They said, be strong and let know the person you love about how much you love him. Or be strong to look someone you love being love by someone else. Something like that. For me, i am ready to do both. To let him know. To let him love the person he love and see him being love by someone else.

I am strong. I can do both. Tonight, or is not in my dictionary.

Assalamualaykum, Alhamdulillah

Its been awhile since any last word from me. I miss writing stuff going on. I had been keeping myself busy to stay occupied. I was not sad, surprisingly. Yeah that 'never' care stuff really keep me away from him. I am kinda glad it happen.

I remember the last time i said how much i hope i will never want to let him go or what ever. Like watching him walk in the alley with his white tuxedo or whatever to marry a girl who is not me might be my nightmare but it turns out now, it will not be anything. Maybe i care because he used to be his friend but maybe i will not care because i will remember why we never contact after all, it is because he pushed me away because i care so much about him.

It was kinda heart broken because i was standing there to be supportive and be a friend that never turn him away. Will stay beside him no matter what happen. Even watching him hitting the wrong girl. Then after the don't have to care stuff, i guess it was my silliest mistake to actually care about him for real.

Maybe all the last ex's and the bitches are the reason he become like this now. I know that i have no rights to call his what so ever past girls as bitches or anything bad. Allah create human with weakness. I get that but my weakness is calling people stuff. I called them stuff because they never realize how bullshit they are acting for them to actually realize it and change.

Don't give me excuse like i don't deserve because you are too nice and bla bla. People, open your eyes! Why do you think those horrible words even exist in the first place if it to make people realize how wrong they are acting. I know that i may be a horrible person but i just want people to realize stuff that they are blind about. I also may be blind about myself that's why i need those words from a person called as friend to say it to me to make me realize how horrible i am.

I know that watching 2 broke girls and the carrie diaries may makes my head kinda full of rubbish about grown up stuff but it also makes me realize stuff. It is move on. Let the past be gone. Don't be a pussy to walk away.

It is terrible to actually said all the words but it is the best way to make them realize.

He never realize about how some people actually care about him more than his girlfriends. Why they are actually try the best to be a good friend. Trying to be honest in the same time not hurting him. How they actually hope you realize how they care about him and only hope an apology for saying some harsh stuff to them. How much they had always be the first one to give up. How much the person appreciate every moment of friendship that they used to have but in the end he is the one seems to be so easy to throw away from that person. He maybe throw away his trust because of all the bitches and what he had gone through but why must the trust that he used to have for that person. I just don't understand. Am i being too sister about him?

Or if he sees this and will said how much he is just an ordinary person and always makes mistake or he cannot minds or he never realize all about it. Man, i thought he is an expert about girls and all the obvious things still not obvious? Or i am just being pathetic hoping him to read or realize.

Sometime i kinda blame the fate but i remind myself about Allah plans the best for me. Every moment and second are for the best. Never blame fate. Nauzubillah.

Sometime i hope he realize how hard it was for me and maybe his words will never change anything but at least it makes me feel better. I know someone who i never meet for real is actually supporting me. It makes me feel bless that Allah send me someone to makes me feel better and remind me about how holy Allah is. I thought that was what friends means. To remind you about Allah. I guess, i just don't find the right person. I guess i am as stupid as him. Putting to much hope on the wrong person. Why we did that? Because we never know who is the right on and who is the wrong one. That is how life gets tricky and complicated.

I am not here to cry or nag about how things never work out for me. I am here to tell about what i had been through.

I am always the third wheel. The third person. In most of my friends life who is a boy.

I guess this is the punishment for some mistake that i had done on earth. I am lucky it is something from earth. Allah wants me to be strong for something more complicated in the future that will involve guy. Alhamdulillah ... I can bare it man! I am strong. How to know I am strong? I just have to be strong.

I am sick of people taking me for granted. People takes me like i am actually no one. Not a quality friend or i am just a girl next door that you want to find after your fight with your girlfriend or what ever. I appreciate everything that i receive. I appreciate all the cares and the thoughts. Maybe you may not know about it, but i do. I am just too lazy to make you realize.

I am kinda spoil after all the shit friendship. I become someone who never want to fight for a boy. Maybe i will if he fight for me in the first place. But, let just face it, it is impossible. I am just too sick for any love or whatever. I am too cool to be wasted with all the bullshits that you said as love or whatever.

I kinda was an innocent chick who puts too much hope in useless friendship that she hold for about 3 years. But now, who cares. If he can throw me away that easy, why can't i.

I am the one start everything. After a fight and another one, i am the one start it again hoping it will last longer. Put faith on things that i never have any guarantee. After months of silent, i still put the faiths on. Now, i just regret it all.

Why he never makes me realize how stupid i am for trying to be his friend while he regret the first moment he knew me. Sorry for wasting your time for all the texts and waste of your money for replying them. Wasting of time.

I had nagged about you most of the time. Maybe this is the full stop of everything.

Assalamulaykum,, Alhamdulillah

I know how it feel to be push away. I know how hard it is to live while no one understand you. I know that i am not a good motivator as you are. I know that sometime i over react. I know that you never want to share. I also realize how much shits i had that i don't have to bother so much about you and take a good care of myself.

What you said to me, kinda make me feel like you want to push me away. I am sorry because i asked about your problems. I thought that as friend, we suppose to share our sadness and happiness. Always be loyal to our friendship. Trust.

