Life is hard currently. I dont even use past tense because it is very hard. We had a lot to do in such a short time. I barely surviving it right now. That is just how hard it is. Thinking about giving up every second you were in despair.

I envy whoever managed to chill during this sem. I have 2 chemistry subject, 1 research paper w presentation, pharmacotherapy 3 also not being nice to us. Semua tajuk sumbat this year because next year you dont have the time. Hoping next sem will be better but id think so because have law exam.

It is so exhausting. I know im complaining and whining like a little shit who just cannot chill right now.

I hope i dont hit rock bottom this sem. Barely have a proper time to sit and study properly. It is my fault for procrastinating whenever i could because i am soooo tired finishing projects, assignments, reports etc etc.

Please pray for this seketul sis who is so tired. Pray for us all.

i'll update if i survive.

It is always scary to try something new. I tried a few new things in my life this year. I feel like this is the most productive year ever. The last time I was this active maybe around 2014. It does feel like time flies so fast, now we are a few days to end school and in a few weeks we will enter December.

The experience of working in a few departments were such a ground breaking for me. Honestly, I don't imagine i would grow this much this year.

Actually i wanted to write about my first week working as a trainee in community pharmacy. I am not going to expose where i had my practical in this story. Briefly, this pharmacy operated since i can remember and actually wayyyy earlier than that. My friend and I went there about in late September this year to ask if they would accept us as trainees and Mr N said okay immediately that day. Fast forward to last week, we had 5 days of our training and another 5 more to go.

I felt time does flies so fast. Trying to catch up.

You see now, i though of playing with my make up but i decided i just dont feel like wasting my night like that. Then, i though i needed to finish my lab or write something about the place im working. I'll just do my lab later :') I know i could do my report about my 5 days in the report that i must summit but ill do that later too. Need to blow the dust here first. Ok continue.

The first day was such a blurred day. We were asked to come at 9 so we came a bit early and had to wait for almost half an hour till it actually opened. LOL The fist day, a few customers came in and we suddenly had to dip in too. We barely know what to do. We waited for Mr N to arrive and the first thing we were asked was to observe a patient while Mr N took his fasting glucose and bp. He asked, ok ni test apa? ( this customer hasn't eat so its fasting gbl which took us a few mumbling to get it right). Then, what is the safe range? (krik krik) ok lah 4.4-5.8 (akan ingat sampai mati kot). Next, if after makan, bape range? (hentam hentam) salah, 4.4-7.8 Bp lak? Systolic dapat la 120-140. Blur gile. We had a lot of people coming in and out so suddenly its 12pm. We said, we will go out at 1pm. 1 hour of recess.

Even in the first day we had dispense a few poison c drugs. Mostly antihistamine. We were given the first duty to see layout of pharmacy and construct it.

Generally, we need to know what is place there, why and where each things are. How to label and every simple things that the employer can do, you must do it. If you ever doubt yourself, ASK. Yeah, make sure you know about your latin abbreviation :') Mr N targetted me on day 2 and 3 because i couldn't answer it properly. I was nervous so i tend to doubt about bd, tds.

Day 1: Layout
Day 2: Antihistamine, analgesics. The locations of drugs. See the store.
Day 3: Test (Bp, glucose). Briefly about common prescriptions. OCP
Day 4: Prescription and topical for inflammation
Day 5: Eye drops. BPH.

We learnt a lot. We came across some sorts of customers. Most of them are old folks.

It is important to know who you could ask and their names. Try to always help them and if they said no, then don't sibuk sibuk nak buat juga.

It is ALSO important to learn about OFF-LABEL for some medications. Off label means people taking it for the side effect. Example,

Domperidone is for stomach problem but for mothers who wanted to milk their babies but dont have enough milk, this meds could cause lactation and of course you need stimulation.

Cytotac is for gastric but due to its effect it contracts the uterus, people used it for abortion. NO PEOPLE, IM JUST SHARING INFO for the sake of KNOWLEDGE. The bleeding could damage uterus and you could bleed or death and never be pregnant ever.

Caverta to treat pulmonary arterial hypertension but some 'men' used it to increase their sexual drive and makes them 'last long'. Your heart could go so fast that you die while having sex.

Some pharmacies needed to survive so they don't mind selling those without prescriptions. They BURN THEIR FUCKING INTEGRITY. We do have some of it but it will be dispense with prescriptions.

Well, thats all i could share, Maybe when its over, ill do a second part.

