Dear dairy,

What did i do wrong? How can i messed up too much... Life just seems so blur right now... Nothing seems to be in plan. Or at least as expected.

Did i not work hard enough? Did i took anything for granted? Is it my sins that blocks my success. Or is it just the faith is playing games with me.

I know i used to be strong. I know that i usually could handle stuffs the right way. I know no matter how shit things turn out, i would usually get on my feet again even as a cripple. I know that, one day, i will look back to this day and laugh at myself for being naive and thinking too much because in the end, inshaaAllah things would turn out great. Hopefully...

Its just, its not easy..... your friends getting at least satisfying results while you, you cant even say anything. You thought you work hard enough, now you know its not hard enough. You wanted to at least keep the scoring make sense, yet, its not.

It felt so wrong... You had been studying since your whole life. Yes its different stages, yes its different things but still.... everything is knowledge.

You got everything you wished for. You are not starving. You are fit physically. You can walk, talk, write everything perfectly. You live in a peace country where you dont have to fight for any rights. You already have it. "All you have to do is study hard" Thats what my dad always told me.

How worst is my result? Worst enough i am not even able to tell my dad about it.

I know ive been here like last year and in 2014, yet here i am, reminiscing the same moment.

Its the moment where you question yourself about your choice and such.

Keeping saying to yourself that its okay. Improve yourself. You will manage it. You will get through it as usual. Every tears and depression will be worth it. This is just the beginning of something new, dont expect too much. Kesiankan lah diri tu..

You know any motivation that you could think of because in the end, you only have yourself. That fragile body, soul, and every cell that work for you had been with you for almost 2 decades.

I know that almost everything now just makes no sense at all. Like, what the hell am I doing?? I should just took counselling while i still had the chance yet you took pharmacist and girl, it too late for a change. Alang alang tu habis kan lah.

Ainul, its okay. Ainul, listen to your heart whispering, its going to be okay. Have faith. Its okay to feel something. Its okay to have this moments so you know that you are still in your comfort zone. You know what you have to work double triple. Penat sekarang takpe. Jangan penat nanti. Jangan menyesal nanti.

"Rejection. Failures. Depression" It makes you more human, makes you improve yourself to be a legend!

Its funny how at first you felt nothing but the next day you felt for everything.

I guess, at first everything seems fine and normal until one moment you just realize how ridiculous you are acting. You realize that you are putting too much effort on making things work while the other person didn't even realize it.

You want to make them happy so you find the right way to make it happen. You are going against your own rules to make it happen but they dont even realize there are rules.

You wanted to know them but they dont share the same interest on knowing you back. You are the one trying to keep things flow.

I think i reach my limit. I am pulling myself back. I am done trying to make things working anymore. I am done trying to be 'good-enough'. I am done telling myself "Its okay to hurt yourself ainul."

I want to start saying " I dont want to be hurt anymore! It is not okay to be hurt! It is not okay to always be the fucking options. It is not okay to act like its okay all the time. It is the time you should start to take care of your own heart of your own feelings too." It is not about being selfish, it is about showing others that they are acting selfish first. You are just following the lead.

I dont blame people for accepting me for a friend. I dont blame people for treating me anyway they are. I am fine with it. What i am done negotiate is, people that look at me and find me not good enough. They thought they are making it easy for me. Not its not easy.

Why do i have to compete with others just so you can get the advantages? What makes you qualify to take me for granted? Should i start to rebel so you would realize? Why must i prove myself to get the title when others just got acknowledge without going for a war like me.

It is because i am not pretty enough? Not bright enough? Too stupid? Not in the same reputation?

I give up. I quit. I'm sorry but im just going to walk away. I dont want to be presence in your happiness anymore.

Assalamualaykum, HI!

This whole sunday at home got me thinking and i got myself wayyyyy deeper than i should. Yeah you know about "overthinking" and such.

I am the kinda person that always have 'motivational' words that i would tell myself each and every time i felt like shit. It doesn't matter because of my self-esteem or im just having a bad day, i would bounce back from my lowest state to my normal state, most of the time. Honestly, sometimes i didn't bounce, i dunged my own grave deeper than i should. Sometimes you gonna die first to feel alive. Does that make sense? LOL

I realize that no matter how strong you appears to look or how independent you are acting, you are totally dependent on something else. I mean here, despite the 'i-can-live-without-a-man-in-my-life' statements or 'i-can-live-on-my-own' or 'i-dont-need-friend' or 'im-doing-better-that-i-ever-was' or thousands of 'i-am-okay', you still depend on something else. At least something that makes you feel stronger and confident.

I can't really define what is the 'something' that you depend on because it could be subjective. Not everyone has the same thing that gives them the motivation to be independent.

Am i making any sense? LOL That just shows how deep my thoughts are until i can't really explain what am i talking about properly.

I guess the 'something' is like a motive and propose you do anything because without it you cant really do anything because you need to know why you do it.

The process to seek for a motive, for some cases would literally take a long time. I mean, you didn't just born and know everything you want to do. You might have some plans but trust me, most of the plans will not work as you imagine it would.

I guess i am here to say, IT IS OKAY TO depends on something/someone because when you grow older, most things/people will be gone.

You can no longer fit your favorite shirt, you can no longer talk to these people because they are busy with their own life, etc.

You don't have to go through shits alone. It is okay to find a shoulder to lean on even just for that moment.

The bad side about being independent, you would become more selfish and think of yourself more than others because it is easier that way. You become heartless. I dont know, i've been there for a few months. I thought i was being someone better but actually i am drowning in my own agony. I pushed away people. I gave up on my passions, i forget my dreams, i was lost in my route to a happy life. Being in the corner of the room by yourself is not as healthy as you think it is.

Playing with your own emotional is like playing with fire. You can burn yourself with your own thoughts and become crazy. You would hurt people around you unintentionally.

I know that not everyone understand your struggle, not even your parents. We are not rise in a way where 'sit down and talk' is a thing. At least that is me. I dont really discuss with my family about my issues. I would go to my friends. Sometimes i would tell my mum at least or my close siblings. It is more on telling my opinion about something instead of asking from them. It is just easier for me. Hiding your pain is easier. Endure it alone. Yes it makes you stronger but the process to be 'stronger' is like going through a war. You dont really need a weapon, you just need supports.

That is why i say, it is okay to actually depend on something or someone.