As a junior pharmacist, i think life is average. 

Life-Work balance? 

It's more to your own effort. If you really want to rest after a long day of work, just rest. If you feel like you need to see other people (non sick people), get your butt off and drive to the mall. 

The paycheque

Enough to live. It depends on your commitments. My advise;

- insurance, student loan, savings

Work

I work overtime for at least one weekend and one or two night shifts. We couldn't claim money, only time off. Off day requires 9 hours of working. It's easy to gather time off as juniors. 

What i would advise other people?

Find a hobby. It gives the motivation to keep going. I discovered Netflix and Chill. I literally watch netflix and relax. 

 A little life update after officially worked for a year.

We are 5 days away from 2023. How fast time flies.

All i see in my IG feed, full with friends getting married and engaged. Some of them welcome newborns. I can't believe that i'm already at this stage of life. 

I'm happy for them. Truly am.

Everyone is walking/running in their own timeline. I'm not ready for marriage. I don't feel stable with my current life. Honestly, i'm still figuring a lot of things before taking the next step.

When i see my friends actually getting married, I felt surreal. We used to be 16 now we're 24. 

Sometimes I do find myself stuck in the past. It would be nice to wake up one day at 15. Back then, I wake up at about 5.30 ish to bathe and prepare for school. I'll be in surau by Azan Subuh. After Subuh prayer, breakfast, then to school. The whole boarding school routine. 

I would love to see my old friends, talking to them now will sparks happiness to my younger self. Deep down, my younger self is dying for some check ups. I do talk to some of my close friends, mostly texting which is not similar to talking in person. I miss the moments. Sometimes, I miss the routines. I feel more 'sure' about my life. I have proper goals and I could see clearly what I need to do.

It's different as an adult. You need to have goals that improve your life. Carving your own future is scary. It takes a lot of courage to step into uncertainty. You can't just simply make a mistake and call it a day. It will definitely cost you something. I guess it's a nature of an overthinker (ME). 

In the end of the day, being with family means more than anything else. Spending off days with your parents. Picking up the cheques because now you can pay for their food. Driving your mom around. Listens more to their nagging. Text your siblings more often than before. 

Yes, the circle gets smaller. Your colleagues aren't as open as your friends. Not all of them like you as a person. They see you as another mate in the office. You need to adapt to different situations daily.  Realizing how small my circle is, I'm grateful that I still have a circle. I still have a few peeps that answer my text. Someone who still takes some time off their day to entertain my bullsh*ts. 

Above the existential crisis, I'm grateful H still keeps me company. He is willing to deal with this complex girl when he actually has a choice to choose a simpler person. I am someone tough to deal with, i admit. There are times when I have unrealistic expectations. (they say dream big, huh)

I'm putting it out there that, im grateful for everything despite feeling super emotional about my day-to-day life. 

 I wanted to write a post after 2 months into the job but I didn't finish it. Here I am, almost 9 months into the job. Just a shy away from actually completing the whole year. 

I had work in outpatient, inpatient, office (DIS), and today mark my last day in logistic. 

Also, yesterday I just fully completed my outpatient log book and tests. One of the hardest tests I had taken in a long time. Actually, it was a repeated test, which means, I took the first one but failed (pass cukup-cukup makan which was not satisfying for my boss so she asked me to take another one). Now, I passed but not sure how much I passed. I could answer most of it but did not get a full mark in those sections, had some careless answer, thus, I'm not even sure how much I passed. Let's just be grateful that I passed eventho it's not in flying colours. I had proven to work as hard as anyone else but theoretically I'm not as good as others. 

The first few months were the hardest because I was lonely and I needed to adapt to a new environment with new people. I'm not sure of what to expect working, every day felt like dying. I cried at least once a week to release all the stress and burnout that I had been pilling over each week. As it went on, it felt better. I had a few people that I could talk too and ..

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Quick update, the above paragraphs were me 3 months ago. Here's the update version.

Clinical months were full with ups and down. Sometimes I think, everything I did was just never enough. I was careless. Even the smallest detail, if we missed it, would actually endanger the patient. I guess that was the beauty if medical practice. You are not allowed to make mistakes down to the smallest ones. 

Here, you wouldn't find any tips tho, just my side of story.

The first month, it felt so quick. I was too busy to care. Presentations were the worst as there was no proper presentation for you to refer. I depended on my senior's yet my dumbass just didn't think of adding more information. It felt incomplete. 

Whenever I though I had done enough preparation, I missed a lot of other things. To put it simply, I seem so dumb, that they almost had enough of me. 

The second month, I missed those small details which cost me my sanity. I had meltdown, twice to be exact. I'm not proud of it. I was so anxious, I just wanna die. I wish I stop feel those things but it's not easy. You can't just switch a button to mute your anxiety. 

I didn't prepare well for my presentations, well, it didn't go well because I missed a lot of information and details. I probably get 2 or 3 out of 10 for my presentations as out of 4 of my presentations, mostly just weren't done well. I hope the other work that I did may help with my final score. 

