You know how some people just love to believe whatever they feel like it. Suddenly they felt like they know everyone about an idol or thought they are the only one as the 'true fan' above others. LOL its just a random statements.

In life, you messed up here and there. You wasted some opportunities. You faced things you never imagine that you would ever face or managed to get through. At least its in the past. Do you ever realize how those unexpected events actually shaped you as who you are now.

Remember those sleepless nights burning the midnight oil, studying.
Remember those days where you actually have real target and real dreams to achieve.

Or

Remember the first person who broke your heart?
Who betrayed your trust.
Who left.

Or

What actually happened back there?

They say, keep looking forward like its a piece of cake. Like, its just so easy. Even a piece of cake cost like rm10 nowadays. I guess you can always get something for the past but understand that,

the past does not represent you.
mistakes sometime are meant to be repeated.
you control what you want to do most of the time.

The new you, could be harmless or harmful, your choice.

I keep on telling myself to chill a bit about future. Especially about savings. For now, you are young, dumb and broke. Changed that from time to time.
YOu might be dumb but hardworking,
YOu might be young but nothing could be define by numbers
YOu might be broke now, not later

A lot of things could be achieve. A lot of things could be done. All you need to do is start the first step. Make sure that your 'average' target keeps on increasing until you reach something so high, all you must do is enjoy the view.

Along your journey, have you even though about dropping everything you have and walk away. I do but im not good enough.

It did occurs to me that being 'not good enough' could actually bring me a long way. Yet, im not sure how. I know i can do it but im not sure when will i take that first step. Yeah, first step is always the hardest.

You see, i always wanted to travel and write about it. I want to learn literature, language and art. It is very fascinating. I want to inspire people to do great things. I want to live somewhere with 4 seasons. I want to be free from any negative shits. In general, i dream is to be a writer who deserve some credits and travel as much as i could.

In my opinion, dreams and ambition can be two different things. Why? It is because dream is something you can think of even if it sounds crazy, does not mean its going to happen in reality. Dreams. Ambition is something you are sure you have higher chances rather than your dreams.

My ambition, i want to be a good pharmacist. Someone who want to learn and appreciate the magical of the drugs. Someone who play an important role in crisis. Health crisis.

As you grow older, suddenly you have doubts about your studies, it take you backkkkk in time. I remember how excited i was when i learn about science. I love science A LOT. I take it serious each class especially during experiments. It was back in 2012. It was the same feelings when i found out that i love speaking and English. That was what i am good at. I remember those years where homeworks were not such a burden because i actually enjoyed it. I would finished most of it early or at least, i did it.

I know that day bu day i am learning a lot, sometimes too much, i cant help it. I dont enjoy it. It turns out to be burden. Those fail papers. Added with your lecturers assume those papers reflects you didnt study. You keep on getting all the doubts. You see yourself as not good enough in everything.

You realize that you gave up your dreams since you decided to do so, for me, i gave up on it since i didnt score well in my SPM. I barely could afford my degree, how am i going to travel with care-free. I envy people who actually did it! Im always and will be someone who never gets out from her comforts zone.

At least, im keeping this blog alive since i started in in 2009/2010. My contents are more personal now. I guess someday, i should make daily blogger for average-student-pharmacist edition.

I know that in order to make something awesome i need to sacrifice more than just my time and effort. There must be something more to everything. Am i ready to do that?

I remember back in the days, my matriculation days i guess, i wanted to join volunteer programs all over the world and even considering it as a job. Travel for free while helping people and learn new things form the unfortunate community and the best of all, inspire someone to be better. Then i had these programs in my faculty but i didnt give my time for those things. I was disappointed about myself and all those bullshits i had but as i had the chance i didnt participate.

Now, most of my money i spent on make ups, foods, skin care, books that i barely read, clothes, etc. I barely keep any money. I tried saving but yeah, my desire is such a bitch that i cant control. Im helpless.

I hope, in 5-10 years from now, i ll be reading this shits and laughed. Saying, "Ainul, bitch, you are exhausting even towards yourself. It turns out just fine." or ill be crying and agree to every shits i wrote about myself. or, i dont even have the time to remember this moment and read any of my old posts. Idk, life is unpredictable.

Lets just take a minute and pray for our life getting better. Ameen!

If you actually reach here, thank you. Thank you for caring.

Im not sure how to share my story. Im not sure how to describe with words.

Being with H is not something i planned at thee first place. I always said, i dont prefer classmates but here I am with H. Im not saying its a bad things because we could literally share our assignments and study together and such, i just had bad experience once. Almost twice but nothing really official so i just consider that as almost. Eventho it was not planned, it was magically and still is.

No we don't live like fairy tale and everything seems rainbow and sunshine. No. It have had a few arguments and each were worst than before yet, we managed it. I guess that is just how relationship should work. I had been in relationship before but none of it was as serious as with H. None of it last this long too. Im not sure it is me or that other party. I did try to save it but it didn't work.

Being with H, opens my perception about older (a bit lah) guys and guys as a whole. Let's just ignore the phase men are trash for awhile. First, not ALL men are trash because women could be the trash too. Eventho im a feminist but i dont play by the rules of discriminating men. The simplest idea is, both men and women are equal in different ways. Tipulah kalau laki tak pernah nak clingy, manja manja, sensitive and such. You cant just side on women je about these things because above all the "being period and pms" shits, guys too have hormone.

