I had spoken some of my early experience of starting this journey. If you scroll down, you could see i had posted the experience during early stage. 

'You got accepted, congratulation! Your family must be proud of you :) After all, you deserve it!'

That was the first thing Mrs Jackson told me as soon as i stepped into the office. Everyone applauded and they even throw me an office lunch party. She said if i see a cake later, act surprise. Of course I'm over the moon! I called my dad even i know they are at midnight, i told him everything and he said, "I knew it! We are always proud of you honey :) Now let me get back to bed".

Yet

I still feel something very heavy on my chest. I guess the burden of choosing a guy out of two best men. I may sound selfish but some part of me wish, 'if only i could be with both of them'. I know it's wrong and they don't deserve such thing.

Lunch Party

After all cutting the cake and being congratulate by almost all of my office mates, I decided to isolate myself at an empty table. I just want to be alone and away from all the loudness. Honestly, I barely spoke to my office mate about things other than work. I don't involve with them personally. Some of them was nice and even invited me to their house for party at home. Believe it or not, i am very timid despite the confidence interview. I just don't 'blend in' well. The fact I dated Max was even a scandal in the office. They didn't said anything but I heard whispers. I heard some 'stories' while im in of the toilet cubicle. Ever since then, I just knew that most of them don't even like me because im too young to be where i am. I don't blame them but i paved my way to be here. I didn't sleep with someone to get this privilege.

Max and Alex approached my table. I didn't see them coming.

Two shadows came from behind and someone tapped my shoulder,

Max: Hey, congrates!

Alex: Congratulations Serene :)

S: Hey guys, thanks. *Try to smile back

A: You okay?

S: I am! They throw me a surprise party! Even i knew most of them dont even like me.

M: They even invited us to come. It must be a big deal.

S: Idk, you think? Are they genuinely happy because i managed to achieve something big or because i'll be leaving the office in a month? I'm not even sure about it myself.

Suddenly Mrs Jackson come,

MJ: Serene, Mr William here, one of our executive would like to personally congratulate you. Come with me.

She pulled me away from my chair, i could see Max and Alex seems confused. I bet they must be thinking, why am i being bitter about this ridiculous celebration. I just faked a smile throughout the day.

Mr William: Congratulation our young engineer! I heard a lot of extraordinary thing about you in the past couple of years. You were working very hard to get this chance.

S: Thank you Sir :) I just did what i had to do to be here.

MW: I'll be expecting more from you in the coming years! Keep up the hard work!

The rest of the day went by like any other day. I need to submit a letter about addressing that i will be continuing my study and fill in some forms. I should be very very aesthetic about today but i'm not. I even feel sad. I guess moving on to the unknown is scary. Everything used to be very well planned and I had laid out goals to achieve but now, things will change just like that. Some part of me don't wanna leave a world that i had created, a world i feel very safe and secure. It only had been 3 years with the company but it felt like a decade.

I came back, I saw Max and Alex standing on my doorstep with some pizzas and beers. I just walked towards them and hugged them. Im not sure what happened between them but i cried on their shoulders.
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We eat the pizza and drink some beers like in the old days. Before any of this.

S: Who came out with this idea? How do you guys know im not feeling it.

A: We came out with it together. We knew it as soon as we saw how gloomy you looked at your own surprise party. Well, Max and I came as friends because we knew you need friends right now.

M: We knew this day is coming since Mrs Jackson told us last week. Both of us love you, for sure but we dont want to make things complicated. We made a peace pack for today only.

A: Sort off.

S: *laughs* Peace pack? My ass! Hahahahaha!

A brief silence

S: Thanks.. both of you.. I mean it... I guess i need to make new friends after this at the new place....... At least its nearer to home.. *starting to sobs
You guys knew how much i worked hard in this company. I sacrifice a lot of energy and time to here. Yet...... even my colleagues thought i slept my way...up..

Max and Alex are speechless.

S: I always heard they talked behind my back.. especially in the toilet. No matter how hard the gossips get it didn't get to me as much as it does today.. I used to storm out as soon as they finished talk about me so they would realize i was there listening. Today, I stayed in my cubicle until they left. They said, I slept with you (Max) to get my position in the office then i slept with Mr William to get my scholarship... I just met Mr William today, I didnt know he was one of the evaluator... Am i that disgusting? *crying*

M: You never told me about this before... Did she told you (Alex)?

A: No... We didn't know you had issues in your working place.. We're so sorry..

S: I never told anyone about it.. I didn't expect things would be worst. It's okay guys. I'm finally out from that place! When i graduate, I'll be their new boss. Mr William did gave me a proposition, more like a position. I might work directly with him in the future. We'll see.

We had a good dinner just like in old days. I was nice. I felt very lucky I have friends to be here when im at my lowest point of my life.

A: We wouldn't be around until next month, do you think we could see you before you ..... leave.

S: Yes, of course! I'll never leave without goodbye :)

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I had most of the furniture I bought here, i donated to some neighbors and gave some to Max/Alex. I had deal with my landlord, wrote some emotional cards to people who are actually nice to me and sent most of my stuffs back 'home'. I'll be leaving in a week or so. My semester will begins the next month or two, i'll look back at the calendar. There's a lot to be done but, of course i didn't forget about Max and Alex. That's the whole point of this story.

I text .... I told him, let's meet over branch on Saturday or any day before I depart.

I text ..... I told him, can we meet over breakfast any day before the branch.

THE BREAKFAST

"Hey, it's nice to see you. How was the past weekends?"

'It was okay. I heard you had most of your stuffs sent back home and you sleep on the floor. *laughs'

"Kinda true *laughs*. I gave away almost everything. I need to ensure the condition of my house was just like how i came in, empty. Just a ridiculous coffee table that dont even go well with the colour of the walls. LOL"

'Hurm, i was kinda surprised you invited me over for breakfast....I guess you had decided...*look down* I kinda knew it...*look at Serene and smile* It must be hard for you to choose.'

"It was. I had made up my mind. Im...sorry. I did enjoyed our dates and everything else. You shown me something no one else could have shown me. I hope you...dont hate me.."

'How can i hate you? You are amazing and always have a special place in my heart :) I wish you nothing more than happiness because you deserve it!'

"Can we still be friend?"

'Yes!! OMG, its a 100% yes. Just promise me you will set me up with one of your beautiful Italian girlfriends.'

I was surprised he took it well. He seems calm and it doesn't involve a lot of emotional. I'm glad we could end it in peace. I know in his eyes, i could see his sadness. I hope he would find someone better than me and tread her like a queen.

THE BRANCH

'Hey, you came early. Or am I late?'

"Just on time:)"

'You look stunning *keeps staring '

"Let me get straight to the point. *blush even before beginning to talk* Give me a minute."

'*blush*'

"I hope both of us could start something beautiful together, Alex ^///^ The moment we end our dinner that night, I just knew it in my heart that you are the one. You amazed me and as much as i did loved Max, being in love with you felt so safe and calming... I need you to know, before you say anything, I'm okay if you want to bail now. After this, our relationship will pretty much be long distance. I wouldn't see you as often as I used to be. I would be busier from time to time. I would talk about myself more rather than asking about your day. I would be selfish about myself sometimes. I'm just letting you know that I'm ready for us IF you want the same thing."

'I'll always be there for you even from afar and I will never bail on you!'

A moment of silence.

