A Great Girl

Am i great? huh? nonsense.i am just being friendly not great. i like having so many friends with me. anyway, my name is Julia and i am 14 for another two weeks. i mean my birthday is coming soon. not that im going to die. i think so.

many people think i am great but actually im just being myself. i hate to be fake. but most of the girls think that the way i am now is just to grab attention of the boys especially the soccer and the football(rugby) boys. that is so NOT ME! and i train myself to ignore those jealousy girls.

i use to go to school wearing t-shirt with sweater and black jeans and shoes not sandal. i am kinda tomboy but that is just how i wear. i dont have boyfriend and i like being single.i have 2 bestie. its syam and nyna and both of them are asian. i like being friend with asian as they are open minded.

ok, even i am kinda tomboy i still have feeling towards a boy. his name is mark. he is one of the soccer boy. i prefer soccer boy because they are not so muscular and have cute face. i like cute and smart. he also have blood connection of korean. so he is mixed with american and korean so he look so damn cute. he have black short hair and blue eyes. he have white teeth as he like to smile so much. he is a friendly guy but i never talk to him. hello, he is one of the hottest boy in school. no matter how great i am i dont have the guts to talk to him. i like to look at him from far away and he never realize that. but everything kinda change since this year because he got a new locker which is beside mine and......we go to the same classes. i mean, 2 subject, english and mathermatic. both of that subject i like but i used to see him sleeping during those classes so maybe he never knew my existed.

syam already have a fantastic girl friend which is my other best friend, nyna. both of them deserve each other. kinda like movies because they start to become best friend with me and they get to know each other. and on last valentine, syam told nyna he love her and want to be her only special one. and nyna agreed and they couple until now. i already warn they that no couple conversation in front of me. and that is our deal. i am happy for they but also jealous because since they get together, i kinda have feeling to find a boy friend but the only person who get my attetion was mark and i like i said, it is impossible to have him as my boyfriend. hate love story!

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s: what are you thinking
j:not much actually.
n: syam, she is staring at mark.dont disturb her.
j: hey! am not! i just think of having a boyfriend. i also want someone special.
s:oh, you want me to help?
n:hey, how about dennis. he likes you.
j: no thinks syam. i dont want a nerd boy friend. nyna, he is that super weird guy. he likes everyone. see, he is following jessica. after this he will hunt myra. he likes every single girl.
s: so you are saying im nerd?
j:kinda but you still have nyna so you are not that nerd.
n: yeah i can see that.

suddenly a guy walk towards us with his tray.

d: hey, can i join? everywhere already full.
J: sure. you are the new guy right?
d: yeah!
n: you are the asian kid right? i saw you joining that club. i mean our club.
d: u-huh. i am from south-korea. my dad was a britain man but he married my mum the korean girl. but at last we move american because my dad work here. he got promoted.
j: great! you can be our friends if you want too. we are not the popular guys. we always stay lay-low.
d: sure. after this i got maths class. can you show me?
j: no problem. follow me cause we are in the same class.
d: great!
d:im daniel
j: julia

we talk and for some unknown reason, nyna and syam is smiling at me.

he is an active boy because he answer most of the questions.he sit beside me and the girls are staring at him. but i am so busy staring at mark. mark and daniel are like twins because they look more alike.

after school, i walk back home. my house is just a stone's throw from school. so i usually will walk or ride my bike.

i plug on my ear phone and start singing. then i feel someone grab my shoulder. i cant believe my eye that it is mark.

m: hey!
J: yeah...can i help you?
m: nothing. i think this is yours? ( a notebook)
j: this is my diary! where did you found it?
m: relax. you just drop it. im just walking behind you.i didn't read even the cover. i pick it up.
j:oh, thanks. (relieve)
m: no problem. (he walk away)

seriously, i stare at him until he is really far away. suddenly i hit someone in front. my eyes is looking someone else so i dont realize people in front of me.

j:ops, sorry.(look up) daniel?
d: next time, look in front not behind my dear.
j: sorry man.
d: its fine. so where did you leave?
j: another two blocks and on 3rd floor. you?
d: i think opposite you house. looks like we are neighbor huh?
j: yeah. excellent!

so we walk and talk. we get to know each other and i find daniel is kinda interesting boy. he play guitar, enjoy reading and writing, likes basketball, like purple color and believe in fate and god. he also have so any common things with me.haha! he gave me his phone number. i mean we exchange phone number.

the next day.

i when to school as usual but this time i go with daniel. he wait for me. i didn't asked and he said that he want someone to accompany him. i just say, ok and no problem.

yeah, everyone look as us like we are a couple. this time the girls look at me like im the wrong man. hello! he is my neighbor. what do expect huh?