I feel like we dont talk much about it and when this movie came out, we see a lot of different reactions. I saw most people i know hated it but as i saw it myself, it was brilliant!

The main theme about this movie would be about status and mental illness. It is easy to spot who you should blamed and how the 'system' is just corrupted. OK, imagine a pyramid where the hierarchy system still exist. You see, the ones supporting the 'high rank' people is the one on the bottom! If they choose to rebel and not do their jobs, the ones on top will be the one who will suffer the most. Why? Because they have a lot to loose! While on the bottom, you see, you can choose to not be there.

That's why the opening, they mentioned how all those rubbish in town (the people dont want to come to work) destroy the views, the smell and business out of customers, showed that the people actually have 'power'. You still have the rights to get what you demand for! Those who called themselves 'leaders' underestimate the power of civilians.

Now, let's focus to Joker. You ever saw anyone who just 'had enough'. Like one day, FUCK IT! That's the definition of joker.

1. He have mental illness which of course, not everyone understands and hopes he would act 'like normal people'.
2. How people are always mean to him and never bothers about how he would feel. You will see backstabber, bullies and just almost everything about being mean.
3. He had a therapist who actually dont listen. Who dont give a damn much about him even as a patient and how easy government cut funds that actually helping the poor. As long as you save money, who cares about 'those in needs', right?
4. How people take credits of making fun of other people. Oh if they do it its fine, if we do it, it is soooo wrongggg.

He was in a lot of trouble and most of it did not came by itself, it was because of other people being shit!
1. Those kids. What they did okay?
2. Randall. Which deserves karma like YASSSSSS.
3. His mother tho. I just cant...
4. Thomas Wayne who fucking deserve to die even not on Joker's hand.
5. The host show. Maulder? Maddy? idk the name. He was his hero who turns out to be a jerk afterall.
6. Those wall streets' guy. Well, you get what you give.

Don't place yourself as the 'victims' but place yourself in joker's shoes. He IS the VICTIM after all.

If people are nice to each other, things like these could be prevented.

I would be mad if a someone diagnosed with mental illness go around killing people without any good reason. Joker, he was treated badly. His mother lied to his face and all those horrible people. Dont lie to me if you said you never felt like pulling the trigger towards a shitty person. The thing is, joker just did it.

Besides, he had a rough childhood. Honestly, after all the criminal minds and mindhunter episodes, childhood plays important roles. A monster was never born itself, something must have triggered it.

Now, i know my words are just words but i hope it will mean something to you.

Please be nice to everyone. Try to avoid being the shitty person you hate. Please apologies as often as you could if even you know its wrong to do the bad thing you did.

First thing first, people should take note that volunteering and organizing an event is two different things. Volunteer means we are given certain task to HELP the organizer. The organizer or the staff is the head and they know most of the progress of the event. Thus, do not COMPLAINT to volunteers because we can't do ANYTHING about it. Be nice to volunteers if you are in any competition or an event.

It was my second time volunteering for a huge event. The first time was for SUKMA 2018 in Perak and i was in charge for opening and closing days. Of course the opening requires more work and preparation (rehearsals) and late night home journey. I discovered that i actually have the balls to go home late night. Yet for Spartan, it requires less time in preparation but we worked the whole day during the event.

Payment. Sukma paid us RM50 per day since we checked in, Spartan paid RM60 per day. Sukma required a few days of working but we only work in the evening like 6pm to 11pm as all the rehearsals and the opening, closing were in the evening. Sukma was a HUGE event like an olympic for Malaysia and some neighbor countries as guest competitors. So, the money was from the government. Spartan was more to private organiser. The day we arrived was the day we were separated into our duties. We can't really choose what to do as they choose people based on numbers needed. Example, 30 girls for festival - 15 for registration, 5 for merchandise, 5 for bla bla. If we are lucky, we get the nice job which have less sunburn.

I summaries SUKMA volunteer. We filled a form about almost a year before the event. They would checked our record if we had any criminals record. Then we were called for 2 days of volunteering courses, by that time we knew we would be in which part ( opening & closing, medic, doping department, etc) and we could request to change with solid reason or you could bailed out. Whoever absence or didn't stay until the end of the seminars will not be chosen. Lastly, we gather a few days earlier to know which is our main duty and we also got 2 tshirts, a cap, a beg and a volunteer tag. The payments were given according to how may days you came and at informed place. We got cash. Certificate also provided. In total i got RM200 for 4 days of duty. Meals were not provided btw.