'Hey, *Alex took my hand, looked at me in the eye* i know this will sound a bit cliche but I mean it. I know I can't compete with Max. I know I cant technically be there for you. I will always cherish you, you are the person I want to wake up next to or at least wake up thinking about. You wouldn't regret your decision.'

His words sank into my heart. each and every word. I know he sound like a fool to promise such thing here and now. Honestly, I want to believe him so bad but deep down I know, it is too early to say. He could be another broken heart. He could be the one who will leave me someday. The future holds such mystery fate. All we can do now is wait and see.

We ate and walked out as a new couple. A couple with a future to think about.

We hold hands, Alex just wouldn't let go. "I got something for you. I wanted to give it to you no matter what you decide. Take it."
Alex hand me like a mini album. I opened it.

This album was filled with pictures of me during our dates and most of it, I was not aware of him taking. I saw pictures of me by the beach, honestly it looks stunning. Below each pictures, he word captions. Most of them are quotes from taylor swift's songs.

"I hope you like it.. I'm sorry if you're uncomfortable if i took photo of you secretly. You were in the moment, I just had to take it. Those captions, well actually, my sister gave me the idea but I find the words myself. I know you love those songs especially swifty. I wanted you to know that no matter what happened, i really really love the time we spent."

*sobs* 'Alex... this is sooo beautiful! Omg im ugly crying again.. Im so sorry, give me a minute. *wipe my mascara* '

"Hey.. listen, i dont care if your make up are ruin as long as I could see you. It's not ugly cry, its just pretty little tears. Some people just magically have them in random times. *Pffft*"

'LOL, hahaha! Im not being random..'

We spend the rest of the day walking and talking about what will happen in a few months..

I will spend my last week in Alex's house. Enjoying each other's company as much as we could. He have 'work' on the day I fly back to Italy for good. In the next two months i'll start my post grad while Alex need to finish his races. We wouldn't be seeing each other as much as we could but we'll try.

Alex appreciates the small things. Even I don't see it. He is more sentimental then I am which, I think is sweet. He is more sensitive too. Sometimes it's annoying like this one night, I slept without saying good night. He got all moody the next day. He didn't even want to eat the pancakes I cooked for him! I had to call his sister to ask him about what happened. He is like a son i never had sometime. No matter how clingy he is, I never feel .... hurm .... uneasy? It that the word? I dont feel annoyed because he would look at me like im some kind of angel. The way he looked at me, his eyes is like the calm breeze of blue sea or babies laughs or puppy eyes? It's comforting.

Of course he have his egos and his temper but never once he treat me badly. No matter what we argue, small argument, he would still come to table for dinner. He would come to comfort me, give me random hugs and kisses. He wouldnt be distance for a long time. He knew that we can't waste time on being away with each other if we actually are so close (in distance) with each other.

He is my hardest good bye before I left. I know I will be back here someday.

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Five years forward.

I had finished my post grad up till I got my PhD. Alex proposed on my convocation in front of my family! A very classic way. He asked someone to take our pictures, while i was looking at the pictures that person took, he got down on one knee and said the magic words. I said YES!

We will get marry as he finish his season this year.

I got back working at Red Bull, things changed here. I don't work in office like how I used too. I still my own office but I spent most of the time in the factory. I need to catch up on the recent technologies. Urgh, need to study that first before I design anything in particular. I did took a minor course on environmental technology. Maybe I could apply it here. We'll see.

Max seems fine. He had a kid. I mean, guys like him may not be married but still can have a son. He had the time, you know what i mean.

Alex had move our from redbull into Mercedes.

For the past 5 years, nothing major happened. We had some ups and down but we never took a break or break up. Alex was and still very patience. He had a few explosions but never, i mean NOT EVEN ONCE he said any nasty things about me. He would be in silence and he would express his feelings and thoughts. He would come and visits whenever he could and i did the same. I had Max as my personal spy but surprisingly, Alex was private about our relationship whenever the press asked him about me, I mean, people saw us together.

So far, I think I live a good life :)

Max called

M: You free next Saturday?

S: It depends.

M: Can i have my second and last date together. I think i can't managed other time or i'll miss your dateline.

S: Ok, i'll compromise. Where and when?

M: Nice! I'll pick you up for breakfast at 9am. We would be in town. Just a casual date.

S: Should we wear any disguise?

M: Not you. I'll managed something.

S: I thought you hated disguises (he enjoys attention in public).

M: I do but i'll compromise for you and only for you :) See you saturday.

I get it. The boys have similar schedule. Alex asked me out on our last dinner date on Sunday tho. They will have the next race next week and my interview result will come out in the next week too. Fingers cross!!

THE SATURDAY

Max fetched me at 9am and he drove me somewhere im not familiar of. I guess we cross country because it took us about 1 hour to reach here. We reached at this breakfast cafe. Let me try to describe what i saw, the cafe is bright blue (called as tiffany cafe) and there's sprinkles decoration around. There's also like a corner of photo booth. I never knew this kind of breakfast cafe existed.

"So, what do you think?"

It looks, bright? How do you about this place?

"My sister came here once with her boyfriend. I saw her IG so i asked her about it."

That make sense. I hope the food here taste as good as the place looks.

The breakfast was okay. Pancakes could never be wrong anywhere except if you burn it. The coffee was really nice. Before we left, Max convinced me to take photo at the photo booth. It was surprising because he dont usually like those kinda thing.

"Let's take some photos for the sake of old times. :)" (I'm fine with it)

So where's the next destination?

"Here's your pamphlet. I made this last night. We will follow this tentative."

Since when you do things like this?? Im amaze *excited face

"I've been thinking. If im gonna win you back,i might as well show you that I could change to be better. I know you used to plan most of our dates which was fine. It's one thing i know you would love. You had been dragging me to plan dates since i could remember."

Let's begin! (I'm touched. He actually paid attention to my ranting.* trying not to smile tooo much)

First destination, the town museum. As we arrived quite early, we were the only one there. Max dont really enjoy any 'educational' date like museum, anything historical to be exact. Yet he shown such interest here. Maybe he want to impress me but i dont mind. I like curious cat Max.

Second place, chocolate factory. Here, we needed to line up for a bit because a kindergarten came for a field trip. Those kids are sooo adorable and even some of them knew Max! They requested some photo with him, he seems surprised to have little kids as fans, i mean, im not. Boys will always be boys. We saw how they made those chocolates here, at the end of the factory there's the chocolate cafe. At the chocolate bar, we could try make our own chocolate bars. I did it like 3 times before Max dragged me away. He said i took to long and some kids were pretty upset about it. LOL I would totally come back here!

Third place, we need a break from anything sweet. I think this place is special for me. "This place have an antique bookstore just down that road. I know you loveee reading so maybe you might find this place , idk maybe comforting. " This place is something else on earth! Outside the store, there's like a guest book. Even the book itself looks older than my grand grand parents. This book store as its own basement. As we entered the store, everything looks pretty modern. As we move deeper into this place, it's like we're walking to the past because the theme of the store slowly go back in time. Bookshelves made of wood like you see in the old movies. Even the decorations and interior designs looks like we're in different era. In the basement, there's like a section of world history in summary. Each era, they would recommend the famous books in those days which you could purchased at as ebooks. Even the helpers in each section of the bookstore wore outfit depending on which era they represent. It's amazing!! It took me hours in the store and i bought some books i could never find elsewhere!

We had lunch break! Time flies so fast, it's 2.30 pm already.

