Kepenatan. Just so tired of all the dramas.

Dulu kau susah aku tolong. Kau sedih aku pujuk, kau stress aku nasihat. Bile semua orang tinggalkan kau aku yang kau cari, aku fikir, ada sebab Allah nak aku layan kau.
Bila kau senang, kau selalu tinggalkan aku. Tapi bila aku tegur baru lah kau macam tersedar kan. Tapi bukan lama pun. Bagi kau aku ni kawan biasa je.
Aku selalu berusaha nak buktikan dekat kau yang aku ni someone yang kau boleh percaya dan kau harapkan sebab aku memang bersungguh. Tapi tak semua kawan aku nampak usaha aku.
Aku redha.
Ada juga yang aku korban sebab berkawan dengan kau. Tapi kau mana nampak. Tak nak kau perasan pun sebab itu apa yang memang aku nak buat atas kehendak aku.
Walaupun kau pernah banyak kali tikam belakang aku... Aku bangkit balik. Cari ubat, sapu luka tu... Nak sembuh luka tu bukan sekejap... Tapi bila dah sembuh, kau tikam lagi sampai sembuh orang lain pula. Aku rasa macam aku ni patung. Tempat orang luahkan dendam.

Aku sabar. Sabar sampai sekarang. Tak kire betapa lukanya hati atau perasaan aku, aku jarang luahkan sepenuhnya. Hanya orang tertentu sahaja yang tahu. Semuanya aku memang prefer nak simpan je. Malas nak luahkan. Malas nak orang tahu. Tapi sebabkan aku ni perempuan, aku mudah patah. Aku nangis. Aku lemah. Aku mampu doa supaya Allah yang bagi aku tenaga untuk teruskan kehidupan aku. Aku fikir, segala kesakitan ni aku dapat sebab Allah sayang aku. Allah nak aku sedar yang hidup di dunia ni sementara dan dunia ni memang penjara orang mukmin.
Aku tak salahkan Allah. Mungking aku pernah tersalahkan takdir sebab mental breakdown kan. Tapi aku segera bertaubat. Aku ni hanya manusia biasa yang teramat dan tersangatlah hina.
Aku hanya mampu cakap, aku sedih. Aku harap kesedihan ni akan hilang. Aku harap lepas zaman persekolahan ni tamat, aku berjaya menyepikan diri aku daripada semua kawan aku. Aku nak menghilang. Walaupun aku tahu kehilangan aku ni tak memberi makna kepada sesiapa tetapi aku ada menaruh secubit harapan, ada yang perasan kehilangan aku.

Hidup ini hanya sementara. Tarbiyyah diri selalu. InshaaAllah, hidayah milik kita.

Assalamualaykum and Alhamdulillah

It had been about a month since any news. Well, i was trapped in school and honestly, it felt like a new beginning for me.

I learned a lot.

Btw, i got a foster sister. I had to guide her during her orentation weeks. She is way taller than me and she looks very familiar with my twin in igop. She is a good girl and she never asked my help much. Very independent. Overall, i managed to scared the kids. Even some of them hated me, tbh, i love it. I don't care. I am just doing what i was asked to do.

Hurm...well i there were some dramas in the prefect team. So annoying and it hurted me a lot. I felt like i got a gun shot straight at my heart. You know the feeling of being betrayed by everyone! Urgh, forget it. I don't want to think about it..

This year, i got a new teacher as my class teacher and she taught me Malay language. She is quite scary but i think she will be just fine. InshaaAllah

Anything exciting happen?

I went to UM for some school programme. I learned so much about Japanese's culture. The aim of the programme, they wanted to encourage students to apply there and join them. We will learned the language. Then we willearn physic, maths and whatever fully in Japanese for 2 years. Hurm. I am just considering...

Tbh, i dunno what to tell yah guys. Maybe next post i will tell sonething more exciting!

Sorry for da lame stories.