Spartan was so much fun and I really really enjoyed it! Of course more than SUKMA. Firstly because we were working with an international company. Spartan is a well-known event and most of the participants are foreigners. It was held in Lost world of Tambun. Mainly i worked in registration for both days and helped at the finisher. We could choose to work either saturday or sunday or both days. I sign up for both because i just want to (LOL).

Saturday, 20/7/2019

Got up at 1 am to be there all prepared at least before 3am because we were told that we need to get our tshirt first. Of course i was so fucking early. From my house to LWOT, i needed to use the highway which during that fucking early was filled with crazy motorist ( rempit lumba haram) which had the bright white as their front light. Both saterday and sunday. We needed to give out a waiver to them as proof we know the risk volunteering for this event. We might get hurt so we can't sue them and we must accept the help if needed.

About 4am, ( i know i woke up at 1 am to wait) we had our morning from the organizer and was assigned to particular duty. I got to handle kids race. Honestly, it was much easier and less sunburn (LOL). Overall most of the parents were okay. We were given breakfast and some snacks which we didn't have much time eating. About 11pm where there are no more kids to register, i got to catch some brief power nap. At around 2pm, i walked to finisher where they gave medals,drinks and tshirts to the racers, helped them clean up that place. Overall, first day finished around 6pm. It was okay.

At 5pm, we walked around LWOT. Got into the swing boat, the roller coster and just enjoyed the park. Enjoy the free entrance while we could.

Sunday, 21/7/2019

Woke up at 2am and was there on time to sign in. We needed to sign in and out as proof to get our payment later. This time i still get to be in register because on this day we only have 2 category ( beast and ultra), long-distance. We were told we might finished at 8pm. It was less hustle and more less like yesterday. The last race started at 11am thus we closed counter at 11am too. It was still early to go back so the organizer gave us different jobs later. Instead of asking for the next job, i asked my manager, Brent who is a Philippino and worked for Spartan PH if i could helped him clean and everything. Got to know him more and taught him thank you in malay (Terima Kasih). He was cute so, why not! It's not like im gonna see him again. LOL

Then, i got myself to the result place where the racers see their finished time and what places they got. It was so boring so i moved to finisher (again). This time i help to distribute the waters and gave the racers their medals. I actually put the medal on their neck despite being short ( im 157cm, that is average for ASIAN not european). Of course some spiky hairs SPLASH the sweats right into my face, my hijab and stuck into my lips some of them. Itzz...zokay... We finished up, said farewells to most people and go back.

You think we had no dramas? We did!

In saturday, most of the parents were weird why the time their children registered was not as same as what they had chosen while online register. Well, we only do what we are told to do. We had no idea if anything changes and whatnot. One of them almost burst because her son missed his race. Well, we told her that you should find the organizer (staff in blue shirt) to complaint. Volunteers in red! Then, we had super and split categories that day, super was the first race then only split. Some of them actually entered both! Some of them finished super quite late so they got mad as they saw the registration counter was closed. Brent had to reopen a counter for them.

Okay the situation. Like 3 people came and complaint while we were gathering the equipment. Then one lady came to register, well she was the one got berserk and she searched for Brent's superior, someone upper. Ok they got to register. Then another 3 Chinese came and before they could asked at the counter, one lady from the first 3 people said, " THEY CLOSED ALREADY. GO FIND THEIR BACK-MANAGER (BRENT'S SUPERIOR) THE ONE IN BLUR SHIRT AND COMPLAINT". Well, that got Brent's nerve. He whisper some curses, i saw it (LOL) and just register those people.

Well, due to trifecta weekend means if they entered 3 races, they will received a special medal. Ill leave a picture.


On the last day, i talked to a bunch of people like randomly and it became great conversations! It had less drama for sure. Probably the drama would be some races who didn't managed to complete the race well but they begged for medals and tshirts. Imagine, this uncle who was injured but he forced himself to complete the ultra race, 50km or 30mil for you other people. Some of the racers actually cried as they reached the finished line. 2 people actually sujud syukur! Bro, 50km is no joke!!

Overall of the experience, it was worth it! Imagine being in my shoes where almost everyday is the same. No adventure accept the meltdown of studying. That is such a journey into the depth of sadness. Volunteering is not mainly about money, it was more to the experience and observing human interaction besides enhancing yours.

My advise, look at this as spices of life. Don't expect too much from organiser. Be more patience while interacting with shitty people and make the most of people who actually talked to you and laughed together! FYI, i joined this with my best friend so everything i did was actually with her too! If you wanted to sneak out some extra tshirts or medals, do it carefully because some of the organizer hated that. Lastly, make the MOST of the volunteer status. Try to walk around and give a hand because if you only do the only thing you were asked, you bored yourself.