Max drove to a nearby park. This place is very public and i saw people having picnic. We bought some subways and Max had matt from the previous night (our previous dinner).

"Let's eat here."

In this public space? Are you okay with it?

"I see no problem. We had been in 'open public' since breakfast. Not everyone knows me dear :)"

We eat and talk. Nothing special tho. About his latest races, about my work, about our families...

"So, my mum send her regards to you."

Oh, okayy i'll text her later on. How was her health?

"She is fine now. She just need to avoid any stress. Hurm, i told her we broke up. She got pretty upset at first."

....* i cant say much. His mum loves me and really enjoys my company. Whenever summer break, i would came along to visits her.

"Hey, it's fine! I told her it was my fault and i would try to win you back. You know how much she loves you so, can you do me a favor and talk to her. I'm not using her health as an excuse but you know, she gets agitated easily lately."

I'll try my best :) I love her too even when we're not together.

"Do you wanna go home or we continue this trip?"

Let's continue!

"We'll go to the next 2 places then we go back."

I'm fine with that.

We walked to the gelato shop nearby the park. He always remember how much I love ice-cream after lunch. I glanced at his eyes while he was looking away. All those best memories came back flashing and i dropped a few tears without realizing it.

"Heyyyyy, what happened? Why are you crying? Did i do anything?"

Omg im sorry. Nothing. I guess the dust or pollen messing up with me.

Am i being pathetic? Let's just focus on the present. The next destination, we're supposed to go to the art gallery but they cancelled it. I saw they have a sculpture class for amateur, we were lucky they had two last spot. It was fun to be here. I saw a totally different side of Max. He was very determine during the class. I only saw that face if he talks about his work or with the engineer about his car. I never knew he have passion for art. He tried to sculpture fish, it didnt looked much like fish but, i just smile looking as his art.

We spend too long on the class, i decided we cancel the last place we should be going. It's almost sundown so before heading back, Max said let's watch sunset on the park we went earlier. It was beautiful. While waiting for the sunset, the sky turns pink and purpleish. It was so beautiful way to end the day.

"Do you want to eat anything before heading back?"

Im too exhausted to think about eating. Can we just head home?

"Yeah, let's go."

I slept all the way home.

"Hey, you're home."

Thankss Max. It was fun and beautiful all at once :)) I had a good time with you today. It felt like old days.

Max leaned on for a kiss, i kiss him but it was a brief kiss. I got out from the car, waved Max as he drove away.

I can't help myself from tearing up while walking to the door all the way to bed. This pain could end if I just get back with Max. We can act like nothing happened and live as how we used to be. We could plan our future better. Maybe get marry in a few years, after i finished my grad school and have kids like any normal family. Do i really want to be with HIM? A future could be plan with whoever i want.

I cant really sleep that night because the next day i'll be having a dinner with Alex. The last date with him.

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*ringtone

Hello? *sleepy voice

'Its alex here.'

It's morning on Sunday for God's sake. I thought we're having dinner...

'We do. It's actually 12pm now. Hurm, should i come back later?'

Come back later? Are you on my doorstep?

'Sort off..... Hurm, can you come out a minute?'

I'm looking like a monster right now, i dont think so.

'Just come out. You look fine in any condition.'

Give me a minute. *grab bath rob

[Opens the door]

'Tadaaaa!'

HUh?

'I got you a dress for tonight's dinner. I asked my mum and sister to choose for me. Also a shoes or whatever you might call it.'

I MUST wear this?

'Not really. Well, I asked you out quite last minute so i thought you might not have the time to go out to find any dress or what to wear. It's a pretty special place so i kind need you .. hurm, honestly, i dont care what you want to wear tonight. My mum convinced me to do this. I'm sorry if i offended you in any way..'

So you're a mummy son huh? Lol Some part of it is true, i didn't have time to go out especially to buy dress or any fancy outfit. I wore what i have. Im not sure what I wanna wear tonight. This gesture is new to me, kinda weird but its actually thoughtful. Thanks Alex *receive the boxes* You wanna come in?

'I would love too but I have lunch with my family in town. See you tonight ^////^' (he blush which made ME blush too)

Ok, see you :))

I said it. This is new to me. I unbox it real quick. Hurm, is my eyes deceiving me? THIS IS VERA WANG'S DRESS!! aRe YOu kIDdIng MEEEE????? The shoes, ITS A FLAT!!! How is this possible? Did i ever mentioned to him I hated heels? Of course im going to wear every pieces of this. I always wanted a Vera Wang, i thought I would have it on my wedding day someday, i mean tonight is a date not even like the date of my life. IDK this guy is NEXT LEVEL! How can you get a vera wang in such short notice, YOU DONT! He planned this so smooth, i could barely see anything! Wait, wait, do I fit this??

*strip naked ASAP and try the dress on

It fits, thanked God!! A bit loose but that's fine. How, i mean how? You dont simply guess body measurements so accurate to buy a custom made dress. VRW don't sell like in any mall you can walked in. I mean, i could barely breath right nowwwww!!


Kinda like this dress but less revealing and in purple-pinkish. So i wear a cute flower headband with it and cute necklace that goes right in the middle. This dress made me so nervous thinking about tonight. I'm kinda scared too. I mean, this dress cost a fortune! I just knew it as soon as i saw some crystals around the upper part of the dress. This dress, this brand is not cheap AT ALL, with crystals, MAN IT MUST HAVE COST LIKE A PAIR OF KIDNEY OR SOMETHING.

Deep down, I felt like a princess...

8PM

Alex picked me up. Can you imagine a cliche scene in typical movies where as the girl walks down the stairs the guy had waited while staring surprise of how astonishing the girl looks.

'Omg, you look beautiful tonight.'

Thanks, it's the dress actually.

'You could wear anything still looks amazing :)'

Alex drove us to the restaurant. I think i saw this place sometime when i go to town to get my groceries. I didn't know it's a grand restaurant.

You been here before this?

'Once or twice i guess.'

[We got in, the waiter walked us to our table. We're sharing table with another 4 people. Hurm, a bit weird but maybe that's how they do things here. Maybe this dress is a little too much for this place. Suddenly everyone stand up. Im confuse..]

.......

OMG it's a wedding! I saw the bride and groom walked in and everyone cheering.

Who's wedding is this?

'I'm friend with the groom. We met during my days in f2. You're my plus one :)'

The usual wedding tentative. The speeches, toast then dinner. Then cutting cake ceremony and now slow dance before party dance. The usual.

[Make conversation with Alex as soon as the other table-mates had walked away dancing and meeting other people.]

Alex, how do you know my size?

'Honestly, i dont. I had my sister tried it for you. She looks a bit like you, i mean, the size. You're slightly taller. We actually took a risk about it. If you don't fit in at least my sister would get the dress. I mean..'

It's fine. I totally get it but Alex, I insist to pay for this dress. Its....too much! Its.. Vera Wang! Please...

'*laughs* No, just dont. It's not as expensive as you had in mind.'

Vera Wang is never 'less' expensive. I know i work with machines but, i know about these kinda dress.

'*laughs louder*'

What's so funny??

'I never see you soo serious like this.'

I mean, er ...

'My sister has some friends working for Vera Wang. They are still amateur but they do have great designs. She managed to request for this dress for you. She owned me some favors, so this one of it I asked for. Yeah, it's not easy and this dress took awhile to complete but they don't cost you as much as VRW's dresses for market. Your dress is more like a project. Just, chill okayy?'

