29/1/2019 Late night thoughts

I am very much upset with myself because i wanted to do a lot of things but never start.

I see people take risks but im just too afraid of it.

I wanted to write a book but i never like actually draft it or even have the objective of writing one. I feel like i wanted to write about myself but i dont feel like people wanted to read about it. I mean, the only thing i know is myself. For me learning about myself is a blessing. People have rough time knowing themselves. Even hire therapist to learn about yourself. The only thing that am i most proud of is myself even when others dont see it.

I find myself as average. The good kind of average.

I wanted to be someone who is brave in front of camera speaking. Sign up for youtube or something. idk... its just hard.

I feel like i am the one holding myself back from whatever i want to do. Also, overthinking. These 2 shits just have to get together. Im still figuring out about whats next. I keep on give excuses to not do shits. Shits that i really wanted to do.

I hope one day, or someday, i manage and said, at least i tried.

I try write my own book.
I try talking to camera like i mean it.
I try planning my own travels.
I try , i try, i try..

At this point i guess. At least, i still keep up blogging.

You see, back in the days, i see blogging as an opportunity to start my own writing career. All i know and i wanted was to write.
I wanted to do degree in literature or specific in English but my dad said that its not professional.
I am grateful for my current course but deep inside me still dream of writing. Maybe not everyone would understand how and why but what i can say, a whole part of me will not let this go. I might start late, i might be in my 30s then only i have this career, well, im willing to wait.

I know its hard for some people and i do know that dreams and passion can change overnight. All im asking, keep on dreaming. One day, you might be surprised how a dream can become reality.

It takes time, it takes bumpy roads, tons of doubts, countless of failure, multiple scars just to get something you have always wanted. I hope when we grasp that dream, you feel live is worth living and you did live it to the fullest.

I wish i would feel that.