Have you ever thought about people who actually looked at you in the eye and appreciate your presence. Why they stay? Why they accept you? How they actually willing to cope with you? Things like that.

There must be something that makes them stay.

As for me,

I am someone who grow up with expectations but deals with a lot of disappointment. At some point of my life, i find my life is like an unsolve riddle or infinity of equations. I tried my best to catch up with myself. To actually WANT to know about myself. What i want, dream, aim, etc. What I realise, knowing yourself is not enough if you ignore others. Yet, people is like an addition to the complicated math thingy that i hate. Not everyone. Some people would provide a guideline to solve them, some just prefer to be the pain in the ass. I mean it.

I am grateful to EVERYONE that actually take time to solve my equations or at least cope with it.

I know that I have to work harder to catch up. In almost everything. Studies, relationships, eating.

I don't know about you but most of the time, I am the girl in the background of your photo that you dont even know existed. Most people wouldn't even looked at me twice because I am not that attractive. I am not the kinda girl that scores in class. Cutting to the chase, I am just any other girl with loud thoughts.

Yet,

There are those beautiful beings that actually pay attention to me. The one that say, You look pretty today or I miss you!! The one that miss my presence. The one that willing to spend their time, effort and such for me. The one that accepts my flaws. The one that laugh at my jokes. The one that find me weird but still hangs out with me. The one that doesn't care how i look or dress or my grades to talk to me. The one that smile back. The one that accept my flying kisses. To everyone that actually want me around.

I know the feeling of having no one around. I've been in the dark and I admit that I am not proud of it. I am not proud of most of the things I did, I said.

Having positive and supportive people means a lot to me.

No matter how hard I tried to be a lone ranger, I would try to find anyone, literally anyone, to hang out or talk too. Being alone, IS THE DANGEROUS ZONE.

I know, not everyone understand my message here. I just wanted to say.

The person that gives effort in the friendship or any relationship, actually want it to work. Even if you think she/he has friends, actually they dont have a true friend. They have trust issues. They kept a lot from the world. They might seems like any other stranger but within them, there are a lot you could gain from.

Even if they dont say you meant a lot for them, that doesn't mean you are not. You are, it just, its not easy to actually tell someone how they meant.

I guess, th easiest way to say it, if you felt hard or insecure or whatever about socializing, THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE FELT THE SAME THING. If you dont break the ice, no one will :)

Dear dairy,

What did i do wrong? How can i messed up too much... Life just seems so blur right now... Nothing seems to be in plan. Or at least as expected.

Did i not work hard enough? Did i took anything for granted? Is it my sins that blocks my success. Or is it just the faith is playing games with me.

I know i used to be strong. I know that i usually could handle stuffs the right way. I know no matter how shit things turn out, i would usually get on my feet again even as a cripple. I know that, one day, i will look back to this day and laugh at myself for being naive and thinking too much because in the end, inshaaAllah things would turn out great. Hopefully...

Its just, its not easy..... your friends getting at least satisfying results while you, you cant even say anything. You thought you work hard enough, now you know its not hard enough. You wanted to at least keep the scoring make sense, yet, its not.

It felt so wrong... You had been studying since your whole life. Yes its different stages, yes its different things but still.... everything is knowledge.

You got everything you wished for. You are not starving. You are fit physically. You can walk, talk, write everything perfectly. You live in a peace country where you dont have to fight for any rights. You already have it. "All you have to do is study hard" Thats what my dad always told me.

How worst is my result? Worst enough i am not even able to tell my dad about it.

I know ive been here like last year and in 2014, yet here i am, reminiscing the same moment.

Its the moment where you question yourself about your choice and such.

Keeping saying to yourself that its okay. Improve yourself. You will manage it. You will get through it as usual. Every tears and depression will be worth it. This is just the beginning of something new, dont expect too much. Kesiankan lah diri tu..

You know any motivation that you could think of because in the end, you only have yourself. That fragile body, soul, and every cell that work for you had been with you for almost 2 decades.

I know that almost everything now just makes no sense at all. Like, what the hell am I doing?? I should just took counselling while i still had the chance yet you took pharmacist and girl, it too late for a change. Alang alang tu habis kan lah.

Ainul, its okay. Ainul, listen to your heart whispering, its going to be okay. Have faith. Its okay to feel something. Its okay to have this moments so you know that you are still in your comfort zone. You know what you have to work double triple. Penat sekarang takpe. Jangan penat nanti. Jangan menyesal nanti.

"Rejection. Failures. Depression" It makes you more human, makes you improve yourself to be a legend!

Its funny how at first you felt nothing but the next day you felt for everything.

I guess, at first everything seems fine and normal until one moment you just realize how ridiculous you are acting. You realize that you are putting too much effort on making things work while the other person didn't even realize it.

You want to make them happy so you find the right way to make it happen. You are going against your own rules to make it happen but they dont even realize there are rules.

You wanted to know them but they dont share the same interest on knowing you back. You are the one trying to keep things flow.