I'll try. You are totally something you know.

'Do you like it?'

No... I LOVE IT! Omg, i had always wanted a VRW's dress since I had my prom. I never told anyone about it tho.

'You did told me once. You was drunk that time. *pfft* You were nagging about how Max didn't send your dress for dry cleaning and wash it with other clothes. Your dress end up damage and full with other stain. It was your favorite dress. You asked me out to accompany you drink that night as a protest to Max. You told me you wanted VRW but you could never afford one, yet.'

I did what? omg...wait, isn't that like last year?

'I guess so. I remember that night you were so wasted, you almost kissed me, that was what i thought but actually you passed out right to my face. Hahahaha! I was so nervous.'

Im so embarrass right now..

'Don't be! They way you embrace yourself envies me. You dont care what people think about you. Your personality that got me hooked on... I know it's not right to have a crush on your best friend's girlfriend but i cant help myself. You are worth the wait, the heart break, even if you choose Max, i have no regrets. Let's just enjoy the rest of the night :) I know you need to get up early tomorrow so we can go back now if you want.'

We got out early. 'You eat spicy food?' I said, i do.

'I know a place that sells the best taco in town and still open in this hour.'

Let's go then! (I'm still hungry because its a wedding, we dont eat full course. I mean we did but all those dancing and speeches always makes you hungrier. Maybe just me.)

So Alex, tell me something you don't usually tell people about yourself.

'I'm asian.'

I knew that. You took Thailand super license. Kinda obvious. People already know some part of you are Asian *laughs

'Well, maybe about my past relationship. Hurm, it was beautiful to be honest. We dated for quite sometime. By that time, i thought we're hoing to end up marrying each other and have kids. Then, i hit a rough patch where i was always angry. I was not winning much races. I lost sponsors and I can't effort racing. She stayed by my side but I was stupid trying to prove to her she that .... she hurm... Well, I kinda became wild for a duration that I accidentally kissed a girl which a friend took picture and shown to her. She left for good. I tried to apologies but I knew i made it hard for her. I let her go. I changed since that. I try to improve my racing and here I am. If I didn't messed up, she might still be here with me.'

That's deep. I didnt mean to bring up any scars..

'It's okay. It was so long ago tho. I tried dating, i had other exes but no one was as special as she was.'

I get it. First love is the hardest.

'True. How about you?'

Hurm, i'm simple. I always wanted to be a novelist or a writer, i even took literature for my minor ^^. I told my dad about it but he thought i was joking. So, yeah, I just laughed with him.

'Have you ever write anything?'

I did actually. When i was in junior high, i wrote like short stories using a secret signature name. I dont really have much friends so only the publisher, the president of our newspaper club knew about me. He even asked me out once, he was the first guy i dated. It was just a date tho. It was super awkward.

'Hahahaha maybe you should do it part time or something.'

I dont have the time. Besides, my writing passion had disappear since i started working. I can't focus on writing because i'm too occupied in this industry.

'Yet now you're waiting for your scholarship to fly. Post grad is a big deal! It must be awesome to do what you always wanted to do.'

You love racing and f1 is a dream come true. It's almost every racers' dream to be here. I appreciate speed but I love the idea of making the speed possible. Designing one of the car or a part of it, it's like the driver is driving a part of you too. Each car, each part of it represent a person, a team. We dont need the credit but we do want to see success. Im so sorry, i talked too muchh

'It's beautiful :) I'll appreciate more when i drive. It's getting late. I should send you home.'

Yeah, let's go.

Reach home.

You wanna come in?

'Huh, me? You'll be working tomorrow. I shouldn't bother you...'

I lean and kissed him while grabbing his collar. I insist...

He stayed the night. I had wonderful night. I hate that I need to wake up early for work. I woke up and I stared at Alex sleeping soundly next to me. He looks peace and soft. I feel safe.

I saw this once, it said,

"Once you are in love. You never forget that love, you just love someone more."

At first, I thought it was such a ridiculous thing. You forget that person and moved on. Find someone better. Now, i hate to admit it. It is true, you just love someone else more.

Love is many thing and one of it is unfair. You could be soooooooo in love with someone but the other person could feel nothing at all. (Here is about a person with real connection not kpop idol or any fanatic artist you're in love with. Even anime characters are not included)

You could feel genuinely in love but it could never force the other party to do the same.

I know i sound angry and I am.

I just told my mum about my first love. This Nico guy (not real name). I told her how after those years I actually met him again. We're currently studying in the same uni but different course.

Nico dont even remember me. He didnt appreciate what we had or at least the friendship we had. I cant go to him because i dont want to be pathetic trying to prove my previous existence. If he really appreciate me, at least as a friend, he would notice.

Honestly, as much as it hurts me in the past, I really appreciate our friendship. What we used to have was one of the best thing in my life. He said I was a very good friend and I had achieved something. It's his lost to loses a friend like me.

I never force him to like me or to be my friend but once he admitted I was a best friend, I cherished that. I know that loving him got the best of me but I didnt regret being there for him. He had picked someone better than me in almost all aspects which is understandable but it is unfair for him to buried me underneath all memories.

Again, we can't force people to remember you.

The funny thing is about 'remembering' a person.

I used to have a crush on this one guy. He even gave me his tie clip (which was a big deal back then). The tie clip had his dad's abbreviation, 'DZ'. Years after it, i reached him out, i told him i still kept his tie clip, he said i have the wrong person. I might mistaken him and his unknown junior. I knew 100% it's ridiculous because i remember him vividly. I had never posses anything from someone I dont even know existed.

Why is it sooooooooo easy for you to forget someone. Even if you did, is it sooooooooooo hard to try make effort to recall it? I mean, don't you appreciate that after years and years those poor people still remembered you. Yet you just need to be a dick and deny everything.

If we kept the picture of you in our memory, it is because you once meant something. Im sorry we actually thought you care.

We are someone else's nightmare. We could be toxic towards someone without even realizing about it. I guess we could also be a dick towards someone without realizing it too.

You can't expect too much on a stranger with memories. You have had beautiful past with them but you cant expect they are still as beautiful as they used to be.

You get disappointed easily when you put too much unnecessary efforts on a person.

Moving on from anyone you once loved or you thought you might have something in common is never easy no matter how many times you did. You hurt yourself countless times before finally have a stable relationship.

Now, you (this is me) just need to admit that without those shitty guys, you never would end up with this guy you're in love with right now. The guy that treat you better, far far better. Very acceptable of your weakness and cherish every moment being together.

Thanks dickheads, im happy now :)

On the way back, we barely say anything. I guess i've been thinking about what we used to be. All the what ifs.

'Hey, you okay?'

'Yeah. Oh, we're here. Thanks for the night Max. *Smile*'

Max lean on and kiss me. I .... I kiss him back. It was just a kiss. Nothing more. I waved him from my door.

I'm not sure why i kissed him back but i didn't regret it. It feels unfair for Alex. How is him competing with Max who i had been together since 3 years ago. I tried to make it as fair as i could. I dont want to hurt him. I never want to loose him as a friend. He is a good friend. So i text him,

S: Are you awake? I just came back from a dinner with Max. I'm just gonna say it frankly with you. I dont want you to get hurt by me. You can find someone else, im fine with it.

A: Did anything happened between you and Max? Are you guys back together?

S: No, not really but he kissed me and i kissed him back.. I felt like im being unfair with you.

