It's been too long since the last post. I'll be ranting today. Something that I don't want people to read but it's necessary. 

I feel like I'm not a good friend. Or, my friends changed too much since we last met. I guess, i change too. Everyone changes to readjust and readapt to our environment and perceptions. Of course, what people say, matters. 

Maybe it's me because it is easier to blame yourself for things that you don't fully understand. It's easier to say, yeah, you are the problem. 

I feel disappointed that my friends turned down my invitation to hang. Most of it due to family matters. I get it but I can't just move on as usual. In the back of my head, i feel like, they don't uphold our friendship. I feel like, they should have squeezed some time to hang out. I sound like the bad guy, well if i'm being honest, I could be brutal. Yet, I choose peace. I said, i understand, hope we can meet someday. That is still sincere. I just left out the part where i'm being honest.

You can't blame me for being human. Of course, i'm hurt. Each time i look forward to meeting my friends, the ones who actually care about me, they don't feel the same. I'm not saying that you should ditch your family for me (eventho that would be nice), I'm saying that it would be nice to be part of your plan. If you actually thought of me and wanted it to happen. 

There's always one excuse after another. I get it. I'm not important enough. If i am, i would be in that damn itinerary. 

I shouldn't be expressing my trauma to my friends, I guess when you grow up lonely at home, you appreciate friends more. Now, a little too much. You feel a lot. You swallow most of it as it is easier to say nothing rather than confronting them. You don't want to lose them as friends. You will hate yourself if they leave you just like the others. They will see you as possessive. 

I just want to be included sometimes. 

It would be nice. 

You can have your life as you want it. I'll support whatever you're doing even if I don't understand them. I see your life from time to time. I prayed for you. I wish you the best. 

Maybe, i should be the one taking a step back to see the whole picture. 

Maybe i'm missing out on life more than I thought. I've been so cooped up in this small circle that i failed to see the bigger picture. 

I love myself. I love who I am and how much i care about others. If it is a red flag or toxic trait for anyone else, i guess it's good that they left. 

If you are my good friend then you deserve the truth, my honest opinions even if it's brutal. If we can't seem to be on good term, i guess we do grow apart. I appreciate you as a person and as a friend but i guess we are just that close anymore. 

It feels worse than breaking up but I do feel that towards some people who are close to me. It feels like shit but, we just have our differences. We don't talk anymore and no one actually makes the effort to keep in touch.

You can't be gone for years, suddenly you appear and act like nothing happens. It's not fair to me. 

As an adult, friendship is a commitment. Not as much as relationship but in order to have some friends, you need to keep in touch. The least shitty touch, once a year, happy birthday. 

Honestly, the moment you stop caring, i doubt there's any ship left. 

The moment you say, we USED TO BE, that's it. 

I really need to realize those things too. 

I shouldn't be hoping and begging people to stay. 

I should start to move on slowly. I should be the one who takes the first step of walking away as I'm using those 3 words. We USED TO BE close. 

There's nothing wrong with shifting your priorities. Other people did, you should do the same (dear self). 

You may not be good enough for others but at least you are enough for yourself. 

 hi folks, its been too long since i write any fanfic. ive been busy with reality to the point i forget how to escape it. Sooo, i was deeply inspired by oliver moy's new photo. (PLEASE GO SEE IT YOURSELF) please note that the photo is SS from his IG. 

if you're here and read it till the end, THANK YOU! this is an escape for me, i hope its the same for you too. i have a limited vocabulary and i describe things very simply. if you do find it great, thank you <3

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He has the look that melts anyone's heart that set eyes on it. He always looks so innocent and cute. I never imagine being among the first ones to see his devilish side. It was not even intended but I saw it! It doesn't make me want to run away from him, its the opposite, I'm more attracted to him than EVER!

Let's rewind for a bit. 

In order for me to have an excellent final year project, I need the perfect model. The person must be someone who has more than just a good look, I want to photograph the different side of the person. It is very different to be yourself when everybody decides who you must be. I want to portray something unlike any other people have seen before. They say, go big or go home.