I may not tried any of the obstacles because i have high risk to hurt myself, I may not know ALL the obstacles and I am damn far from walking the whole track. I see it as an opportunity to make new friends and be surprised how some of them LOVE TALKING TO ME despite my height, skin colour, just overall physically i appear. It kinda boast my confidence and sparks something in me.

THANK YOU FOR READING <3 FYI, if you ever think about joining the next race? They will held the next one in kuching!! Do consider about volunteering too because some of the volunteers actually race on the day they didn't volunteer.

In this matter, everyone has their own opinion and of course i do have mine.

Before i go further, you should know i grow up in Asian type of parenting and obey most of my dad's plans for us. I mean, i understand how 'eating more salt' applies but, we still have our differences. It is never easy to go against them. It is also hard to make them understand how things different nowadays and back then. Also, there are a lot of advises we could use and go with it still, certain things need to be consider too.

Personally, i obeyed my dad's plans for my education wise. I had my kindergarten in the middle of city which is far from home and only a specific bus from my grandma's house to that place. Then, primary school in the middle of city too, 15km from house. Here is the problem, it is sooo damn far to hang out with friends and had no friends from the neighborhood. It was lonely, that's why i appreciate my time at school and tuition. The first year of secondary school i moved to 3 schools, 1 week in MGS, almost 2 months in SMK Bainun then the rest of it in SEMESTI. I insisted to stayed in bainun because friends were good, nice foods and i just loved it there. No, sbp is more important. Got my foundation in matriculation instead of any ipta. Fine, Unimas is damn far. Now, proceeding pharmacy also for the best interest of my dad. It took me about a year to accept my faith and ace in it. It is so fucking hard. Now, i have my aims to work as WHAT I WANT!

I will stand on the ground for what I FUCKING WANT TO WORK. You see, typical path is working in hospital while actually, we could work in pharmacies you see in shopping mall or any street shops, we could work in factories, be a researcher and etc! What my family see and accept as 'reality' is of course, HOSPITAL even i told them my clinical is not so strong....

AM i the one screaming? Am i the only one who actually want something else? Am i the only one who believes in other opportunities? Am i the only one you see it is worth it to try something else?

Well right now, one of my brother is having that conflict. He had some experience working in a local factory about procurement department. Then he went to training in SL1ME, skim latihan 1 malaysia for tnb. Tnb absorbed him working as contract worker. The contract for 6 months if im not mistaken. The disadvantage of contract worker, you can't have rise in salary, no allowance, no OT even if you work in weekends or more than office hour and you could be terminated any time. The worst part is, you never know if the next contract will be yours or WHEN YOU WILL HAVE PERMANENT POSITION. Even if you work as contract for 3 years or more straight then get permanent position, your salary start like any other new staff. The only advantage of tnb, its half government.

You see, my dad grew up with the government. He got his scholars from them up till he got his PhD. Both my parents were gov workers. Of course non-gov or private sectors scared the hell out of them esp my dad. I get it, gov have secure positions and certain advantages esp when it comes to loan. It is easier to get loan from banks. Retirement, most things are secured. I get it.

The thing is, my brother lives in KL with 2.5k salary which 500 rent exclude his transport, foods, savings. How long does he have to suffer? He is hard working bastard! The shittest thing that happened on hari raya ( our eid festival), he was supposed to get bonus which is 500 (around that) and as he got the news, he told us he will treat us (our family) for dinner (break fast). He didn't get his bonus because his shitty manager decided to grade him 60 something which is worst than worst worker. That person never told him what was wrong with his work or anything and decided to give him 50 for duit raya konon peace offering. Man, wth?????????

Now, he got a better offer from other company and i hope a company that actually could see his potential. I hope he could grow better. He was offered 3.2k salary and if permanent, 3.6k. More allowances along the way. Probably will be quite different from his field but who cares, as long as he is up for it, JUST DO IT!

BUt my dad..... see it as a curse.... or idk what he sees....

I am certain he is not on board.

I mean, idk.... Sometimes i understands how parents dont what us to do mistakes that could ruin our lives. They had sacrifices a lot for us to get till this point. What they dont see, how we have different opportunities right now. Shit are not the same. It is harder to be a gov servants. Harder to get into certain gov companies. Without cable, nothing as easy. Not all bosses appreciates. Even my dad learnt it the hard way. Why making it more harder than it should?