A: Oh, honestly im not surprised, you guys go way back. It's not about fair serene. It's about your heart. Love could be confusing and selfish. Here i am feeling the same. We need to risk things to get the better of them. Right now im risking my heart and it's not your fault. I choose to do it. NO one force me. I'm the one pushing myself to do so.

S: You could risk it for someone else. I'm not special. You'll find someone better than me someday.

A: No one is worth more than you. I tried but it's just me wasting someone else's time. Whenever i tried to go out on a date, all i see if your face. Whenever we hang out, I would be sooo happy, i blushed my way home. Now, you're going somewhere else far from me, i might not even get this chance again. Even if you choose Max, at least i could tell myself that i had gave it a try. I have had my chance with you. I can't force you to love me, to like me but i could try. I cant stop you from loving Max or continuing love Max even if we're together but i could try show you that my love for you is unconditional compare to Max. The future for us are full of mystery but I bet it could be a beautiful mystery if we uncover it together. I can't erase your past as much as i cant erase my feelings for you. Both of us are selfish.

S: I might still be in love with Max.

A: I know and that's okay. I still have 2 more dates to convince you otherwise. Now, stop overthinking and rest. You deserve a good night sleep. Night :)

Alex did made a few fair points. I can't control someone else's decision. We decide who we're willing to hurt for. It will never make sense. That's love. Love makes you do crazy shits.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey, morning~ (I looked aside and i saw Alex.)

Alex? How?

Hey, morning beautiful~ (Sounds like Max. I looked the other side, it is Max?!)

Wait, how can both of you're here? Am i naked? (looked down, nope) Am i dreaming? I must be.

A: hey Love, you don't have to choose. Just take both of us.

M: True, we'll learn to cope with the three of us. It's not really weird, i mean it is far from norm but we'll be the other type of lgbt community or something.

S: *frowny* OMG this dream is sooooooo weird. I never want to pick any of you but I have too. I can't be with both you at the same time. It does not fell fair to both of you.

A: You mean one must be sacrifice for another person's happiness?

S: I know it sounds mean but rather than being together the 3 of us is just more weird.

M: Think about what I said, if both of you get you, everyone is happy. Are you happy Alex?

A: I am! Last night was amazing, come here.

S: NOOOOOOOO

*awake*

Did i just had the most creepiest dream? I must be thinking too much about them.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Both of them are not in town for the next month because they have 3 races back-to-back. I have sometime to myself. Tomorrow i'll be having my important interview. I'm super nervous and super stress about it. Mrs Jackson told me I should just chilled because the interview is just for paper work. I got this! I need to keep my mind focus on the goal! Maybe i'll try to apply somewhere near home this time.

The interview. (All those bla bla, the writer dont really have much idea on what it is yet. Bare with me)

Interviewer A: Hi, how are you? Please introduce yourself.

Me: Hello :) My name is Serene Sergio, i'm applying for school bla bla. I have been working with red bull in bla bla for 3 years now.

B: You're resume is very impressive. Can you tell us about your recent paper about bla bla.

Me: *Explaining about the bla bla paper*

C: It sound revolutionary. If we give you this opportunity, how will you make a different to the company.

Me: I had been given many opportunities by this company since the day i arrived here. I am very grateful for each of it and even today is one of it. I believe I could contribute in the bla bla department. As far as my experience goes, nothing much had changed there especially the engine area. I'm convince after my graduation, I could work immediately and improve on bla bla department. With all due respect, this area of expertise had been entrusted to men ever since the res bull racing was built, I think this would be a very bold step for red bull racing to make this changes and try something very different this time.

A: Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Me: I hope i would be the one sitting on that side of the table.

The interview goes on for the next 20 minutes or so. They asked me about my career point and the field that i would apply. I tried my best. I hope they see it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I came back and I saw 2 bouquet of flowers laying on my front door. One from Max and another by Alex. What's funny about it is, both of the flowers are the same type of bouquet. I guess they googled the same florist and saw the same catalog. Both of them knew I love sunflowers and baby breath. Sometime i wish i dont have to choose and just be with both of them. *remember the dream I had that day* I rather be single rather being with both of them.

Maybe i shouldnt choose any of them. Maybe.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Summer break

I got home a week early during summer break because i need to be back a week early too. I told both of them that DO NOT COME TO MY HOMETOWN EVEN FOR ANY SURPRISED. I need this break to be with my family and they need to be with their family too.

Me: Dad, if you must choose between Ferrari and Mercedes, which one will you choose? Is it the team you had been loyal to or a team that is winning right now?

Dad: Is that my only options?

Me: YES!

Dad: Hurm, i think i'll go with Mercedes because they are winning. Why would i go with a team i had work for? I should be with a new team especially if they are winning.

Me: Even after you had work with Ferrari for more than a decade?

Dad: Why not? Nothing much changed even since I left. Why take a step behind when you can take a step forward.

Me: ....

Dad: Honey, is there anything bothering you right now? You looked anxious most of the time. Are you and Max okay? Or is it the interview?

Me: We broke up a few months ago... The interview was fine..

Dad: Oh, I'm so sorry honey..

Me: No dad. Max wanted me back but there is another guy who confessed to be on the same day. He is Max's teammate. I'm not sure who I should be with. Both of them are so sweet and made me feel safe. What should I do now... T_T

Dad: That's why the Ferrari and Mercedes. Honey, if Max truly loves you, he had never left even for a second. He might be sorry now but he might leave you again someday when time gets more tougher. I don't know about this other guy but if he was there even since you're with Max, i guess, he must be very patient and very in love with you because he never make a move while you were with Max as you were happy with Max. This is just my piece of mind. You could even choose someone else.

Me: Thank dad. This totally helps me. *Hug my dad* I wanna study somewhere near home this time.

It's always nice to be home. I spend each moment at home like i will never come back. I miss them a lot! My mom even said I was too clingy this time.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Beep*

Alex: hey, i heard you're in town. Are you ready for our second date?

S: I'm kinda tired from the travelling. Can we not do it today?

A: It's fine. Whenever you feel like it.

S: Dinner or breakfast?

A: Breakfast.

S: Tomorrow would be fine.

A: Can we eat at your place.

S: Sure sure. I dont mind take in. Anything is fine actually.

A: See you tomorrow :) I'll be there at 10am.

That was fast. I just landed and he was already asking me out.

THE BREAKFAST

Alex arrived on time as usual. He came with some food and brought along a backpack like he was planning on sleepover.

"What's with the bag *laughs*"

"You'll see. Let's dig in! I have some waffles and pancakes. Freshly made from home!"

"You cooked by yourself?"

"It's pancake and waffles, everyone could do that."

He is wrong. Max can't even cook anything by himself. Barely but one or twice he magically managed it.

"Yeah right. What else you got there?"

"Maple syrup. Or are you on any diet? I'm sorry, i mean

"Alex, i never go on any diet even if i feel like im fat. I just love to eat. Thank God for the good metabolism. Just chill okayy."

"Okay, fuhh! Let's watch some nice movies. I brought along these. *some CDs and even a mini DVD player"

"Is that CDs? Do people still used it?"

"Hahahaha! I just wanted to do something different. CDs always give some vibe you know. Childhood vibes, all positive vibes."

"You just never fail to surprise me. Let's watch some."

Alex bring out some popcorn from his bag pack.

"Alex, did you just bring popcorn?! *burst to laugh*"

"*laughs with me* Can i used your stove, im just gonna cook it real quick."

