I guess being public about personal stuff means, I'm open enough about my life. Obviously im not a robot, so here i am, being open up to whoever came across this post.

I usually dont promote my personal stories but its here if you want to relate yourself with me. 

Here, i'll be talking about my dad's latest lecture to me and my opinion about it. Then, about how im starting again a weight loss journey, this time for real.

Ok, you see, i grow up with 4 siblings, I have a sister and 2 brothers. So far, im the one whos not married and havent made any bad mistake in life. I mean, the kind of mistake that your parents need to involve to get you out from it. Or the kind of mistake that you need money from your parents to solve it. 

My dad was comparing how much he had spent to his children and I am not surprised that I'm the least because im the youngest and im a girl, we can all see how much he treasures his son. I know this might not be true and maybe just my opinion, i think he didnt even want me at the first place but my mom insisted because she felt like 2 boys were fighting a lot and the bully things (biasalah adik beradik) so she wanted a daughter to neutralise it. Well, my mom hoped for a daughter and she got it. 

I grew up having my mom at most important occasions since I could remember. Shes there picking me up to school or sending me out to hang with my friends. My dad would give me some pocket money and he was the one who had to be present during my high school years cause my mom was there for kindergarten and primary school.

It never bothers me about my dad's presence until I'm 18 or 19. During those time, my older siblings were getting married and getting job. So his little babies are growing up into adults. That time, he kept on telling people (us) about the time when my older siblings were still kids. The funny story about them like, wearing the wrong side of shoes, how my sister promised to cook for them and yada yada. You see, I was not in the picture YET and he never had a story about me that he treasures. I felt offended. 

I felt like, he never watched me grow up and barely had time for me, which is kinda true. One day I asked him, what about me? Do you have story about me? He just sat there in silence. 

My sister and my dad do not have good relationship because she loves to rebel and so shits the opposite of what he told her to do. Some part of it, i kinda understand but another part of it, i just don't understand why. She kept on saying that someday i'll get it but its been awhile and I don't see the logic. I felt like, she took things for granted and i think she could totally do better but she chooses not to.

Well, i can't change a person, can i.. Let her be.

My dad comparing things, telling me that I should avoid these mistakes and I should know better in a way. Then he told me about his parents and how he grew up. Then some bits on how he tried his best to give us the best so he is allowed to feel disappointed if we didn't reach his expectations. There, classic asian parents things, compare us with our relatives.

I didn't grew up in a supporting household so don't be surprised seeing me having daddy issues. I didn't received as much as my older siblings did and I should be allowed to express my sadness. I wasn't wold if i'm making them proud, at least i knew i am making MYSELF proud. I told myself that, I am less problematic child, that's why i don't need as much attention as my older siblings got. I also keep telling myself that they way my dad express his love might not be the way I wanted but I need to realize if he never loves me, he would never have me at the first place.

It is also not my fault about what had happened in the past, how he thinks what he did is the best for me even when i despites it. 

I believe we need to accept our parents just the way they are and be better parents for our kids. 

I could choose to ruin his day and gave him my harsh opinions but I don't because we live in different generations and we were raised with different exposures. I can't expect him to understand me easily and try to understand him better. He deserves much disappointment sometimes, he is still my dad and I don't have as much time as my older siblings to appreciates his present so I must be present myself. 

Enough daddy issues, my weight loss journey.

At first, i wanted to lose about 5kg so i start with exercise and slowly learning about diet. Then, i thought to myself, i'm about to be a pharmacist, a health care provider, i should be healthy as well. I should present myself as someone healthy too. I need to make changes in my life so that I could be someone who IS healthy.

It will be a longgggg journey and maybe my body reacts differently with everything that might cause me loosing only 1 kg per month for a few first months. As long as I'm consistent and determined, i might just continue to do so. 

I enjoy exercise but not much of the diet.  

well, that's all i have to share. 

I guess my dad indeed triggered something in me today..but...oh well...im 23. I could handle worst.