I grew up with huge year gap between my siblings. My sister about 10, my eldest brother 8 and my second brother 5. I don't really have childhood friends. I have a few neighbours that I played with during those days but we don't talk anymore. Honestly, we stop talking ever since they got into school and I was left playing alone ever since. I didn't have many friends during kindergarten.  Even if I did have any, we all live really far away from each other. 

When I entered primary school, it barely knew anyone so almost everyone I knew back then started from zero. I still hang out with some of them even now we are in our 20s. I knew some of their progress in person but at least I never felt so left out back then. We still live quite far but we meet from time to time. During those days I made friends on the school bus. That actually made me different than most of my other friends. I met different types of people there. I guess I met boys earlier than expected. I did felt left out that one time. Maybe two times. That time I still had other friends but felt a bit lonely on the bus. I was still a kid so it was not a big deal. Most of them I didn't reconnect up until now. By that time, fitting in wasn't a thing. You just enjoy your life as a kid. 

There was a time where I envied how my father cherish my elder siblings. I felt like I didn't get as much attention as they got (even now but I had moved on about it). One day I told my mum how she should have named my sister my name so I get to be the elder child, not the youngest because I hate being the youngest. I was a kid so excuse that immature ass. 

Made some best memories during those 6 years in school. 

Then the boarding school years, 5 years in total. I made an abundance of memories, bittersweet. 2011 to 2013 were the best years in school. I had fewer responsibilities and less expectations to achieve. I had less friend problems and I enjoyed my years. Friends became a problem once in awhile but it was manageable. I had my own circle and really appreciates my circle. I made some friends from other schools which was actually a bad idea. Most of them I didn't live near my house but I had some seniors who actually agreed to go out, hang out. 

In general, life had its ups and downs during those 5 years. I could make a series out of all those 5 years in school. My love life was such a mess and some other 'friend' issues. I didn't really fit in during those last 2 years in school. I had people who hated me, people disrespect me and talked bad things about me which were normal. Malay people said, asam garam kehidupan. Yet, it was enough. Whoever stood next to me was enough. Fitting in wasn't the main goal because at least I would finish school and not meet them again. How wrecked I was, I actually didn't plan to get attached to anyone on my next journey in life. 

Then foundation, matriculation. It was a brief of 10 months of my life but it was the best 10 months in my life actually. I met people who appreciate me, who values friendship like I never imagined by that time. I wanted it to last forever but studying was hard. It took a lot of hours and crying to pass matriculation. I had been rejected by a few guys without engaging them into relationships. By that time there were awfully a lot of immature guys. Even asking for a photo together could scare them. I met a friend of friend of mine. Friends were never an issue. I had a few fight but we got along back just fine. Of course I wish that friendship would last as long as getting old together. I wish nothing had changed between any of us. The most selfish thing I ever wish for is, I wish they never replace me with someone else. That was how attached I got with them.

As foundation days were over, it was time to pack the begs and restart all this get-to-know things again. Try to 'fit in'. Try to blend in. Just, survive. 

Due to some circumstances, I was the last person to register for my course. At first I knew that I needed to make effort to make friends. Unlike in matriculation, our lecture consists of 200+ people, the whole matriculation had about 2000+ students. In my course, we have 50 people in class and we do everything together. Besides that, my parents insisted I live at home and drive to campus every day. It made my plan worst. I barely making friends who actually want me because I was barely around after class. I have a curfew. 

The first year was okay. I thought it was still early to make any progress. I mean, I should try harder maybe. No one actually paid attention on how desperate I was except for H. Well, some just thought I have H so I don't need any girl friends. I was invited to one birthday party up until now. No one actually throw me any birthday celebration except my boyfriend because they never bother. I never had any proper bonding with any group of friends from my own class. In conclusion, no one actually cares how I feel about this. 

I could try as hard as I could but will end up with nothing. I have friends, I have friends I talk freely, I have close friend, I don't have a group of friends who actually cares or invite me to any outing. Even if I was invited, the time was not convenient for me to go. 

Imagine how friend-less me and H (yes H also felt like this sometimes even he is surrounded with his housemates). I'm not saying they never talk to me but I was not included in any social groups.

I'm in no place to force people to do so because I just want people to 'want' to invite me instead of doing it because of sympathy. 

So,

If you are not invited to my special days, any special days, just know you guys never cared before. 

If I was not invited, I'm fine because I got used to it ever since we knew each other.  

So dream something weird last night after Fajr prayer. I only remember only half of the dream but it's good enough for me to actually write a short story regarding it. 

I dreamt I talked to my friend who I barely talk even when we were in school together. He was a very popular boy because of his mysterious vibes and he was (still) good looking. He didn't socialize much with girls. 