"Make yourself at home *Still laughing*"

"I know you would be too tired to go out to eat so i bring the foods to you. If you want to change into your sweatpants, im fine with it too. I mean, it's your house. Wear whatever that makes you feel comfortable."

"Aw,,,, how thoughtful. Now, go make your popcorn, amma go change my pants real quick!"

OMG this guy. How can you not like himmmm?!

We enjoyed a few good old movies like legally blond 1 and 2, some dumb and dumber. I watched the second movie half way before i felt asleep on the sofa. Technically, i slept on his shoulder for i think solid 1 hour. I woke up, he didn't even moved! Oh, he was asleep too. He looks so calm sleeping.

Its almost 3pm and im hungry again. I'll just order in some lunch. Then I saw Alex just woke up.

"Hey, im ordering lunch. What do you want?"

"Anything is fine. I need to used the restroom."

"Ok, omg you dont need my permission!!"

"I'm just sayinggggg."

So we eat lunch. We didnt talked much but, Alex said this

Serene, i want to let you know. I really love being your friend. If you don't choose me, i'll still be here if you wanna rant about anything or anyone *He smile, the genuine smile*. I'll try to be there okayy. No matter what happened, we'll always be friends :)

I just shook my head. I dont really know what to say. What did I do to deserve someone like him chasing after me...

"Hey, wanna watch the sunset with me? *Alex out of the blue*"

"Yeah, yeah suree. Let me .." *he just grabbed my hand, let's just go. You look fine already :))

He drove us to the hill where I went with Max that day. We stayed in the car and watched the sunset in silence. It is romantic. It's very beautiful and you dont need words to describe it. It's comforting being around Alex.

"Let's find some ice cream before going home."

"Yayyyyy"

Alex send me home with nice amount of ice cream.

'Thanks Alex. I really enjoy the day.'

"No problem :)" *he looked away, i think he is shy*

'I think you have some chocolate smug there.'

"Where.." I lean on and kiss him.. He kiss back >,<

Now, both of us are blushing. 'Im gonna go.' I quickly ran for the door. I waved him as he drives away.

If only the day is longer....

I decided to call both Max and Alex to meet me at my house the next weekend. I'm not sure how i should put this in words. I'm not sure what i'm doing but what i'm sure of is that, i need to choose someone or no one.

The weekend

Max: What are you doing here Alex?

A: I was about to ask you the same thing.

S: Both of you just come in. Wait for me in the dining room, i need to pay this pizza guy here.

//////

S: Okay. I know this is going to be a bit confusing but i'm just gonna be straight forward. Alex wanted a chance with me while Max wanted another chance with me.

M n A: WHAT?!

S: Both of you are best friends and also very competitive with each other. I'm not another race. I'm a human with feelings but I'm going to give both of you a fair fight. Any one of you who wish to withdraw, I'm totally fine with that too because I'm never wish to be in this position in the first place.

M: I'm in for it.

A: I'll give it a try..

S: Here it go. Tonight, let's pretend nothing happens yet. We are just 3 friends hanging out. So, please, don't make tonight awkward. I mean it Max, *looked at him* I don't need anymore in my plate or both of you are out for good.

M: I'll behave. I promise.

S: I got an important interview next week so both of you can't mess it up for me. Both of you get 3 dates with me before i decide who. It will be breakfast, lunch and dinner. The one who won my heart, i'll ask him for a branch. You can choose any day except if i'm not feeling it. As both of you know I always work late so expect dinner will be the most difficult date to ask. I would complain or say what i want to do or eat or anything, you guys plan it yourself. Any question?

A: This would be advantage to Max because he knows almost everything you like. Can i get some leverage?

S: A good one! It's not going to be easy for Max because he had the chance but he blew it. Okay Alex, you are allow to ask me questions prior to any dates. I'll only answer your questions not suggesting anything. I'll give you a head start. You choose the first date. Both of you get 2 months to ask me out because I know you guys will be travelling for the next races and everything. Maybe 3 months, we'll see.

M: How can we know you're being fair?

S: Well firstly, this is not a competition. It's about making me feel happy, safe and lifted.. For the first time in a long time, everything is about me. If anyone of you wish to withdraw, I'm fine. Even if both of you decided to drop off, i'm still going to be fine. Honestly, I never wanted to do this but deep down i need to know what happen if i actually give both of you a chance. I could end up with either or neither of you. I just want to live without regret.

A few minutes of silence.

S: Now let's eat and act like nothing happened.

I could feel the tension between both of them that night. I wish I had packed my things and leave for good. Start a new life without any of them but I can't help myself. What will happen if i actually give the chance. What if one of them is actually my soulmate but i left. I end up alone like how i used to be.

Alex is this sweet guy and kind. He is quite religious and i've always felt safe around him. He is a good friend and a great listener. I used to nag on him about Max whenever we had issues. I dont want him to be like a rebound. I dont need his sympathy. Yet, if he does fall in love with me, I think he deserve a chance to try.

Max, where do i start. For the past 3 years, we had built something extraordinary. We had each others' back. We were happy and so in love. We spent most of our free time together. I had no regrets being with him but he broke me. He can't expect I forget that. A whole month of numbness. A whole month being depress alone. Smile because i think it's appropriate, I eat because my stomach needs it, sleep early every night because i had been longing his warm hugs and his presence alone. It felt like a thousand year, like every second without him felt like a day. Time flows so so so slow without. As i wanted to step out, he came back begging...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So Alex texted me before our first date. He asked if i have any allergy, any phobias. Basically anything alarming that he should be aware of.

First date with Alex : Lunch

I think he is being safe so he asked me out on weekend.

A: I'll pick you up by 10 so we can catch the first movie and get lunch after that. Wear something comfortable because we'll spend the evening on beach.

S: That sound perfectly good for a plan.

I'll just fast forward to the date.

He picked me up at 10am sharp! He gave me flowers, sunflowers to be specific. He drove us to the cinema, so far i felt normal being with him. I didn't wear any disguise to go out with him. There is no spotlight. I mean, he is very humble and just sweet.

Instead of eating at the mall, he decided to drive somewhere. I was kinda surprise to see we arrived at the beach. He asked me to close my eyes, he lead me to ...... a seafood pub! How did he know i was craving for seafood!! It was hard to find the time to eat fresh seafood especially while working. You know i work late most days and barely eat properly. I mean, the delivery guy technically knows me already. I personally texted him for my usual.

"I heard you love lobster. Here we are *with his shining innocence smile*"

"Did i told you that?"

"No no no, it was from our past conversations. Remember you were pissed that Max because you ordered too much lobster for three days in a row."

"Yeah, that.. Wow you remember that huh."

"Sort off *looks away* it was the first time you called me out of the blue to tell me that. I only laughed.."

We ate, i mean i ate lobster and even ordered takeouts. Alex lead me down to the beach and even bought some sunblock with him in case i need it. I MEAN, ISN'T THAT SWEET AS HELL!

"Serene, can I, er, can I..

"Yeah?"

"Can we hold hands?" *his face bright red

"yeah.. sure *smile back and trying my best not to blush"

Alex asked if i wanted to watch sunset but i told him maybe next time because its 3pm and we need to wait like 4 more hours. We headed back and Alex made a pit stop at a bakery. He bought some muffins and bread because he was worried if im still hungry.

