Hey

Assalamualaykum.. I am so sorry for no updates lately. I was busy with my report and stuffs. I just got back from Easy Addmath camp. For people who age 16 which will turn to 17 next year. People, they never notice that i am not actually their age. I am younger! Yet nobody realize. Alhamdulillah things went well... I got great expose about that subject. Clear version, dad. Yupe, my dad force to go. I'm like, my friends are not going, only one going but he is a boy. my dad like, you should go cause i am sick looking at you only sitting inside your room with the computer on. So, i agreed and went there to study. It was great, actually. I am lucky to be part of it.

Other story, I ... met ,my friend. The only friend that i had mention just now. I mean, the only one that went there. We were the only 15 people. You know what i mean. So, I saw him in the first day, most of the time. He looks like a chinese boy with glasses and tall with baby face. His face does not look friendly and he also has the kind of eagle eyes. We called it as, 'sepet'. LOL But we didn't talked. He saw me but never smile. Today, the last day, we met at the end of the last slot. I mean, as everyone was allowed to go back. He was looking for me without glasses and it turned out, i am the one waiting for him to realize that i was tailing him. =_= As he realize, we exchange gift, he said thanks and i said, bye. I was nerves. It had been 3 years since the last time we met. I'm like, urgh, it turns out not as i expected. But, i look at the bright side, maybe his parents already arrived and he really had to go. Yeah, whatever.

I don't know about him but what i am sure is about me thinking about him. I just don't know why i am so damn caring about him. Like, i want to always know everything about him. Most of the things he said to me, i never forget. He tread me like a friend but my heart hopes for more but i know the 'more' thing is impossible. I have some questions to him which i am too scared to ask. Why he did this everything to me? He ever lied to me before? He ever thought of me? He ever care about me? But, it seems wrong to ask and i never want things to be too obvious about me thinking of him. Everything seems wrong as i started to like somebody else. I just don't understand. It really makes me wonder about faith. I mean, people used to say, have faith. I understand that Allah planned everything for the best. But as a normal and full of sin human being and Allah's slave, i always wonder and have lots of questions.

Before we broke our friendship, i tried to like Mr B but things turns out darkly. I missed him so much! But i know that he never bother about it. I cannot lie that i stalked him. He seems fine with everything. I don't know what he thought about it but physically, he looks fine. Which makes me wonder, am I that easy to be forget? Then, after about 3 months, i already forgot about most of the things about him, but someone who looks so alike him appeared and it takes my breath away. I felt like the nightmare appear again. I cried again about it. Such a silly girl. It took awhile to recover. Then, the PRS started to ask for any order for flyers. As i bought about 5, i remember him. Damn it... But i didn't know why but i sent one to him.

After awhile, some months, im not sure, we got back as friends. We started to be closer like before. He changed. Maybe, i changed. I never lied to him. Because of a lie, we fought and broke our friendship. I realize that he keep so much secrets with him. He seldom share but i never blame him about that. He is a boy and maybe he had face much more then what i had face before.

We keep in touch and i always wonder where this friendship will go. Is it like before or whatever that is not like before.

We talked about how long we had never met and stuff like that. I knew about he and his friend that had never met in 10 years time. I said, so you wanna wait until 7 years more? He said, no lah. We don't know what gonna happen and maybe we still friends or not. Stuff like that. Really makes me wonder about one thing.

What if we lost contact and after the years, i got his wedding invitation. Am i going to go or not? Am i ready to see him marry? By that time, am i still this hopeless? By that time, i felt like unfriend him and run away. Ask the doctors to take away my memory about him and stupid stuff. I pray to Allah about it.

I am hopeless about what i want and what future i want it to be about us. I am so confuse.

I am the one bother to ask so many things about him and his opinion. What i really remember, he said im kinda unpredictable. But actually he is the one unpredictable. He always act cool like he is happy but inside, i can't really read him like before.

We don't share so much like how we used too. I talk a lot as usual. We are more cool with each other. Before this, i remember how i always try my best to take care of his feelings. FYI, as we got closer back, i asked about why he still don't mind about me being his friend. I mean after everything. He said, i am caring. More caring then his girlfriend (ex). I was so confuse that time. Before he and that girl become gf and bf, i asked him about their relays but he said that they were just best friend. Then, i just found out that actually the couple earlier then i knew. I was kinda disappointed. Not because of their relay but i started to think that he lied to me. Or, did i miss any piece of the story?

It hurts remembering the past. Its scary to think about future. We think we are safe in presence but actually we are walking into future every second.

I realize how boys can be such a mess and stuffy. I give up in any opportunity about being in relationships and maybe friendship. I just feel weak and i am not fragile to move on. I am kinda trap in the past. Moving on, moving out from my comfort zone kinda, uncomfortable. It sucks but i let it be. I let the seconds go by and spend the time trying to face the future. We are leaving in reality. There is no such thing as waking up in the future and sleeping and dreaming about going back to the past.

If he ever read this, i think im gonna be dead by now. Appreciate people who do it to you. Friendship, just let it flow and wait and see about the future. Relationships? If you think you are wise enough to think about love, then go on. I am too stupid to think about being in relationship. The last time i tried, it sucks! The last time i was about to enter it again, it got worst. So, maybe Allah is asking me to back off and wait for the Mr Right Guy to come and just marry me.