I think i reach my limit. I am pulling myself back. I am done trying to make things working anymore. I am done trying to be 'good-enough'. I am done telling myself "Its okay to hurt yourself ainul."

I want to start saying " I dont want to be hurt anymore! It is not okay to be hurt! It is not okay to always be the fucking options. It is not okay to act like its okay all the time. It is the time you should start to take care of your own heart of your own feelings too." It is not about being selfish, it is about showing others that they are acting selfish first. You are just following the lead.

I dont blame people for accepting me for a friend. I dont blame people for treating me anyway they are. I am fine with it. What i am done negotiate is, people that look at me and find me not good enough. They thought they are making it easy for me. Not its not easy.

Why do i have to compete with others just so you can get the advantages? What makes you qualify to take me for granted? Should i start to rebel so you would realize? Why must i prove myself to get the title when others just got acknowledge without going for a war like me.

It is because i am not pretty enough? Not bright enough? Too stupid? Not in the same reputation?

I give up. I quit. I'm sorry but im just going to walk away. I dont want to be presence in your happiness anymore.

Assalamualaykum, HI!

This whole sunday at home got me thinking and i got myself wayyyyy deeper than i should. Yeah you know about "overthinking" and such.

I am the kinda person that always have 'motivational' words that i would tell myself each and every time i felt like shit. It doesn't matter because of my self-esteem or im just having a bad day, i would bounce back from my lowest state to my normal state, most of the time. Honestly, sometimes i didn't bounce, i dunged my own grave deeper than i should. Sometimes you gonna die first to feel alive. Does that make sense? LOL

I realize that no matter how strong you appears to look or how independent you are acting, you are totally dependent on something else. I mean here, despite the 'i-can-live-without-a-man-in-my-life' statements or 'i-can-live-on-my-own' or 'i-dont-need-friend' or 'im-doing-better-that-i-ever-was' or thousands of 'i-am-okay', you still depend on something else. At least something that makes you feel stronger and confident.

I can't really define what is the 'something' that you depend on because it could be subjective. Not everyone has the same thing that gives them the motivation to be independent.

Am i making any sense? LOL That just shows how deep my thoughts are until i can't really explain what am i talking about properly.

I guess the 'something' is like a motive and propose you do anything because without it you cant really do anything because you need to know why you do it.

The process to seek for a motive, for some cases would literally take a long time. I mean, you didn't just born and know everything you want to do. You might have some plans but trust me, most of the plans will not work as you imagine it would.

I guess i am here to say, IT IS OKAY TO depends on something/someone because when you grow older, most things/people will be gone.

You can no longer fit your favorite shirt, you can no longer talk to these people because they are busy with their own life, etc.

You don't have to go through shits alone. It is okay to find a shoulder to lean on even just for that moment.

The bad side about being independent, you would become more selfish and think of yourself more than others because it is easier that way. You become heartless. I dont know, i've been there for a few months. I thought i was being someone better but actually i am drowning in my own agony. I pushed away people. I gave up on my passions, i forget my dreams, i was lost in my route to a happy life. Being in the corner of the room by yourself is not as healthy as you think it is.

Playing with your own emotional is like playing with fire. You can burn yourself with your own thoughts and become crazy. You would hurt people around you unintentionally.

I know that not everyone understand your struggle, not even your parents. We are not rise in a way where 'sit down and talk' is a thing. At least that is me. I dont really discuss with my family about my issues. I would go to my friends. Sometimes i would tell my mum at least or my close siblings. It is more on telling my opinion about something instead of asking from them. It is just easier for me. Hiding your pain is easier. Endure it alone. Yes it makes you stronger but the process to be 'stronger' is like going through a war. You dont really need a weapon, you just need supports.

That is why i say, it is okay to actually depend on something or someone.

How can i start talk about him? Hurm, he is definitely special. A good friend too! I think one of the first guy that actually accept me for who i am as a whole.

If you had been following me in my Twitter you know i mention about him countless time. He used to be my crush for this pass few weeks. Its funny how i look back and remembered that we just knew each other about 3 weeks ago and now we are like best friend!

We were in the same group for one of my subjects. When we actually held our first discussion i was super nervous because he would look at me almost all the time as he explained. I mean, maybe because I was literally next to him. Maybe.

Then, I just decided that i wanted to be paired with him to work on our subtopic. We started to text each other due to working. Then, after sometime, we just realize how much in common we had. Since that i actually had crushed on him.

We were very honest with each other. We would tell each other almost everything now. Almost.

Even we disagree about some things related to our grouping assignment, we still come out with mutual understanding. I would love to observe him whenever i had the chance. Even if he caught me looking at him, he would just smile! LOL ikr

He is very caring person. He would try his best to help and to be concern about most of the stuffs. As we know each other personally, i was totally falling for him until the day, we talked about our social accs, he asked me how to search for this mystery girl's twitter. I almost drop my jaw....