If you know H as a person, you know how serious he is with his other commitments in any society which sometimes got my nerves. I mean, I am very supportive but i do need my man time to time. I do blame myself for holding him back sometimes but thats just my job. If he can't figure out how to balance his work now, he will never will in the future. If you let him too loose, he will never realize how far he had gone. He needed the break himself too. I am fine with any other commitments but he has to set boundaries. That boundaries would determine did he overwork.

I pity him whenever he was told to do extra works. Like i said, ill try my best to be supportive but at the same time i told him, you have ALL THE RIGHTS to say NO!

H in general is very kind and hard working. He would try to understand everyone and adapt with everyone's ways of communication. He is very supportive too. He don't complaint when i talk about make ups, skin cares, all those girl stuffs. He learn about it too. LOL Of course in the other hand, i would listen to his complaining and boy stuffs too. (Rahsia syaahomies takde dalam our conversation most of the times)

Give and take. We support each others interest lah in general.

We do consult each other with some stuff and always, i mean it, ALWAYS update each others well being and location. He would said, oh he needed to do this and that, so at least i dont have to wait for him. Ill update to him too most of the time. We get use to each other's pattern eventually.

Lastly i would say about spending. I know most couples who are still a student would consider this part of something. Sometimes when H asked me out, i set a limit because i don't want to spend too much. Example, i dont mind makan dekat mana tapi bajet mesti sekian, kalau nak lebih, you pay the baki. Does it sound rude? Nope. It is the truth. You can't expect your partner to pay for everything okay. It is not nice. Eventho he pays for everything, please please consider to contribute in other things. Pay half of the mean of at least give him something. Girls, insist to contribute. Laki kau bukan cop duit. Eventho he offers to pay for everything please remember, kau awek dia bukan isteri dia lagi. Dia tak belanja pun mak bapak dia lebih lebih macam kau jadi baik kau consider. Ok fine he push your offer but at least offer. Then, haa THEN you belanja lah dia something in return. Eventho bende tu murah. Example, he paid for the whole meal, you treat him some snacks ke bubbletea ke. Don't go out on a date without bringing any money. Please lah ladies.

It does not only show your good personalities but it also shows how considerate you are. Learn to be considerate in early state so that you will get used to it. Remember, eventho Allah mulia kan perempuan ni sampai syurga anak anak dibawah telapak kaki ibu and such, syurga seorang isteri tetap dengan suami. Kalau dari awal dah berkira macam macam, imagine later macam mana.

Im not saying you cant demand, you could but berpada pada. Be generous in demand. Ask for something that make sense. Okay, you wanted this thing so much, he could effort the whole price but it is not wrong to pay some part of it.

Girls, stop making relationship (in finance state) hard for guys. Contribute each other because your food tu nanti kau jugak yang makan. From time to time when you feel like you have some extra money, it is not wrong to pay a bit more this time. He used to pay like 70% from the meals price, haw about you pay 60%. It is not about competing but learn to be generous.

That was among the things i have to share. Thank you for actually reach this end of point.

Assalamualaykum, im here for a long story about my latest journey to London and Paris. This post took me days to complete and i hope its complete.

I traveled for 10 days, 2 days flight, 4 days in London and 4 days in Paris.

For the preparation to go there, we bought a lot of can foods (sardine, kari ayam, rendang ayam, sambal ikan bilis), maggie, about 3kg of rice and can drinks. Also some candies such as Mars. We also bring along a small size rice cooker.

Essentials, about 5 pair of clothes and 3 pair of pajamas, and whatever you need (facial wash etc). I thought i have enough time to freshen up in the plane, boy, i was so wrong. I packed my contact lens, moisturiser, sunblock, and night serum in a transparent small beg. Here's the rules:



I borrowed my check in luggage from Balqis (shoutout!). Knowing that i will need to walk like a lot and it is summer, i bring along sport shoes and bought shades.

Let me just skip all the boring stuffs and get into the real one.

Our flight was on 17 of July 7pm, Etihad. We took bas ride direct to klia.

KLIA to Abu Dhabi INTL. 7 hours flight.

The horrifying shit! I CANT EFFING SLEEP. Why?
1. There were a group of arab boys about 4 people who occupied the sits near mine, they kept on running around, talk VERY F* LOUD, tersepak kaki or terkena bahu when they were running and walking around. omg...

2. As my sister decided to lay down, yeah people, SHE LIED DOWN ON THEIR SITS WHILE THEY WERE OUT PICKING OUT OTHER SHITS. I just got to sleep bit, then this baby boy who unfortunately sit near me too, CRY LIKE CRAZY. I guess because he was uncomfortable being at one place for a very long time. So his mom would walk around the plane but then as they sat down, he began to cry AGAIN. omg.... As he felt asleep, i was about to sleep too but we were arriving to the lights were on and yeah....

We transit at abu dhabi for a few hours. I decided to pray there because they do have the facilities. We prayed, suddenly this arab family came in. As my mum and sister was about to take a nap, i mean the long flight was sooo exhausting, the anak anak mak arab ni dok bising nak mampuih! They were shouting and ignoring other people who were actually trying to rest. Their voices echoes but they just dgaf.

The next flight to london, about 7 hours too. This time i managed to sleep a bit because im just too tired to care. We arrived about 11am UK time so its 7 hours late from malaysia.