Assalamualaykum, Alhamdulillah

Well, to be honest, today is like a new day for me. Actually everyday is a new day but for me, today is a little different from any other day. No its not my birthday, yet.



Yesterday i started to watch a korean drama entitled, scent of woman. It is the first korean drama that i watched about sickness. I know that cancer is a cliche sickness for the character to possess but this time it show us how meaningful life can be.

I know how cliche korean drama can be but it still touched me like i never know about it. They act so real that i cried hard yesterday. I had watched episode 1 till 12. Will continue to watch after posting this.

Lee did a bucket list of things she wants to do before she died. She accidently fall in love with someone she should not fall for. Well, the love story was complicated. For me, what i love about this drama, in the first episode you already know all the characters and the sickness. Even you could cry watching the first episode itself. Maybe i am being emotional but, girls, i don't lie.

What i really learned for it, appreciates life and people around you. It may be hard sometime, thats why you prefer to be alone and pushed away others, but nothing can change it. Its not like if you push away people, your problem will gone. Even when you push away people because you think its the best, actually you are just scared that they are not helping. Actually, maybe not all might help you but at least they can share the feelings. They can at least support you. Being independent is outstanding but ... we are just to weak to fight this war alone. Even the avangers, they are in a group. No matter how awesome and powerful ironman, black widow, hulk, and others can stand alone but in a group they are brilliant! each one of they have their own ability to complete the group. Don't blame your friend for not understanding you, allowing them to understand you is something that is your own choice. Sometime, we must always be the one giving up our egos because one day you will find that worth it. Eventually, they will come around.

I woke up today, there is a message in ws. Its like an advise about friends.

I just realize how i managed to push away all of my friends by watching movies and dramas. Sometime i tried it by studying. But now, i felt bad about it. Its like i am blaming them for not understanding me. Tbh, i don't even allow them to understand me because for me things are too complicated that they will never understand or they will act like they did. Or maybe because i thought nobody cares at all. Living a life alone without any friends really give a huge impact in my life.

Do you know the feeling that you actually know that nobody give a damn about you. No even your family that give you the thoughts of rebel.

Do you know the feelings of acting. Acting like you are fine but you are actually not. You hide it because its not worth to show it. Maybe you show some things hoping someone will come to their sense and ask you if you are fine. Hope hurts a lot.

Do you know the feeling of being the one to approach everyone else to make sure you are not invincible. You feel like you are the one who is putting all the efforts to make sure that the friendship is something.

And, do you know the feeling of tired of all the feelings above. You just decided to give up and push everyone away, try to live your life as nothing had happen no matter how hard it is at first but you keep on telling yourself that one day, maybe one day you will be ok. Nothing to worry about. Then you just live it. And it is true that nobody cares. Nobody approach you at all. They seem busy with their life. Busy with all the bullshits.

What do you expect? Each and everyone will detect your feelings? They never know unless you show they. At least talked to them.

I thought of that but what i did..

I DON"T GIVE A DAMN THING..

Things had been hard to me lately so, i push away all my own advises. Pffft, such a pathetic. Pushing away myself.

Then as i watched this drama, scent of women, and i read the advise ... I came to my senses.

We don't know the future. We can be a cancer-patient-to-be or maybe we might involved in a fatal accident. We don't know any of that.

The feeling of being alone can be last feeling before your afterlife. Do you think you will be reborn and you suddenly can make things right? There is no second chance as you died.

In my belief, when you died, you will be torture because of your sins, in grave, in Ma'sha, in hell. Why do you have to torture yourself on earth while you are still free to make your own choices?

If you commit sins, repent to Him. He is the Most Merciful. No matter how much your sins even if its as much as the height to sky, He will still accept it. He give you chance to repent because he never wanted to torture you. Do you ever felt grateful that you are not punish right away after you committed a sin. A sin not sins. You stole things, but you manage to escape. You cursed a lot but you still manage to talk as usual. In the same time, after all the punishments being postpone, are you ready for the Judgement Day where the judge is Allah and you can't escape anymore?