Maybe, i am the one looking too far about what friendship means. Maybe its a sin to care about you. Yeah i admit sometime i thought of you an forgot about Allah. But that doesn't mean you are always on my mind. Or i am the one always forgot Allah.

As human, yeah, i do forget Allah because i am too distract about world stuff. No one is prefect. But if that the excuse you use to get rid of me, its working. Allah's name is too precious for me to ignore. I am sorry about it.

I know that you never care so much about me. I know that you are just a friend like my other friend. For a second, a thought that you are different. Maybe you already forgot about how we used to be. At the first moment of our friendship. How much we share. How mush i felt that actually you had my back.

Even i told you i had your back but your egos push me aside. I think you just take me just like other friends now. Hurm, i don't know if i said anything wrong but this is what i feel. I am sorry to bother so much about your life. Is that annoying to you? Well, you should just tell me that i should back off. I will. Don't worry.

I was right about leaving you in the first place. I tried to be a good friend but, you never trust me. I don't know what to do now.

You used to be nice. Entah la, aku pun dah x tau la nak buat apa lagi. Aku x tahu apa yang aku buat sampai kau cakap kat aku camtu. At first i was offended but after awhile, i think you just dont need me. You like to be alone. You like boys as friend not some girls that never understand like me. Maybe i am not even in your level as your friend. Maybe i am the one that never understand you because you never want me to understand you. You tell me about you but i never know what is about the inner you. Mentally. You never let me enter. Is it too much? Oh, i am sorry. Maybe i am being too much. forgive me.

Allah is the only one prefect. I am not a God to know what is my own boundaries about knowing you. I am sorry.

I just don't know. You .... Maybe you are right, this friendship maybe a mistake. I shouldn't say hey in the first place. The whole 3 years are just a waste. I am the one wasting my time, my soul and wasting your time.

I like being your friend but i feel useless. Like i am no one to you. I am just some girl in the big group of cheerleaders. Telling you to move one and bla bla. But you actually never listen to any of my voice. My screams. My cheers. For your, everyone's word is just the same.

Know what, even if got missing or walk away. You just never realize. If you do, you don't even care. Or if you do care, you will think how much you don't deserve my care and you're the one burdening me.

Everything is bullshit! I am tired of all the dramas. Spare it for other person that you care. You don't have to care about me. You don't even let me care about you. Why are we even friends? Are we actually friend?

I pray to Allah to always show me the right path. Not just for me, for all the people i care. Is it a sin for me to even care about you?

If you think you need me, i will be there. If not, let me know. So i could get over you and move on. Am i being cruel? Maybe? I am just telling you what you told me to do.

Adios~ Assalamualaykum

Assalamualaykum and Alhamdulillah

Yesterday i got my PMR result, Alhamdulillah i got straight A's. I am really thankful for that and i am happy for all of my friends that got the same result as i am.

But in my heart, actually, i don't feel anything much. Maybe emptiness. Or being frustrated because i work really, really hard not like some of my leisure friends but end up we got the same result. I kinda feel, unfair. How bad am i being like this? So bad right? I am someone who hope for them to get worst result. Well, i am sorry for my bad thoughts. I am so so sorry about it. After telling this i feel more calm because i cannot hide it anymore.

I will work extra for my SPM. I want to gain what i work for. I can know how hard i work because they are pluses and minuses. If this examination, we all got the same alphabets without knowing which is better right? So, i am going to prove it. I want to gain straight A pluses.

My dad always aim that i got a great results and go study oversea. He actually want me to participate in medic and business.He want me to be a pharmacy.

I hate it when people plan things for me or whatever. It makes me stress. It makes me feel like i am being push. I cannot study in that situation. I want to be support. To feel the love. So that i can study calmly. Is that so much to ask?

Yeah i need an aim. But, can you at least tell me to be something that i want to. Something that you think is the best for your youngest daughter to have a better future. I love you dad.

I want to travel. I thought about being a professional photographer. But i know that my dad will object that. So, maybe being a scientist and gain lot of money. In the same time i will get the opportunity to travel. Then i think back, will i get the time to travel? Is there that kinda scientist? What scientist i want to be? Science is too wide!

Maybe i dad i right about being a businesswoman. But what i want to sell? Will i be able to risk everything? Am i that bold?

Maybe i should just study hard and be a lady. Marry a businessman then use his money to travel a lot. Pfft, am i that cheap? Where goes my ambitious spirit? Am i born to inspire by doing things with my own hand or by staying at home and try my best to rise my kids. Can i give birth?

Future is too scary to think. What will happen next.

We can only pray for the best. Let fate do the rest. Allah had planned the best.

Assalamualaykum, Alhamdulillah..

Am I someone who always ruin everything? I am such a worst friend? Why I always want more than what i already have? Boyyah?

I am always in the mess. I just so touched that you actually think of me. But, you are actually disappointed about me. Sometime I hope you just shout at me and get mad rather than ... be disappointed.

*speechless*

I feel damn bad for making you .... like that. Maybe you are right, i shouldn't be so friendly in the first place.

But i don't blame the fate. Allah always give the best, remember?

I am happy that i actually met you. Had been your classmate. Saw your eagle eyes. Spent time text you. Read all you quote. I actually watching you growing up. From a little boy to a mature man. To experience all this mess. Because it actually teach me to grow up. Maybe i can be more damn careful next time.