Day 1


We bought oyster card ( lrt card like touchngo because you can use it for buses too) and top-up 5 pound at first. We took the train to our homestay because Uber refused to take us as we carried a lot of luggage. Imagine the stairs and the walking after 14 hours of flight. omg... I was very fortunate when a man actually helped me carry my luggage down the stairs once. We must stand on the right side if we are not in a rush. The left side is the lane for people who are in hurry so they will walk down the stairs or escalators. Even on the pathway.

Here's the map


All i remembered, we must go to Bank and took DLR to Shadwell.

We stayed at Shadwell. It is a muslim community so it was very easy to find halal food.

I'll write another 2 chapters. One how i live in london, another one is about in france.

"Since i am with him, my friends changed."

I know im not the only one that actually experience it.

You see, things are not like in the tv where your bffs would stick around. Sometimes i wonder, does being with someone else strip away the title of bff. I guess so. What i wonder, isn't it exhausting to earn the title as a bff but you prefer to throw it away and find someone or a new group to replace what you got.

This does not apply to everyone that i know or every friendship i built. I understand about most of my close friends that actually live far so we meet once in awhile, some of them are very busy because even i know studying is hard and etc. I don't mind my friends have new friends and most of the time, i learn to accept that no matter how close we are, it will turn out to be 'were' because of distance. You can say you missed me and ill say the same and we both know missing can't change the distance but we tried to look pass it.

What i do not understand why some people prefer to take relationship as a toxic or bitterly.

I know there are some of your friends who are the one starting to be distance since the relationship, the one person who always 'berkepit' non stop. Does it sound familiar? Wait, you think its me? Noooo. People distance themselves from me after i started dating. I don't have anywhere else to go besides being with him. After sometime, i accept it and ignore those who whispers.

People left, the one that never care about you anymore. They just disappear.

People that stick around, not all of them just stand there to comfort you, some just stand there to judge you.

People that stare, this is the most dangerous person because you thought they care when actually they don't give a damn. At first they seems friendly, as they gain your trust, they take advantages from you.

People you can rely on, is the one that does not only stand and stare, they ask and give help if you asked for. If they judge you, they would want the truth from you. No one is perfect. I am not saying i never been the one that only stand or stare but to those i really care, i would ask.

If you are a bff to a person or a group of friends, dont just leave because you thought she/he is in good hand. They still need you. Your title is higher because you are the one they wanted to be as the godparents of their kids. The one they cried on even they have someone because in certain things, you understand more.

If you want to be a bff, earn the title.

You would be surprised how much they listen to a bff then their partner.

I am not saying you need to care about every single thing going on in their life, it would no hurt if you actually ask them about their well being or ask them for a coffee date to catch up.

Dairy is one of my gateway because back then, people around me which includes my family dont understand me. The struggle as a teenager is real. I mean, growing in this family is a blessing but that does not mean things are perfect.

As i watched 13 reasons why season, i felt sorry for hannah's family because they were left in the dark about her anxiety and depression but at the same time i understand why. Some of us are not lucky enough to have concern parents that actually looked into depression for kids or things that related to mental issues. In the circle of 'some of us', most of us would still survive without therapy and proper care because we motivate ourselves and believe about living with purpose yet, there are teenagers or young adults out there still struggle. Struggle as i mean, they believe that suicide is the only solutions. For sometime i thought, only people my age are facing this hard reality, but people older and more success like Kate spade and the chief, i dont remember his name were the latest suicidal victims.

There are parents who questioned, why are they not inform about these problems. Why do their kids hid it, hold it.

My opinion, it is easier. They would ask a lot of questions and compare about when they were young-shits. I am a complicated person who they mistaken my young "less love" self was just being dramatic. I remembered how my older siblings would get most of the things and i were always left alone. They never asked me about my time when they left for bording school. They got a lot of friends but they never care if i had any friends. I didnt have anyone to play with at home. I was always, school, tuition, homework, some telly and sleep. I was too young to understand about depression but back in the days, i was happy because in school, i had a lot of good friends. It was easier back then. Studying was also not bad. I was so young that i didnt care about these things.

Indeed, success and wealth are not the solution.

I am not here to judge you for your issues that cause your depression but i understand how it feels. There are people who said, "We dont see any sign of depression and loneliness. She/He was always happy." I was one of that people who had anxiety and depression but hide it very well. In the day i would smile and laughed with my friends like the problems that i am having is just another joke, at night, i cried. The same thing for a few weeks maybe a month, im not sure.

I just broke up that time and honestly, even though the relationship didn't last over a year and we are still young and shits but i was so in love with him. He was just a simple person but he was there when i really needed someone during my dark days in school. I am the average girl who can't really score in my tests and i remembered failing most of my quiz and for my mid term, i pass a paper. "Pass". Its not an A or B, its a solid C. I worked hard but things didn't work as planned. I had a crush on a person who looked down to me because, i dont know why or what rumor spread about me. I had crush on him because i needed at least something to strive me to gain my strength. It was not about the person it was more about motivation. It was different about having friends when you get older.

They said, you get older and wiser. In what part? You cant simply judge someone based on numerals. Digits.

Different digits different rules. The more the digits, the stricter the rules. When you were young, people dont really care what you are doing let alone what you want to be. As you get older, they questioned and complaint or compare what we are doing and judge our ambition. When their opinions matter, they would disappoint us with lame advises and prefer to discourage, i guess it is easier to be mean than nice. I remembered telling my school counselor on the first day i stepped in my secondary school, I said i wanted to be a writer and he said, JK Rowling was a divorcee. I thought to myself, not all writers are divorcee.