He sent me to the door. I glaze at his adorable eyes, could hear sound of kids playing around the part, it is weird to actually describe a glaze. I kissed him on the cheek, i said, thank you for the day. I'm looking forward for the next one :)

Alex is like a high school sweetheart that i had always wanted. Someone so secure and sweet all along. That must be at least something.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alex texted me as he reached home and said some other sweet things. Suddenly Max called,

M: Hey, you free tonight?

S: I'm kinda exhausted, ive been out all day.

M: With (pause), dont say it. I knew it already. Please, just a simple dinner. Wear anything casual, i dont mind. You dont need to wear any disguises or whatever. Just a casual dinner.

S: Ok fine but it better be good.

M: Trust me, you'll love it! I'll pick you up at 8? One hour enough for you to get ready?

S: You said it's casual so make it half hour.

So right now, I'm getting ready for another date. That's fun? I guess so.

Max picked dinner at the first date. Honestly I imagine the last date with him will be a dinner because he lovesssss exclusive dinner.

*Hon!

Max in on time. I mean, i go out with racers, what do you expect.

"You look stunning as always :)"

"Thanksss. You too, look very casual."

"Before that, here you go. *Gives me like a basket full of cookies container. It's from nanna."

"My nanna???? Italy? Are you serioussss???"

"Yupe, i called and I had some friends there to pick it up personally and bring it here. I had to make sure no cookies damage tho so i took 2 to 3 pieces ...."

"It's fine. OMG i missed her.."

"Hey, save any tears for other day okay. Let's go!"

He pulled out at a housing area which im not familiar of.

"Dinner here?"

"Well, hurm, let me explain. This person, he used to be a chief in somewhere famous but he retired but, here's the best part. He accept private request for him to cook. Very exclusive dinner. He only accepts certain people to dine in his home. We are among them tonight :)"

"(I told you, he loves exclusive dinner) Wow, I did not see that coming at all."

We enter the house and go straight to the dining hall. The house looks normal, i mean, nothing beyond expectation. Besides us, I saw like another 2 couples here. I bet he only accepts like 6 people once.

Max told me that he had asked favor from the chief to prepare a special dinner for me. I told Max, he shouldn't go too far with this. I appreciate it but it's not about winning me like a trophy. We only go out like this on special occasion back then.

"This is the special occasion. An occasion of me winning you back. I know I had been such a dick last month. I was not being realistic at all. Please, let me explain myself. *I just shook my head* When you started to talk about your future plan, I was very happy for you. You kept on talking about how great it would be for us. By that time, i dont really see myself in the picture. I think hard on what you said and i felt like im holding you back. I want you to grow your own wings and fly as high as you wish. I will always be down here to catch you if you ever fall. I mean it in a good way. I wanted you to go forward without looking back."

"We could talked about it......"

"Wait, let me continue. I know if I tell you any of this, it will make you harder to leave. I appreciate that. I know how much you care about me. I know that no matter how far you go, you will always find your way back to me like how we used to resolve our issues together. I know I should had consider your opinions on this. I know its unfair for me to decide things for you. I just... I just want the best for you..."

"What changed your mind? Why now? Why don't you just leave like you thought it was the best for me."

"I cant.... I barely live without you. I cant even throw any of your stuffs away myself. I love it being there. I just love the idea, you might come around and talked me out of my stupid decision but, you, didnt... WHICH I totally get it. Most days I would wake up and check my phone if you called or texted me. I would look beside me if you might come back one night and sleep beside me like nothing happened. I was being pathetic. I was so selfish to decide things so drastic but I'm also so selfish right now because I want you by myself. I cant shake the idea of you being with any other man. I..

"Stop. I appreciate your explanation. I mean it. I was miserable without you too... I barely felt alive, im so dead inside.. *sigh* Can we enjoy tonight like nothing happened.."

"Yeah sure sure. I'm sorry *wiping his own tears* I'm sorry.."

*Your meal is here. For the first course we have fish with bla bla bla*

I looked at him and everything just felt like in silence. Right now it's just you and me. Some part of me wish im not here, another part of me felt relieve because now i know why he did what he did. Im not sure which side i am right now.

The dinner felt like im at home (Italy) with my mum and my dad. Tasted sooo good and i miss home more than i thought i do. After dinner, instead of going home, Max drove us to the hill area.

"Why are we here?"

"Tonight will have meteor shower and i know where is the best spot!"

"Are you sure? This place is already flooded with people. I don't think we will have our own space."

"Trust me. Come!"

He dragged on into upper part of the hill and we actually found a space for ourselves. He laid out like a mat? I dont know, it's pretty dark to see what actually it is. I'm sure its a cloth. We also have a good view. I looked up and wait for it to happen. Suddenly Max play some songs on his phone. It was all of our favourite songs. The songs i usually play while i cooked in the kitchen, while i bath, songs i played when we ate dinner, songs we play in the car. We have the same taste in musics. All the memories approached me like a lightning. I could smell the grease of me cooking in his kitchen, his car perfume and his usual body wash, shampoos.

While gazing onto the meteors, i'm actually crying. I dont even realize when i started but i know my face is wet. Very wet. Without saying any words, Max wipe the tears with his sleeve. 'Let's dance to this song' he said

We slow dance on this song, little do you know.

I do miss us.

When you break up, it is never easy and no matter how many time you go through it, it will always be full of pain. This went down,

A month ago,

Max: Im sorry..

Me: ..... I need some space.

Max: I tried... but i... don't think I could be there for you. I still love you..

Me: But for you love is not enough. You need to leave...

Max: *gave me the look, the sorry look*

I ghosted him since that day. All my feelings shun. You know when you have had it, you just feels like it's better to ignore EVERY FEELINGS you have and just live. Just do what you do best. Eat because you have too. Bath because you have too. Do certain things to survive because you are still a human who needs to still live even actually you are dead inside.

Loving Max is the second best thing. Of course the first best thing is being home. I've always been far from home. I guess someday I should try be more nearer to home.

*Beepp beep

Max: I'll leave your things at your door this evening.

Me: I'll get it myself at your house if you're free this evening.

Max: Sure. I'll be here at 5.

This is the only time i actually text him back. I want to make peace even if i have too. I need to let go. I've been avoiding people, any party, any social events. I avoid talking to people besides for work.

I know it was the most boring month ever.

*Ringtone*

Me: Hello

Alex: I heard what happened. You want to talk about it?

Me: There's nothing to talk about. Did he sent you?

Alex: Not exactly, I mean he told me you guys broke up.

Me: Tell him im doing fine without him. I dont need any pity party.

Alex: He is not with me....right now. I do worry about you okay.

Me: Alex, im doing well okay. Thank you for your concern, bye.

Max and me did fought sometime but we never been in any situation where it was difficult up till we break up. We almost been on break but we still managed to be together. He never give up on me even when time gets tough. When he suddenly broke up with me because im putting my career over him is...unfair. I've always been supportive of his career. He thinks being with me is hard, how about me being with him? Coping with his ego. Being the one who always apologize first even when the fault is not mine. Being the one who always try to make up with him first. Im done with that bull. Im done being put aside because i want to continue study.

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5pm at Max's house

*Ting Tong

Max: Come in.

I walked in without looking at him. I start packing my things. I came across.... a frame of us being together. We looked happy and very in love. It was the first holiday we went. I paused at that frame .... Stare at it so hard. I just cant made up my mind why we throw everything away just like that. Why is it so easy.....