Fall for the guy.

Be a better friend.

Be more honest.

Never be an actor.

Less care.

Be more selfish.

Work harder.

Participate in more curriculum activities. Maybe not.

Hide your sadness.

Be more careful.

Grow up!

Maybe there are so much that i learn and so much i want to experience. If all this thing happen for my good, Alhamdulillah. Allah loves me. He wants me to be in the right path.

#np #RogerRabbit #SleepingWithSiren

Assalamualaykum~ Alhamdulillah we had the opportunity to meet again. Praise Allah for His Kindness.

How and why I want to talk about be thankful, because I saw people with diseases and some inspirational quote about appreciate life.

We were given a prefect body and we can see, hear and eat well. We can use each of our muscle to do anything we want. We are lucky to have a family and someone that always care about us and take care of our welfare. Lucky to still breath and eat healthy food, nice food not rotten food. Still have anything to eat anytime. We don't have to work part-time jobs to raise our family and have to depend on people's sympathy.

Look at people who don't have hopes to live. Children who had HIV's, stage 4 cancer patient's and people who already know that they cannot survive more than a year. People who is hoping for organs donation. Some of them give up live. Some of them live every second with pain. Some of them have no one to look after them. Unfortunate people.



If you feel like giving up, look at handicapped people. How they still survive without an arm or both arm or without a leg or both leg or without arms and legs. But they still want to live. They still participate in live. Try to be happy. Make others people happy. Never complain about fate because they know nothing can change. Maybe they can still walk but not like how they used to walk. Maybe they have a new leg but not a blood and flesh leg, insert of that, they got plastic leg but do you ever see how they kneel down with tears running out saying thankful to God, thankful to the doctors and to the people that supported them. Some of them even became a famous person. Stephen Hawks. Beethoven actually someone deaf and end up to be blind then he died with full of honor. Can you imagine how superb he was because he create wonderful music that he even cannot hear.



Some of them cannot walk but they still race. They joined the olympics. They create history. They make us realize about hardworking, passion and being strong!



Its easy to say, move on. Be strong. Be patient. Always pray to God. Bla .. bla .. But do you ever realize how hard it is. It is kind of you to give advises and show your support but insert of talking, how about you give that particular person a hug, a smile or cry with them. Express your support rather than tell them about your support. Physical touch can give mental changes. Let them feel your support rather than hearing about your support.

I know my points are all over the place. What i am trying to say,
- we should be thankful that we can effort to live a comfortable life. We maybe not in a rich family or anything but we still can buy stuff and have a great life. We don't have to be rich, sometime being rich cost more. Imagine, your parents will spend more time to earn more rather than spend time with you. Time or money is more precious? So, sometime rich is not something nice. Maybe we can buy anything we want but sometime that 'anything' makes us forget and start to be greedy over something cheap or we start to compare standard. I know most people watch dramas right? Especially Malay and Korean dramas, they like to tell about rich people and the poor one. Forbidden love and whatever. Pfft, sorry for being too far from the road.

-feel lucky that er have a prefect body and we can go on our daily routine without anyone's help. We can move around and walk where ever we want without any help. Can see and listen well. We must never waste all of that gifts. Allah gave it for you to do good things. Its actually not even yours, we are only borrowing it from Allah. Nothing is ours. So, benefits it. Allah gave a great body for you to keep only for your husband not to expose it and let others enjoy it. I admit sometime i forgot about it. I was too distract about fashion that makes me kinda expose some parts. We better change but not drastically, slowly. It takes time but believe me, it worth every second of your life if you spend it to change into a better person.

-take care of your health. Look at sick people. If you ever fell unlucky, google up the image of critical patients. Take some motivation and inspiration. Sometime, we are just too naive to look around for awhile and remember how lucky we are. There are many less fortunate people who beg and pray everyday to be someone like us. Being naive is something usual, waking up from it is call motivation, staying asleep in it is call never enough. Because you never feel anything is enough. Just just want more and more.

Do you ever realize how waste we are. I am also motivating myself. Nobody is prefect. There is always a room for reflection. Always think before act. Realize from mistakes. Life is too short to waste. We don't live twice, we live once. Appreciate life. Live it and love it. Remind others. Be someone good. Change to be better.

I hope i get to inspire you guys. Insha Allah together we change along the right path. Having up and downs in live is teaching us to grow up and be more independent and mature. Insha Allah. Wallahualam.

Assalamualykum~ So, last night he sent me a text saying he was going. And he asked for any last word. To be honest, i am so damn superb happy to receive a message from him that night. Then, the puzzles started to join together. Kinda makes sense. I mean, after i wrote about my camp and a little misunderstand in Twitter, he never reply a single of my text. Maybe he actually read my blog. Well, i don't know the truth but, why didn't he replied any of my text. At least he would tell me in Twitter or anything.

After last night, i cried like waterfall. Now i don't feel so hurt. I mean, i am fine now. Maybe i am acting fine but still, i am fine. I thought that, before this i can handle it so maybe now, i can handle it too. Is not like he is the one holding my heart or something.

Yeah, i cannot lie that i miss him a lot. I really want to know everything going on about his vacation and stuff. But, its hard. Being beside him was one of the best thing that happen to me but, i will start to fell selfish and hope for more.