Oliver. He's the barista at my favourite cafe which became very popular since he worked there. I can't blame the girls AND boys for wanting his attention to a point they know his working schedule! He also goes to this college, i heard his majoring in IT. He knows his usuals, i mean, he has a lot of customers yet he remembers what everyone would order. How i know it? Yupe, I'm part of his fan club. I hang out A LOT at that cafe. I had tasted the whole menu and remembered it by heart. I sound pathetic however, I never talked to him about any personal things. I never asked for his phone number, email or selfies. I would come every morning at 9am after my morning jog, order my usual latte, smile at him as he knows my name, paid the coffee, sat for 15 minutes before a crowd of girls arrived. 

Today, I have decided to Oliver. I hope he accepts my request to be my model. Honestly, I don't expect him to agree as he refused other people's proposals. Every single person in my class wants him to model for their project. They have solid plans while my plan will be based solely on my model. I have listed a few candidates but I pray to God, he would say yes to me. 

-Morning coffee-

The usual 9am coffee, he's smiling at me;

Oli: Morning Tanya, the usual?

Ta: Yes, please! Thanks,,

Oli; it would be 3.50.

Ta: (puts the cash on the counter) (nervous*)..

Oli: you okay? 

Ta: heyyy oliver,,, i know you're busy but do you want to hang out sometime? I mean professionally, I MEAN, err,, i need a model for my project sooo, i kinda hope you... let me rephase it, im soo soorry...it would be my honour! wait wait, that sounded cringe,, im sooo sorry, you can just forget it. (avoiding eye contact) i'll be there for my latte. thanks! omg im so loud, im sorry. i'll just go,, (walking away fast)

welp, that went well. at least, i didn't pee in my pants (almost). (let our a huge sigh of disappointment)

its been awhile since i talked to guy (asking out), let alone date a guy.. I admit how I didn't put any effort on dazzling myself to fancy a guy. why do i think the hottest guy in the campus would agree to a dork like me. I am just barely average for a college girl. People assumed i'm 30 sometimes. urghhh

' LATTE FOR TANYA'

omg, why is still Oli standing there? i should probably apologize again..

Oli: here you go! enjoy!

Tan: thanks,, sorry for earlier,, can you just (he walks away)...

oh great, now he's gonna start to avoid me.. dammit!

*the coffee cup* (YES! text me *phone number*)

wait...WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! IS THIS FOR REAL! this must be a prank! wait..... (i turn my head to my shoulder, i saw Oliver wink and grin) I rush out of the cafe, my face is about to burst into flames! 

-----

I waited until night to text him. 

Ta: Hey Oliver, this is Tanya. I hope i'm not disturbing you. Can you tell me when are you available? 

= 5 minutes later =

Oli: hey! i'm up for this weekend if that's ok. please, call me Oli

Ta: This weekend it is! I'll text you the time and location by tomorrow. I want you to be very comfortable so wear anything casual. We will work from there.

Oli: great! c u soon ✌

I can't belive that i'm actually texting OLIVER! 

----- the weekend ---

i managed to book a mini studio for 3 hours. for 3 hours, it will only be Oliver and ME! 

Oli: morning tanya! here's your latte.

Ta: oh wow, thanks! well, let's settle down here. (pulls a chair for oliver)

The theme for today, The Other Side of Me. 

I want you to show a different side of yourself. Let's say, you hate smiling but you still do it every day so you can frown as much as you want if that's what you prefer. You can try any poses that represent your emotions, just...enjoy the proses! Please tell me if you feel unease with literally ANYTHING!

Oliver chuckles,, 

What do your go-to playlist?

Oli: arctic monkeys,, it gives out,,my kinda vibe~

Ta: Okay! let's jazz on it while we get this done.

In his first pose, he sits on the floor, no smile, his gorgeous head slightly tilted, looking straight into the camera (and my soul), he pulls his shirt just a peak of his pack...

it's never too late to change course if you're still thinking about what to apply. If you ARE studying pharmacy, welp, too late for you.