When that day come, all you will feel is regret. Regret because of this and that.

It is my mistake to push people away because it cause a great pain in my heart. What is nice about pushing others away, you put all of your faith in God. For me, Allah. You know and you are CONVINCE that He is a All Mighty. The is the best Planner.

My points are,
1. Everyone has their reasons to push others away but why do you have to suffer alone?
2. Life is too short to suffer from your own feelings
3. Think further. Future and all of the 'what if'
4. Regret now then later.
5. Maybe its the time to step aside from your egos and come back to the society.
6. Not everyone is perfect and can be the most outstanding person to stand beside you but its worth to give it a try. Imperfect what makes it perfect. I mean, you can complete each other. That makes it a perfect friendship and relationship.
7. Life is hard if you say so.

Here some sad moments in The Scent Of Woman. Korean drama.

Assalamualaykum, Alhamdulillah

I am about 3 days and 3 months away from turning into 17. TBH, i am not excited about it at all.

Well, i just read an inspirational article, Pesanan Harapan by aimaanbanna.com

So inspiring and i am very lucky to come across it because that article actually links to what i am facing nowadays.

During this holidays, i've been observing what is happening around me. My family, friends, society.

I realize how bad and wrong i had behave. How helpless i am to make a change and to make others realize that they are doing it wrong too.

I also experience some unspeakable moments. I know what is happening but i can't really explain in detail about how my 'heart' had handled. It was just so hard until there was a point where i thought of giving up my life. Maybe commit suicide or do something stupid. But in the end, i did not give instead of giving up, i move on.

I remind myself that Allah is there for me. Never give up in Allah. Everything that i can think of that links to Him directly.

I know He is listening even i am just praying in my thoughts. I am really convince! And i am lucky because He answered my prayers.

During my dark hours, i felt so alone and i knew that my family will never realize about my sadness. But this time, Allah allows my sister to notice it. Even it did not solved anything but i feel the love of my sister. She care.

During the dark nights, despite the tears and all the mess, today, i wake up like a new person. I do not feel the pain anymore. I can feel it recover. Maybe now 100% but i can feel the pain decrease.

During the dark moments, as i was looking at my phone hoping for any replies or apologizes, suddenly i don't feel like looking at my phone and i am staying away from it. I don't feel that my phone is something so precious.

While i was scrolling down my TL, i felt the emptiness. Being alone. Now, i just feel like staying away from it because i know if i keep on reading all the happiness or sadness, i will start to tweet like i desperate for love or i just want to world to know that i am damn depressed.

Do you ever feel the emptiness where you have no one to fight for. Someone who you can called as friend. You realize that actually you don't have any true friends. I don't need someone who can always makes me happy but i just need someone who at least, care about me like they care about themselves. At one point you feel like, you actually tell yourself don't need them but actually deep down in that hollow heart, you need them desperately. You wanna scream out their names but you know no one will reply.

Do even feel the rejection of wanna be special. Well, its too hard to speak of it. Better off kept unspoken. Counterproductive.

It's like the world was going against you. All the person who you thought would care and fateful to you were actually liars. They just think about themselves. Change from being saint to satanic. Well, that was actually kinda over. I mean, they turn bad as like you never know them in the first place. You tried to support them, make them happy, show them love, but all they do is go against you and never care how you feel. Applause.

I don't understand. If pushing away is what you want in the first place, then it's better for you to delete everything of me. My phone number, my messages, unfollow me, just go ahead and forget me. Don't dare think of me or care about my updates. Just ... go.

Me? I will not do that because i know sooner or later i am going to need the memories. I love the memories. It is the reason i am being myself, the reason i must always stay strong, the reason for a better life. I am not deleting you.

What had happen, is past. I am moving forward. If you really need someone, act like you need them.

Admit Your Mistake ᴴᴰ - Powerful Islamic Reminder: http://youtu.be/bQC303wFYks

Well, everyone commits sins but its never too late to ask for forgiveness. ��