I saw him like in a gathering. He still has the cold vibes but he didn't ignore me. He even spent a lot of time with me in the dream. He was soft-spoken and a real gentleman. The fact this dream actually made me felt something, I just knew that I needed to write something about it.

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I went to a camp with zero expectations and 100% being forced.  My mum told me I should make more friends, socialise. It's exhausting to be surrounded by unknown people and sing, dance with them. Well, its either that or I must stay with Grandma.

As I arrived, I saw other parents sending their children with a smile because they could come home to empty house and no trouble. I was sent to a room filled with single beds with no private space. You only have space to walk between the beds to get into or get out of the room. I guess they expect you do everything on your bed. 

This camp was 5 days 4 nights. I'm not sure what was it about, maybe something about bonding souls. I KNOW IT SOUNDS RIDICULOUS. 

I went out for a walk. This campsite is a typical type because it is surrounded by woods and located near the river bank. As I was walking near the water, I saw a boy who looks familiar. OMG it was Micheal. Micheal went to the same school and we had a few classes together. We never talk because both of us don't really socialize with people. What makes Micheal known in our batch is the fact he is good looking but his heart is as cold as ice. He never smiles even to teachers. He didn't join any sports but still has a damming body. This was what I heard. 

I barely have friends at school. I just prefer not to have any. 

Suddenly Micheal turned his back and he saw me.

"You look familiar."

Instead of saying anything back, I just walked away. I didn't feel obligated to respond to him. I barely know him. I just want to get through these 5 days without really involve with anyone. 

The first assembly.

I seat with my roommates. I barely remembered their names but at least I recognize their faces. I saw Micheal from afar. I guess he had made some friends because some of them are talking to him. We were told that we needed to be in a group of 5 consists of both males and females. We got the chance to be in any group we want. As we were allowed to start recruiting other members, everyone panic. They all rushed while I just stood there. I don't mind being the last one to be picked or even being on my own. Instead, Micheal walked to me and said to his other groupmates, she's cool. I greet the other groupmates, we have Sara, Jason, Harry, Micheal and Me. We (they) voted  Micheal as the leader for our group. As the leaders were called to pick our first assignment, everyone (girls) looked at Micheal. Even though we were in a different place but the attention Micheal attracted was the same.

After we finish the activity for the night, we were allowed to rest for the night. As I was walking back to my cabin, 

"Racheal, wait up." (Micheal)

I just stood there while he walks towards me.

"I know we go to the same school. I hope we get along here because I barely know other people."

'Me too. I'm sorry I ignored you earlier.'

"I would do the same. See you tomorrow. Night."

'Night'

It's very surreal to have Micheal addressing me casually here. Even we barely know each other.

==============================================

Day 2

1. Jungle tracking (morning)

2. Learn about saving drowning people (after lunch)

3. Discussion about Talent Night (after dinner)

============================================

Day 3

1. Tressure hunting (morning)

2. Canoeing (after lunch)

3. Night walk (after dinner)

==========================================

Day 4

1. Flying fox and survival lessons (morning till after lunch)

2. Free time. 

===========================================

Day 5 (final day)

1. Last assembly

2. Last preparation for Talent Night

3. Talent Night

=========================================

Day 6

Saying goodbye 

Let me summarise what actually happened during those days. 

Day 2. During jungle tracking, Micheal almost slipped but I caught his hand. I'm not sure if I saw it right but he seems to be blushing. That night, we decided to do 'Modern Romeo and Juliet' as our performance. Obviously, Micheal as Romeo while Sara as the Juliet. I'm happy to do most of the props because I have stage fright. 

Day 3. We started our tressure hunting ahead of other groups because Micheal managed to pick number 1. I felt while running to the last pitstop because I stepped on my shoelace. I hurt my knee real bad. Micheal carried me ALONE until we got to the last stop. I cried while he carries me on his back because I was afraid to see my own blood. I was given a break from canoeing because of my injuries. Micheal appeared in front of my cabin with dinner in the tapuwer. He said nothing. He just knocked on the door and left the food. I couldn't lie, it made my heart moved. I was flattered.

Day 4. We were asked to catch our own fish and cooked it. It was the first time I saw a smile on Micheal's face as he caught the first fish for our team. My careless ass cut my index finger while cleaning the fish. I immediately screamed and cried. Well, this time, Harry came to rescue because Micheal was busy fishing. 

During free time, a lot of girls came to our group practice to see Micheal performing with the Romeo outfit I sew. He looked charming, thanks to me. I styled his hair like how Korean oppa would look. I'm kinda happy I see how all the props were coming together. 