If you're training to be one, all i can say, IT WILL END SOON. trust me, one year will pass by quickly because you will be super busy, packed and have little to no life. Maybe some, if you sacrifice the non-working weekends. 

as a junior fully registered pharmacist, if you get supportive and kind colleagues, work will be A LOT less stressful. Mondays would be blues if patients come non-stop. Life would be great if you make fewer mistakes.

as soon as you could make time for yourself, learn slowly on how to be an adult. I am among the people who believe that there should be a 3months course on How To Be an Adult. The should cover topics on financial planning, taxes, cars related topics, insurance topic, paying loan, cooking classes, how to style yourself better, skincare, hair related etc. Then, when you're certified, you should have a trial phase. Yet, we are expected too much as soon as we start working. ok back to the pharmacy thing.

This career is a career with a continuous learning process. You can never be master at it all at once. For an example, in my previous facility, it was not compulsory thing to know how to teach patient on how to use n!cotine gum and patch, in my current facility, i must know. Besides that, learning to adapt. Urgh, as much as i hate adapting, it's a survival thing. You MUST learn to adapt. You can't give excuses on being unable to do certain things especially when most of them could do it. So, learn to be a multitasker. It is important if you get into smaller facility. One person holds a lot of roles. The higher you climb the latter of seniority, the more you need to do. 

Try to be positive. If you're having a bad day, make sure you rise up for the next day. Not all patients are kind. I know it. I faced them 8 to 5 for 5 working days. Know that, most of them are grateful for us. 

Being mistaken as doctors, this one. I'm not sure how to brush it off. When i was a student, i would ignore them calling me as doctors. I would confess im a student if they asked me doctor-related things. Now as a working pharmacist, most of my patient knows which is which because the doctors must order their prescriptions in the system. If any mistakes happened, i just told them we needed to confirm with the doctors and it will take some time. yes, doctors make mistakes. Pharmacists are the last line.

if you want to be the best version of a pharmacist, always keep updated with the latest guidelines, join conferences to update your knowledge, and always read all kinds of stuff. Knowledge is definitely a key besides having a good working ethic (very professional).

if you're doing the bare minimum, don't beat yourself up. you are surviving. you don't need validation on everything. just do your job as best as you could and don't cause any problems. 

ive been scolded during my days,

i cried during those worst days

i laughed on happy days

i starved on busy days (lost 4kg during first 6m prp but gained back after prp)

i enjoy working so far

oh, have a solid plan at least on your final year as a student. it's very important to have a solid foundation on where and what you want to be. what kind of pharmacist? in this country, if you don't explore your opportunities, it will seem limited. i got a friend working in a huge company but they only hire 1 trainee pharmacist. so yeah, plan your pathway. 

life is never easy, yet, as long as you're trying, you're doing it right!

I do miss my school days. It's always a love-and-hate relationship about school. I hate the people who made it a nightmare. They made a huge impact on my life that I can never get it back. 

Here, im just gonna focus on the good old days.

The best year would be 2013. I confessed to my first love and got rejected. I cried over friendship fight and my shitty math skill. Above the hardships, I enjoyed most part of it. I scored top 3 for an exam before PMR. Got straight A's for my PMR. I mean, that's the last straight A's for my life. I went to Perak SPB camp and met good people. I am even still friends with some of them.

Well, here i'm sharing about that guy I met at that camp. Let's call him M. He was not in my group. He was in my friend's group. He was MCKK boy. Bear in mind that I never really talk to him in real life up until now. He was straight up from my diary. LOL

When the camp ended, I asked for his phone number from one of my friends. I texted him from time to time, the funny thing was, he responded to some of them. If i remember correctly, i called him a few times and we did talk on the phone for a bit. Things were definitely one-sided but who cares, i'm just enjoying feeling on cloud nine. 

