JOURNEY

Assalamualykum :)


It has been awhile since i actually have anything that I wanted to pour out sincerely.

It had been 2 weeks with my degree life. Honestly, It went well. Not as harsh as i imagined.

If you actually know me in person, you know how I planned my life since i was a little girl. Everything went well until at the age of 16. Honestly, not much well.

At the age of 5 i had my first crush but my best friend actually got that boy. When i was a little kid, I was so scared of crossing the road. (ill back get here soon).

At the age of 9, i had a crush on someone much older. Just 5 years. I prayed that one day i could sit beside him in my school bus. And i got it (lol)

At the age of 12, i had my first boyfriend who was 3 years older. It was totally my fault because i just wanted to see if someone actually like me. Its not even love.

At the age of 14, i had my second boyfriend ( my own classmate) who ended things a few days before my birthday and an asshole ever since. HE even felt for my best friend and ruined my next 2 years. Im actually glad she ended things with him harshly. He deserve every bits of it. Karma bitch!

At the age of 15, i found my first love.... my own best friend. Nico (i called him). Nico broke my heart eventually. I didnt blamed him because it was my fault for being someone that is not even myself. I would try my best to be the good friend. I never showed him my true self. What i hate,what i love. My weird side etc.

At the age of 16, i thought i found someone but, he is just someone that stay as friend until now. A very very good friend. We share most of our sorrows and questions together. I cant blame him. I cant blame anything about us. Its just faith. Honestly, I cant actually fall for him anymore because I just cant. All my love and care are just as friend. As part of family. Nothing more.

At the age of 17 and above, honestly, like a wracking ball. Everything was so uncertain. Everything was so blur. Everything was and still,brand new to me. Full of surprises. Let me tell you why.

Never ever i expected that a few of my friends still stood beside me.

I had a very interesting journey in matriculation. Let me be specific. I know everyone want the details.

At the age of 17, I actually have the courage to have a boyfriend again. I think, my hardest relationship yet. Someone who love to hold back and burst as i was at my lowest point. Instead of being supportive, he would blamed me and bring back whatever he was unhappy about us. Not most of the time but, the time he did it, i cant help myself from being deeply hurt. Well, it didnt last longer than a year. We broke up around 2 months before the anniversary. It broke me to tiny pieces. It felt like... well you know breaking up is never easy.

Oh, the break up was when i was 18.

18 and early 19 was my matriculation life. I enjoyed it even it was the most stressful 10 months. The first 5 months was epic. The next 5 months was interesting. Honestly, the friendship that i built during those 10 months were priceless. Mostly of the are great friends! I can never replace them even if i have other friends here.

I think, the longest year and one of the hardest year is 2017, at the age of 19. InshaaAllah more to come ;)

The year of complication. Can you imagine, i met Nico after all those years... Just a glimpse but currently we are studying in the same campus.

I never imagine myself driving on my own almost everyday.

I never imagine myself crossing that huge road everyday because i need a good spot of parking and need to go to my class.

And i am actually taking pharmacy courses.

Everything i said, mostly are just the tip of the ice berg.

I know that everyone had their own story. I just share some highlight of my story.

I had failed some tests, quizzes, let down expectations, being blamed, being hate, etc. I think my lowest point was when that one time, i literally had no friends... I was so alone. I was lost.

I had been through some family complications. Even my friends were speechless about it.

If i could change anything? Yes i would but, honestly i dont know what. It would still lead to another mistake. Lead to another complication.

A smile that hide a lot of tears.

It make sense if the person that laugh as i do was actually a lonely person. I held back a lot of things. Things that for some people would be unbearable, some would think its too stupid to cost a lot of pain. Well, i could bare it so its true Allah give people what they can handle. :)

I am not here to complaint about my life. I am bless a lot!

I am here to say is okay to always be the one tapping your own back. Its okay to do easy things the hard way. Its okay to hurt a lot. Its okay to do mistakes as long as you did your best. Dont be too hard on yourself. IF it ended up happening, it will still keep on happening.

The un-expectations makes your life more interesting. Trust meeee :))