I could hear the sound of crack deep down.. LOL Then i understand that he is indeed looking me as a friend. A good friend, thus a good friend what i will be. The thing i, he barely realize that some of his actions actually made me flattered. Well, you have to understand how slow a guy could be :')


The way he remembered the small details.
The way he would smile at me and how he made those hilarious faces.
The way he would try to comfort me that its okay to do it this way.
The way he would tell me what he will do next so that i dont have to wait.

And how my friends keep on telling me how cute he is. I mean, i know!

Yet the sparkles disappeared in a blink of an eye.

As i understand how he look me as a friend, every gestures that he showed i know that it is just as a very good friend.

We still argue, our argument irritate others.
How close we are made others thought we as more than friends.

Yet, we know that we are just good friends.

Am i suppose to be sad? Am i suppose to give up? It had been 3 weeks only, i bet its just nothing.

Today, we got closer, i mean, the friend way.

We handled the booth (our group assignment) most of the time together. Even we decorate and prepared the booth together, we would work together! You can imagine how close we had become. We were decorating it after 9pm so it ended about 1am, he actually accompanied me to buy some drinks and we walked together to our blocks. He tried to cheered me up last night because i was so exhausted and sleepy.

He would actually answer all of my ridiculous questions. I mean, duh, how can you not like this guy after you know him this close?!

Today he treat me Subway because he made me missed my lunch on last Monday. At first, honestly i am not even sure if I should actually go out just both of us. Yet, we were not even sure who to ask to come with us. In the end, after some talk and such, he said we should just go for it. I told him that if he dont want too, i would be fine. I mean it! We could find other day, I would be fine.

I mean, he is like the only guy that had seen how terrible i would look throughout the day.

Well, i think i have a lot to think about.

First of all, is age a problem for you in choosing a partner?

In my humble opinion, as long as that guy (because im a girl) is not older than any of my siblings, I guess it would be decent. I mean, honestly I would refer someone slightly older than me because mostly they are mature. Well, I mean, someone who is lack of experience but full of judgement like me would have that kind of opinion, I guess.

A guy choosing a younger girl also make sense. I mean, most of them like "young looking" girl. (most of them) Honestly, i cant blame them.

If a guy that prefer an older woman, we must look at the other factors. I mean 'older' here as a lot more older, not just 1 to 3 years. Here is what i think logic:
- already became close since small or for a long time
- younger looking
- successful
- rich
- being seduce and that guy has no other options
- desperate
- 'love is blind'
- mother-like
- caring and sweet

At this time being, thats all i got.

Am i being sarcastic? I am being honest. I mean, as long as you are happy and your partner is your 'dream come true' then i guess its okay.

I am here just to say what i think suppose to be said.

I dont care who you are with or whatever. Its just, if your family is against it, dont you think you should at least listen why?

Life is not just about love. You can simply say it is because you are madly in love now. "Love is blind".

Okay, if you are a successful person, dont you want a successful partner too? At least someone in the same level. I know how the theory of "susah senang bersama". It make a lot of sense for the time being.

I know that i am toooooo young to judge or complaint about something like this. I sound insane! I know...

I witness many types of relationship. I learn that love is unavoidable. Being alone could be brutal. Broken heart felt unbearable. Its would still be okay.

Once you settle down, suddenly you changed your mind that lead to another broken relationship until one day, true love.

Once you settle down, your dad against it yet you still make it work. You never give up to prove that its the best decision you made. You improve yourself. Yet, it would never be easy to actually gain the trust back.

Once you thought you settle down, you decided to take another path. You said you are hurt but you are hurting others. There are still a lot awaits, still, you choose the rough path.

Once you thought you settle down, yet you go against the current and ended up having 2 family...

Once you thought he/she is the one, they broke up with you with a lot of excuses. All those years together turns to ashes.

Do i need to give any other situation? I've been there as an observer to a lot of relationships by the people around me.

I dont care if you want to go on with anyone.... all I can say

Choose wisely.

There are a lot to chase rather than just a person.

That person might be permanent.
That person could be a lesson.
That person could be just for inspiration.
That person is just another pit stop while you are walking towards the destination..

Assalamualykum :)


It has been awhile since i actually have anything that I wanted to pour out sincerely.

It had been 2 weeks with my degree life. Honestly, It went well. Not as harsh as i imagined.

If you actually know me in person, you know how I planned my life since i was a little girl. Everything went well until at the age of 16. Honestly, not much well.

At the age of 5 i had my first crush but my best friend actually got that boy. When i was a little kid, I was so scared of crossing the road. (ill back get here soon).

At the age of 9, i had a crush on someone much older. Just 5 years. I prayed that one day i could sit beside him in my school bus. And i got it (lol)

At the age of 12, i had my first boyfriend who was 3 years older. It was totally my fault because i just wanted to see if someone actually like me. Its not even love.

At the age of 14, i had my second boyfriend ( my own classmate) who ended things a few days before my birthday and an asshole ever since. HE even felt for my best friend and ruined my next 2 years. Im actually glad she ended things with him harshly. He deserve every bits of it. Karma bitch!

