A little bit down the road

Assalamualaykum, Alhamdulillah

Its been awhile since any last word from me. I miss writing stuff going on. I had been keeping myself busy to stay occupied. I was not sad, surprisingly. Yeah that 'never' care stuff really keep me away from him. I am kinda glad it happen.

I remember the last time i said how much i hope i will never want to let him go or what ever. Like watching him walk in the alley with his white tuxedo or whatever to marry a girl who is not me might be my nightmare but it turns out now, it will not be anything. Maybe i care because he used to be his friend but maybe i will not care because i will remember why we never contact after all, it is because he pushed me away because i care so much about him.

It was kinda heart broken because i was standing there to be supportive and be a friend that never turn him away. Will stay beside him no matter what happen. Even watching him hitting the wrong girl. Then after the don't have to care stuff, i guess it was my silliest mistake to actually care about him for real.

Maybe all the last ex's and the bitches are the reason he become like this now. I know that i have no rights to call his what so ever past girls as bitches or anything bad. Allah create human with weakness. I get that but my weakness is calling people stuff. I called them stuff because they never realize how bullshit they are acting for them to actually realize it and change.

Don't give me excuse like i don't deserve because you are too nice and bla bla. People, open your eyes! Why do you think those horrible words even exist in the first place if it to make people realize how wrong they are acting. I know that i may be a horrible person but i just want people to realize stuff that they are blind about. I also may be blind about myself that's why i need those words from a person called as friend to say it to me to make me realize how horrible i am.

I know that watching 2 broke girls and the carrie diaries may makes my head kinda full of rubbish about grown up stuff but it also makes me realize stuff. It is move on. Let the past be gone. Don't be a pussy to walk away.

It is terrible to actually said all the words but it is the best way to make them realize.

He never realize about how some people actually care about him more than his girlfriends. Why they are actually try the best to be a good friend. Trying to be honest in the same time not hurting him. How they actually hope you realize how they care about him and only hope an apology for saying some harsh stuff to them. How much they had always be the first one to give up. How much the person appreciate every moment of friendship that they used to have but in the end he is the one seems to be so easy to throw away from that person. He maybe throw away his trust because of all the bitches and what he had gone through but why must the trust that he used to have for that person. I just don't understand. Am i being too sister about him?

Or if he sees this and will said how much he is just an ordinary person and always makes mistake or he cannot minds or he never realize all about it. Man, i thought he is an expert about girls and all the obvious things still not obvious? Or i am just being pathetic hoping him to read or realize.

Sometime i kinda blame the fate but i remind myself about Allah plans the best for me. Every moment and second are for the best. Never blame fate. Nauzubillah.

Sometime i hope he realize how hard it was for me and maybe his words will never change anything but at least it makes me feel better. I know someone who i never meet for real is actually supporting me. It makes me feel bless that Allah send me someone to makes me feel better and remind me about how holy Allah is. I thought that was what friends means. To remind you about Allah. I guess, i just don't find the right person. I guess i am as stupid as him. Putting to much hope on the wrong person. Why we did that? Because we never know who is the right on and who is the wrong one. That is how life gets tricky and complicated.

I am not here to cry or nag about how things never work out for me. I am here to tell about what i had been through.

I am always the third wheel. The third person. In most of my friends life who is a boy.

I guess this is the punishment for some mistake that i had done on earth. I am lucky it is something from earth. Allah wants me to be strong for something more complicated in the future that will involve guy. Alhamdulillah ... I can bare it man! I am strong. How to know I am strong? I just have to be strong.

I am sick of people taking me for granted. People takes me like i am actually no one. Not a quality friend or i am just a girl next door that you want to find after your fight with your girlfriend or what ever. I appreciate everything that i receive. I appreciate all the cares and the thoughts. Maybe you may not know about it, but i do. I am just too lazy to make you realize.

I am kinda spoil after all the shit friendship. I become someone who never want to fight for a boy. Maybe i will if he fight for me in the first place. But, let just face it, it is impossible. I am just too sick for any love or whatever. I am too cool to be wasted with all the bullshits that you said as love or whatever.

I kinda was an innocent chick who puts too much hope in useless friendship that she hold for about 3 years. But now, who cares. If he can throw me away that easy, why can't i.

I am the one start everything. After a fight and another one, i am the one start it again hoping it will last longer. Put faith on things that i never have any guarantee. After months of silent, i still put the faiths on. Now, i just regret it all.

Why he never makes me realize how stupid i am for trying to be his friend while he regret the first moment he knew me. Sorry for wasting your time for all the texts and waste of your money for replying them. Wasting of time.

I had nagged about you most of the time. Maybe this is the full stop of everything.