You know, it took awhile to realize that the one giving endless support is actually YOURSELF. I am not the lucky person who have positive people around me a lot.

I had hard time in my 2 last years in school. It changed my life. I know some people thought bullying verbally is ridiculous but it did changed me. I had a group of girls ganging up because they hated me. All my endless hard work to be someone crashed down because 'the adults' thought for the best interest of my batchmates thus their opinions matters for the first time. The one opinion that lead me to a revenged a person. I cant help myself but blaming them because until now, i had hard time to forgive people who actually ruined me. The person that cause the problem still got his title while i got all the shits. I would still remember what they had done to me even i already have a better life and some of them are very very nice to me. I always prayed that i would let go of it better now.

It was indeed endless of shits that i did had those suicidal thoughts. It was easier to just die along with those shits.

But i cant do it. I know i cant. Even id i wanted to die, someone has to do it for me.

Thats the good thing about Islam. They taught you about afterlife and i believe in everything i were taught. It was not enough to prevent me from commiting sins but enough to convince me that, suicide, straight to hell for infinity. Well, that is too much.

I know it is not easy for some people having these mental issues without proper care to actually help her/himself.

I remembered i was heart broken when i see most of my friends were happy with their other friends. It got to me. I felt cheated but actually it was not my rights to prevent my friends from making new ones. i tried to make friends too. i tried hard and no one could replace them. It took me about a year to actually have like 2 people to be called as best friends and a group of friends that actually care about me. Indeed i am blessed.

I wanted to give each one of those people a credit because without them, i might still deal with depression worst. It was those small gesture and 'are you okay' sudden texts that would calm me down. Eventho i would say, im fine when im not, at least you people still have the courage to say it. So, actually it is not wrong to suddenly text someone (a friend) even if you are not that close to ask for her/his well being.

I saw one advertisement about anti suicide, this woman is walking in the street then suddenly a guy approached her and said, ' you are beautiful, you need to know that' and smile. He just walked away after that. That woman smiled and walked home. She then clime the table and wanted to hang herself but she decided not too because she remember that man and her dad came home. They hugged each other. The point is, you never know that your small gesture could save a life.

I learnt that life has a lot of meaning if we want to put it that way. Everything changed because of you not others. You get to decide who you want to be and what you want to do. There are stupid rules to follow like get good grades and work as something 'professional' shits besides that, enjoy your life eventho it will still beat the shits out of you.

I am not saying life will be easier, or you will heal from this depression, or people around you will understand your shits. What im saying, put your focus on the beautiful things. If you are in a graveyard and its raining, instead of digging your own grave, wait, as the rain stops, see the rainbows and sunset.

Most important thing, DONT GIVE UP. Eventho you have nothing to loss but dont. give. up. on. yourself.

Assalamualaykum and Ramadhan Mubarak to all muslims all over the world!!

In this month full of blessing i would like to say, im soo sorry for everything.

In the end of this month, literally, i will have my final year examinations! Pray for our success!

Today, i wanted to chit chat around about girls group. Most of us have the special group where you would express yourself and things between you guys are transparent. Its like, bros before hoes kinda things. Without them, we would feel empty. So empty.

I had that kinda group before. My besties. A group of people that mean a lot to me. They still are.

Now, the shittiest thing about "had" is definitely time. We used to be so close, we talked to each other, daily, updated. Now, we just watch them for afar through their insta stories and tweets. I am not blaming anyone for not being how close we were because i totally understand.

I have to admit that i wish i am there. I wish we would keep ourselves updated more often. I wish we could at least meet up randomly. I wish of a lot of things.

Here, i dont really have that group of girls that i could express myself. I told some people about it but everyone use the excuse of "you have a boyfriend". I am grateful i have H with me. I shared almost everything with him. He is indeed a blessing!

Yet, having a group of girls that actually want to hang out with me would be awesome. Here, i learn that even a very good friend is enough. Im not saying im perfect and she could depends on me and such, what i mean here, at least she noticed me more than others.

Lastly, i wish i could care-less about most people especially they way they treated me. Honestly, everyone is nice and kind. At the same time, I do wish im not just someone you could say hello but also someone that you would count me in having fun or study or have a fancy chat. Someone you would invite because you love my company.

You know what is funny about the society most of the time, even me sometimes, we are too focus to help others, so you join this and that because you are doing good but you forget that the one that is close to you are lonely.

Let me be brutally honest lah. Behind all those smiles and 'yes' for every favors, i am not hoping for something back like money or things but i do hope people would appreciate me being around. You guys are very nice to me, i admit that but i am not one of your member. Sometimes i did try to be a good friend/company but for some people, it is still not enough. I mean, you would talk about your other friends and how much you missed them. I cant replace them but i try to be a friend.

I push myself too much and expect a lot that even a small ignorance that a few people treated me, it hurts me. Like,
1. We used to be closed but our friendship pull you away from a few of your friends thats why i told myself, ill just pass.
2. I thought we are close but we are not because in the end, you just dont bother about me.
3. Someone skipped me while they passed the attendance list.

I know that those shits are just small things. Forgive me from feeling hurt. I had been ignored a lot of time while being in a group but now, i dont mind. This experience actually open my eyes and heart to who that actually cares. I understand people who have trust issues because now i am one of that person.

Honestly, starting this time on, i would take anything seriously (people's ignorance) and i also will avoid being open up with others.