I am too coward to admit that i still have feelings towards him and what so and ever, that's why leaving him without or with him knowing is the best. I can't be selfish anymore. It will end up he being mad at me or i will be so heart broken. Or both. I am just too fragile.

But i decided to keep things low. Chill up. Act cool. Like nothing happen between us. We are friends but, erm.. well, to be honest, maybe friend in fb n tw. I think . I am not sure. I just can't figure it out.

I think i am the most coward girl when it's all about boys. Man. It was created by Allah to be the leader in this earth. To be a guider of his wife. Patient. That's all i can think of now. They were create for woman and woman were create for man.

Only love someone because of Allah is the most beautiful thing. But, my love to him that links to Allah, i cannot think about it. Except being loyal. Being myself. Having someone that i care for so long that will forever support me. I wish that he would guide me someday. I wish all the impossible things. To far from now. I cannot imagine myself receiving his marriage card. I just can't imagine it now.

Acting? I will act that i am fine with my friends. I will act like nothing happen. I will act like i don't have any feelings nor i care about him. I will act like ... whatever it can takes to forget him.

I am being pathetic. I am being hopeless. I always pray to Allah to give me strength. Give me new hopes. Lock my heart until the right time. To be a good actor. To put this stuff aside and focus in studies. Never forget to tell and cry to Him. Remind myself about Him.

The beauty of this, i can grow stronger. I can handle heavier stuff. I can be more independent like him.

I used to understand him so much before this but now, i can't even read him much. He is really good in hiding anything that hurts him. I want to be like him. Someone strong inside and outside.

Sometime i wonder, in spite all the guys i know, why him? Cause he is my first best friend who is a boy. The first person makes me feel like this. even he is not my first boyfriend nor my first crush but he is my first love. Someone that i never regret saying that i love him. Well, actually, i think i never reply his ILY... I know he loved me as friend but, when i say love, i mean it.

Every piece of my heart worth. Cause without him, i maybe not strong and never learn to be strong. I know Allah plan it just prefect to me.

Nico, if you are really reading this, i just hope you told me that you actually read my blog. I am touched. I am sorry because it have to end up like this and it is like drama all along. Thanks for everything. i love you. I am gonna miss you. If we are suppose to be together, we will. I am sorry for everything. Thanks for being my first love. At least now i kinda understand love towards a guy more clearly than before.

Thanks for reading~ Sorry for my drama. Assalamualaykum

Marry is not a small deal because when you step into marrying someone means you have a bigger responsible and your are actually not just marrying the guy but also the family. It took awhile to convince my family to accept Peter.. Peter's family, well, they were actually happy about me being his future wife.

Maybe .... his sister .... not really ... like me.

The first time i stepped in his house was after high school. By that time, his mum was home with his brother. He never talked much about his family before so everything was a surprise. We talked and his mum said about religion and stuff like that, i keep cool and answer what ever she asked. His brother was about 3 to 4 years older than Peter. His name was Jake. I couldn't lie that they looked alike and had the same type of cute face. All the time i reminded myself that Peter was just beside me and i can't stare at his brother.

Then his sister walked down the stairs and joined us. I smiled at her but she glaze at me with a who-are-you-and-what-you-are-doing-in-my-house eyes. I looked down...
'mum! who is this girl? a saleswoman?'
'no, its your brother's girlfriend. come here. you should join us.'
'uh..fine.'

And she asked me about private stuff and grown up stuff.. like,
'so, you're the one making Peter to convert Islam.'
'so, have you had sex before?'
'what! u are still a virgin. Peter have bad taste.'
'what your parents work.'
'do you have ambition'
'you don't have fashion taste like your mum i guess. where do you buy all that .. urgh ...'

I answered every question she asked patiently...

The second time going to his house was for dinner celebrating our success that both of you entered university. That time, things got more worst. But at least his dad was nicer. But his sister, yeah her name was Donna, was my nightmare. She set a trap for me. She put something in my food and i got stomach ache for a week! *sigh*

But we managed to get along now. She is like my sister! How it happen?

One day, i got semester break for summer so i went back home. As i was walking around town the next day, i saw someone was having trouble with her car. I came to help and, it was Donna. She said that the engine cannot start and the mechanic was far away. I stepped in. I managed to fix the car. Its actually not a big deal because only one plug or something was un-plug. Donna was to afraid to get her hand on dirt and she was wearing a sun glasses to check her car. And she need to put some engine oil. She was amazed that i helped her. For me, it was actually nothing. Anyone could fix it actually.

I am done about Peter's family. Now, Peter was having a hard time to gain my family's heart. My parents were fine but not my siblings. I am the youngest so ..er .. you know how protective they can be when it come to me.

My brother already started working in London and he was still single, looking at me with a boyfriend in that young age, really tear him apart. He keep on telling me how bad a guy can be and how hurt will it be if we break up and keep on nagging me on and on about all of that such things. Until i got sick!

My sister? As she completed her studies and ALSO worked in London. Oh my .... luckily she already had a boyfriend. She is kinda cool with Peter. I am glad.

