How can i start talk about him? Hurm, he is definitely special. A good friend too! I think one of the first guy that actually accept me for who i am as a whole.

If you had been following me in my Twitter you know i mention about him countless time. He used to be my crush for this pass few weeks. Its funny how i look back and remembered that we just knew each other about 3 weeks ago and now we are like best friend!

We were in the same group for one of my subjects. When we actually held our first discussion i was super nervous because he would look at me almost all the time as he explained. I mean, maybe because I was literally next to him. Maybe.

Then, I just decided that i wanted to be paired with him to work on our subtopic. We started to text each other due to working. Then, after sometime, we just realize how much in common we had. Since that i actually had crushed on him.

We were very honest with each other. We would tell each other almost everything now. Almost.

Even we disagree about some things related to our grouping assignment, we still come out with mutual understanding. I would love to observe him whenever i had the chance. Even if he caught me looking at him, he would just smile! LOL ikr

He is very caring person. He would try his best to help and to be concern about most of the stuffs. As we know each other personally, i was totally falling for him until the day, we talked about our social accs, he asked me how to search for this mystery girl's twitter. I almost drop my jaw....

I could hear the sound of crack deep down.. LOL Then i understand that he is indeed looking me as a friend. A good friend, thus a good friend what i will be. The thing i, he barely realize that some of his actions actually made me flattered. Well, you have to understand how slow a guy could be :')


The way he remembered the small details.
The way he would smile at me and how he made those hilarious faces.
The way he would try to comfort me that its okay to do it this way.
The way he would tell me what he will do next so that i dont have to wait.

And how my friends keep on telling me how cute he is. I mean, i know!

Yet the sparkles disappeared in a blink of an eye.

As i understand how he look me as a friend, every gestures that he showed i know that it is just as a very good friend.

We still argue, our argument irritate others.
How close we are made others thought we as more than friends.

Yet, we know that we are just good friends.

Am i suppose to be sad? Am i suppose to give up? It had been 3 weeks only, i bet its just nothing.

Today, we got closer, i mean, the friend way.

We handled the booth (our group assignment) most of the time together. Even we decorate and prepared the booth together, we would work together! You can imagine how close we had become. We were decorating it after 9pm so it ended about 1am, he actually accompanied me to buy some drinks and we walked together to our blocks. He tried to cheered me up last night because i was so exhausted and sleepy.

He would actually answer all of my ridiculous questions. I mean, duh, how can you not like this guy after you know him this close?!

Today he treat me Subway because he made me missed my lunch on last Monday. At first, honestly i am not even sure if I should actually go out just both of us. Yet, we were not even sure who to ask to come with us. In the end, after some talk and such, he said we should just go for it. I told him that if he dont want too, i would be fine. I mean it! We could find other day, I would be fine.

I mean, he is like the only guy that had seen how terrible i would look throughout the day.

Well, i think i have a lot to think about.

First of all, is age a problem for you in choosing a partner?

In my humble opinion, as long as that guy (because im a girl) is not older than any of my siblings, I guess it would be decent. I mean, honestly I would refer someone slightly older than me because mostly they are mature. Well, I mean, someone who is lack of experience but full of judgement like me would have that kind of opinion, I guess.

A guy choosing a younger girl also make sense. I mean, most of them like "young looking" girl. (most of them) Honestly, i cant blame them.

If a guy that prefer an older woman, we must look at the other factors. I mean 'older' here as a lot more older, not just 1 to 3 years. Here is what i think logic:
- already became close since small or for a long time
- younger looking
- successful
- rich
- being seduce and that guy has no other options
- desperate
- 'love is blind'
- mother-like
- caring and sweet

At this time being, thats all i got.

Am i being sarcastic? I am being honest. I mean, as long as you are happy and your partner is your 'dream come true' then i guess its okay.

I am here just to say what i think suppose to be said.

I dont care who you are with or whatever. Its just, if your family is against it, dont you think you should at least listen why?

Life is not just about love. You can simply say it is because you are madly in love now. "Love is blind".