The amount of work that needed to be done, was a lot so I would come back late everyday. Even if I got off days, I never felt at ease. Thinking about what I had missed during those time. 

Overall, if I ever get to assign as a clinical pharmacist, I probably need a long time of tagging to get it done right. 

I'll write a happier story once I'm done with my first year of practice. 

:')

 Ive been wanting to post about my prp update, but let's just skip the depressing things and talk about more personal things. Things that make me feel alive, a person with feelings.

Idk about other people, or their experience but in the early stage of working, having fun is actually luxurious. 

Love. the fantasy of love. When I was a kid, I was very fascinated by the idea of 'high school sweetheart'. It would be such a fairy tale. The closest and most logical fairy tale in reality. Put aside, a caucasian male with green eyes in the picture, I just want someone I met when I was in school. I saw some of the people I went to school with and actually fell in love AFTER school days. Despite knowing who she/he dated before, you guys still want to be together. 

Maybe my classmates/batchmates (male) just didn't find me date-able. 

You see, I want to express certain things but it's hard to put it into words. 

Well, let me just tell MY side of the story.

Back in primary school, I was in all girls school and most of my friends weren't the type that talk about boys. Some of them even hated boys. Yet, I find myself in different social groups outside school such as tuition, school bus and my brother's friends which exposed me to the idea of boys. My favorite fairy tale was Cinderella, I was fixated with the idea of a prince charming. I thought, someday, someone will appear and sweep me away, happily ever after. Then, I realize that in reality, only pretty girls get the attention. 

Then, in high school, things change. The first year, I had a few guys that showed interest yet non of them actually make the bold move. Time goes by, puberty hit me like a truck, and my oily face just makes my face less appealing. It was not the main concern as I didn't make it an issue. Then, my confidence and attitude kinda make me less 'feminine' or I guess, less attractive. You see, at that age, people don't see independence and confidence as something attractive, especially for immature boys my age. They see it as intimidation. Eventually, the boys around me just make fun of me and came out with labels etc. 

So, I find myself in different communities as I joined activities outside school. Got my heart broken TWICE. Got rejected multiple times. I guess, God just wants me to learn the hard way about fairy tale. Its just not YOUR story.

I had a lof of crush, it was the closest thing that I could get so why only have one. LOL

This guy, he was one of my favorite crush. We were friends but not close. We texted back in school. My high school best friend would know him by this description, lol, he used to be short, he changed school, he was one of the genius and was a kind person compare to other boys at school. I don't remember how I reconnected with him after he left but we did somehow text back and forth. He was that one person that I could easily like after some conversations. He makes me feel appreciated for someone who barely knows me but decides to take some of his time, replying my ridiculous convos. I called him as my ultimate crush.

Now, I'm with H and he is with someone who's definitely veryyyyyyy pretty and makes him happy. Each time I saw them together, I felt jealous. Let me explain before yall come out at me.

I wish I had the chance when we were friends. He did reject me politely so yeah. I guess, he kinda fits my 'fairy tale of high school sweetheart'. The 'idea' of being with him makes you wonder sometimes but those are the things that are better left undiscovered. 

We both have a different life. 

So, what's the point of the whole story?

1- Everyone has their own hopes and dreams but no matter how hard you work towards it, doesn't mean you can get all of it. You may not get what you want but you get what you need.

2- Letting go is also a way of love. I do wish him the best and hope he would end up with someone who makes him feel the way I felt for him years ago. 

3- I am busy living in the present, I'm hitting the pause button and reliving some pieces from my past.  

That's all peeps. I know he would read this piece, if he did, I want to tell him;

She's pretty and you guys look nice together. Thank you for being a kind friend. 

 Author note: I wanted to write about 5 more episodes on my 'fan fic' before finishing it, yet I don't have the luxury of time to do so. I'm not reading books to improve my language so I'm just gonna drop the main plots that I wanted to write in the first place. I usually built stories around the main plot. 

The Paris trip: this should be the episode of how Beth lose her virginity to Sebastian. A romantic dinner, trip . It's just the perfect city and how I imagine I would have my first time. I mean the fantasy of my first time. 

The intermission: The conflicts with Oliver where he's sending flirty signs to Beth which makes Beth feel confused. Sebastian is good and all, but she felt for Oliver before Sebastian came to her. She choose.. Sebastian. He's her first. He made her comfortable and understanding. Being with Sebastian made her feel..RIGHT. 

The break up: (yes I know, this sound suck but every relationship need to end. If not death then change of heart. The most painful break up excuse ever. Fallen out of love) The long distance college is not working well. Although we could afford the flying but it is still tiring. Being busy is another demon. 

In the end, both of them just agreed that it's the best thing to do. Why suffer this any longer. Be free, meet new people. If we are meant to be, it will be. We will meet again. We fall in love again. We will be together again. 