I always wanted to avoid having H as an excuse to mingle around and social more but now, its true because that is what most people want me to feel.

I didnt change after having H, people around me changed.

Assalamualaykum ;)

I just realized that my readers increase recently. Thank you :))

This post, i will bored you with my biggest regret as a make up lover. Like seriously, i regret it (LOL).

So here it goes, as i finished my spm, i roamed around youtube and i came across all these tutorials and such. I came across NikkieTutorials, Jeffreestar, Mannymua, joe and his sister (apatah nama), and i venture into the react channel and etc. Of course make up triggered me. A LOT!

By that time i had my savings with me around 2k. I kept my money safe in the bank because yeah, i love the idea of saving until you really need to use it. I guess people just never educate me till the end of the road, THEY LET LIFE AND REALITY EDUCATE ME. True, experience taught me A FREAKING LOT.

Ok back to the topic, so as i was saying, my parents did not allowed me to work part time even as a cashier in Mydin which is like, so near (a stone's throw away) acewah! I got my license and yeah, a lot of time in the internet. I discover this ig who sell make up. By that time, i did not know what is authentic and fake make up. All i know is, make up.

I dont know about the dangerous ingredient and the horrible horrible nightmare quality of that fake one. Trust me, horrible! So, as the uneducated kid, i bought a few things from that person. By that time, if you sell a fake one with high price, people still buy it because its a lot more cheaper that the original one. One fake abh lipstick for rm20, me "THATS FREAKING CHEAP, BUY!"

The funny thing about this ig shopper, after awhile i discover where she actually bought the make ups. Her supplier. She sold a lot more expensive kot! SMH *face palm

Excuse that dumb bitch, she was just too innocent. Then i bought more and more and more even i know i dont really like the ingredient and barely wore it out. Then, i realize that i hate the formula, so i decided to sell it back. This is where i discover carousell! Yeah. I tried to sell some of it and indeed some people do buy it even its fake. I sold it at a lot more cheaper than cheap so yeah, nothing to lose. I guess.


Then, in the carousell, i came across people who actually sell the real one. The ori make up. There are also people warning about these fake make up that could harm us and such. By that time, i realize how stupid i was for buying all those fake shits! Yeah, it took awhile but at least i wake up. What is too late? How much i had spent on that fake shits! Honestly, almost my whole savings for things that i barely wear!! Oh Almighty, I learnt my lesson.

As i started to learn my lesson, Kylie came out with her brand! :') By the time i discover it, she was releasing the death of knight (black matte lipstick and lip liner). I went nuts and bought it for about rm170-200. Yeah, for a lipstick and a freaking pencil. I think, i was possessed. Along the way, i bought her christmas collections lippies, her eyeshadow (this one not a regret) but then, i stopped because im out of greens. :') Yeah, im broke af!

Then, i started to search for dupes. Then i came across all these other brands and such.

Yeah, i learnt to save more money and buy what necessaries. I hold back on what i really really really want. When i cant help it, i would ask my mum, i said i cant sleep and i really want this palette. It cost rm100 and i used it a lot! So yeah, no a waste of money. I search for a lot of ig shops and sell things cheaper.

I warned some of my friends about this fake make up. What fake shit i would still buy, make up brushes and sponge. They are not as good as the expensive one but i could still work with them. My face still turn out great what...

So here people, be educated about what you are passion of or not, you will regret like A LOT!

I still have my make up obsessions and passion about it but more careful and spend for it like, once or twice a year, if there are sales. Aint nobody got money for the price tag on shelves!

I know that not every girls have passion for make up and some of them do think that make up is ridiculous! Wait until you see the finish look, aint ridiculous anymore! Ok excuse my dumb language yang bajet bajet.

The thing is, you will learn a lot thru time. Like, a lot! I find myself in carousell because i know, some people just want to get rid of their make up because either they needed money to buy new one or just needed to clean up their collections. Pretty cheap over there. Like, seriously! Some people's junk could be others treasure, right? Maybe ;)

Assalamualaykum and happy Friday~

Before i start anything, a bit of disclaimer, i mean, a huge one, I AM NOT AN EXPERT. This is just base on my research and experience. Then, if you think this routine is suitable for all skin type, NO. To be damn FLAWLESS, NO! To be fairer, also a HUGE NOOO! Lastly, this is not a routine that require A WEEK OR A MONTH, it needs more time and patience. Also, COMMITMENT! CONSISTENCY! Yeah, a friendly reminder, you do need some budget. Trust me, skin care is as expensive as make up. Sometimes, A LOT MORE EXPENSIVE. Ok, lets begin.

Firstly, please please identify your skin type. Is it oily, combination, dry, sensitive, acne prone.



Then, do some brief research about your own skin. Mine, oily and and acne prone skin. I get hormonal acne easily especially during my period or stressful week. Yes people, there are different types of acne. I mean, you must differentiate between pores, white and black heads, acne and whatever that is on your face.



Most of the acne is cause by bacteria that is why some people would take some kind of anti bacteria pills and such for acne problem. If you the kind of person who seldom get acne or just a certain areas, identify the areas. Trust me, it would be helpful to curb your acne problem. Sometimes, since you change to a new shampoo, a lot of acne on your forehead, if your acne is more chronic on your left or right cheek, probably due to you sleep on that either side more often. In order to curb it, change to a new shampoo or whatever..

