Acting

Assalamualykum~ So, last night he sent me a text saying he was going. And he asked for any last word. To be honest, i am so damn superb happy to receive a message from him that night. Then, the puzzles started to join together. Kinda makes sense. I mean, after i wrote about my camp and a little misunderstand in Twitter, he never reply a single of my text. Maybe he actually read my blog. Well, i don't know the truth but, why didn't he replied any of my text. At least he would tell me in Twitter or anything.

After last night, i cried like waterfall. Now i don't feel so hurt. I mean, i am fine now. Maybe i am acting fine but still, i am fine. I thought that, before this i can handle it so maybe now, i can handle it too. Is not like he is the one holding my heart or something.

Yeah, i cannot lie that i miss him a lot. I really want to know everything going on about his vacation and stuff. But, its hard. Being beside him was one of the best thing that happen to me but, i will start to fell selfish and hope for more.

I am too coward to admit that i still have feelings towards him and what so and ever, that's why leaving him without or with him knowing is the best. I can't be selfish anymore. It will end up he being mad at me or i will be so heart broken. Or both. I am just too fragile.

But i decided to keep things low. Chill up. Act cool. Like nothing happen between us. We are friends but, erm.. well, to be honest, maybe friend in fb n tw. I think . I am not sure. I just can't figure it out.

I think i am the most coward girl when it's all about boys. Man. It was created by Allah to be the leader in this earth. To be a guider of his wife. Patient. That's all i can think of now. They were create for woman and woman were create for man.

Only love someone because of Allah is the most beautiful thing. But, my love to him that links to Allah, i cannot think about it. Except being loyal. Being myself. Having someone that i care for so long that will forever support me. I wish that he would guide me someday. I wish all the impossible things. To far from now. I cannot imagine myself receiving his marriage card. I just can't imagine it now.

Acting? I will act that i am fine with my friends. I will act like nothing happen. I will act like i don't have any feelings nor i care about him. I will act like ... whatever it can takes to forget him.

I am being pathetic. I am being hopeless. I always pray to Allah to give me strength. Give me new hopes. Lock my heart until the right time. To be a good actor. To put this stuff aside and focus in studies. Never forget to tell and cry to Him. Remind myself about Him.

The beauty of this, i can grow stronger. I can handle heavier stuff. I can be more independent like him.

I used to understand him so much before this but now, i can't even read him much. He is really good in hiding anything that hurts him. I want to be like him. Someone strong inside and outside.

Sometime i wonder, in spite all the guys i know, why him? Cause he is my first best friend who is a boy. The first person makes me feel like this. even he is not my first boyfriend nor my first crush but he is my first love. Someone that i never regret saying that i love him. Well, actually, i think i never reply his ILY... I know he loved me as friend but, when i say love, i mean it.

Every piece of my heart worth. Cause without him, i maybe not strong and never learn to be strong. I know Allah plan it just prefect to me.

Nico, if you are really reading this, i just hope you told me that you actually read my blog. I am touched. I am sorry because it have to end up like this and it is like drama all along. Thanks for everything. i love you. I am gonna miss you. If we are suppose to be together, we will. I am sorry for everything. Thanks for being my first love. At least now i kinda understand love towards a guy more clearly than before.

Thanks for reading~ Sorry for my drama. Assalamualaykum