After years of our relationship, Peter came to my house without my knowledge and he actually asked my dad about proposing me. He asked the proper ways and stuff like that. I was surprise. So as my dad, he called me and we talked about it. I kinda had a tiny bit of fight with Peter.
"What are you thinking?"
"I just want our relationship to go to the next level. I am ready to be your husband."
"Marry is not something easy and you can play with. What about me? Do you think i am ready?"
"Er..at least we engaged. Its not a big deal right?"
"I need time to think about it. I do want to engaged but don't think we are too young for this kinda stuff. We are study and you still don't have job yet."
"Hurm, fair enough. *sigh*"
"Peter, you are mine and i am yours. We had done so many promises and if you want to get marry and stuff, learn more things about Islam. I want you to guide me.Marry is not just about being a husband but also being the leader of a family. Consider what i say. Meet someone who is more expert about this stuff then we talk and decide. Can you do that?"
"I can do that. Hey, don't call me Peter anymore remember, call me Hakeem. I am sorry for rushing things."
"No, its ok. I got to go. Assalamualaykum."
"Waalaykumusalam."

Yupe, that was after 2 years of studying. As we graduate and start to work. He did it again. I mean, he rush things but this time, we got engaged for real. My brother seems, not really pleasant but he agreed because it had been about 5 years of relationship, maybe 4. This time maybe because he also already got engaged and will marry soon. Really soon. My sister? She already got married during my final semester. She was pregnant during my brother's engagement ceremony and during mine, she already had a healthy baby boy.

Hakeem and my brother get along AT LAST. How it happen? Promises. He met my brother personally at his office. It think it was a month after our engagement. He told me the story, but i didn't believe 100%. The way he said:
"Let's talk man to man."
"Go on."
"I will be your sister's husband by next year and i hope you will bless our relationship. Our marriage."
"How can i believe that you can make my sister happy and will never let her go?"
"Can you see how long our relationship still fine until now after about 5 years. And where it end up now. Is that not enough?"
"For me, no. Well, you said that you are a man so, let play bowling. Who wins is the real man! If you win, i bless your marriage and will sponsor half of the budget."
"let's go."

But i think these how it was:
"Can we talk?"
"Go on."
"Hurm, can we play bowling, as one whole big family."
"It seems cool and i do love bowling."
"That's great!"

Because i know my brother as someone relax and Hakeem as someone childish. Its so impossible for them to have such a serious conversation about me. And one more, Hakeem laughed as he finished told me about it. =_=

My brother was an accounted. My sister was a doctor but she already move to another hospital because she followed her husband. I worked as a Biologist while Hakeem was an engineer. My dad never want to quit his job even he was already old. My mum already stop designing but people still called her to many shows. Now she write.

Hakeem's mum was a housewife. His sister was a fashion designer and she knew my mum. His dad was someone important in one big company. And his brother work with his dad.

Most of the wedding stuff, my mum handle it because i was busy with my studies. I continue taking Master.

Larry and Nyna already got married as they completed their studies. Maybe because Larry was going to move to Russia for his job so they decided to get married early. I was happy about them. But they already promised to come to my wedding.

Well, conflicts still happen. Hakeem got mad about me choosing pink as theme. We argued about it. At last my mum mixed red with white as our theme colour. I just agreed because she was the one in charge about everything. Hakeem got mad because i seldom helped my mum. These time, i told his sister and she promised to help my mum. His mum also gave a hand.

Sometime he said about how jealous whenever he saw me with my friends or my coworker. Any guy that stand near me, not a family member and someone he knew, and he saw it. That night he called me and said:
"Who are you marrying?"
"Er, you. So?"
"Why are you so close with other guy?"
*slam my head*

Seriously! One day, i burst out! I told him, if we really want to go on with this wedding he must be less jealous and stop giving me stress and i need to focus about my studies. That really shut him up. But he will do the who-are-you-going-to-marry eyes whenever he saw me with other guys. =_=

Everything when well.. Our wedding was not a nightmare. Everything was so beautiful. I wore red dress. He wore red tuxedo. Every cousin from Malaysia and UK came.

Yeah, i forgot to tell the last shocking story. We went to Malaysia. My family and Hakeem's family to meet my grandma's and my cousins. It was fun but also tragic for Hakeem.

He thought that Sambal Belacan was like cheese cause i said, in UK its like cheese but it had red colour. He was happy because he missed UK's cook so he took a lot of it at ate it. I was about to warn him but its too late. Yaiks.

My family seems to like them. I think, UK people can mix with Asian people right.

Thats how the story ends.

Note from writer:
Hey! Assalamualaykum~ I hope you guys enjoy. Thanks for reading until the last one. I am sorry that i did not describe much about the wedding and maybe i had left some things behind. Over all, i am still someone learning so i hope, one day i will create a better story. Thats for reading.

Assalamualaykum~

I was about to continue the drama but i need more time to plan the story so i hope you guys patiently wait for it.

So, tonight, falling in love.



They say, falling i love is hard, i say, falling in love depends on that person. its his or her choice to take it as love or whatever. Even you are a Moslem or not, feeling exist and you can feel. You will fall in love sooner or later.

Me? I fall in love easily. As easy as i get hurt. I am a girl. I might not be feminine nor girlish but i am sensitive. I get hurt so easy but its so hard to forget. Every wound in my heart, even i had tape it and glue it or sew it, but it will still open and crash me like before.

I am a Moslem girl and i am not shame about all the mistakes that i had done. Having wrong friends and falling in love with the wrong person. I learn from my mistakes but sometime i do the same mistakes more then twice. Why? Because i am a human being.