We make mistakes, we learn and grow form it. Maybe not everytime but most of the time. We have dreams, we have goals. We want something for ourselves and sometimes those things are different from what our parents planned for us.

My brother wanted to get married but everyone is against it as he does not have permanent position.

This is my opinion and i believes, as much as our parents have rights toward our choices, we deserve to choose. Maybe... they forgot that last time they also made some bold choices that differs from their parent's idea. Success does not happen overnight....

They said it will take you 20 hours of practicing to actually learn something and 10000 hours (5 years of working hours) to actually master it. Imagine how many hours that actually we use to procrastinating. Keep on telling ourselves that you need a break, you deserve one.

then, do you know that our brain still develops new nerve cells in brain. Neurogenesis.

You do know if you work hard on something you could actually achieved it.

I learn some stuffs based in Ted talks. I guess its easier to watch and get inspire from time to time. I cant say it changes my life but indeed it changes my perspectives and thoughts. I guess being in early 20s is always a pressure as people keep on asking you what you want to do after you graduated. It's true, to become a pharmacist but right now, i don't even have faith if i can make it. Will i be good pharmacist? What if i suck and ruin everything.

All i know, i wanted to write a book. Im not sure what will it be about or when will i actually finish any story that i actually wrote somewhere. I wanted to work as a pharmacist in the industry, the factory. Dealing with machines or join the rnd. Its not about easy but its more to what i prefer to do and how i dont actually deal directly with humans (patients). Im scared if i overdose anyone or given the wrong meds.

We wouldn't know for sure now.

As i brought up that i prefer to work in factories, all my family or some of them would recommend me join the government. They said," Be real. It's more stable". I mean, i know but im not going to sacrifice my 30 years by doing things i dont want to do.

You see, we should be exposed to these things since little. The first 12 years should be about deciding what you have passion. The next 5 years is to see whether you can deal with the subjects that are require and the next 4-6 years are for actually proceeding it.

I was never exposed to pharmacist almost my whole life. It's not so common among people but we know what it is. It never occurs to me that one day i'll be proceeding this ambition. I was out of options but im grateful for the opportunity. I always know that even if its too late, i must at least achieve something that i had always wanted since i was a kid. I used to be full of dreams. Travelling the world. Writing. Learn poet or something. Learn to swim or the guitar. Meet Daniel Radcliffe or Emma watson. You know, those things that keeps you alive.

Am i the one that feels im getting grayer day by day. Being bitter over others' freedom. Feels devastated to myself that i didn't have the balls to actually drop everything and leave. Go do something i've always wanted and come back being famous and successful. I know im not hitting any rock bottom but somehow it does feels that way. It does feels suck when you just know that reaching for the stars is impossible. Grabbing the moon only could happen as you close your eyes.

You joined a race that even you are not sure where the pit stop and how you could actually finish it.

I may be some loser who is having a semi-mental breakdown but i do encourage you people to actually keep that ridiculous dreams alive. It looks impossible now but remember I AM POSSIBLE. Even if its just appears in you 'someday i will..' kinda thing.

Assalamualaykum,

Finally something new :')

Ive been thinking about posting this for awhile. Honestly, this is just based on my experience while mingle with few friends back in the days.

Dating is also known as couple in my society. Let me like clarify this simple thing first, in a relationship, there will be a person be dominant while the other person is the minority. The dominant one will always decide in the relationship but that does not mean he or she do not need the other person, deep down someone who seems hard, he or she will always be fragile with the other one. The one being the dominant could be a he and could be a she. It depends on the relationship.

So, let us walk through the content.

1. The one that waits for the perfect guy without trying


So you see, you will always have this friend who always said, I am waiting for THE ONE. At the same time, she never been in a relationship. She may have a lot of guy friends or a few people who loves to follow her around.

This kind of girl is living in a fantasy world. I guess things just never been bad to her. She must be always lucky.

Honestly, without knowing a person (a boy) personally and so close, i will not know what does 'perfect' means. There is no perfect guy out there because after awhile, there will be things that you dont like but it depends on you, are you going to accept it or not. It goes back to you, are you going to be tolerance?

She just never want to be hurt if that guy end up breaking he heart. You just never know until you experience it yourself. The lesson learnt here is, no one is actually going to fix into your lists.

p/s: Even Megan and Harry were set in blind date and actually 'dated' for quite sometime until they tight the knot.

