I decided to call both Max and Alex to meet me at my house the next weekend. I'm not sure how i should put this in words. I'm not sure what i'm doing but what i'm sure of is that, i need to choose someone or no one.
The weekend
Max: What are you doing here Alex?
A: I was about to ask you the same thing.
S: Both of you just come in. Wait for me in the dining room, i need to pay this pizza guy here.
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S: Okay. I know this is going to be a bit confusing but i'm just gonna be straight forward. Alex wanted a chance with me while Max wanted another chance with me.
M n A: WHAT?!
S: Both of you are best friends and also very competitive with each other. I'm not another race. I'm a human with feelings but I'm going to give both of you a fair fight. Any one of you who wish to withdraw, I'm totally fine with that too because I'm never wish to be in this position in the first place.
M: I'm in for it.
A: I'll give it a try..
S: Here it go. Tonight, let's pretend nothing happens yet. We are just 3 friends hanging out. So, please, don't make tonight awkward. I mean it Max, *looked at him* I don't need anymore in my plate or both of you are out for good.
M: I'll behave. I promise.
S: I got an important interview next week so both of you can't mess it up for me. Both of you get 3 dates with me before i decide who. It will be breakfast, lunch and dinner. The one who won my heart, i'll ask him for a branch. You can choose any day except if i'm not feeling it. As both of you know I always work late so expect dinner will be the most difficult date to ask. I would complain or say what i want to do or eat or anything, you guys plan it yourself. Any question?
A: This would be advantage to Max because he knows almost everything you like. Can i get some leverage?
S: A good one! It's not going to be easy for Max because he had the chance but he blew it. Okay Alex, you are allow to ask me questions prior to any dates. I'll only answer your questions not suggesting anything. I'll give you a head start. You choose the first date. Both of you get 2 months to ask me out because I know you guys will be travelling for the next races and everything. Maybe 3 months, we'll see.
M: How can we know you're being fair?
S: Well firstly, this is not a competition. It's about making me feel happy, safe and lifted.. For the first time in a long time, everything is about me. If anyone of you wish to withdraw, I'm fine. Even if both of you decided to drop off, i'm still going to be fine. Honestly, I never wanted to do this but deep down i need to know what happen if i actually give both of you a chance. I could end up with either or neither of you. I just want to live without regret.
A few minutes of silence.
S: Now let's eat and act like nothing happened.
I could feel the tension between both of them that night. I wish I had packed my things and leave for good. Start a new life without any of them but I can't help myself. What will happen if i actually give the chance. What if one of them is actually my soulmate but i left. I end up alone like how i used to be.
Alex is this sweet guy and kind. He is quite religious and i've always felt safe around him. He is a good friend and a great listener. I used to nag on him about Max whenever we had issues. I dont want him to be like a rebound. I dont need his sympathy. Yet, if he does fall in love with me, I think he deserve a chance to try.
Max, where do i start. For the past 3 years, we had built something extraordinary. We had each others' back. We were happy and so in love. We spent most of our free time together. I had no regrets being with him but he broke me. He can't expect I forget that. A whole month of numbness. A whole month being depress alone. Smile because i think it's appropriate, I eat because my stomach needs it, sleep early every night because i had been longing his warm hugs and his presence alone. It felt like a thousand year, like every second without him felt like a day. Time flows so so so slow without. As i wanted to step out, he came back begging...
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So Alex texted me before our first date. He asked if i have any allergy, any phobias. Basically anything alarming that he should be aware of.
First date with Alex : Lunch
I think he is being safe so he asked me out on weekend.
A: I'll pick you up by 10 so we can catch the first movie and get lunch after that. Wear something comfortable because we'll spend the evening on beach.
S: That sound perfectly good for a plan.
I'll just fast forward to the date.
He picked me up at 10am sharp! He gave me flowers, sunflowers to be specific. He drove us to the cinema, so far i felt normal being with him. I didn't wear any disguise to go out with him. There is no spotlight. I mean, he is very humble and just sweet.
Instead of eating at the mall, he decided to drive somewhere. I was kinda surprise to see we arrived at the beach. He asked me to close my eyes, he lead me to ...... a seafood pub! How did he know i was craving for seafood!! It was hard to find the time to eat fresh seafood especially while working. You know i work late most days and barely eat properly. I mean, the delivery guy technically knows me already. I personally texted him for my usual.
"I heard you love lobster. Here we are *with his shining innocence smile*"
"Did i told you that?"
"No no no, it was from our past conversations. Remember you were pissed that Max because you ordered too much lobster for three days in a row."
"Yeah, that.. Wow you remember that huh."
"Sort off *looks away* it was the first time you called me out of the blue to tell me that. I only laughed.."
We ate, i mean i ate lobster and even ordered takeouts. Alex lead me down to the beach and even bought some sunblock with him in case i need it. I MEAN, ISN'T THAT SWEET AS HELL!
"Serene, can I, er, can I..
"Yeah?"
"Can we hold hands?" *his face bright red
"yeah.. sure *smile back and trying my best not to blush"
Alex asked if i wanted to watch sunset but i told him maybe next time because its 3pm and we need to wait like 4 more hours. We headed back and Alex made a pit stop at a bakery. He bought some muffins and bread because he was worried if im still hungry.
