Side note

Dear dairy,

What did i do wrong? How can i messed up too much... Life just seems so blur right now... Nothing seems to be in plan. Or at least as expected.

Did i not work hard enough? Did i took anything for granted? Is it my sins that blocks my success. Or is it just the faith is playing games with me.

I know i used to be strong. I know that i usually could handle stuffs the right way. I know no matter how shit things turn out, i would usually get on my feet again even as a cripple. I know that, one day, i will look back to this day and laugh at myself for being naive and thinking too much because in the end, inshaaAllah things would turn out great. Hopefully...

Its just, its not easy..... your friends getting at least satisfying results while you, you cant even say anything. You thought you work hard enough, now you know its not hard enough. You wanted to at least keep the scoring make sense, yet, its not.

It felt so wrong... You had been studying since your whole life. Yes its different stages, yes its different things but still.... everything is knowledge.

You got everything you wished for. You are not starving. You are fit physically. You can walk, talk, write everything perfectly. You live in a peace country where you dont have to fight for any rights. You already have it. "All you have to do is study hard" Thats what my dad always told me.

How worst is my result? Worst enough i am not even able to tell my dad about it.

I know ive been here like last year and in 2014, yet here i am, reminiscing the same moment.

Its the moment where you question yourself about your choice and such.

Keeping saying to yourself that its okay. Improve yourself. You will manage it. You will get through it as usual. Every tears and depression will be worth it. This is just the beginning of something new, dont expect too much. Kesiankan lah diri tu..

You know any motivation that you could think of because in the end, you only have yourself. That fragile body, soul, and every cell that work for you had been with you for almost 2 decades.

I know that almost everything now just makes no sense at all. Like, what the hell am I doing?? I should just took counselling while i still had the chance yet you took pharmacist and girl, it too late for a change. Alang alang tu habis kan lah.

Ainul, its okay. Ainul, listen to your heart whispering, its going to be okay. Have faith. Its okay to feel something. Its okay to have this moments so you know that you are still in your comfort zone. You know what you have to work double triple. Penat sekarang takpe. Jangan penat nanti. Jangan menyesal nanti.

"Rejection. Failures. Depression" It makes you more human, makes you improve yourself to be a legend!