At the age of 15, i found my first love.... my own best friend. Nico (i called him). Nico broke my heart eventually. I didnt blamed him because it was my fault for being someone that is not even myself. I would try my best to be the good friend. I never showed him my true self. What i hate,what i love. My weird side etc.

At the age of 16, i thought i found someone but, he is just someone that stay as friend until now. A very very good friend. We share most of our sorrows and questions together. I cant blame him. I cant blame anything about us. Its just faith. Honestly, I cant actually fall for him anymore because I just cant. All my love and care are just as friend. As part of family. Nothing more.

At the age of 17 and above, honestly, like a wracking ball. Everything was so uncertain. Everything was so blur. Everything was and still,brand new to me. Full of surprises. Let me tell you why.

Never ever i expected that a few of my friends still stood beside me.

I had a very interesting journey in matriculation. Let me be specific. I know everyone want the details.

At the age of 17, I actually have the courage to have a boyfriend again. I think, my hardest relationship yet. Someone who love to hold back and burst as i was at my lowest point. Instead of being supportive, he would blamed me and bring back whatever he was unhappy about us. Not most of the time but, the time he did it, i cant help myself from being deeply hurt. Well, it didnt last longer than a year. We broke up around 2 months before the anniversary. It broke me to tiny pieces. It felt like... well you know breaking up is never easy.

Oh, the break up was when i was 18.

18 and early 19 was my matriculation life. I enjoyed it even it was the most stressful 10 months. The first 5 months was epic. The next 5 months was interesting. Honestly, the friendship that i built during those 10 months were priceless. Mostly of the are great friends! I can never replace them even if i have other friends here.

I think, the longest year and one of the hardest year is 2017, at the age of 19. InshaaAllah more to come ;)

The year of complication. Can you imagine, i met Nico after all those years... Just a glimpse but currently we are studying in the same campus.

I never imagine myself driving on my own almost everyday.

I never imagine myself crossing that huge road everyday because i need a good spot of parking and need to go to my class.

And i am actually taking pharmacy courses.

Everything i said, mostly are just the tip of the ice berg.

I know that everyone had their own story. I just share some highlight of my story.

I had failed some tests, quizzes, let down expectations, being blamed, being hate, etc. I think my lowest point was when that one time, i literally had no friends... I was so alone. I was lost.

I had been through some family complications. Even my friends were speechless about it.

If i could change anything? Yes i would but, honestly i dont know what. It would still lead to another mistake. Lead to another complication.

A smile that hide a lot of tears.

It make sense if the person that laugh as i do was actually a lonely person. I held back a lot of things. Things that for some people would be unbearable, some would think its too stupid to cost a lot of pain. Well, i could bare it so its true Allah give people what they can handle. :)

I am not here to complaint about my life. I am bless a lot!

I am here to say is okay to always be the one tapping your own back. Its okay to do easy things the hard way. Its okay to hurt a lot. Its okay to do mistakes as long as you did your best. Dont be too hard on yourself. IF it ended up happening, it will still keep on happening.

The un-expectations makes your life more interesting. Trust meeee :))

Assalamualaykum, HI!

I finally got my own laptop. It is my family tradition. We would receive our own as we got accepted into degree level.

Yes, i finally got into unikl for bachelor of pharmacy program.

I registered last Friday and I actually attended the evening class.

To be honest, it is like one of the proudest thing i had done for awhile.

Can you imagine losing hope? Can you imagine finally accept that you are worthless and you kinda good for nothing for your family. Alhamdulillah, finally something.

I almost lost hope. I already planned ahead my journey as 19 years old teen that got nothing right until the day i finally get accepted into anywhere.

Wednesday, someone called me asking me if I had entered anywhere and so on. To be honest, I thought it was just another person who wanted me to enter another private collage. A few minutes after that, I i got a phone call from unikl themselves asking me about my personal information.

The next morning, i was awake by a phone call saying I got accepted into unikl for bpham program. I took me awhile to finally digest the information. I was holding myself from crying but then, I told most people that I finally got it!

Then, my bff called, asking about it, well, i finally burst into tears of course. I just accepted myself for everything and i just declare 2017 one of my dark days.

I registered and at first, everything seems okay. Then, well, when it is something that i never planned or ready, i faced some problems.

For me, i call it as 'stress'.

I dont have my notes. I dont even know how much i had missed. What if people cant accept me? Things like that.

Monday morning, I woke up and tried my best to be calm but i ended up vomiting. Not the sick vomit, the nervous vomit where nothing came out.

To be honest, I am still not over it.

My parents dont want me to stay at the provided hostel, so i would drive from home every morning. At first, everything was going well. Then, after a very long day of class, it is indeed tiring to drive back home. It is just a 30 minutes drive but still, very tiring.

The subjects? Very scary.

Most of the lecturers are good, kind and helpful. Then, this scary Mr S, he ever targeted me in my first class with him. At least he acknowledge the new student i guess.

