It had been a few months since we actually see each other. We are officially out as a couple because we decided we don't need other's approval to hold hands or kiss in public. We can be happy and others can suck it up!
I guess my dad already noticed Aidan picking and dropping me home. He hasn't said anything about it YET because this thing never happened before. I'm not trying to hide Aidan from my family but I'm not ready for 'the conversation'.
Let me be real honest, since Aidan and I officially came out as a couple... some girls did took interest in him as if he's a popular guy in school. He received a few notes in his locker and the look they gave him in the hallway EVEN when i'm right beside him. I hate to mention it but Nancy, yes, you guess it right. Nancy slowly trying to get close to Aidan. She even changed her desk with some guy to sit closer to Aidan. We didn't hang out ever since, maybe the library incident. I know I shouldn't be overthinking but knowing he gains tons of attention indeed made me anxious sometimes.
D kept on telling me that I shouldn't worry about that because Aidan is devoted to our relationship more than I imagine. Maybe I should give it a break and enjoy my life.
Today Aidan asked me out to the park for some kind of mini picnic after school. As the bell rings, I rush to the parking lot. I saw Aidan talking to Nancy ... he is smiling and .... is he blushing? Then Nancy walked away.
'Hey! Let's go.'
"Hey, you're kinda early huh. I need to fetch some supplies."
'Ok.'
He starts the engine. We stop at a waltmart to buy things to eat at the park.
"You're pretty silent today. Did something happen?"
'I saw you talking to Nancy. What were you guys talking about?'
"Oh, that. Nothing. Nothing important."
-silence-
"Are you jealous?"
'Should I be?'
"I don't think so. She was making jokes about Mr James in Spanish. His wig moved while he was writing on the board (laughs) . "
'You guys were walking together from class to your car?'
"Yes. Is that a problem?"
-silence-
'I should leave. I don't feel like going to the park. I'll take the bus.' (Starts to walk away)
"Wait, (hold my arm) I'm sorry if you're not happy with me talking to Nancy. I'll keep that in mind. I appreciate your honesty with your feelings. Is there anything else I should know about?"
'I don't feel comfortable with you getting the attention of others lately. I feel insecure sometimes. Yes, I am jealous. *sigh* I just, -a pause- the fact you had a major crush on Nancy... Now she's making herself available to you ... It's just doesn't add up well. Why now?'
"Hey, I know you had a lot in your mind lately. I can promise you that you have nothing to worry about. I have noooooo feelings at all to any of those girls even Nancy. I'm with you now. I am lucky enough to be given the chance to be with you. Let's not let others ruin what we have.'
'I know but, it had not been easy for me lately. I'm, sorry if I'm being too paranoid or exhausting to you. I just..'
"You are not exhausting, at least I'm aware of this. Hey, come here, *tiptoe, tried to kiss my forehead*
'You're cute. Hahahaha!'
That's how he would act whenever he had lost his words to consult me. It is silly but it always works. It made me feel better.
We left the waltmart. He drove us to the park. The park is filled with kids playing at the playground and some dads playing catch with their sons. It's just a normal park.
It took five minutes or so for us to actually start talking with each other. I'm a talker but whenever I'm with Aidan, I just prefer how he starts the conversation. Sometimes, he would say a word and I would pretend I didn't hear it and it goes from there. Some other time, he would stay silent until I decide to go back. I guess his presence is good enough for me to feel, safe? Maybe less alone.
"You see that kid over there, I think we share the same height but he is definitely younger.. Do you think I'll grow taller or ... it's already game over for me? Maybe I should get a knee surgery or something."
'Hahahahaha! I don't think you had stopped growing. Maybe puberty is just stuck in traffic. You'll be taller! Trust me. Guys stop growing when they reach 20, around that I guess. Unlike me, I had stopped growing in height. One day you maybe you don't have to tiptoe anymore.'
"I will still tiptoe for you. Anything for you *making his cute face*."
'Good for you. Aidan, you do know you are free to hang out with your friends. I'm fine if you need some space.'
"I know and you too, can do the same. I rarely see D with you."
'She's busy lately. She said she needed to make extra money for college but I think she's seeing someone because I went by her workplace the other day and they said she's not in today. I respect her privacy so I think when she's ready, she will tell me about it.'
"I thought you guys talk about everything to each other. What do you think she's hiding from you?"
'It must be important because she never did that since... nevermind. We still talk during lunch.'
"Go hang out with her tomorrow. Maybe she wants your company but you are not available."
'I always make myself available for her. Even when I'm with you.'
-silent-
"Be honest with me. Do you think our relationship could go far?"
'Honestly, I'm not sure. I think if I lose you now, I could still breathe. My mind would still be sane. The thought of you being with someone else would disturb me but I could get through it. Am I making any sense? Why do you ask so suddenly? Do you think I'm not serious about us?'
"Nancy asked me out.."
'Oh. (pause) So what now?'
"I already said I'm not available anymore. I just, I just want to know if you have faith in us. We had been together for about three months now. We barely talk about us. I'm not rushing us but I need to know for sure about your thoughts."
'I don't get it. I feel like you are not telling me how you feel about us. Just, *looks away* tell me what you have in your mind right now. I bet declining Nancy was not as easy as you said you did. You must have had doubts about us because or else, why are you telling me now? I thought I made myself clear how uncomfortable I felt when we talk about Nancy in particular.'
"I'm just expressing.."
'Just cut to the chase Aidan. You want to give Nancy a shot. You want to know how it feels being with her. You want to relive your imaginations about her. You always have Nancy in the back of your mind even when you're with me. I can see it in your eyes how sometimes ... *bite lips* it looks like you're not here when you're with me. Maybe, I don't know, do you imagine me as Nancy when we ... when we ... when we're together?'
"No! Never! Ah.. why.. why do you need to go that far? I mean, *sigh* am I that pathetic?"
'I don't know. You tell me.'
"Now you're just pissing me off."
'I need to go.'
I just started to walk away. Aidan didn't even stop me.
I took the bas home. It got me thinking along the way. Am I being too jealous? I am overreacting the fact Aidan still had some feelings for Nancy? Am I in love with him already? *sigh* Maybe I should give him more space or I should let him chase his dream girl as I'm just holding him back.
I know my feelings matter but, what if he is just being kind. He stays because he felt that I'm too lonely by my own.
I should at least tell D about this. Maybe she could give me an insight on what should I do next. Shit, i missed my stop. I got off the bas the next stop which is about 10 minutes walk from home.
I saw Aidan's car. He waited for me? I guess I'm overreacting just now.
'Ai...da..' I saw Aidan is in the car with someone ... and the shadow of making out ... two people kissing.. I can't stop myself from walking to the rear window.
It's Nancy....
'Aidan.'
Both of them seems shock to see me. Aidan quickly push Nancy aside and he step out from the driver's seat.
"It's not like what you think."
'It's kinda obvious what's happening right now. You didn't seems force at all, the kiss surely seems more like eating eat other's tongue.'
"I made a mistake..."
'The moment you kissed her back, you had made the choice to end us. I mean, *shook my head* near my house? Are you that eager to show me that you had choosen Nancy? We're done here. Get out from here. I don't want to see your face anymore. '
"Stef, please, listen to me. I made a mistake!"
Life is full of surprise. I managed to hold my tears until I got into my room. I managed to cry silently. I thought .. forget it.
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