He sent me to the door. I glaze at his adorable eyes, could hear sound of kids playing around the part, it is weird to actually describe a glaze. I kissed him on the cheek, i said, thank you for the day. I'm looking forward for the next one :)
Alex is like a high school sweetheart that i had always wanted. Someone so secure and sweet all along. That must be at least something.
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Alex texted me as he reached home and said some other sweet things. Suddenly Max called,
M: Hey, you free tonight?
S: I'm kinda exhausted, ive been out all day.
M: With (pause), dont say it. I knew it already. Please, just a simple dinner. Wear anything casual, i dont mind. You dont need to wear any disguises or whatever. Just a casual dinner.
S: Ok fine but it better be good.
M: Trust me, you'll love it! I'll pick you up at 8? One hour enough for you to get ready?
S: You said it's casual so make it half hour.
So right now, I'm getting ready for another date. That's fun? I guess so.
Max picked dinner at the first date. Honestly I imagine the last date with him will be a dinner because he lovesssss exclusive dinner.
*Hon!
Max in on time. I mean, i go out with racers, what do you expect.
"You look stunning as always :)"
"Thanksss. You too, look very casual."
"Before that, here you go. *Gives me like a basket full of cookies container. It's from nanna."
"My nanna???? Italy? Are you serioussss???"
"Yupe, i called and I had some friends there to pick it up personally and bring it here. I had to make sure no cookies damage tho so i took 2 to 3 pieces ...."
"It's fine. OMG i missed her.."
"Hey, save any tears for other day okay. Let's go!"
He pulled out at a housing area which im not familiar of.
"Dinner here?"
"Well, hurm, let me explain. This person, he used to be a chief in somewhere famous but he retired but, here's the best part. He accept private request for him to cook. Very exclusive dinner. He only accepts certain people to dine in his home. We are among them tonight :)"
"(I told you, he loves exclusive dinner) Wow, I did not see that coming at all."
We enter the house and go straight to the dining hall. The house looks normal, i mean, nothing beyond expectation. Besides us, I saw like another 2 couples here. I bet he only accepts like 6 people once.
Max told me that he had asked favor from the chief to prepare a special dinner for me. I told Max, he shouldn't go too far with this. I appreciate it but it's not about winning me like a trophy. We only go out like this on special occasion back then.
"This is the special occasion. An occasion of me winning you back. I know I had been such a dick last month. I was not being realistic at all. Please, let me explain myself. *I just shook my head* When you started to talk about your future plan, I was very happy for you. You kept on talking about how great it would be for us. By that time, i dont really see myself in the picture. I think hard on what you said and i felt like im holding you back. I want you to grow your own wings and fly as high as you wish. I will always be down here to catch you if you ever fall. I mean it in a good way. I wanted you to go forward without looking back."
"We could talked about it......"
"Wait, let me continue. I know if I tell you any of this, it will make you harder to leave. I appreciate that. I know how much you care about me. I know that no matter how far you go, you will always find your way back to me like how we used to resolve our issues together. I know I should had consider your opinions on this. I know its unfair for me to decide things for you. I just... I just want the best for you..."
"What changed your mind? Why now? Why don't you just leave like you thought it was the best for me."
"I cant.... I barely live without you. I cant even throw any of your stuffs away myself. I love it being there. I just love the idea, you might come around and talked me out of my stupid decision but, you, didnt... WHICH I totally get it. Most days I would wake up and check my phone if you called or texted me. I would look beside me if you might come back one night and sleep beside me like nothing happened. I was being pathetic. I was so selfish to decide things so drastic but I'm also so selfish right now because I want you by myself. I cant shake the idea of you being with any other man. I..
"Stop. I appreciate your explanation. I mean it. I was miserable without you too... I barely felt alive, im so dead inside.. *sigh* Can we enjoy tonight like nothing happened.."
"Yeah sure sure. I'm sorry *wiping his own tears* I'm sorry.."
*Your meal is here. For the first course we have fish with bla bla bla*
I looked at him and everything just felt like in silence. Right now it's just you and me. Some part of me wish im not here, another part of me felt relieve because now i know why he did what he did. Im not sure which side i am right now.
The dinner felt like im at home (Italy) with my mum and my dad. Tasted sooo good and i miss home more than i thought i do. After dinner, instead of going home, Max drove us to the hill area.
"Why are we here?"
"Tonight will have meteor shower and i know where is the best spot!"
"Are you sure? This place is already flooded with people. I don't think we will have our own space."
"Trust me. Come!"
He dragged on into upper part of the hill and we actually found a space for ourselves. He laid out like a mat? I dont know, it's pretty dark to see what actually it is. I'm sure its a cloth. We also have a good view. I looked up and wait for it to happen. Suddenly Max play some songs on his phone. It was all of our favourite songs. The songs i usually play while i cooked in the kitchen, while i bath, songs i played when we ate dinner, songs we play in the car. We have the same taste in musics. All the memories approached me like a lightning. I could smell the grease of me cooking in his kitchen, his car perfume and his usual body wash, shampoos.
While gazing onto the meteors, i'm actually crying. I dont even realize when i started but i know my face is wet. Very wet. Without saying any words, Max wipe the tears with his sleeve. 'Let's dance to this song' he said
We slow dance on this song, little do you know.
I do miss us.
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