Friends are okay but i bet i am that annoying bug that try so hard to mix around. Most of them, i just met so they dont know much about me. I wanted to be myself, it is getting easier from time to time but kinda, you can say, too fast. I know that i should just relax and go with the flow, things are not making any easy any time. Yet, it is getting harder.

I think, one more thing is, my class representative. LOL

He is super kind. At first, he was annoying because he didnt clarify some things about notes that i should print myself. Then, after sometime, he actually helped me a lot lately. I guess he is trying to be friendly as a leader. Overall, he is a decent person.

I do have a lot in mind, but i cant simply express it due to lack of information and my English is rusty. I cant totally describe it as how real it should feel. Honestly, it is not fun to write or say things that we cannot evaluate properly. It will not touch any soul.

I guess, thats all for now! :)

Assalamualaykum~ Hi peeps.

This is literally just a random post. Usually I would post at night but then, it occurs to me that i just need to write these.

Does it ever occurs to you that your plan never works out as plan? Like, you plan to get ice cream instead of getting the ice cream, you got yourself a chocolate bar. Maybe because the ice cream store is close or the flavour you want is not in stock or you just find chocolate bar looks more interesting. There are a lot of possibilities. Each of it, no matter how weird it could be, it still make sense with your story line.

Well, nothing is easy with any possibilities that i had been through. I know a lot of people had been through a lot than me. I always remind myself that everyone is in their own race. You cant expect to be in the same race if your road are not the same.

I am 19 and I am still waiting for what course am i going to proceed.

Others who are 19,

Already in USA with scholarship and having their life as planned.

Already working and has a fiancee.

Already become a CEO of his/her own company.

Still dont know how to read or count.

Already pregnant.

Already got married.

Already have a family.

Already has a degree.

Already die.

That is what i mean by not in the same race.

How can you expect someone in India age 19 who barely have money for its daily meals to be like me, waiting to continue a degree. You cant simply judge someone for being slow or unlucky or too lucky.

Each one has their own storyline.

I admit how much i envy most of my friends or other people. Hoping to live their life. That luxurious life.

Then, it occurs to me....

"yeah, she is indeed pretty but i dont want to wear as revealing clothes. I dont prefer fake lashes. I hate high heels. That clothes looks too tight! "

"I wish i have that relationship. But i dont prefer to go on vacation just two of us. I dont prefer bla bla"

"I want to study abroad but, (i dont work hard enough. There are times i take my education for granted. konon ikut mood punya pasal)"

And it all comes back to me being myself. The pros and cons of being me.

The me that

uphold my principle of dressing up like a Muslim. As decent as i can. I remember back in the days where i would wear handsock and skin sock most of the time im out. How i would ignore people looking at me like im soo shaggy dressing up because I am wearing long and big clothes. Yet, i realise how much i had changed and ignore less about my principle just to be trendy. Its heart breaking to realise how ignorance you are from who you used to be.


study whenever i felt like. Dont work hard enough. Blames the system. Ignorance.

tried to find the guy i deserve but forget that you must not find.

has a lot of dreams but do nothing to fulfil it.

I do feel wronged by myself because i was not working my ass out to achieve what i want. I keep on saying to myself that its impossible. I said a lot of things that pull myself back. I dont even believe in myself.

Yet,

Whenever my friends needed the strength the spirit the right mind, i gave them my best. I told them to get up twice as much as they felt. I convinced them that faith has its own funny want to make us greater and so much stronger.

And whenever i felt the same way, they would say the same things.

Am i the only one that dont listens and ignore everyone including myself? That is the main mistake i guess. I realise it now. I have to start listening.

I start by listening to myself. The good voice within me.

Reminding me about, how much i really want to

study abroad.

travel the world as i please

make my own make up brand or open a make up factory

be helpful in charity

meet the icons like Oprah

meet my favourite singers and actors

write a book


Trust me, a lot of things. Some of it even sound impossible like having my own private jet. As funny as it may sound, thats what i have in mind and i know its not only me.

You guys have a lot in mind too. What we have in common? Our dream of making own parents the proudest one in the world. The time where they can rest and join us on our wonderful journey. Bring them to wherever they want to go. Buy them what they had always wanted. Anything for both of our parents. We are not buying them yet we are giving them whatever that make them happy. Of course they are always the first plan.

As im saying, the new plan? Yeah, create a new one. As you are growing older and mature, you must not forget the 'old you'. The one that has a lot in mind. That dream a lot. Its okay to postpone it. Yes, dreams can wait but time will not!

As the old plan cant be in your way, make it still happen. Change the plan. Plans will always be changing because faith has its funny way to restore the balance of the world. Nevermind, still, make it happen.

As you grow old and grey, trust me, you will miss those days where you were strong. Where you had those chances that you missed. Now, you felt like the world is against you, well they are not. They are with you as long as you are with yourself.

I cant make anything happen by talking and typing. I have to start taking actions. Maybe not now, maybe later. yeah, i as much as i hate the word later because I know i had been taking a lot of time for granted. Waste a lot of opportunities.

I am holding to " Patience is virtue. There will be the right time to take a step. All you have to do is making it happen."

