I grew up with huge year gap between my siblings. My sister about 10, my eldest brother 8 and my second brother 5. I don't really have childhood friends. I have a few neighbours that I played with during those days but we don't talk anymore. Honestly, we stop talking ever since they got into school and I was left playing alone ever since. I didn't have many friends during kindergarten. Even if I did have any, we all live really far away from each other.
When I entered primary school, it barely knew anyone so almost everyone I knew back then started from zero. I still hang out with some of them even now we are in our 20s. I knew some of their progress in person but at least I never felt so left out back then. We still live quite far but we meet from time to time. During those days I made friends on the school bus. That actually made me different than most of my other friends. I met different types of people there. I guess I met boys earlier than expected. I did felt left out that one time. Maybe two times. That time I still had other friends but felt a bit lonely on the bus. I was still a kid so it was not a big deal. Most of them I didn't reconnect up until now. By that time, fitting in wasn't a thing. You just enjoy your life as a kid.
There was a time where I envied how my father cherish my elder siblings. I felt like I didn't get as much attention as they got (even now but I had moved on about it). One day I told my mum how she should have named my sister my name so I get to be the elder child, not the youngest because I hate being the youngest. I was a kid so excuse that immature ass.
Made some best memories during those 6 years in school.
Then the boarding school years, 5 years in total. I made an abundance of memories, bittersweet. 2011 to 2013 were the best years in school. I had fewer responsibilities and less expectations to achieve. I had less friend problems and I enjoyed my years. Friends became a problem once in awhile but it was manageable. I had my own circle and really appreciates my circle. I made some friends from other schools which was actually a bad idea. Most of them I didn't live near my house but I had some seniors who actually agreed to go out, hang out.
In general, life had its ups and downs during those 5 years. I could make a series out of all those 5 years in school. My love life was such a mess and some other 'friend' issues. I didn't really fit in during those last 2 years in school. I had people who hated me, people disrespect me and talked bad things about me which were normal. Malay people said, asam garam kehidupan. Yet, it was enough. Whoever stood next to me was enough. Fitting in wasn't the main goal because at least I would finish school and not meet them again. How wrecked I was, I actually didn't plan to get attached to anyone on my next journey in life.
Then foundation, matriculation. It was a brief of 10 months of my life but it was the best 10 months in my life actually. I met people who appreciate me, who values friendship like I never imagined by that time. I wanted it to last forever but studying was hard. It took a lot of hours and crying to pass matriculation. I had been rejected by a few guys without engaging them into relationships. By that time there were awfully a lot of immature guys. Even asking for a photo together could scare them. I met a friend of friend of mine. Friends were never an issue. I had a few fight but we got along back just fine. Of course I wish that friendship would last as long as getting old together. I wish nothing had changed between any of us. The most selfish thing I ever wish for is, I wish they never replace me with someone else. That was how attached I got with them.
As foundation days were over, it was time to pack the begs and restart all this get-to-know things again. Try to 'fit in'. Try to blend in. Just, survive.
Due to some circumstances, I was the last person to register for my course. At first I knew that I needed to make effort to make friends. Unlike in matriculation, our lecture consists of 200+ people, the whole matriculation had about 2000+ students. In my course, we have 50 people in class and we do everything together. Besides that, my parents insisted I live at home and drive to campus every day. It made my plan worst. I barely making friends who actually want me because I was barely around after class. I have a curfew.
The first year was okay. I thought it was still early to make any progress. I mean, I should try harder maybe. No one actually paid attention on how desperate I was except for H. Well, some just thought I have H so I don't need any girl friends. I was invited to one birthday party up until now. No one actually throw me any birthday celebration except my boyfriend because they never bother. I never had any proper bonding with any group of friends from my own class. In conclusion, no one actually cares how I feel about this.
I could try as hard as I could but will end up with nothing. I have friends, I have friends I talk freely, I have close friend, I don't have a group of friends who actually cares or invite me to any outing. Even if I was invited, the time was not convenient for me to go.
Imagine how friend-less me and H (yes H also felt like this sometimes even he is surrounded with his housemates). I'm not saying they never talk to me but I was not included in any social groups.
I'm in no place to force people to do so because I just want people to 'want' to invite me instead of doing it because of sympathy.
So,
If you are not invited to my special days, any special days, just know you guys never cared before.
If I was not invited, I'm fine because I got used to it ever since we knew each other.
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