I personally have acne more on my right cheek because i sleep on my right side often. I am not that rajin to change my pillow case everyday or every week, so i would put a piece of small cloth ( a thin and breathable) on my pillow. I wouldnt have to change my pillow case everyday but i would wash that cloth every week or every 4-5 days. Sometimes i would just terbalik kan the cloth :') Yet again, its up to you.

Ok, moving on. Secondly, do some research about the product you want to use. What i did, i find what is good for my skin, then i do the research about the ingredients THEN only i find myself the products. You would be surprise of what kind of product that existed and good for your skin.

Then, make yourself a routine. Be consistent with it at least 3 months or until you are out of the product. Aint nobody got lot of cash.

I am not here to say, "Eat healthy, Drink a lot of water, Avoid oily foods, Dont stress up, Avoid bla bla..." As a student, i understand how busy, stressful and just everything about not being able to do so. It is all up to you, if you expect the results fast, do drink a lot of water and eat healthy foods and such. One of the reason of my late result was due to the bla bla bla that i ignore.

Here is my routine, the products that i used for the pass almost 3 months. And some suggestions too.

I wake up every morning, i wash my face with this .



and i used this to wash my face,



Then, i would dry my face with tissue paper, seriously, avoid using towel even if it is towel face.

Tone your face with any toner you love. Honestly, i dont really have a favourite. For me, as long as it suits your skin type, then it is alright. What i am using right now is the first picture, the second picture is what i wanted to use but im waiting for the first one to finish first.





i would recommend this too.



But, please, it depends on your budget and your skin type~

Then, i would moisturize my face with this and added sunblock too. Seriously, sunblock is important! It would reduce your winkle when you get older.


I let my face dry a bit, i would apply some powder to avoid my face look too oily. If you dont like your face to feel watery, i dont recommend the biore sunblock. The reason i choose watery essence sunblock because it is easier for me to take my ablution (wuduk) during class break.

If i feel like doing it, i would apply the moisturizer after the prayer.

If you feel your skin is drying, just apply it. It is important to keep it hydrated. For my high pigmentation, due to acne scars and such, i used this in certain areas.



At night before i sleep, i would scrub my face daily. With this,


Just gently scrub your face. I love it because it is not harsh, and the main ingredient is salicylic acid. It if good for acne prone skin.

Then, i would tone my face with the same toner. Then i apply this acid. 3 drops, forehead, left and right cheek.


Lastly, i apply oil on my face. 3 drops~ The oil id the combination of olive oil and the rosehip seed oil. You can get the olive oil from any supermarket. I know people use it for cooking ;) Make sure it is extra virgin olive oil~ The rosehip oil, any brand could do. Find the one with reasonable price.

Thats it!

For someone with skin like me, salicylic acid, lactic acid, AHA BHA, rosehip seed oil, olive oil helps A LOT! Especially to reduce the scars. Dont expect for no pimples forever or a week of changes. No no no no noooo. Your skin barrier is genius, dont doubt it so treat it well~ IF you only have problem as certain area, do find a product in small quantity and apply at that area only! If you have extra money, meet the dermatologist. They might recommend you a better products. Like i said, i am not an expert. This works for me.

About mask, honestly, i am not that rajin lah to wear. What i would recommend, clay aztec mask plus apple ciger. It smells like nightmare but it smoothen your skin. DOnt expect for it to peel your acne and such. Wash it gently with warm water. It might work because i see a lot of reviews about it but i dont really apply it weekly so, im not sure.

Yes, why I DONT RECOMMEND ANY LOCAL PRODUCTS??? BECAUSE MOSTLY ARE TRASH! Seriously.

At first i tried nurraysa soap, i used like 4 bars of it, nothing. I tried this serum, noufa or apatah its brand, 3 bottles, nothing. FYI, each bottle cost rm40 after discount LOL

What i love it but its not my favourite is kak maria's products.
I purchased it and honestly, i love both spray and the toner a lot. I would purchase it again after current products finish. One of the reason why i like it, because it cost a bit. SUMPAH MURAH. The products are organic, no chemical harsh and such.

I wanted to use organic products only but most of the one i tried were not working for me and it cost a fortune for one. That is why i decided to use the chemical products THATS WHY I DID MY RESEARCH ABOUT IT FIRST!

Please people, the products that show a huge differences in less than a month could contain mercury and harsh chemicals without you realizing it. I am not accusing but it might be. It is just a friendly advise.

Yeahhhhh lastly, before changing products, do rest your face at least a week, avoid applying the whole face for the first time, try am area to ensure it does not cause any effect on your skin. Andddd, justtttt a friendly advise, again, take a break from all the make up. I rest my face for a long time, make up for only event attending. Even on a date, i avoid applying foundations.

Still, its up to you~ Its your own skin.

I am not saying that the products is the only reason for my better skin, alhmdulillah God allows my skin to improve. Seriously, now, my skin is healthier and much clearer. It took 2/3 days for my acne swollen to cool down now. I am still working on it.

Last last last, you are beautiful no matter with or without the clear skin. I found a guy that look through me instead of only physically.

We started dating while my face was breaking out. LOL


now my skin is soo much better but i dont have the picture right now. If you followed me on my ig, you know how much it does to me. :)

thank you for reading until this very end!! Hope some of the tips are helpful~

This is my improvement~

Let me make things clear, I am 20 yo.