2. Play safe or Very accepting


The girl that play safe is usually someone very average like me. She never had anyone that like her or confess so she just accept it.

Some girls, they are close enough as a friend and while being a friend you see a potential relationship so you just go with the flow.

You think you like this guy too and due to age, you think it is the right time to actually start a relationship.

You could be the one wanting the relationship and the guy just like, okay, lets just give it a try. Or that guy want a relationship from you and you think, ok lets try it.

3. The bold ones


She wants to be the dominant one. This kinda girl must find someone who don't mind being challenge by a girl. I mean, he is okay with you deciding most things.

If you go loco, he must be there in silence and comfort you instead of shouting at you back.

Ive seen this relationship became toxic due to both party want to be dominant. It could be abusive. This girl was the alpha wolf, she always decide things but as they had a fight and the girl cried. The boy never comfort her and just let her be. In the end, the girl always apologies and suffer. Yeah, she ended the toxic relationship.

Find a guy that could tolerant you and you must do the same thing. Its hard to find someone who want to understand because the bold ones are hard to handle. Dont pick a bad bitch if you cant handle one tho.

4. Family decide

It still exist okayyy. Some girls just prefer their parents fix them with a potential guy. Honestly, it depends.

I love this story i heard from a friend. She said, her mother was in her 20s and 2 men came to propose her. Her father did solat istikharah and such then he decided the best.Her mother end up marrying one guy (her dad) who was in 30s. Despite the age difference they had a wonderful family.
We talked about older partner (guys). I friend said she prefer older ones because they are more mature and stable etc. I mean, it make sense and talking with her was very open up about this kind of thing.

Its not wrong if you guys feel comfortable with each other. I mean, i dont prefer like any tradition that the first time you see the bride is after you married her, there must a duration to actually know each other. If you ever have someone else, it is better to come clean about it. After all, you deserve to be happy. Fight for it!

5. Try and error

Well, you cant say all relationship is perfect. Some girl try and error to find the right one, some just like to play around. It depends too.

You want to be in a relationship that makes you feel safe, accepting and 2 ways of communication.

You dont want to just follow everything he said and decided even about your life.. It is okay to walk away from a toxic one or the constant one.

Constant i mean, he never shows any interest of going forward, marrying you. It is a waste of time. Imagine you have been with the guy since school until you work but the guy never want to meet your family, just walk away. You deserve so much better.

I read somewhere which stated, " You deserve better. It is not a better person around you but a better version of you!" The basic thing about try and error is learning. You must learn to adapt and he also have to do the same. The shit excuses of we are not right for each other kinda thing could also be true.

I guess being in early 20s just makes me open to more perspectives in life and i want to encourage people out there to do the same. It is not just about taking chances, but being more open and accepting in the community. Start small. Dont be afraid to talk to guys just because they are males. You would be surprise how they could actually help you and show you things from different angle.

Have you ever feel like you walk your journey alone? You just born into this world and started to walk it like anyone else. Nothing special about it. All you need to do is walk until you reach the destination.

Destiny-tion? Which one you should be? Destiny or a merely place called as destination. I guess we never know up till we stop walking because there is no other path. Or you are allow to stop before you reach there? Or you should be following another path that you are blinded with? Life is full of surprise i guess. Probably i experience some shits more than average person. Overall, average.

For people that feel like they achieve almost everything they want, get whatever they desire, have a pretty decent life, you should be thankful with average people like me. We may not be so special and most of the time live among the shadows, we are the reason you have the light above the shadows. Imagine living in a world where everyone never fail anything, everyone get everything, the failure ones seems special. We are the reason you have the stage to be higher than average. Imagine a boss but his/her underlings are just as good as he/she is. See? You NEED us.

We are needed to balance the world. To make sure there is a parameter. 'Higher' or 'Lower' than average.

Im here to say,

Dont feel like you're not good enough.

Your mother give birth to you because she believes that ordinary person like you and me could effect others' life. We may not be like the avengers who save the world but we can change someone's life or make the best of a person. Treat people well. Being honest. Become the basic bitch when a friend needed one. Little we know, we are actually good enough and a whole lot more than we realize. We just need to look in the mirror and trust that person you see.

God gives you a whole body or partially to work with it. He didn't asked you to hate it. He didn't asked you to compare with what he gave others.

Stop comparing your worst with other people's best.

You see,

You dont have the looks but you have brilliant brain. See that good looking guy, he is too arrogant to ask for your help because he dont understand that equation. Who is in loss? Tak salah to be humble. Tak salah to keep your head low. What is wrong? Degrading yourself because you judge yourself too much.