The invitation/ the wedding/ also the end:

- the invitation: how beth reacted as she got an invitation of Sebastian's wedding. What's ridiculous, the bride was actually in their class in school, not someone new, not someone unknown. They still got in touch once awhile but never once Sebastian mention a girl, let alone a fiance. This is just sooo sudden. Beth is not with anyone, she did date a few guys and had some one night stand yet nothing significant. In her mind, Sebastian will always be there. They will be together because no one ever made her felt like how she felt when she was with him. She tried with a guy but he just wanted to win a bet. 

Then the plot around it will be about all the losers she dated and how back story of how/why Sebastian chooses his bride. (honestly, I dont have any proper ideas on the girl he chooses but I do know from the start he's not marrying Beth)

the wedding: Beth becomes the bigger person, she flew there, put on a nice dress, and even fakes a smile as soon as she saw Sebastian, the adult Sebastian, the groom Sebastian. Her Sebastian..oh no, not anymore. 

Yet, she lost it as soon as she watched Sebastian and whatever-name bride have their first dance. She took a whole bottle of champagne and ran out into an empty room. She cries her heart out until someone actually found her. Oliver. Her first crush. Her first love. The reason why she met Sebastian in the first place. 

(The honest conversation that had been dreadful to write in my blog between Oliver and Beth. )

Oliver: Are you okay? Pass me that drink.

Beth: Obviously I'm not..it was supposed to be me up there. I don't get it.. I never knew she existed up until I got the invitation. 

O: He must have his own reasoning for not telling you the whole story. I was shocked when he said he was engaged. 

B: *drink and almost felt but Oliver caught her. He hold her at her wrist, they stare into each other's eyes. She could see his pupil dilating.* ohh..I'm wasted.. I'm sorry... I should go..

O: Wait. I need to tell you something. *silent* I actually liked you, in school. I was sooo jealous each time I saw you and Sebastian. I wanted that. *tiny smile* I was such a silly to try breaking you up with Sebastian. 

B: *blush* Well..as we are having an honest conversation, I also have something to tell you. This is funny so, promise me not to laugh. 

O: *that charming and sneaky smile* I wouldn't laugh.

B: The secret notes that someone sneaked into your locker, it was me. I had a major crush on you before Sebastian talked to me. I was kinda head over heels for you. pffft, I was so innocent back then.

O: It could be us, up there. *he holds her hand and pulls her closer. He leans on for a kiss, and she lets him*

They had a magical night together. Beth sneaked out in the morning without any proper goodbye. She just vanish. The only thing she left for Oliver is a note saying; 

Thank you for that magical night of my life. May all your dreams come true. I hope you meet a good girl someday. Last night sparks something between us but I don't think I can be in the same room with Sebastian. Yours truly, Beth.

That same night is the day she conceived the baby girl.

The meet-up: Tara is want to meet his father. The whole plot of the reaching out to Oliver, tracing his family which includes facing Sebastian again. 

The ending:

- Sebastian tells how he choose his bride.

- Meeting Oliver, letting Tara meet him.

Co parenting.

The end.

I hope yall like the whole storyline. 

 Finally im half way there.

Hey, anyone miss me? I've missed this. Writing my soul out. Where no one really pays that much attention to what I say or how I act. My own space.

I'm getting the hang of it. Working full time and sometimes on the weekend. 

I'm just here, ranting. LOL 

I have this storyline in my head but I just can't put it well in words so yeah, there you go!

LOVER BOY

I felt, love. I know it's a boy. Yet, I'm not sure which boy.

I hope you don't mind,

I don't wanna rhyme.

These feelings I miss,

Feeling nervous each time I need to talk to you,

Feeling happy each time you text me,

Feeling shy as you get closer,

Feeling excited as you ask me out,

Wreaking my head on what should I wear,

'is this too much? is this too little? 

wait, is it even a date?'

As you are working, i stare without blinking,

It's not even sexual, not physical but, 100% personality.

Swallowing the facts that I wanna burst but I can't,

'keep it cool'

'stop staring!'

Deep down, just wanna grab your arm and rest my head on it.

let's just stay this way in silence

Between us, it's not impossible but too much trouble.

I want it to be simple so, I'll just stay here,

This zone. Friend zone.

The tiny space between, the fine line, the path better uncross. 

For- LOVER BOY

Honestly, this is nothing special. I just have this hopeless romance map in my brain, needed a space to release it.

I guess, I've been rejected multiple times before, hopeless romance is such a go-to place in my mind. I mean, you can be in a happy and no problem relationship yet felt so hopeless with an imaginary person.

 Dear self,

I'm here to listen.

Time can be tough but it'll be better. 

Here I am, listening to 2000s punk songs, relive the moments when life was easier. I remember how much I want to grow up and become an adult *insert too young too dumb to realize*. Right now  I'm 24 and earning my own money yet feel lonely and miserable. Wishing for happiness.

It is very important to pursue something you are passionate about. At least it gives you the motivation. 

I really want to write a book. Maybe a story book or something about my life. I remember how much time I spent writing and reading. Language made me happier and clearer. Then I discover science. I wish to become a scientist not knowing how long it actually take to become one. My ambition changes as I learn more. Even had a dream to become a teacher. So, kinda funny how I'm not any of those things.