j: i think you better walk on your own. people seems to hate me when i walk with you.
d: huh? ignore them. your are my friend so is it wrong?
j: fine..
d: julia, its fine ok. we are friend not criminal that ran away from prison. no one is guilty.
j: gee...thanks. kinda make me better.

you know. the way he comfort me like im his girl friend. oh no! here come the love syndrome...no, i like mark not daniel.

now im fighting with my own thoughts. great!

to be honest....i am having a problem. maybe more than one.

i want to solve it but things just getting worse. im being patient about it but negative thoughts keep on pop in my mind. so...it is just the same thing. any idea how to solve it?

i am being a nice person. but they take advantage on that or they will only look at my dark side. hey like you don't have any dark side. yes, i am trying to be nice but the bad attitude of mine , you cannot argue or complain as that is the part of me.

im trying to be a friend but you take me like a stranger. fine! like i really want to be your friend. i can find other person lah! i just want to say that im sorry why is it so hard for you to accept it? just say, its fine. so i will feel piece.

why people that we care just cannot get it?

Today is raya haji and i just realize aka met a f3 boy which is officially my cousin. haha!

i was stuck at school for less then 3 weeks and so many things had happen.

1st
one of my secret already explode! and people start making fun of me. nice!

2nd
next year i will be 15 but that 'nice' big people took away our freedom. i always think, they never been nice to us why we should be nice to they. no matter how much deed we make they only look at our mistakes. i just want to say, look at the mirror lah dulu kawan!

3rd
my aunt said that i look older than my age. is that a compliment or not? did i look old?

4rd
connect with 2nd. got new 'great' rules before going back. things just get 'better'.

5th
i wanted to trust one guy but...he just betray my trust. and i want to apologize to a guy but he just cannot get it. why boys are like.....no comment...

haha! complicated life. trying to solve it like solving maths problem but i just dont get the formula.

my advised: better solve something before it get worse. be brave with your life.

As i told u guys yesterday about a boy. today i stalk his facebook. and i saw his pictures...the picture he upload on my birthday this year and he wore the same cloth as we first met. take a look but don't take him.




yeah that is him, covering his face. he is a cute guy and also a friendly boy. he is also a sbp student.as we all know that basket and debate will clash on hksbp but this guy and me still enter both but on the competition, we must choose. i will choose debate then basketball because in debate team we have limited of members.

the first time i talk with him is kinda simple.we talk after i asked him about the basket thing. we talk about results, debate and stuff going around. but i don't have the chance to say goodbye to him before i leaf. so, it kinda make me cannot forget about him until now.

he is an intelligent boy with cute face and kinda tall and he is also a prefect.

hurm...u think can someone like him or hiimself will like someone like me. being friendly is....actually hurting because it is like yo are giving hope which actually you just to be friend...so, u get what i mean..

#wondering~

i hate when i have to make a so damn tough decision on my own..handle my problem alone...no one will understand me...no one want too..things are difficult for me. i mean, Allah is testing me. i just need some strength to handle this stress but no one want to lean their hand. things are just so damn negative to me. nothing seem to be easy. everything is like so damn hard. i just want things to be simple but the more simple i want the harder it be.

how can i trust someone that never want to say that they don't do it. i kinda on crush on you but you just keep on letting me down. i know that we just know each other but...i just want you to be honest. is that so damn hard? i don't want you to be my boyfriend but i just need you to be honest. if it is true, i'm just going to be sad but im not going to be angry........why are you doing this to me?

basket or debate? both i enjoy but...........i must choose only one. basketball, yeah, i love sport like so much.but the seniors..i just did one mistake but until now they just seem to never let it go. then you make me like this...many hurting words you tell the others about me. hating me, making the eyes...never want to be friendly..i want to apologize but.the way you looking at me is like 'no matter how much you say sorry, we are never going to accept it...'yeah, thanks for that. serious, i mean it.

debate,,,because of debate i met this guy. i mean a cute guy. he is a basketball player, have great result, weak i math like me, friendly and just great for me. he is enough. if i can see how complete he is, other girls in his school can also see that so, i predict that maybe someone already own him. i know that i don't deserve a complete guy like him. cause we are just not in the same level.

boys? you all know that i had crush on many guys but...the only ONE i love is...' mr future-husband...and that guys seems to be not-so-friendly...maybe being friend with them is enough.

the thing is, i don't know why but i always think things so negatively so,,,,thats why i'm easily emotional.

when i'm happy about something, it would last long. something will make me sad and i will think that i had made a bad decision. the guilty feeling is like poison with no healer. it will crawl in my body. when i like someone that i think perfect, i will imagine that he already have a girlfriend which is better than me. i mean, the same level as him. i don't think that i deserve someone that is not in the same level (high level).

i don't know, what ever. what can make me calm? Pray, Pray . Maybe talk to ejat...