Love cannot be force and cannot be seen. Love cannot be weight nor be length. Love is complicated and so much more. Love. A word full of meaning. A word describe everything.



Before this i said about how i am confuse and stuff. Now i had one big decision that took me a while to decide. I am backing of from my first and really deep love. I had cried about this thing for a while. Its not easy when the memories are too sweet to remember and too hurts too remember.

Being with someone who never realize how important he is to you, how he never realize hoe deep your love just for you, how much you admire him and how you promise to yourself that you will wait. I am done waiting. I am done doing things about it. The sweet memory will not appear again.

I had decided when to start putting it as a full stop.

He will fly to Hong Kong and have a vacation with his family. Maybe the last day he stand here in Malaysia will be the last day he stand in my heart. Its not easy to do it but i think i can do it.

How to make it permanent? He had this post in his blog about the last time we had this huge fight, after about 2 years, that post still remain. Maybe that is a good thing for me to put it as a reminder how burden i am to him and how he actually don't need me.

I love him so much. It is hard to hear me admit such a thing beside my love to Allah and Rasulullah and my family. I care about him so much until i think caring about him and make me slip away. I never want to slip away from Allah and Rasulullah.

I have faith to Allah. i want to move on and leave everything back. I am tired being the person that he never see. That he never miss. That he will never love. If i suddenly disappear, he will never notice. That is fine for me. And i think it will be fine for him. He and I are like character from novel. I want the novel to have an ending and i think let me be the one create a beautiful ending.

If being with him is my future, so let the future show me. I will wait for the future to wait. If i am suppose to be with him, one day he will realize and Allah will get us back together.

I just hope, maybe after years without him, the first thing i get is his wedding card. But that is the fate, let it be because i am sure Allah already plan the best for me.

Thank you for being such a good friend. Having a piece of you is already enough for me to always remember you. I hope you will always remember me. I hope one day you will realize how deep my love and how i just wish, the girl you are looking for is me. How i pray you have a happy ending with your soul mate.

I am sorry foe being so bossy and being such a bad friend. For always stalk you and hope you miss me. For have to let you go for my own good. For getting away. Running far away.

Will i regret? I think, i will regret but if that is for the best, my regret will not be a great waste.

I will always perish all the moments. The first time we met. How i used to be your classmate. Your morning quotes. Your smile. Your texts. You voice. Your face. The time you RT my tweet. The moment you realize how caring and unpredictable i am. Everything. I am touched and i will never forget. It looks like its the end and i hope you understand.

I hope after this. You will miss me someday. Once is enough then never. I love you but i can't wait anymore. It hurts me more.

Love cannot be force so i never want to force you to love me. I just want you to be happy with the person you love.

After this, no more my mumbling. No more my texts. No more thinking about me. Just you and your business.

My last confession. I hate it when i have to say goodbye and you never realize that its a goodbye. I hate that you always meet the wrong girl and fall in love with them. I hate that you never care about me, if you did, i am sorry but i never feel like you care. I hate it when you never want to share. I hate it when i know that i am just your other friend and i mean nothing much to you. I hate it when you are the most prefect guy i've ever met.

Being with you is a dream come true, going away is like going back to the old nightmare.

I can't let history repeat twice. One day i over react and you get shock and leave me like you did before. I can't go through that again.

Just thanks and bye. Assalamualaykum.

Nico and I were friends since i can remember. We go through most of things together. Kindergarten, primary and high school. We share something that no one will understand, letters. Why people never understand? It started since he had to move away because he got accepted into Cambridge University. We always give letters to each other even phones already exist and computer with internet also exist.

I said about the special things about letters to him. It will makes us excited as we get it. It will make us keep every single letter we get. We will appreciate the beauty of writing. Hahaha Both of us were like the freak in school. We even sent letters to each other during primary and high school. I think, that makes us closer.

As time passed, I changed. But, Nico never change.

I got accepted into one of the university in New York. Distance keep us apart. After awhile, i met someone new. Without realizing it, i felt for that person. I stopped replying any letters from Nico.

But Nico never gave up and keep on send me new letters telling about England and stuff like that. I stopped bother and i stopped read all the letters. I only read the letters went i had fight with that 'new' person and i only write the reply but never sent it.

As time passed, i was engaged and my mum said that Nico already graduated and Nico really looking forward about meeting me after all these years.

By that time, i just thought about how lame Nico is being because after all the years i never reply the letters but Nico never give up. How sad Nico's live. Maybe i am Nico's only friend.

One day, as I was having lunch with my fiance, I met Nico. Nico was so happy to see me but i wasn't. I pushed Nico aside and acted like i didn't knew Nico. Nico never changed the dressing style. I was so ashamed to have someone like Nico near me.

That was the last time i saw Nico .... Before my wedding, i got a letter from Nico. But i never read it.

Until today .... as i was packing my old stuff because i was going to move out from my house to travel with my husband. I found his letter. The last letter. I opened it. He sent me with a magnet written, 'BFF' and a keychain. Also with a mirror.

Dear Nicole,

Our names will never keep us apart from this friendship. Do you remember the old days? I never forget it. Its the only moment we had as the freak genius in school. I am sorry about the other day. Maybe i should change my dressing code before meeting you. I don't know that you had change your style. You look superb and so stunning that time. Your fiance also handsome which suits both of you guys.