I know im in a very slow motion race. I cant race if i cant see the road clearly. You guys can go on, i will catch up later. :)

Remember, there will always have plan B

Assalamualaykum~

Are you guys excited about what im about to tell?! I do! I must warn, A LOT OF SPOILER ALERT!

This netflix series got me glue to the screen. I am addicted to it. It took me about 3 days to finished the whole series and I AM SO EXCTED FOR THE SECOND ONE! It took me about 4 days to complete reading the whole book.

Yeah, i watched first, then only i read. LOL

Lets get into it.

HERE ARE THE CHARACTERS



OK

1. The characters.

In the series, each characters are built with personality, family, relationship and reputation. If you guys at least watched it, you'll understand why i said this. And for the one that only read it, well let me clarify it for you.

In the novel there are not much of description. They dont say much about each person except for hannah mostly.

I understand, in order to make a series out of it you must built a strong living character into it. I totally get it but not everything is tally with the novel. Yes, not everything.

In the novel,

Tony is clay's bff. He does have mustang.

Coutney has straight parents.

Sky used to be clay's crush.

In the series,

Tony is gay and used to be with ryan.

Coutney is asian with gay parents. And a lesbian too.

Clay was a mentor to his charming baseball senior. They even built his parents characters. His dad dont even exist in the novel (LOL)

Jessica's father in military and such.

Bryce the damn rich pampered kiddo.

Justin who has family problems and such.

Long story short, they actually built a character on their own. In the novel, they dont describe anyone as asian or tall or black etc etc. Yet, I still love it. You better damn watch it~

2. The scene

In the novel,

Hannah describe that she had been having dreams about Justin kissing her in the playground and she knew it was going to happen.

Clay finishing all the tapes in one day. Its more to his reactions.

In the series,

A LOT ok. I mean duh, its 13 episodes not one ehh. So, there are a lot of addiction. It almost go with the flow. I could say most of it are exaggeration. Let me mention some of it that are not in the novel,

the memorial courtney made.

the ball dance where clay and hannah were dancing (the night we met song)

the hiking tony and clay

of course, ALL THE GODDAMN REVENGE. Clay didnt even throw the damn stone to tyler's window.

sorry to disappoint you, courtney and hannah did not made up. so as clay and sheri. LOL

3. Not even close to be a fact from the novel

Clay cycles to school, but Hannah did.

Sky working in monets.

Yeah, FML for the JAH (jessica, alex, hannah) its actually OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE

i said it... LOL

The lawsuit. Not even in the novel

The bakers had shoe shop instead of a drugstore.

Hannah died by pills instead of cutting her veins.

4. Almost similar

Based on the novel, things are much linear i guess.

Bryce did raped Jessica but he only fingered Hannah on the tube.

How much Clay love to looked on Hannah.

Hannah play hard to get with Justin is true but they dont have it in the novel. I mean, it does not describe. The writer.

Mr Potter is the counsellor and THEIR ENGLISH TEACHER

The poem that hannah wrote. The novel and series version are not the same.

Clay got his scar in the end of the novel.

5. My impression about everything

Both novel and the series are excellent. The messages are still the same. The story line are the same with a few touch ups but im buying it. I think, if you guys are as obsessive as I am about this 13rw, then watched and read it. Compare and come out with your own ideas.

I guess that all i have. FYI, I LOVE ZACH. hahahaha!

Thank you for reading till the end!

Assalamualaykum

It has been awhile since any like, personal stories from me.

Well to be totally honest, nothing much about life.

I know its very surprising on how less dramas are right now. I guess maybe i dont have much people to think of. I dont have a person who i want to dream of. I dont have a person that distract me.

at first i feel fine. As months passed by, i feel lonely. I know i do have friends but the kinda lonely feelings that only certain people would understand.

I do consider about having someone back or take someone as distraction but i dont find that 'someone'. currently i am indeed staying at home and i dont meet people as much as i used to. Mostly my family, customer (helping my sister's business from home) and the postman.

I dont flirt in the internet. I dont meet my old friends.

Talking to any guy even on the phone are pretty awkward and gives me the nerve.

Being around with any boy (stranger or friends) become more uneasy and scary for me.

I had changed since i broke up. I dont speak to guys as freely as i used to be. I dont have much friend as a guy who are not my classmates. Mostly because my friends are with them.

Even i got a person to misunderstand me as quite because as i dont spoke much when we were eating together. I mean, yeah its not easy to let someone you barely know to actually see who you are.

Some people will not understand how weird i could be actually. I mean, some people do have the side where only a certain people they let to witness it.

I used to be very free but now i am letting my guard up. I am still who i used to be but just to some people. After i broke up, i was so broken i literally gave up on relationship. Almost all the boys that i had a crush on were jerks.

Luckily i still believe on the true partner is man. Still straight. I just stumble upon all the wrong guys to meet the right one. I guess. I donno.

Watching some of my friends who are madly in love or caught up in love issues or just stumble upon what you called as relationship, make me feel a bit left out.