One day, there was a final debate event in KL. My school was invited as spectators, i went to that event. I asked M, are you coming? (his school was the finalist and MCKK is known to send huge crowd to support) M said, im not going. 

You can guess it, HE ACTUALLY CAME! A AHAHAHAHHAHAHA im getting to it. The way God (yes, i said it, GOD) let me meet him, made me believe in destiny and faith. Straight out of the movie. 

Back to the story, at the RNR

I saw his school buses parked not far from our bus. I was a bit nervous as i saw familiar faces (his friends) walking around the RNR but i did not see him. I thought to myself, he said he was not coming, why am I hoping to see him.

We reached the place. There was a few other schools that came at the same time. There was a crowd of students heading to the same place. We went up by the escalators. I realized that in front of me were boys.  I realize a familiar figure. IT WAS M! I saw his face, i was right BEHIND HIM! HE DID COME! lol

We were kinda close due to the crowd, i could smell him (not intentionally! im not a freak, yet). I was not the most confident person as I know im not that pretty. I let him go. I didn't say hey or anything.

That's it. We did continue our interaction via DM on insta but he blocked me after awhile. My college buddy sent him a love emojis and he saw it! i had to explain that bullshit but of course it sounded pathetic. I'm okay it ended like that. We did have some 'almost' moments like, i was supposed to go to his university for a running event but had to cancel it last minute. He was there. Then, he did come to a starbucks nearby my house but i was not around. 

This story embeds in my brain because of how God let me meet him at that debate event. lol

Have you ever wondered like, why i didn't end up with him (ex)?

I have a lot of crushes during the old days. I admit, I am easily attracted to average guys and guys who were out of my league. Sometimes I just like to look at them. The thought of them is enough. I guess that's why I don't have any regrets when it comes to men. 

The thing is, even though we all already get on with our life, we still follow each other on insta. I could see how they are doing now. It just kinda clicks! I kinda get it why we couldn't be together.

We're in a different phase of life. 

Some of them just got a stable job, some of them live far away, some of them is still enjoying the single life and the list goes on. I don't think I am willing to wait longer to settle down while i'm in this stage of life. I want to put down my roots. It's either marriage or cool aunty. 

Then, in my other POV, i stopped chasing them. 

There were only 3 men who I put a lot of effort. I was sooo used to rejections, i didn't bother to improve myself to suit their criteria. Besides, I didn't prove to them that i'm worth it. I know i sounded desperate. I did mention 'chasing'. 

The good thing about those rejections, YOLO

If a guy rejected me, i moved on so easily to the next guy. The vicious cycle continues until I met H. You see, it easier to move on when you know he didn't feel the same way instead of you waiting for him to 'make the first step'. If you're a person who guys lining up to date, you totally cannot relate with me. 

I know that guys don't look at me twice. I accepted that fact. I find love the other way around. I approach men first. 

Thats all for now! 

 To be frank, I don't feel myself changing. Looking back, i realize certain things about myself that grew.

No one is the same person after ten years ago. You can even be a different person within a month. I guess, i realize 'how much' i changed.

I still love reading and writing but those things are not routine anymore. I love to look at the sky more often than before. I watch wayyy too much netflix. I kinda forgets how it felt to fangirl and fantasize about my favorite characters. 

Those are the silly things. 

They say, your brain fully developed at the age 25. You make better decisions and have better senses at that age. Some part of it is true. At this age, I want to be financially stable and built a new chapter. I feel like I am ready for the next thing.

I try to squeeze my weekend with meaningful things. Trying to create a work-life balance.

I feel a bit excited to be given those new responsibilities and how i was expected to be giving ideas at my work place. I start to answer questions from patients and colleagues. I am calmer in dealing with shitty situations.  I am not nervous about calling patients or calling doctors. A year ago, i really hate dealing with confrontations. Don't get me wrong, i still do. 