I am sorry it took a long time to actually send a letter to you. Actually i had something to tell you. I had cancer. Just a minor cancer in lungs. Both of my lungs were effected. You don't have to worry about me because i never want to make you sad. I am fine because the medicine is working. Maybe i will get better after one or two surgeries.

I gave you the magnet, as a symbol of your relationship. The keychain, i want you to have a piece of me everywhere you go. At least I can always be with you.. The mirror, because i want you to appreciate the beauty you have. When ever you see anyone as gig as i am still, just look at the mirror before you mock or anything. I want you to remember who you are.

I will have the surgeries in next week. If they fail, i can die... I heard your wedding is just around the corner. I always want you to be happy. Congratulation.

Remember how we used to plan our wedding during kindergarten? Hurm, sweet memories. If i die, never let our memories fade into my grave too. I never want to see you cry at my grave. Always come with a smile and tell me about your day. I love you and always will.

Your true friend,
Nico

Yeah i cry. I dial home and, my mum said he just passed away yesterday. The last surgeries work out but it attack him back after some years. Mum said he never get marry or even have any girlfriend. He had a great job as a creative novel writer. He always came home asking about my updates.

I cry .... i felt stupid!

All the old memories come into my head. I remember how we use to laugh, our jokes, our secrets and our friendship vows.

I used to wear big glasses with grandma clothes. But my roommates make over me in university.

I seldom came home nor called home.

*after some weeks*

I go back home and visits his grave. I bring along every letters that i never sent. With his favorite flowers, sunflowers.
I sit beside the stone name and started to talk..

I am such an idiot to leave you alone. I never realize and I am just to blind to see how big your love is. As i knew about it, i can see how i don't deserve to be your friend. I am sorry for being such a terrible friend. I don't know what to say. I love you too but its too late for me to even say it. BTW, i am pregnant my second child and its a boy... (started to cry) I am happy with my family but now only i realize how dark it was without you. I hope you forgive me from the heaven above..

I prayed to God then went back home.

I found his novels. Most of the stories was about friendship and love. And every novel he wrote, i am one of the person he dedicated to.

Since that, i always teach my children about how precious a friend can be. I gave my second child's name as Nico. And i still kept his gifts.

I am living a happy life but there is a dark side in me. Its a memorial place of Nico.

Assalamualaykum.. I am so sorry for no updates lately. I was busy with my report and stuffs. I just got back from Easy Addmath camp. For people who age 16 which will turn to 17 next year. People, they never notice that i am not actually their age. I am younger! Yet nobody realize. Alhamdulillah things went well... I got great expose about that subject. Clear version, dad. Yupe, my dad force to go. I'm like, my friends are not going, only one going but he is a boy. my dad like, you should go cause i am sick looking at you only sitting inside your room with the computer on. So, i agreed and went there to study. It was great, actually. I am lucky to be part of it.

Other story, I ... met ,my friend. The only friend that i had mention just now. I mean, the only one that went there. We were the only 15 people. You know what i mean. So, I saw him in the first day, most of the time. He looks like a chinese boy with glasses and tall with baby face. His face does not look friendly and he also has the kind of eagle eyes. We called it as, 'sepet'. LOL But we didn't talked. He saw me but never smile. Today, the last day, we met at the end of the last slot. I mean, as everyone was allowed to go back. He was looking for me without glasses and it turned out, i am the one waiting for him to realize that i was tailing him. =_= As he realize, we exchange gift, he said thanks and i said, bye. I was nerves. It had been 3 years since the last time we met. I'm like, urgh, it turns out not as i expected. But, i look at the bright side, maybe his parents already arrived and he really had to go. Yeah, whatever.

I don't know about him but what i am sure is about me thinking about him. I just don't know why i am so damn caring about him. Like, i want to always know everything about him. Most of the things he said to me, i never forget. He tread me like a friend but my heart hopes for more but i know the 'more' thing is impossible. I have some questions to him which i am too scared to ask. Why he did this everything to me? He ever lied to me before? He ever thought of me? He ever care about me? But, it seems wrong to ask and i never want things to be too obvious about me thinking of him. Everything seems wrong as i started to like somebody else. I just don't understand. It really makes me wonder about faith. I mean, people used to say, have faith. I understand that Allah planned everything for the best. But as a normal and full of sin human being and Allah's slave, i always wonder and have lots of questions.

Before we broke our friendship, i tried to like Mr B but things turns out darkly. I missed him so much! But i know that he never bother about it. I cannot lie that i stalked him. He seems fine with everything. I don't know what he thought about it but physically, he looks fine. Which makes me wonder, am I that easy to be forget? Then, after about 3 months, i already forgot about most of the things about him, but someone who looks so alike him appeared and it takes my breath away. I felt like the nightmare appear again. I cried again about it. Such a silly girl. It took awhile to recover. Then, the PRS started to ask for any order for flyers. As i bought about 5, i remember him. Damn it... But i didn't know why but i sent one to him.

After awhile, some months, im not sure, we got back as friends. We started to be closer like before. He changed. Maybe, i changed. I never lied to him. Because of a lie, we fought and broke our friendship. I realize that he keep so much secrets with him. He seldom share but i never blame him about that. He is a boy and maybe he had face much more then what i had face before.