Day 5. Everything when well actually. We won the best bonding group because we finished the tressure hunting first. Overall, Micheal did kill his part as the Romeo and got Best Actor award for the night. The highlight of the night:

I saw girls line up to take pictures with Micheal. Instead of joining the line, I walked away. I saw the moon was bright and beautiful in the sky. The surrounding, away from the crowds while the river streams sound so loud as if it is singing. I sat near the river bay, admiring nature. Out of the blue, I hear footsteps approaching. It was, Jason. 

'What are you doing here alone?'

"Just enjoying my own company."

'I barely hear you talk during our time here. The sense of mystery you had given me actually attracts some guys.'

"Oh. Well, I'm afraid it's goodbye. I barely speak because I prefer not too. Nothing mystery about me that would interest you or any other guys."

'Even Micheal finds you, hurm, different. '

"-speechless-"

'It's getting late so, get back to your cabin before you get into any trouble.'

"You go first. Jason, I appreciate our conversation. *smile*"

Jason just smiled back. 

I sat there for another solid 10 minutes, I heard another footstep coming. As I turned, I saw.. Micheal.

"Do you mind?"

'Not at all. I'm about to leave anyway.'

"Can you stay?"

'Sure, why not.'

"I need to be honest with you. I think you're cool."

'I know. You said that before introducing me to your friends.'

"I mean, I mean, I admire you."

'Thanks? I'm not sure what you're trying to say.'

"Actually, I was so relieved to see you. I thought, at least I have someone to talk to. You were hopeless at first. Haha!"

'Haha.. I'm sorry.'

"No, no need to apologize. I admire how you were not afraid to be yourself. We barely know each other even after 5 days stuck together. I also aware that we never speak at school but can we give it a chance? I respect your space if you decline me. I guess I'm ready to try this out. Something out of a friendship."

'Is this a confession? I ... I think we can try it. -pause- I don't really know how this works but I guess I'm ready too. '

We didn't even look at each other while we talk. Yet, I could sense his smile.

Just like that, we got together and now, we are still together!

 It had been a few months since we actually see each other. We are officially out as a couple because we decided we don't need other's approval to hold hands or kiss in public. We can be happy and others can suck it up!

I guess my dad already noticed Aidan picking and dropping me home. He hasn't said anything about it YET because this thing never happened before. I'm not trying to hide Aidan from my family but I'm not ready for 'the conversation'. 

Let me be real honest, since Aidan and I officially came out as a couple... some girls did took interest in him as if he's a popular guy in school. He received a few notes in his locker and the look they gave him in the hallway EVEN when i'm right beside him. I hate to mention it but Nancy, yes, you guess it right. Nancy slowly trying to get close to Aidan. She even changed her desk with some guy to sit closer to Aidan. We didn't hang out ever since, maybe the library incident. I know I shouldn't be overthinking but knowing he gains tons of attention indeed made me anxious sometimes. 

D kept on telling me that I shouldn't worry about that because Aidan is devoted to our relationship more than I imagine. Maybe I should give it a break and enjoy my life. 

Today Aidan asked me out to the park for some kind of mini picnic after school. As the bell rings, I rush to the parking lot. I saw Aidan talking to Nancy ... he is smiling and .... is he blushing? Then Nancy walked away.

'Hey! Let's go.'

"Hey, you're kinda early huh. I need to fetch some supplies."

'Ok.'

He starts the engine. We stop at a waltmart to buy things to eat at the park.

"You're pretty silent today. Did something happen?"

'I saw you talking to Nancy. What were you guys talking about?'

"Oh, that. Nothing. Nothing important."

-silence-

"Are you jealous?"

'Should I be?'

"I don't think so. She was making jokes about Mr James in Spanish. His wig moved while he was writing on the board (laughs) . "

'You guys were walking together from class to your car?'

"Yes. Is that a problem?"

-silence-

'I should leave. I don't feel like going to the park. I'll take the bus.' (Starts to walk away)

"Wait, (hold my arm) I'm sorry if you're not happy with me talking to Nancy. I'll keep that in mind. I appreciate your honesty with your feelings. Is there anything else I should know about?"

'I don't feel comfortable with you getting the attention of others lately. I feel insecure sometimes. Yes, I am jealous. *sigh* I just, -a pause- the fact you had a major crush on Nancy... Now she's making herself available to you ... It's just doesn't add up well. Why now?'

"Hey, I know you had a lot in your mind lately. I can promise you that you have nothing to worry about. I have noooooo feelings at all to any of those girls even Nancy. I'm with you now. I am lucky enough to be given the chance to be with you. Let's not let others ruin what we have.'

'I know but, it had not been easy for me lately. I'm, sorry if I'm being too paranoid or exhausting to you. I just..'