That day, I run over a red light and this motorcycle didn't wait for the light to turn green, he just went first. Both of us were speeding and both of us were wrong. I let go of the gas pedal as i saw him. It was dangerous but we didn't hit each other. Just FYI, my car is not tinted at all. He ride next to my car, he looked at me. I saw him looking at the corner of my eye but i ignored him. Why would i throw fuel to his rage? We are both at fault. I didn't want to be late. I just ignored the shit out of him. See, that ends there. 

When you had been through the worst of certain situations, you can handle similar problems better. 

I feel proud of myself. 

That's self love. 

Everyone should be proud of themselves. You deserve a tap on the shoulder. 

If you're one of my actual friend, you'll know that I just got engaged last week! So, here's what no one asked for! How i planned it.

Firstly, make sure your parents know that you want to get engaged. Make sure they know who's your partner.

How much i spent? Maybe a bit over 3k but we split most bills. I personally spent more than 2k because I want things. Engagement can be cheaper if you decided to NOT have a few things.

Oh, if you randomly saw this post, the money is in Ringgit Malaysia. 

I'll list down the prices if i remembers it. Here we go!

Part 1: get the general idea

- buy the ring!

-pick a date, venue and amount of guest you want to invite. 

-decide if you want to do 'hantaran' (gift exchange between partners). This one is a tradition so, my mom said we should do 5/7. 5 for the girl, 7 for boy. Decide among partners on what to give.

-decide on the theme.

I planned everything within 3 months. Well, you can divide and conquer! I mean, i want to do most things because im hosting it. 

Part 2: plan according to the months

3 months ahead:

Booked THE IMPORTANT THINGS such as

- catering ( so i decided to have about 100 people so i booked rm10/head)

- make up artist ( its better to survey first. honestly, i asked 3 mua in my area and the price are the same so its rm450 includes all expenses) you can do your own make up if you want to save

- venue : IF you decided to not do it at your own house

- tent that includes chair and tables

- pelamin. have your own budget and according to your own theme. Mine, rm390. 

- henna, i wanted white henna. rm120

-cameraman (optional)

2 months ahead

- find an outfit. It took me almost half day to find the right outfit. Ill have a special section for my WHOLE outfit because i look snatched! 

- decide on the hantaran. decorating the hantaran. I don't really survey on that. I decorate my own. Just simple. I guess it's better to plan what you want to decorate before buying the things or you will overbuy  the things. I kind of overbuy things. This one, the budget depends on whatever you decide to do tho. I spent about 100+. 

- make sure he also buys his outfit. 

- you can start inviting your friends and family. Book homestay if you need to for the families. (if necessary) 

1 month

- take off day at least a day before the event but i took 2 days before

- i booked the brownies, pavlova, cupcake

- finish up all the hantaran things and decorations

- finalize on everything. set up the date to set up the hantaran, if you're doing at home, make sure to clean the house. things like that.

- buy the kenduri things like tissues, etc. 

MY whole look

- the dress: 289. Bought at shah alam.

- the dress looks a bit dull so i sent to add some manik. it cost 200 include all the sending fees, upah and the manik itself. 

- tudung 40

- veil. a cheap one about 20

- shoes 50+

I guess from there, the rest is how you want things your way, This is just a general idea. You can save up according to what you need, what you (personally) want to have. For now, thats all i remember.

If you want to add more,

- you can add the mirror standee, welcome to the engagement of ~

The challenges. (be calm IF you faced any of this)

- at first i thought i want to do my own make up but after awhile i decided otherwise. the first mua i wanted to hire got booked the same day i wanted to booked her on the same date. what a dayyy

- make sure to finalise the catering. 

- the standee we bought, broke as soon as it arrived in ipoh. shoppe gave an immediate refund (lol)

Well, that's all i have this time. Hopes it helps. Remember, its expensive if you want more things.

In begins in October and ended in October. The whole year, it took a lot to adapt. 

During the first few rotations, I fall apart almost every time the rotation ended. When I was just about to make a friend or really adapt to that place, TIMES UP! Next station, so the same vicious cycle repeats until I get to rotate BACK to the previous department that I was in. I felt relieved that at one point, I get to know everyone. The thing is, when you enter that department the second time, you need to speed up and you must be capable of doing most of the things there. You can't see yourself as 'new' even though you are still the newbie there. 