Stop giving in to people who dont even care you exist. Be there to people who ask you to be there. Be there to the one that have always been there for you. It is okay to ask for what you had given. Its okay to let go people who dont invest as much as you do. Its okay to let of someone who is toxic to you. If anyone said you are toxic, take a step back. You deserve explanation. Either you're not listening or you didn't look at the right angle.

As human, always remind yourself that its okay to make mistakes. Its okay if you dont really know how to be in public. To not posses what almost everyone have.

I am giving all these peep talks for free because doing what i really love (writing) here is the only freedom i have left. I wanted to persuade this passion for good but it is not easy. Everyone would just love to slap it in my face about 'the reality'. For an example, are you sure your 'scripts' are good enough? No future. No future. No future. I guess it is easier to hide and sneak out sometime to breath those old dreams.

I do wish that someone in my family circle would encourage me to do what i always wanted to do. To tell me its okay to take the risk. Its okay to fail, ill be here to catch you. Its okay to try. Its okay, its okay, its okay. Deep down, i do know these risks are as much terrifying to them than me. Now, its too late to think about 'okay'. Its time to man up and actually deal with reality.

Im almost 2 years down the road to be a pharmacist. Its almost half way. I do this not because i love and always wanted to be this minor pharmacist but, to satisfied people around me and honestly, im one of the people too now. I do see myself somewhere in this field even not in hospital. If my faith is a pharmacist, it is better in the industry that i want. It is the least offer i can promise myself. The degree is for my mum and dad. The job is for me and my family (my own).

Someday in the future, you would never look at yourself as someone average. Despite ALL the bullshits you had been through, you are a legendary! :)

Assalamualaykum, hi peeps!

I know i have not been constant with updating my blog,as usual but this time i wanted to make a change. Im not sure it is me or just the blog things but i do feel like something need to change. Before anything change, lets just talk. I mean, lets just have some expressing session.

I know i cant literally hear what you guys said or reply any of it, but if anyone do want to reach out to me, just used any medium available, i guess the comment section is pretty handy.

Yes, i know im talking to a bunch of strangers. I guess its easier to do it with people you dont really know. You might judge me but i dont care. I jut need to clear my lungs out. Its my own therapy to avoid over stress. I use over stress because it is a depression.

Sometime i do think i need my own therapist because i just feel like probably i do have any mental health issues. Im not trying to gain sympathy but that is just how i feel. Some part of me do feel like i have bipolar disorder, i could be happy and very sad. I would smile and laugh but at home, in my room, i would just feel sorrow. Social media do keep me occupy. It is actually easier to ignore any sign and symptoms and any shits because ignoring is just easier.

Things are getting better. My friends treat me better or at least i feel happier around them. I feel human again.

Im not sure if im building more walls or crashing them. I keep on trying to make at least something out of it. I might be doing it right or maybe wrong, im not sure. I guess, it would be easier to keep on being me and see how it actually go.

Trust takes time.

I see girls who were scared of driving but now, they are fearless! I know women out there are still struggling to do things that might be too heavy or scary for a woman but that does not make it impossible. You see, if we put our mind to it, eventually, we could make it reality. The first step is always the hardest. Especially if you are not sure where to start. A passion is nothing without an effort.

Above all the things holding you back, do not let 'YOU' holding yourself back.

I guess the last thing i have for you people is, always be happy with yourself. Don't mind your own flaws, make those as strength to be the metal, the pole, the back bone and the concrete for a better use. Be there for your mum who is crying is the kitchen. Lean your shoulder for your broken heart friend. Secretly put a cute note in your dad's wallet. Smile to strangers (the non pervert ones). Be as broad and as open as you could to be a loving and positive person.

Yeah, one more. If you heard people saying, kill them with kindness, ignore that shit and be YOU. YOU choose who DESERVE your positivity.

How was your first love? I mean, different people have different story.

i'll tell you about mine. If you had been following me, you probably already know about this story but im here to tell it again in a new version. I mean, describing it more about it.

Honestly, i guess for me first love is a fantasy and more like fairy tale where you dream of happy ending. Mine did not get that. It was hard and kinda harsh. LOL i learnt a lot from it.

He was someone unexpected. You may say he had full package. 'Had' because now he is a totally different person. Im afraid that after all those years we meet again but he know me as a different version of me. Haha! Im glad he dont actually know me because it is easier.

Ok, here we go.