Ive been in those stages and trust me, A LOT OF REJECTIONS. LITERALLY A LOT! I had been rejected a lot. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

When i was about 5 years old, i had a crush on this guy name Annas. SEE PEOPLE! I F* REMEMBER HIS NAME! I never told anyone because i was a freaking small child for God sake (LOL). I had this girl group of 3 girls but we split up classes the next year, and one of my friend.............. end up with Annas. I mean, they were holding hands and such even as children. I moved on because well, i thought things would turn out better BOYYYY I WAS WRONG (lol).

Then, it came to a stage where having a boyfriend seems FUN! Yeah people, i was that naive. Forgive me... So, i randomly dated this guy who was 3 years older than me. I NEVER THOUGHT 15YO BOY WOULD ACTUALLY FALL FOR IT. Yeah, i was 12 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I ended it because it occurs to me things are ridiculous.

2011, i entered a mixed school. I was in all girls primary school so it was strange to be in a mix class. There was this chinese look guy who, unfortunately turned out to be my f* first love :') My biggest heart broke. HAHAHAHAHAA fyi, after all those drama, we literally go to the same collage but different courses. Such a small world :')

While i had my high school life, well, too much dramas -,-

Summering it..

Like A LOT OF GUYS that gave me fake hope :) Some of them would show effort then left me out, some would show some affection but THEY TURNED OUT TO LIKE MY BEST FRIEND HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I reached a point where, i dont even know if i should be a straight person :') I had a lot of disappointment with guy related things. Well, at least i know that i am someone who must approach the person myself. Maybe there was where my courage exist.

A friend of mine once said, "Let the guy approaches you first". Well, for someone who is as popular, brilliant and pretty, yeah you deserve that, not me. I am just the girl next door. Who wouldnt realize she existed until she went out from her house.

I had that once, he was special. I mean, at least he taught me a lot during our unofficial journey together. That even if the guy came to you, he was just another lesson. Yet, he got me stuck for about 3 years ;)

Yeah, i ended my high school love story with someone who.... TURNED OUT AS ANOTHER FUCKING HEART BROKE. HAHAHAHAHAHA I LEARNT THAT

No matter how long you stay, they left.

No matter how loyal you stay, they left.

No matter how much effort you gave, they left.

No matter how much you loved, they left.

No matter how much you want they to stay, they left.

No matter how much you tried to make it right, they left.

No matter what you are, you try to improve, IT IS NEVER ENOUGH TO MAKE THEY STAY.

I was considering about girls. hurm.... HAHAHAHAHA

Let me just give it another chance.

17 and living my matriculation life.

I had crushes. I mean, i mingled with less guys because IVE HAD ENOUGH. I guess, at least crushes would be safe. BOY I WAS FUCKING WRONG AGAIN! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Let me tell you why, WHY HAVING A CRUSH PUN TAK BOLEH!

First case,i like this guy who was in the same lecture hall. I ONLY KNEW HIS NAME (not even his full name) and his class, i didnt even knew his id or whatever lah even i liked him. I JUST LIKE TO SEE HIM. THATS ALL!

I told my friends about him sometimes and one of his classmate was my friend, lets just call her N. N was okay but N's best friend who ALSO LIKED HIM, well this b* told him about ME. idk what she said but that made him 'avoid' me.

People, i only knew his name by what people called him, NOT HIS FULL NAME OR ID OR HIS CLASS SCHEDULE OR HIS FAV WHATSOEVER. The way he avoided me like i was a stalker. By the end of the sem, i asked for ONE PICTURE JE. His smile, FAKE NAK MAMPOS!

Oh yeah, he end up with dat b* and they BROKE UP. Why? IDK BUT LET ME PULAK ASSUME ABOUT THEM, THEY DESERVED IT!

Then, the next sem, i liked this guy, assuming he was different because at least he treated me like a friend. YES, I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS. People around us just, never satisfied with the word 'friend'. Well, not my people, his people. When his friends started to call us a thing for fun, he OF COURSE LAH STARTED TO AVOID ME. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I DIDNT SEE THAT COMING AT ALL -_-

By the end of the sem, i had crush on this freaking tall guy who turned out to be the next jerk~ Let's just save it lah. Of course lah he treated me like i am a stalker while all i know was his name by what people call.

idk people love to assume me a stalker as i tried to be a friend. yeah i like you at first impression but that does not make me as a stalker nor someone who fucking loves you. Get over yourself... NO WONDER LAH MOST OF THEM ARE STILL SINGLE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA WHO IS THE JOKE RIGHT NOW?!

ok sorry emo.

By september 2017, i started my whole new journey.

I did not hope for a new guy, and yeah, i dont want to be a lesbian too because as a girl, i know how messed up a girl is. Handling myself is hard enough, so just be in love with myself jelah.

Well, God plans well. I met H. The end <3

She is a mother of 2 children. She has a husband but refused to take care of the family properly. Here is her story as a lesson.

She is just like any other girl, who made choices and some of them were right and some were wrong. She finished her high school and got her degree. She had her first job but by that time she taught to herself, she could do better. So, she decided to quit and find something better. Her real challenging journey that she never expected to face began.

She moved out from her hometown to find a better life in the city. Got herself a few jobs and met a few guys. I guess everything is part of living. One by one of her housemate got married then it occurred to her that she wanted a family.

She met this guy. This guy did not gave up upon her even said he was willing to move back to her hometown and live there with her. This guy was willing to let go of his good job here in the city for her. He even willing to cope with every terms given by her father to marry her.

