I needed his help with our assignment. I did tell you about the debate club, right?'

"Right... You guys look more than just doing assignments. Am I the only one that felt that way?"

'Apparently, the whole library seems to think that way. Those eyes were following each of our steps. We are not even loud.'

"Hey Aidan, you look .... glowing. Did you did something?"

(A)"Hey Nan, I'm kinda busy. Could you talk to Alex next time? We need to finish this now."

"Okay *rolled her eyes* I'll leave this love birds alone."

Nancy walked away. 

'What was that about?'

"She's distracting you. You need to focus! Look, here's another mistake."

Now, this is the Aidan that I know. The annoying Aidan. 

He gave me another ride home. This time, he talks. 

"I've been thinking about what you said and I have to agree. We didn't have a definition of being 'exclusive'. I figured, we should try a few dates then we decide if we're actually fond of each other."

'Why do you sound like our 'exclusivity' could be debatable.'

"Everything is debatable even the colour of your pants could be debatable."

'What's wrong with orange pants?'

"It doesn't go right with those (pointing at my tshirt)."

'That is your personal opinion which is not relevant to the argument. We only refer to facts.'

"Opinions could be a solid point especially if it is pointing to an obvious mistake."

'Oh wow, well how about the fact a 16 years old boy who managed to grow only 5'3.'

"Ouch! That is not a flaw. It's just how it is."

'Now you sound bias.'

--10 minutes of silence--

"I'm hungry, can we get some hotdogs?"

'Me too. I know a place.'

We stop for some hotdogs which located not far from the school. We basically ordered from window. While waiting for our order,

"I'm sorry if I said things I shouldn't."

'It did sound awful but you do have a point.'

"I want to be someone who you can freely without any judgement. I think you should know that I ... never been in relationship with anyone before and .... i know this will sound sooo lame but actually you were my first kiss. If you exclude the drunk kissing."

'I had never been in a proper relationship before. I had been on dates but mostly ended so quick I barely knew how it felt to be with someone. D always nags about how single I am so I made up some story about this long distance relationship I had been with this online guy. I needed some space from her nagging. Pfft *we laugh * I think we need to take things slow until both of us are comfortable enough for, whatever's next.'

"You look so attractive when you sound like a genius. Did anyone ever said that?"

'You're the first but I already knew about it.' *we laugh at how silly i sound*

I felt like a huge burden just came off my shoulder. I don't want Aidan to have high hopes for me. I agreed to try but it doesn't mean things will end up well. Right now I wished it will be well but who knows how it would be in the next weeks or even months. 

He sent me home. Before I leave he gave me the puppy eye look, so I patted his head as if he's a dog.

"Heyyyy.."

'I thought you wanted a pat because your eyes are asking for it.'

He just leaned and gave me a smooch. Oh.

"Okay byeeeeeeeee."

He just left. That boy...such a cute boy. 

Can't wait to see him tomorrow :)