I know these episodes are not as informative as I wish it would be. I'm just spilling my 'keluhan'.

Today my dad told me the stories about how he wanted to be a policeman back in the day. He sent his applications and got accepted. He was a teacher applying to be superintendent. "People had many choices during my day, even there were teachers who work at banks. One of my friends became forensic, he was a biology teacher." 

The point of his stories, he wants me to appreciate my job. He kinda knew that I'm having a rough time adjusting to the working environment. I assume. 

First paycheque. Kinda make things feel less shitty. I mean, I feel kinda great, now I can give my card to pay for the groceries items. I can feel that I'm more financially independent and a better child. 

I had a meltdown during this week actually. It was my first time counselling validation and I didn't ace it as much as I hope I would. I felt super shit cause my officer is super nice and kind. It's totally my fault for not preparing as well as I should. I know I'm being hard on myself. Without those shitty days, I wouldn't put extra effort.. As stressful as life is, I always remind myself that these bad days will be over and start better tomorrow. Mistakes are part of life. 

As much as I want things to end fast, I really need to learn everything within this period. 

Love hate feelings just always finds me wherever I go.  

 I've only been working for 5 weeks and tomorrow will be the 6th week. Of course more coming. 

I just don't understand why I feel very heavy and dreadful to be working. Is it the idea of adulting that makes me hate going to work? I mean, people don't bother me in any way that makes me uncomfortable. I was told to do things that I must do, they didn't rush me into anything with a whole lot of pressure. The pressure is there but bearable, I've been in worst situations before.

I started my degree life with this kind of feeling but it doesn't feel this shit after a month. I do feel better and kinda okay. 

Or is it because I still didn't have a proper buddy to talk to. No shoulder to turn to whenever I feel blue. 

I still don't know. 

Am I going to feel like this all the way for a year? This miserable? 

Yes, the word is miserable. I feel awful and ungrateful despite knowing some friends are actually in a worst place. No one really forces me or bully me. 

I don't want to feel like this. 

I need something there to make me feel better. Something secure. A supportive friend. At least, a person that can make me feel, a little happy. 

As I'm about to get used to a place, I go to another department. Hurm, at least after 4 months I'll rotate back to the same place. So yeah, maybe I'll find comfort by then. So far, I'm looking forward to March next year because I'll be back to the first department I work in, the place I feel safer and a bit welcome. I feel included for some time.

Pray for me. Pray that I get to finish PRP on time, without too many problems, and avoid any types of conflicts.   

 I should start preparing to sleep by now, its freaking 10pm. Yeah, I'm at the age where sleeping at 10pm is crucial but today, I'll give myself a break. I've been pilling up too much. I need to release some of those thoughts in the air. 

I'm kinda mad. I have 3 grown ass siblings but non of them actually sit down and have the 'reality check' conversation with me. Non of them told me how hard it is once you need to be the adult. The decisions you need to make. The 'i-need-to-figure-yourself' phase. All they ever told me, you just wait when it's your turn. Yeah now I have, what's next?

No one really tells you what's next. No one really wants to have the conversations like it's worthless or something. 

It's probably the caffein's talking because my shitty ass just decided to drink nescafe at night as I felt so lethargic all day long. Now I'm too pumped and probably will be hard to sleep. 

Growing up sucks. I wish someone makes a pill to ease the pain of adulting. 

Not only the fact I barely make any friends (like a lunch buddy) after almost a month here, everyday driving there also feels like shit. Its actually not bad but when you have nothing to look forward, it feels numb. 

I drive 30 minutes and feel like this, I can't imagine my dad who used to drive for almost 2 hours, there was a time, more than 2 hours to get to work. Omg..

I guess, at least it makes you appreciate what your parents ever did for you. Also the fact you understand the value of each penny. 

This may sound selfish but some part of me wish I just stayed at home and do nothing. Just live off my parents' money. I guess when you barely have time for anything else, you see 'doing nothing' as a luxury. Imagine waking up at 6, get ready by 7, work from 8 till 5pm, arrived home exhausted from working at a bit before 6pm. Then, eat, pray and rest, sleep at 10pm. Out of all the waking up hours, you only spend like less than 5 hours of not worrying too much. Yet, you still worry about tomorrow, lol

I know, reading those already make you feel dreadful.

Mindset is really important. Besides making yourself extremely busy to make the time (at work) go faster. 

Im sorry if the first phase of adulting sounds full of crap but each word is true. For me. 

Thanks for reading.