When you break up, it is never easy and no matter how many time you go through it, it will always be full of pain. This went down,
A month ago,
Max: Im sorry..
Me: ..... I need some space.
Max: I tried... but i... don't think I could be there for you. I still love you..
Me: But for you love is not enough. You need to leave...
Max: *gave me the look, the sorry look*
I ghosted him since that day. All my feelings shun. You know when you have had it, you just feels like it's better to ignore EVERY FEELINGS you have and just live. Just do what you do best. Eat because you have too. Bath because you have too. Do certain things to survive because you are still a human who needs to still live even actually you are dead inside.
Loving Max is the second best thing. Of course the first best thing is being home. I've always been far from home. I guess someday I should try be more nearer to home.
*Beepp beep
Max: I'll leave your things at your door this evening.
Me: I'll get it myself at your house if you're free this evening.
Max: Sure. I'll be here at 5.
This is the only time i actually text him back. I want to make peace even if i have too. I need to let go. I've been avoiding people, any party, any social events. I avoid talking to people besides for work.
I know it was the most boring month ever.
*Ringtone*
Me: Hello
Alex: I heard what happened. You want to talk about it?
Me: There's nothing to talk about. Did he sent you?
Alex: Not exactly, I mean he told me you guys broke up.
Me: Tell him im doing fine without him. I dont need any pity party.
Alex: He is not with me....right now. I do worry about you okay.
Me: Alex, im doing well okay. Thank you for your concern, bye.
Max and me did fought sometime but we never been in any situation where it was difficult up till we break up. We almost been on break but we still managed to be together. He never give up on me even when time gets tough. When he suddenly broke up with me because im putting my career over him is...unfair. I've always been supportive of his career. He thinks being with me is hard, how about me being with him? Coping with his ego. Being the one who always apologize first even when the fault is not mine. Being the one who always try to make up with him first. Im done with that bull. Im done being put aside because i want to continue study.
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5pm at Max's house
*Ting Tong
Max: Come in.
I walked in without looking at him. I start packing my things. I came across.... a frame of us being together. We looked happy and very in love. It was the first holiday we went. I paused at that frame .... Stare at it so hard. I just cant made up my mind why we throw everything away just like that. Why is it so easy.....
Max: You can keep that .... if you want too.
OMG this guy. Who is he? I dont know him anymore! He was the one who putted the picture there and insisted for it to stay there even when i wanted to put a new picture. Instead of putting it in my box, i just threw it in the bin right in front of him.
Me: I think i got everything i need. If you see anything else that is mine, you can just throw it away.
Then i casually walked out and into my car. Holding my anger face. Being angry is just easier.
As soon as i started drive off, tears streaming on my cheeks. I've lost it. All the emotions i had suppressed for a month just EXPLODED! I can't hold in any longer. I'm kinda surprise he looked very casual and very calm. All my things are right where i left it. The picture was still there. Even my toothbrush was right beside his. You see a life you spent for the last 3 years in someone else's life fitted in a box. How can that makes you feel nothing. I blast all break up songs i had even known and drove around for a couple of hour until i decided to go home and order some delivery.
As i reached home, i saw Alex standing on front door. Of course he saw my mascara smug on my cheeks.
Me: What are you doing here?
Alex: I was in the neighborhood. I thought I should see how ....you're coping...
Me: ...you can go home...
Alex: Food? *he had some takeaway with him. Looks like pizza.
Me: Get in.... its because of the food.
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We eat in silence for the first half an hour.
A: How was work?
M: Ok i guess.
A: Me too.
M: ...
A: I know its non of my business but..
M: Yes its non of your business. Of course you will back your 'mate' up. Typical.
A: Max is stupid to let you go. He should never hurt you like this. You deserve better.
M: I've heard that line for thousands of times whenever i told my friends about my break up. "You deserve better." Who is better? Where can i find this 'better' guy? Does he even exist? Why should i seek for him? All the men i seek broke my heart like a broken promise so casually cruelty.
A: What if, that 'better' man is right in front of you?
M: You? Alex.... No.... I cant.... I'm dealing with a lot right now, i don't need another drama. I just broke up with your best friend for fuck sake.
A: And Max is stupid for dumping you! Hey.. I dont need you to decide right now, all i ask is a chance. If it's not now then i'll wait.
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I have always known Alex as the sweet friend. Yes he cares about me but nothing shows anything more than just a friend. When i first got together with Max, he encourage me. This is just to much for a night. I need a break from all of these...
*beep beep
Max: I miss you. I made a huge mistake. I'm sorry. Please...
I did not asked for more headache.
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