Okay, if you are a successful person, dont you want a successful partner too? At least someone in the same level. I know how the theory of "susah senang bersama". It make a lot of sense for the time being.

I know that i am toooooo young to judge or complaint about something like this. I sound insane! I know...

I witness many types of relationship. I learn that love is unavoidable. Being alone could be brutal. Broken heart felt unbearable. Its would still be okay.

Once you settle down, suddenly you changed your mind that lead to another broken relationship until one day, true love.

Once you settle down, your dad against it yet you still make it work. You never give up to prove that its the best decision you made. You improve yourself. Yet, it would never be easy to actually gain the trust back.

Once you thought you settle down, you decided to take another path. You said you are hurt but you are hurting others. There are still a lot awaits, still, you choose the rough path.

Once you thought you settle down, yet you go against the current and ended up having 2 family...

Once you thought he/she is the one, they broke up with you with a lot of excuses. All those years together turns to ashes.

Do i need to give any other situation? I've been there as an observer to a lot of relationships by the people around me.

I dont care if you want to go on with anyone.... all I can say

Choose wisely.

There are a lot to chase rather than just a person.

That person might be permanent.
That person could be a lesson.
That person could be just for inspiration.
That person is just another pit stop while you are walking towards the destination..

Assalamualykum :)


It has been awhile since i actually have anything that I wanted to pour out sincerely.

It had been 2 weeks with my degree life. Honestly, It went well. Not as harsh as i imagined.

If you actually know me in person, you know how I planned my life since i was a little girl. Everything went well until at the age of 16. Honestly, not much well.

At the age of 5 i had my first crush but my best friend actually got that boy. When i was a little kid, I was so scared of crossing the road. (ill back get here soon).

At the age of 9, i had a crush on someone much older. Just 5 years. I prayed that one day i could sit beside him in my school bus. And i got it (lol)

At the age of 12, i had my first boyfriend who was 3 years older. It was totally my fault because i just wanted to see if someone actually like me. Its not even love.

At the age of 14, i had my second boyfriend ( my own classmate) who ended things a few days before my birthday and an asshole ever since. HE even felt for my best friend and ruined my next 2 years. Im actually glad she ended things with him harshly. He deserve every bits of it. Karma bitch!

At the age of 15, i found my first love.... my own best friend. Nico (i called him). Nico broke my heart eventually. I didnt blamed him because it was my fault for being someone that is not even myself. I would try my best to be the good friend. I never showed him my true self. What i hate,what i love. My weird side etc.

At the age of 16, i thought i found someone but, he is just someone that stay as friend until now. A very very good friend. We share most of our sorrows and questions together. I cant blame him. I cant blame anything about us. Its just faith. Honestly, I cant actually fall for him anymore because I just cant. All my love and care are just as friend. As part of family. Nothing more.

At the age of 17 and above, honestly, like a wracking ball. Everything was so uncertain. Everything was so blur. Everything was and still,brand new to me. Full of surprises. Let me tell you why.

Never ever i expected that a few of my friends still stood beside me.

I had a very interesting journey in matriculation. Let me be specific. I know everyone want the details.

At the age of 17, I actually have the courage to have a boyfriend again. I think, my hardest relationship yet. Someone who love to hold back and burst as i was at my lowest point. Instead of being supportive, he would blamed me and bring back whatever he was unhappy about us. Not most of the time but, the time he did it, i cant help myself from being deeply hurt. Well, it didnt last longer than a year. We broke up around 2 months before the anniversary. It broke me to tiny pieces. It felt like... well you know breaking up is never easy.

Oh, the break up was when i was 18.

18 and early 19 was my matriculation life. I enjoyed it even it was the most stressful 10 months. The first 5 months was epic. The next 5 months was interesting. Honestly, the friendship that i built during those 10 months were priceless. Mostly of the are great friends! I can never replace them even if i have other friends here.