Right now, like currently, I am indeed in the midst of confusion.

I am not even sure of what i want. Do i want a relationship? It is just me feeling like he is trying. I take all of his signs as jokes because i dont want to expect anything. I mean, we barely know each other. We are far from each other. We have different standard.

Well, what sucks still sucks!

One thing guy, please dont be an asshole and a total jerk even if someone is trying to be your friend. Not every stranger that greets you, LOVE YOU. Just jangan nak perasan sangat then make lots of assumptions. Kalau rasa dia lebih lebih, cakap. Just be damn honest instead of being A FUCKING JERK.

Assalamualaykum~

Hi! I had my interview like months ago,

Most of my friends that applied for maths, physics, chemistry, computer stuff were chosen for interview via video. They must submit video of them talking in front of the camera to youtube.

For someone like me, i got for optometry. I applied that as my first choice.

Well, the day before the interview, i went to kl. Yeah, im from ipoh. I never been to any ukm campus so as i arrived, i waze to the fakulti sains kesihatan ukm in chow kit.

I checked in nearby hotel, trust me, loads of hotel nearby.

The day of the interview, my friends told me to go really early or not we must line up soo long. I went there about an hour early.

I took number from the counter 'optometry' .

Filled in some paper and wait for my turn. I was 20+.

As i was called, i found out it was a group interview.

TBH all of the questions are as expected.

There was three lecturers that interviewed me. They asked why we must be chosen, what are our specility and one random question.

YOu may answer in Malay if they asked in Malay but I do courage you guys to speak english because it could make you look more ready.

Some questions that you guys need to prepare and tbh if you the kinda nerves freak like me, do practise talking.

Questions like,

about you. The course. Any random fact about the course. Anything about the university.

Lastly, they will ask you if you have any question, usually people would say no, try to say YES. Ask a random question back. Anything that make sense. HOw long have they taught or job opportunity. Anything because you are actually impressing them. You are being different.

I guess thats all I have

assalamualaykum! Happy ramadhan kareem to all muslims!

I am not sure what to say. I think mostly is the sad part of the world.

I think most people are aware that there are some bad incidents happened recently. You might heard about the bombing in Manchester, recent attack in London.

In my own country, Malaysia, there was a boy who died because of bullying. An innocent boy.

I dont really know every single bad things that are actually happening around the globe but what i do know, people die everyday. Besides saying thats the rule of nature, its faith. We are not God who can prevent death but what we can do is take some actions to help the unfortunate.

I mean, why.... Only when someone actually lost their life than only the media the people that never care suddenly become so caring. Why is it just occur to you that people need help.

I am not sure what to say about all those bad things because it is human being killing among us.

We say, beware of poisonous snakes or wild bear or the river or etc but we dont realize that the beast living among us has the same appearance as us, human. This just shows how dangerous people around us could be.

Well, i am not pointing finger to anyone. We all have our own responsibilities to encounter such thing.

I repeat, not pointing finger, and you guys too should stop pointing finger as someone is in to blame.

I am a Muslim. A proud Muslim. I am indeed not a terrorist. Just because the bad people have long beard or they admitted that they are practicing Islam, makes other Muslims to be blame. Most of us are just like you guys, we dont understand why are they killing and admitting it as in the name of God.

We indeed felt ashamed.

You know the shooting cases, they dont blame his religion but they blame him for his mental illness.

Maybe some of you guys think I am giving an unrealistic example but would you just think about it. What if the bad people that bomb or killing the innocents might also be having hard time with their mental. They might be threaten or brain washed.

Ok another example, how about this.

I had a boyfriend. We broke up because he is a jerk. He is the jerk not all men are jerks.

Not everyone is the same.

And one more thing people. STOP TRYING SO HARD.

I mean here, some people love to used this statement, "THE HOLY QURAN SAID"

If you are not a scholar or someone that actually study the holy quran, then just dont try to use the phrases like you know what it actually mean.

I dont care if you want to blab in the social webs about your point of view. Just dont touch the sensitive part of it. I mean, there are reasons why the word RESPECT exist in the first place.

How much do you actually know something?

Just not much. Well, me too. Little do we know..

All the pain other are feelings.
How much they missed their family and friends.
How much they feel so grateful for everything.
How sleepless nights they have because of scare.
How much they want to receive education.
How much they are jealous of us.
How true the story is.

Life is short. Plan right. Spend it right. Live a life that you will not regret. :)

Assalamualaykum and hi

It has been awhile since anything from me. I was so occupy with my studies. Before i'll start my story, i just wanted to tell you guys that i just finished my matriculation. Hopefully if my result is good then i could proceed with my degree. InshaaAllah

OK, tall..

A guy who is tall is enough to catch my attention. I know that i am not the only girl who thinks tall guys is attractive. At least that guy must at least taller than i am. I am just average height, 157cm like that. Yeah i realize how short and cute i am.

