The heart speaks

Assalamualaykum, Alhamdulillah

I am about 3 days and 3 months away from turning into 17. TBH, i am not excited about it at all.

Well, i just read an inspirational article, Pesanan Harapan by aimaanbanna.com

So inspiring and i am very lucky to come across it because that article actually links to what i am facing nowadays.

During this holidays, i've been observing what is happening around me. My family, friends, society.

I realize how bad and wrong i had behave. How helpless i am to make a change and to make others realize that they are doing it wrong too.

I also experience some unspeakable moments. I know what is happening but i can't really explain in detail about how my 'heart' had handled. It was just so hard until there was a point where i thought of giving up my life. Maybe commit suicide or do something stupid. But in the end, i did not give instead of giving up, i move on.

I remind myself that Allah is there for me. Never give up in Allah. Everything that i can think of that links to Him directly.

I know He is listening even i am just praying in my thoughts. I am really convince! And i am lucky because He answered my prayers.

During my dark hours, i felt so alone and i knew that my family will never realize about my sadness. But this time, Allah allows my sister to notice it. Even it did not solved anything but i feel the love of my sister. She care.

During the dark nights, despite the tears and all the mess, today, i wake up like a new person. I do not feel the pain anymore. I can feel it recover. Maybe now 100% but i can feel the pain decrease.

During the dark moments, as i was looking at my phone hoping for any replies or apologizes, suddenly i don't feel like looking at my phone and i am staying away from it. I don't feel that my phone is something so precious.

While i was scrolling down my TL, i felt the emptiness. Being alone. Now, i just feel like staying away from it because i know if i keep on reading all the happiness or sadness, i will start to tweet like i desperate for love or i just want to world to know that i am damn depressed.

Do you ever feel the emptiness where you have no one to fight for. Someone who you can called as friend. You realize that actually you don't have any true friends. I don't need someone who can always makes me happy but i just need someone who at least, care about me like they care about themselves. At one point you feel like, you actually tell yourself don't need them but actually deep down in that hollow heart, you need them desperately. You wanna scream out their names but you know no one will reply.

Do even feel the rejection of wanna be special. Well, its too hard to speak of it. Better off kept unspoken. Counterproductive.

It's like the world was going against you. All the person who you thought would care and fateful to you were actually liars. They just think about themselves. Change from being saint to satanic. Well, that was actually kinda over. I mean, they turn bad as like you never know them in the first place. You tried to support them, make them happy, show them love, but all they do is go against you and never care how you feel. Applause.

I don't understand. If pushing away is what you want in the first place, then it's better for you to delete everything of me. My phone number, my messages, unfollow me, just go ahead and forget me. Don't dare think of me or care about my updates. Just ... go.

Me? I will not do that because i know sooner or later i am going to need the memories. I love the memories. It is the reason i am being myself, the reason i must always stay strong, the reason for a better life. I am not deleting you.

What had happen, is past. I am moving forward. If you really need someone, act like you need them.