We keep in touch and i always wonder where this friendship will go. Is it like before or whatever that is not like before.

We talked about how long we had never met and stuff like that. I knew about he and his friend that had never met in 10 years time. I said, so you wanna wait until 7 years more? He said, no lah. We don't know what gonna happen and maybe we still friends or not. Stuff like that. Really makes me wonder about one thing.

What if we lost contact and after the years, i got his wedding invitation. Am i going to go or not? Am i ready to see him marry? By that time, am i still this hopeless? By that time, i felt like unfriend him and run away. Ask the doctors to take away my memory about him and stupid stuff. I pray to Allah about it.

I am hopeless about what i want and what future i want it to be about us. I am so confuse.

I am the one bother to ask so many things about him and his opinion. What i really remember, he said im kinda unpredictable. But actually he is the one unpredictable. He always act cool like he is happy but inside, i can't really read him like before.

We don't share so much like how we used too. I talk a lot as usual. We are more cool with each other. Before this, i remember how i always try my best to take care of his feelings. FYI, as we got closer back, i asked about why he still don't mind about me being his friend. I mean after everything. He said, i am caring. More caring then his girlfriend (ex). I was so confuse that time. Before he and that girl become gf and bf, i asked him about their relays but he said that they were just best friend. Then, i just found out that actually the couple earlier then i knew. I was kinda disappointed. Not because of their relay but i started to think that he lied to me. Or, did i miss any piece of the story?

It hurts remembering the past. Its scary to think about future. We think we are safe in presence but actually we are walking into future every second.

I realize how boys can be such a mess and stuffy. I give up in any opportunity about being in relationships and maybe friendship. I just feel weak and i am not fragile to move on. I am kinda trap in the past. Moving on, moving out from my comfort zone kinda, uncomfortable. It sucks but i let it be. I let the seconds go by and spend the time trying to face the future. We are leaving in reality. There is no such thing as waking up in the future and sleeping and dreaming about going back to the past.

If he ever read this, i think im gonna be dead by now. Appreciate people who do it to you. Friendship, just let it flow and wait and see about the future. Relationships? If you think you are wise enough to think about love, then go on. I am too stupid to think about being in relationship. The last time i tried, it sucks! The last time i was about to enter it again, it got worst. So, maybe Allah is asking me to back off and wait for the Mr Right Guy to come and just marry me.

Assalamualaykum~

So, i had told you about some shits that had happen. It appears that most people want ME to talk about it. What they imagine is, a little talk then shack hands and smile then walk to the sunlight. People, wake up! It hurts! You guys know about it but you don't feel how hurt it is. Its easy to say, forget it and forgive them or i know it hurts but i think its better for to give up first. Miss, I am the ONE know how hurt it is and no, i am not gonna be the one asking for forgiveness cause its not my fault.

But as i think about it, a take the second option. Forgiving. They say:





I can be strong but i am not brave enough to push away my egos and i will be happy as i forget. IF i CAN FORGET. But i still gonna be happy cause i live to move on not stuck in a shit moment and keep on hiding under the blanket with tears. I am strong!

She said about making things right. Well, good luck with that cause i am not gonna make it easy for you. If you want our friendship like how we used to, you will find it hard but if not, you fine it easy when you hear that i accept your apologize and my ought-to-be-smiling and my 'true-words' saying we're cool.

Rasulullah forgive people. Allah also do the same, He is the Mighty of Forgiving. Me? A humble and lots of sin of Allah's slave, i have no power or anything accept, the option either forgive or not. I forgive.

I am sorry for the long time of drama. I am being emotional all the time because it hurts me to know the truth from someone else and to realize the lies that you said. To see that actually you take for granted about all of this. Take my feelings as a small deal. Saying that its actually a small issue.

You don't know what i had gone through. You can say you know or you understand just to comfort me but actually you're not. Now, you don't have to do it any more. I don't know if i can trust you any more. If i can trust anyone.

Remember the old days. When i am the one trying to find you and tell you my updates. When you are just too busy with your works and never mind so much about us. When you tell me your problems and all the girls talk. I think you should forget all of that cause, i think its not gonna happen again. You are still my friend but not my bestie anymore i guess. Cause you actually never care much about me.

You decide to hide from me rather then telling me the truth.. How can a person called as best buddy do to her own buddy like that. Maybe i dont deserve the title your best buddy. I am not jealous looking you happy with other people but i am sad looking you being more closer to them and in the same time, going further away from me. Not because i want to, i try to keep in touch but you just slip away. Remember how i tried to always walk together and hang out but you always have other things to do. Remember i went to your dorm but you decided to go inside because of that senior rather than stay and talked. Maybe you don't see that cause you always have someone beside you. Someone who always understand you. Someone always wanna be your friend. After all this shits, i think you will never care about me like you use to. I mean when do you care? Do you ever care, i guess so. Thanks for 'the care'.

I dont want to break any friendship or any ukhuwah but i think being less closer to you is the best. Makes me less hurt and makes you less worry about how hurt i am. That's fair. I can live my life so can you. Not being with me is not a problem to you.

Everyone has their own problems and conflicts with other people. Its up to them either wanna talk about it or not. I prefer express it with writing. Its a good thing.

Now i can move on and live my life. I hope you understand. I am sorry. I hope you read this.

Assalamualaykum.