Max: You can keep that .... if you want too.

OMG this guy. Who is he? I dont know him anymore! He was the one who putted the picture there and insisted for it to stay there even when i wanted to put a new picture. Instead of putting it in my box, i just threw it in the bin right in front of him.

Me: I think i got everything i need. If you see anything else that is mine, you can just throw it away.

Then i casually walked out and into my car. Holding my anger face. Being angry is just easier.

As soon as i started drive off, tears streaming on my cheeks. I've lost it. All the emotions i had suppressed for a month just EXPLODED! I can't hold in any longer. I'm kinda surprise he looked very casual and very calm. All my things are right where i left it. The picture was still there. Even my toothbrush was right beside his. You see a life you spent for the last 3 years in someone else's life fitted in a box. How can that makes you feel nothing. I blast all break up songs i had even known and drove around for a couple of hour until i decided to go home and order some delivery.

As i reached home, i saw Alex standing on front door. Of course he saw my mascara smug on my cheeks.

Me: What are you doing here?

Alex: I was in the neighborhood. I thought I should see how ....you're coping...

Me: ...you can go home...

Alex: Food? *he had some takeaway with him. Looks like pizza.

Me: Get in.... its because of the food.

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We eat in silence for the first half an hour.

A: How was work?

M: Ok i guess.

A: Me too.

M: ...

A: I know its non of my business but..

M: Yes its non of your business. Of course you will back your 'mate' up. Typical.

A: Max is stupid to let you go. He should never hurt you like this. You deserve better.

M: I've heard that line for thousands of times whenever i told my friends about my break up. "You deserve better." Who is better? Where can i find this 'better' guy? Does he even exist? Why should i seek for him? All the men i seek broke my heart like a broken promise so casually cruelty.

A: What if, that 'better' man is right in front of you?

M: You? Alex.... No.... I cant.... I'm dealing with a lot right now, i don't need another drama. I just broke up with your best friend for fuck sake.

A: And Max is stupid for dumping you! Hey.. I dont need you to decide right now, all i ask is a chance. If it's not now then i'll wait.

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I have always known Alex as the sweet friend. Yes he cares about me but nothing shows anything more than just a friend. When i first got together with Max, he encourage me. This is just to much for a night. I need a break from all of these...

*beep beep

Max: I miss you. I made a huge mistake. I'm sorry. Please...

I did not asked for more headache.

Sebab abang Max upload video dia balik kampung, kite pun inspire nak sambung sikit drama dia. It will be maybe one or two episode. Just a brief update on current situation.

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Every relationship has ups and downs so does things with Max and me.

Most of the time we struggle with the same issues. Me with my time management with him and Max with his ego. We share the same field of working but a totally different area. You see, i work in the technician team and right now i involve in the making of the new f1 car rather than the current car thus, i wouldn't be joining most of the races that will be held. I don't really need to join the technician team on track if i want to. In the other hand, Max is the driver and he will be on the track most of his time OF THE YEAR which separates us.

Currently my manager told me I could apply for post grad scholarship or keep on working. There is probably a new program for sponsoring post grads for the research team. She can recommend me for the upcoming program because she said I have potential and i'm still young. She made some good points. I could even get my doctorate, then continue working here with a raise and my own research team. Be part of something more innovative and breaking the norm. You don't see an energy drink company giving money on sponsoring kids going to school. At least post grad program. Maybe this could be my only opportunity.

I'm not saying Max don't want me to continue my studies but he did seemed sad when i told him i'm applying for that program. Nothing is confirm YET because red bull hasn't yet announce any post grad program. It could all be just whispers and nothing in reality. I told him i might be back to school and probably be in America. I wanted to join MIT. Let me just keep it simple. We wouldn't be seeing each other much and also long distance.

It has been 3 years since I met him and also almost 3 years being with him. Tomorrow marks 3 years of me working with this company. I had shown a significant amount of contribution on the company and lately on the industry. I went to a convention and was given the opportunity to present my ideas about the new design of the car. Since then, I had a few offers from different companies taken interest on me. I am valuable to the company. Most of my achievements were achieved because this company had given me the opportunity to prove myself. I mean, this company is full of competitors and everyday is like going to war. You can't simply sit on your desk and expect a raise from doing 'just-what-you-need-to-do'. You need to be more than that!

I told Max what i had told you. From word to word! He seems amazed but you could still see sadness in his eyes. I mean, of course you will be upset if your partner just suddenly came up saying we might be separated across the globe.

Things are already hard, what i decide is making things harder. I guess so. I was so hyped about proceeding a future which honestly, all about me. I know it seems selfish but this might be my only chance. It's not about money but about breaking the sigma and ideas of women not involving in this industry. You don't see women much in the factory let alone the research team. I'm not trying to be feminist but we (women) are not given much 'space' to work there. They will said things about maternity leave, being too emotional for important decisions. It sounds like a total joke because even the most powerful person in UK is the QUEEN who is a female. Those things run in the company. We are the one who needs to adapt to the industry not the other way around.

Max is nice, sweet and very understanding. I'm trying not to make everything about myself but it is.

Since I told Max about my plans, he has been acting a bit strange and we have not spend much time together. Yeah its true we actually spend less time together but this time it is less than normal. It does get to me. I love him with my heart. I had been dreaming about being with him since I was 17 and right now i'm risking probably the love of my life over my future.

Max has not been selfish with me most of the time. We tried our best to be there for each other. The season usually starts in end of March or early April until December. Each month there will be 2 up to 3 weekends of racing in different countries and sometime in different continent. He would be home sometimes once a month or sometimes only on the 2 weeks break in June or July, i'll check the calendar later. Those 2 weeks would be spend mostly in his hometown where visits his dad and his mom. We would take some trips somewhere. Each of his race, maybe the first year i joined the company was the most i had anticipated as technician analysis or supportive technician. I got bigger assignment last year and this year maybe i would be in a few races to watch him.

I want to be able to be there for him but i also want him to be there for me. That's the dilemma. We don't get to be there for each other as much as we want. We do understand and support each other. I mean, we are far too busy to cheat on each other even if we want too. I'm not saying any of us are thinking about it. That is just how unavailable we are even for each other.

Sometimes i wonder, could be start a family? Could we have the time to actually build a family with stable homes and settle down in one place. Could be have a normal family dinner and have normal living in some part of our lives. Right now we are too young to settle down because we are still reaching for something bigger even for this relationship. Being together is a bless but it is enough?

*Beep beep*

Max: Hey, you free this lunch?

Me: Yeah. Wanna lunch together?

Max: Okay, meet you in your office in 15.

Yeah i know, i managed to get my own office after 2 years working in cubicle. Most of the seniors engineer were kinda jealous of my promotion. Right now Max is at headquarters for some stuffs so he is around.

*knock knock

Me: It's open. Oh, Miss Jackson, what can i do for you?

Miss: You got it!

Me: Excuse me?

Miss: I told HR you are interested in the post grad program so I recommend you to them. They just gave me a call, they said they are interested to interview you for that position!!

Me: OMG thank you! (knock knock) Max! I got it! *i ran to hug him

Max: *hug me back and smile* I knew you could do it!

Miss: I'll leave you guys to your lunch. *walk out*

Max: I wanted to talk to you about what you told me last few weeks.

Me: About the opportunity that i had been longing for and i got one step closer to it.

Max: I can't do it. We need to break up.

Me:

Max: Im sorry....