Meeting this guy must be a miracle or at least she thought.

They got married. Immediately they got a child, its a girl! Life seems okay at first but as any other marriage, you came across argument and shits. Well, she could still cope with it.

That guy was jobless... He would be out at dawn and came back at night. Almost everyday. They live in her mother's home. Thank God, she has a job till now but she knew that her job is not enough to pay for her family.

The next year, she got pregnant and this time its a boy. Two child with her income and her own house coming, it is not enough. She tried to find extra income by a small business.

Her husband, well things got worst. He is still jobless and didn't bother to raise his family. He go around doing God-knows-what and only get money for HIMSELF. To buy his cigarettes, some eggs for home (sometimes) and whatever he needs... No, he didn't bother to pay the bills, at least give his mother in law some money for taking care of his babies.

Now, she demand a divorce because it has been years he don't give money for her family and he started to raise his voice and hands on them. Guess what... he make some conditions ( HOW DARE THIS MADA...) He said,
- you must pay me back (the hantaran and such) because he deserve to marry other woman
- he want the custody of the children (even he never care to actually give money for their toys and pampers and etc)

That is not it, he even said, "Alah tak sara keluarga je. 3 Tahun je. " Things like that. How dare him........

Now, things are still in process. Yes, it is based on a real event. It is something that actually happen.

Here i wanted to say, even when you are married, he might not be the one. Trust me.... that is a sad truth.

Imagine you had given him everything including yourself as you marry a guy but some guys still take it for granted.

So, it is okay to not marry anyone as long as you don't find the right guy. As an educated and as a women itself, you have ALL the rights to get a nice guy. A guy that will take care of you and YOUR family. At least, the family.

Marrying is not about making one's life miserable.

You make mistakes. You came across bad people. Things work out differently but that does not mean its too late to change it. You can change it. You can still make better things out of it. Its gonna be rough, true. Its aren't going to be as usual, i know. If thats for the best, i dont see you have anything to loss.

Remember all women out there, you deserve to be happy. You deserve a better guy. You deserve to be treat like a queen. Everyone knows how much you had sacrificed, now reward yourself by throwing away the toxic and poisons in your life. :)

2017/early 2018

Full of ups and downs. Honestly, i would never imagine myself living the life im living right now. All i can say, if thins does not go according to your plan or at least, how you expected, it is for the best. Maybe not now, maybe later.

I would consider myself lucky despite my hard working and others.

About my degree life.

I never thought that i am going to be close with any of them. All i know its hard and i should bare it for 4 years. Alhamdulillah, the friends i got really understand me and they accept every part of me even i am far from a perfect friend. I try my best to at least make them feel like home. A person they could count on and work with. Having friends really mean a lot to me. Hopefully no immature shits happen like in school. You dont have to be mature to act the way, you just have to be rational.

Turning 20 in a few months means a lot to me. It is a new decade and a new chapter.

What i really have to stop let people get to me. I know what im doing. I know what i want. I accept opinions and such but don't expect me to act as you pleased. The thing about growing up in older siblings, they treat you like you know nothing. Sometimes, its not cool. I have like 2 weeks of holidays and they were like, "best nya cuti lama and such". Back in the days, they got longer holidays and honestly, i didn't bother much. My holidays are like all of my classes for 2 weeks are cancel. I still stay at home. I just dont have to wake up early and drive to class.

They say im lucky to be at home and eat for free. I guess financially I saved but i didn't get extra money to save. Its hard to save when the money i get is enough for me every week. I am not complaining but its the truth. I cant cut my budget for my petrol because i cant go to class without it. I spend at least rm30 for a week. The rest 20 is for my lunch. If i get some money for helping out my sister, i used it for buying my daily necessary. I mean, i can't simply asked my parents to pay for everything when i at least have a bit money to support my life. I am 20 for god sake.

Having a person that care a lot about me, yeah im talking about H. If you know me, you know who im talking about ;)

Honestly, i didn't plan to actually have someone. (one of the unplan stuff) But im glad it happened, just like me taking this course :')

As a pair, talking about the future like each tomorrow is possible is normal. Yet, my sister love to spoil each of it like she never been in love. I know that she is 10 years older than me and she experienced a lot! Like, a lot. Sometimes I would tell her about us and such because we are closed. I know she is worried about me and my studies and such. Can i just scream, I KNOW SHITS TOO....

If my study flops, its because of me, myself not because of my friends or H. Its me who don't work hard enough. I dont need a boyfriend or back stabbing friends or any important positions to drag me down in that threshold. If it happen, it is because of myself. ME.

I know as a 30 years old sister, it is relevant every word she spoke. I know that its a long way to go. I know how concerned she is about my future and my studies but how can you expect me to tell her everything when i told her that, "oh anatomy is hard because i have to remember everything and i am not really good at it." She said, " you cant choose what you like, you must remember it. Its important. At least do it for the sake of examination."

See.... I dont need a second dad. I know SHITS! Yeah i apologies THINGS ARE HARD FOR ME. I guess i should apologies for not taking medic like her because having professional job is more important in life.

In my family, pursuing passion is not taught that is why when i learned about it, it caught me. I was triggered. WOW!

I can relate why. Taking that kind of risk is A LOT!

Despite everything, sorry if i was taken away by my emotions -_-

Thanks for reading till the end <3

I still love my life. I love my family, friends, my course and everything about myself. Issues are common. Like they said, if there is not ups and downs in life it means you are dead.