I think, the longest year and one of the hardest year is 2017, at the age of 19. InshaaAllah more to come ;)

The year of complication. Can you imagine, i met Nico after all those years... Just a glimpse but currently we are studying in the same campus.

I never imagine myself driving on my own almost everyday.

I never imagine myself crossing that huge road everyday because i need a good spot of parking and need to go to my class.

And i am actually taking pharmacy courses.

Everything i said, mostly are just the tip of the ice berg.

I know that everyone had their own story. I just share some highlight of my story.

I had failed some tests, quizzes, let down expectations, being blamed, being hate, etc. I think my lowest point was when that one time, i literally had no friends... I was so alone. I was lost.

I had been through some family complications. Even my friends were speechless about it.

If i could change anything? Yes i would but, honestly i dont know what. It would still lead to another mistake. Lead to another complication.

A smile that hide a lot of tears.

It make sense if the person that laugh as i do was actually a lonely person. I held back a lot of things. Things that for some people would be unbearable, some would think its too stupid to cost a lot of pain. Well, i could bare it so its true Allah give people what they can handle. :)

I am not here to complaint about my life. I am bless a lot!

I am here to say is okay to always be the one tapping your own back. Its okay to do easy things the hard way. Its okay to hurt a lot. Its okay to do mistakes as long as you did your best. Dont be too hard on yourself. IF it ended up happening, it will still keep on happening.

The un-expectations makes your life more interesting. Trust meeee :))

Assalamualaykum, HI!

I finally got my own laptop. It is my family tradition. We would receive our own as we got accepted into degree level.

Yes, i finally got into unikl for bachelor of pharmacy program.

I registered last Friday and I actually attended the evening class.

To be honest, it is like one of the proudest thing i had done for awhile.

Can you imagine losing hope? Can you imagine finally accept that you are worthless and you kinda good for nothing for your family. Alhamdulillah, finally something.

I almost lost hope. I already planned ahead my journey as 19 years old teen that got nothing right until the day i finally get accepted into anywhere.

Wednesday, someone called me asking me if I had entered anywhere and so on. To be honest, I thought it was just another person who wanted me to enter another private collage. A few minutes after that, I i got a phone call from unikl themselves asking me about my personal information.

The next morning, i was awake by a phone call saying I got accepted into unikl for bpham program. I took me awhile to finally digest the information. I was holding myself from crying but then, I told most people that I finally got it!

Then, my bff called, asking about it, well, i finally burst into tears of course. I just accepted myself for everything and i just declare 2017 one of my dark days.

I registered and at first, everything seems okay. Then, well, when it is something that i never planned or ready, i faced some problems.

For me, i call it as 'stress'.

I dont have my notes. I dont even know how much i had missed. What if people cant accept me? Things like that.

Monday morning, I woke up and tried my best to be calm but i ended up vomiting. Not the sick vomit, the nervous vomit where nothing came out.

To be honest, I am still not over it.

My parents dont want me to stay at the provided hostel, so i would drive from home every morning. At first, everything was going well. Then, after a very long day of class, it is indeed tiring to drive back home. It is just a 30 minutes drive but still, very tiring.

The subjects? Very scary.

Most of the lecturers are good, kind and helpful. Then, this scary Mr S, he ever targeted me in my first class with him. At least he acknowledge the new student i guess.

Friends are okay but i bet i am that annoying bug that try so hard to mix around. Most of them, i just met so they dont know much about me. I wanted to be myself, it is getting easier from time to time but kinda, you can say, too fast. I know that i should just relax and go with the flow, things are not making any easy any time. Yet, it is getting harder.

I think, one more thing is, my class representative. LOL

He is super kind. At first, he was annoying because he didnt clarify some things about notes that i should print myself. Then, after sometime, he actually helped me a lot lately. I guess he is trying to be friendly as a leader. Overall, he is a decent person.

I do have a lot in mind, but i cant simply express it due to lack of information and my English is rusty. I cant totally describe it as how real it should feel. Honestly, it is not fun to write or say things that we cannot evaluate properly. It will not touch any soul.

I guess, thats all for now! :)