We used to be in the same school for a few months then he got transferred into another school and then i got into another school too. I guess that was the first sign that we were not meant to be together. After almost a year of nothing, one day i came across his fb. Yeah, back in those early years of fb and the eager-ness to make friends in other school. So we reconnected as friend and bla bla we grew closer.

I had my own drama at school and he had his. Being friends with him was easy and calming. He was and still is a very smart person, cute, back then he played guitar, basketball, hockey and kinda rich and very very easy to talk to. YOu can literally ask him anything, he could give the brilliant answer. What got me hooked, he said i was his sahabat, not kawan, rakan or kenalan. I felt so appreciated. Since that i had been holding onto him. Mistake.

I was by him even he has gf(s). I mean, after one and another. I stood by him after and another break up. After about 3 years, during the third year, things look like i have a chance. He actually paid attention to me and he gave me morning quotes shits all. Excuse me, but that got me hooked on more. Yet, there was another girl. After all the confession and such, he choose ...... not me. HAHAHAHAHA!

On my birthday, i told him that i hated he called me ina because i just hate that name. He said i was acting up all these years with him. Pretending. Just like that, pooff, its like nothing had ever happened. After awhile i tried reconnecting with him, he didnt seems to remember nor care. He never care where have i been or how i was doing. Nothing.

After all those years, he actually didn't care much about me. Oh yeah, the girl he choose earlier, she was prettier and we actually share the same attitude. If only i let him see the real me, the crazy side of me, to tell him that im normal. Im not the kinda girl that is nice with everyone. Maybe he could see something else in me. It was too late. I cant reset things like him. I cant act like nothing happened. I cant forget all those things just as easy as he did.

So, how was my first love? Someone you dont truly show yourself and end up lonely. It took me a few years to be 100% forget about him. I used to remember his phone number. FYI, he still used it.

It hurts that you became numb. You dont really cry at night but your heart ache. I guess, each broken heart has their own pain.

I had several of them. In my defense, each time it broke, the pain was different.

That was my first broken heart.

He was not even my first date. Not my first crush. Not the first person I called the special one but, he was the first person that showed me that i am worthy called as 'sahabat'.

The last gift he gave me, someone stole it from me. Literally stole it. He gave me a hockey keychain with adidas written on it. I cried once i lost it. Like, i cried even i know we were nothing but that was the only thing i left of him that was happy.

That is my story.

He has a girlfriend currently who has the first name as mine, Ainul. I guess another Ainul deserve happy ending with him. I deserve with someone else.

Based on what i do know about him now, he is a completely different person i used to know. Thats all.

First love usually unplanned. Based on my experience, whoever you actually feel for is someone who you dont plan to fall for.
Dont force love. Dont plan love. If you are doing things right, love just appear. :)

I am very much upset with myself because i wanted to do a lot of things but never start.

I see people take risks but im just too afraid of it.

I wanted to write a book but i never like actually draft it or even have the objective of writing one. I feel like i wanted to write about myself but i dont feel like people wanted to read about it. I mean, the only thing i know is myself. For me learning about myself is a blessing. People have rough time knowing themselves. Even hire therapist to learn about yourself. The only thing that am i most proud of is myself even when others dont see it.

I find myself as average. The good kind of average.

I wanted to be someone who is brave in front of camera speaking. Sign up for youtube or something. idk... its just hard.

I feel like i am the one holding myself back from whatever i want to do. Also, overthinking. These 2 shits just have to get together. Im still figuring out about whats next. I keep on give excuses to not do shits. Shits that i really wanted to do.

I hope one day, or someday, i manage and said, at least i tried.

I try write my own book.
I try talking to camera like i mean it.
I try planning my own travels.
I try , i try, i try..

At this point i guess. At least, i still keep up blogging.

You see, back in the days, i see blogging as an opportunity to start my own writing career. All i know and i wanted was to write.
I wanted to do degree in literature or specific in English but my dad said that its not professional.
I am grateful for my current course but deep inside me still dream of writing. Maybe not everyone would understand how and why but what i can say, a whole part of me will not let this go. I might start late, i might be in my 30s then only i have this career, well, im willing to wait.

I know its hard for some people and i do know that dreams and passion can change overnight. All im asking, keep on dreaming. One day, you might be surprised how a dream can become reality.

It takes time, it takes bumpy roads, tons of doubts, countless of failure, multiple scars just to get something you have always wanted. I hope when we grasp that dream, you feel live is worth living and you did live it to the fullest.

I wish i would feel that.