"You are not exhausting, at least I'm aware of this. Hey, come here, *tiptoe, tried to kiss my forehead* 

'You're cute. Hahahaha!'

That's how he would act whenever he had lost his words to consult me. It is silly but it always works. It made me feel better. 

We left the waltmart. He drove us to the park. The park is filled with kids playing at the playground and some dads playing catch with their sons. It's just a normal park.

It took five minutes or so for us to actually start talking with each other. I'm a talker but whenever I'm with Aidan, I just prefer how he starts the conversation. Sometimes, he would say a word and I would pretend I didn't hear it and it goes from there. Some other time, he would stay silent until I decide to go back. I guess his presence is good enough for me to feel, safe? Maybe less alone. 

"You see that kid over there, I think we share the same height but he is definitely younger.. Do you think I'll grow taller or ... it's already game over for me? Maybe I should get a knee surgery or something."

'Hahahahaha! I don't think you had stopped growing. Maybe puberty is just stuck in traffic. You'll be taller! Trust me. Guys stop growing when they reach 20, around that I guess. Unlike me, I had stopped growing in height. One day you maybe you don't have to tiptoe anymore.'

"I will still tiptoe for you. Anything for you *making his cute face*."

'Good for you. Aidan, you do know you are free to hang out with your friends. I'm fine if you need some space.'

"I know and you too, can do the same. I rarely see D with you."

'She's busy lately. She said she needed to make extra money for college but I think she's seeing someone because I went by her workplace the other day and they said she's not in today. I respect her privacy so I think when she's ready, she will tell me about it.'

"I thought you guys talk about everything to each other. What do you think she's hiding from you?"

'It must be important because she never did that since... nevermind. We still talk during lunch.'

"Go hang out with her tomorrow. Maybe she wants your company but you are not available."

'I always make myself available for her. Even when I'm with you.'

-silent-

"Be honest with me. Do you think our relationship could go far?"

'Honestly, I'm not sure. I think if I lose you now, I could still breathe. My mind would still be sane. The thought of you being with someone else would disturb me but I could get through it. Am I making any sense? Why do you ask so suddenly? Do you think I'm not serious about us?'

"Nancy asked me out.."

'Oh. (pause) So what now?'

"I already said I'm not available anymore. I just, I just want to know if you have faith in us. We had been together for about three months now. We barely talk about us. I'm not rushing us but I need to know for sure about your thoughts."

'I don't get it. I feel like you are not telling me how you feel about us. Just, *looks away* tell me what you have in your mind right now. I bet declining Nancy was not as easy as you said you did. You must have had doubts about us because or else, why are you telling me now? I thought I made myself clear how uncomfortable I felt when we talk about Nancy in particular.'

"I'm just expressing.."

'Just cut to the chase Aidan. You want to give Nancy a shot. You want to know how it feels being with her. You want to relive your imaginations about her. You always have Nancy in the back of your mind even when you're with me. I can see it in your eyes how sometimes ... *bite lips* it looks like you're not here when you're with me. Maybe, I don't know, do you imagine me as Nancy when we ... when we ... when we're together?'

"No! Never! Ah.. why.. why do you need to go that far? I mean, *sigh* am I that pathetic?"

'I don't know. You tell me.'

"Now you're just pissing me off."

'I need to go.' 

I just started to walk away. Aidan didn't even stop me. 

I took the bas home. It got me thinking along the way. Am I being too jealous? I am overreacting the fact Aidan still had some feelings for Nancy? Am I in love with him already? *sigh* Maybe I should give him more space or I should let him chase his dream girl as I'm just holding him back.

I know my feelings matter but, what if he is just being kind. He stays because he felt that I'm too lonely by my own. 

I should at least tell D about this. Maybe she could give me an insight on what should I do next. Shit, i missed my stop. I got off the bas the next stop which is about 10 minutes walk from home. 

I saw Aidan's car. He waited for me? I guess I'm overreacting just now.

'Ai...da..' I saw Aidan is in the car with someone ... and the shadow of making out ... two people kissing.. I can't stop myself from walking to the rear window.

It's Nancy....

'Aidan.'

Both of them seems shock to see me. Aidan quickly push Nancy aside and he step out from the driver's seat.

"It's not like what you think."

'It's kinda obvious what's happening right now. You didn't seems force at all, the kiss surely seems more like eating eat other's tongue.'

"I made a mistake..."

'The moment you kissed her back, you had made the choice to end us. I mean, *shook my head* near my house? Are you that eager to show me that you had choosen Nancy? We're done here. Get out from here. I don't want to see your face anymore. '

"Stef, please, listen to me. I made a mistake!"

Life is full of surprise. I managed to hold my tears until I got into my room. I managed to cry silently. I thought .. forget it.