Independent but dependent

Assalamualaykum, HI!

This whole sunday at home got me thinking and i got myself wayyyyy deeper than i should. Yeah you know about "overthinking" and such.

I am the kinda person that always have 'motivational' words that i would tell myself each and every time i felt like shit. It doesn't matter because of my self-esteem or im just having a bad day, i would bounce back from my lowest state to my normal state, most of the time. Honestly, sometimes i didn't bounce, i dunged my own grave deeper than i should. Sometimes you gonna die first to feel alive. Does that make sense? LOL

I realize that no matter how strong you appears to look or how independent you are acting, you are totally dependent on something else. I mean here, despite the 'i-can-live-without-a-man-in-my-life' statements or 'i-can-live-on-my-own' or 'i-dont-need-friend' or 'im-doing-better-that-i-ever-was' or thousands of 'i-am-okay', you still depend on something else. At least something that makes you feel stronger and confident.

I can't really define what is the 'something' that you depend on because it could be subjective. Not everyone has the same thing that gives them the motivation to be independent.

Am i making any sense? LOL That just shows how deep my thoughts are until i can't really explain what am i talking about properly.

I guess the 'something' is like a motive and propose you do anything because without it you cant really do anything because you need to know why you do it.

The process to seek for a motive, for some cases would literally take a long time. I mean, you didn't just born and know everything you want to do. You might have some plans but trust me, most of the plans will not work as you imagine it would.

I guess i am here to say, IT IS OKAY TO depends on something/someone because when you grow older, most things/people will be gone.

You can no longer fit your favorite shirt, you can no longer talk to these people because they are busy with their own life, etc.

You don't have to go through shits alone. It is okay to find a shoulder to lean on even just for that moment.

The bad side about being independent, you would become more selfish and think of yourself more than others because it is easier that way. You become heartless. I dont know, i've been there for a few months. I thought i was being someone better but actually i am drowning in my own agony. I pushed away people. I gave up on my passions, i forget my dreams, i was lost in my route to a happy life. Being in the corner of the room by yourself is not as healthy as you think it is.

Playing with your own emotional is like playing with fire. You can burn yourself with your own thoughts and become crazy. You would hurt people around you unintentionally.

I know that not everyone understand your struggle, not even your parents. We are not rise in a way where 'sit down and talk' is a thing. At least that is me. I dont really discuss with my family about my issues. I would go to my friends. Sometimes i would tell my mum at least or my close siblings. It is more on telling my opinion about something instead of asking from them. It is just easier for me. Hiding your pain is easier. Endure it alone. Yes it makes you stronger but the process to be 'stronger' is like going through a war. You dont really need a weapon, you just need supports.

That is why i say, it is okay to actually depend on something or someone.