Well, i am going to tell you guys about my crushes during my matriculation life. Not much but there are a few guys. I literally just know their name and class. Not much about them. Honesty, even their sir name i dunno. I literally just love to see them. Thats all. It never occur to me that im going to end up with any one of them. I mean, just a thought but never serious.

First sem,

At first i still have (had) a boyfriend until a few weeks after that. He crushed my heart so I was in break up mood. You know with all the crying and moody and etc. As i started to heal, i know that dating again in this period is a mistake so i just prefer to have at least an eye candy. Just someone who i thinks i want to look. A reason to at least still like a guy.

Then i saw this guy in my lecture hall. He looked like a decent guy. I think i looked at him so much and i think he actually realize that i always look at him. Then i followed him in instagram. Thats all i guess. I mean there are drama in it. Here is the juicy story of it.

Well, he actually found out that i like him from some girl. Then i dunno what she told him, but it creeps him about me. I actually wished him luck for our first final exam but he got weird by how on earth i got his number. We got this group chat, lecture hall group. I only wished him best of luck. Is that so weird? I never flirt. I never act weird at him.

Then i discover WHO actually told him. After awhile, i understand how complicated and how reasonable he act like that. Long story short, they are together now.

Second sem

As that happened, i look for new candy. I saw this tall guy with his friend who are very handsome and masculine. I followed them in insta too. I tried talking to them and they seems like a decent friend. A fine pal.

I mean no surprise they got girl friend in no time. I totally get it.

I met this sweet boy. He is kinda cubby but not fat. He looks cute and tbh he is attractive in his own way. He was a crush that i could actually have a conversation. Then of course folks, someone just must destroy what we have. I was so happy that we are actually being friend. We took pictures together, someone just must like, are you guys couple?!

I just chilled because i know the truth. He panic and act stranger.

SO i confront to him my feelings but i told him that i know that this feeling is unhealthy for me. Thus, i am going to move on. And guess what, i actually move on!

It was kinda hard because we were friends you know. I heard about his scandal and had to deal with it. Deal with some of his jerk classmates. Its a lot to take but its nothing in the end.

I just wanna say that, calling names could be funny and you might thought for awhile that the victim take it as a joke too. She or he might understand that everything is just for laugh. Well, let me just say it, IT'S NOT A FUCKING JOKE.

Just dont mess with the wrong people ok.

Kalau best friend, kawan baik namati, kawan sehati sejiwa, akan faham lah yang kau sebenarnya buat lawak. I dont even know you and we are just someone that know each other names and maybe a bit about us. That does not allow you to call me names in front if your friends.

ok dome with that.

The last guy, he is kinda special. I am not sure myself why.

He was in the other class and we barely meet. OK the story is like this.

I admire him for afar. He is very tall. Easy for me to spot. LOL

I asked my friend to actually say to him that i wanted to take a picture with him. Due to some circumstances, we refused. I gave up. We even tried to ran from each other if we had any chances to pass by. I literally used other long way to be away from him.

Then, i thought to myself, after that incident, its either now or never. So, i asked him myself. I said that i want to take picture with him because we are not gonna meet after this. But he is not comfortable then its fine. He just said, insyaallah.

In the evening, to be precise, after my physics paper 1, i waited for the right time. Well, i guess it was my lucky day because he actually appeared!

WE TOOK PICTURES TOGETHER! I WAS SO NERVOUS!

Thats my last crush in kmpk.

DONE WITH KMPK dengan barainya!

:)

If you are one of the citizen in kmpk, well now you know my side of story. No names are mention.

My conclusion,

First, dudes could be pain in the ass frequently.
Then, be bold to confront your feelings.
Lastly, please girls, no high hopes. You dont wanna break you damn fragile hearts ehh.

Assalamualaykum and Evening peeps

Well, in Malaysia is already 1am in the morning. Just saying.

Despite all, i already stated my second sem in matriks and next week i am going to have my mid term. To be honest, I dont expect A's but i do expect for Bs or at least not fail.

During these weekends, i got in touch with some of my old friends. I also found some old stuffs that hides a lot of memories. It reminds me a lot of the past.

What i wanna talk about is, how much people choose to forget or they just dont remember due to memory lost or habits or whatever that just make them forget.

Forgetting cost more than we could imagine. For an example, i forget where was the last time i put my spectacles. Now it cost my eye sight. SERIOUSLY!

Well, that is just part of it.

How about relationship and friendship.

It wil cost, "we used to".

When you get involve with someone, you promises the world to him/her. Until one day, you just forget why you even start a relationship. The feeling is not the same anymore. I mean, as time goes by, people change or you start to see the flaws. Or distance. Excuses.

You forget how precious that person is. You forget how you used to feel about him/her. It cost breaking a heart. Cost tears and etc.

Friendship.

When you are too distracted with your new friends, you just forget your formal friends. Sometime, even if its not you, watching them happy without you make you prefer to let it be like that.

Enough with the sadness.

Forgetting what you study cost A LOT! Like, your future! LOL

The conclusion is,

Try to not forget ok. It could cost more.

In my opinion, forgetting is taking things for granted. Take your priorities right...