When that 1 year was finished, I applied to new places. Yet, the chances to get into a new place were small. so, I waited. 

I GOT IT. (still don't know where I'll be going while writing this)

Post PRP (floating)

You still need to do PRP duties especially if you're the only PRP there. I guess I do feel a bit calm because there are no requirements that I need to follow. Aside from the duties. At my facility, we will be placed in a department during floating. Usually, that's the place you will end up working at. 

During that day, readjust that place as your second home. Be aware of your surrounding and always be nice to everyone. You'll never know how long you will work there and the pharmacy department (as a whole) is a small unit. Even if you got out, someday you will need to deal with people who had known in the past. 

Responsibilities; still refer to your boss but be bolder in making your own decisions. Don't be a know-it-all person, refer to reliable references and be humble. Refer to product leaflets if you can't find them online. Always stick to the protocols. Nowadays, ME and RCS are the things you need to be careful of. 

Finish PRP does not mean finishing learning. 

In my facility, my PRP requirements are not similar to other places.  I don't have TDM, TPN and CDR. I also don't involve methadone dispensing and MTAC. We have assigned officers. As a contract officer, we are not obligated to certain duties if we are not assigned. It's not like we have a choice to join or refuse. If we are assigned a duty, it will appear in our KPI (job scope) and a letter will be given stated the duty. Besides that, the job scope for permanent and contract officers is different. This one, it depends on the facility. 

I know i said 'and' a lot. My English did not improve during my 1 year working. 

As a pharmacist, you need to be versatile. After some years working the same thing, they will do rotations. You need to know how to do 'most' things. Don't panic, each time before something new, you must do 'tagging'. You can make mistakes, sure, go ahead. But, don't make the same shit twice. 

I don't have most experience post PRP because after floating -> the Khidmat Wajib . One year of compulsory service. I see it as a thanking service to the government as they helped us get out license. In reality, its that YEAR where you decide your next step. 

Will i get the permanent position? (are you willing to wait, THEN decide or roll the dice and find other things?)

Will you renew your contract after that 1 one?

Or, will you resign?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Or, will you apply to another facility?

Do you want to find the opportunity to further study? 

Well, I have a senior who applied to a position at HUKM. She applied during that YEAR. She got through 2 interviews (if not mistaken), by the end of the year, she did not get the permanent position BUT she got the HUKM position. 

Let me tell you something, I see my seniors (also my colleagues) who applied for the permanent position. 10/10 did not get the position and only 1 in waiting list. 

When the government opens the positions, maybe 300+ positions but the applicants could be up to 3000+. Besides, they already add criteria such as only officers who finished their Khidmat Wajib in 2018-2020. Newbies are not allowed to apply. If you work as contract pharmacists for 5 years, your title would be UF44, pay check of UF44 but usually the positions open as UF41. I'm not sure about the paycheck, if it decrease as UF41 or stays, i'm not sure but what I am sure, your service resets. Means, as goverment officer, in order to get pencen 60%, you need to work for at least 30 years. Even you work as contract for 5 years, your service begins when you are a permanent officer. 

You see, you need to decide. How long are you willing to wait. 

Setting goals post PRP are damn important. 

Be around people and get their bits of advice. Always be out there. Seek other opportunities if you want other pathway. Be open minded with new things. I went to an industrial program, they said, in that field, they are accepting pharmacists for positions that used to be filled by doctors. Industrial are the most versatile industry that I saw since I joined their programs. Bare in mind, most of industrial pharmacists make their own positions. They make a place for them. We (pharmacists) are very important to society and we need to make them realize it. 

Before I end my (whatever this is), my respectable boss said to me; 

It is important to keep on learning.

I need to learn more about management.

I need to have no expectations and be open minded as I'm about to work at a new place. 

That's all my 2cent. Feel free to hit me up if you need better explainations or any questions.