Depression story : personal experience but worth the share

Dairy is one of my gateway because back then, people around me which includes my family dont understand me. The struggle as a teenager is real. I mean, growing in this family is a blessing but that does not mean things are perfect.

As i watched 13 reasons why season, i felt sorry for hannah's family because they were left in the dark about her anxiety and depression but at the same time i understand why. Some of us are not lucky enough to have concern parents that actually looked into depression for kids or things that related to mental issues. In the circle of 'some of us', most of us would still survive without therapy and proper care because we motivate ourselves and believe about living with purpose yet, there are teenagers or young adults out there still struggle. Struggle as i mean, they believe that suicide is the only solutions. For sometime i thought, only people my age are facing this hard reality, but people older and more success like Kate spade and the chief, i dont remember his name were the latest suicidal victims.

There are parents who questioned, why are they not inform about these problems. Why do their kids hid it, hold it.

My opinion, it is easier. They would ask a lot of questions and compare about when they were young-shits. I am a complicated person who they mistaken my young "less love" self was just being dramatic. I remembered how my older siblings would get most of the things and i were always left alone. They never asked me about my time when they left for bording school. They got a lot of friends but they never care if i had any friends. I didnt have anyone to play with at home. I was always, school, tuition, homework, some telly and sleep. I was too young to understand about depression but back in the days, i was happy because in school, i had a lot of good friends. It was easier back then. Studying was also not bad. I was so young that i didnt care about these things.

Indeed, success and wealth are not the solution.

I am not here to judge you for your issues that cause your depression but i understand how it feels. There are people who said, "We dont see any sign of depression and loneliness. She/He was always happy." I was one of that people who had anxiety and depression but hide it very well. In the day i would smile and laughed with my friends like the problems that i am having is just another joke, at night, i cried. The same thing for a few weeks maybe a month, im not sure.

I just broke up that time and honestly, even though the relationship didn't last over a year and we are still young and shits but i was so in love with him. He was just a simple person but he was there when i really needed someone during my dark days in school. I am the average girl who can't really score in my tests and i remembered failing most of my quiz and for my mid term, i pass a paper. "Pass". Its not an A or B, its a solid C. I worked hard but things didn't work as planned. I had a crush on a person who looked down to me because, i dont know why or what rumor spread about me. I had crush on him because i needed at least something to strive me to gain my strength. It was not about the person it was more about motivation. It was different about having friends when you get older.

They said, you get older and wiser. In what part? You cant simply judge someone based on numerals. Digits.

Different digits different rules. The more the digits, the stricter the rules. When you were young, people dont really care what you are doing let alone what you want to be. As you get older, they questioned and complaint or compare what we are doing and judge our ambition. When their opinions matter, they would disappoint us with lame advises and prefer to discourage, i guess it is easier to be mean than nice. I remembered telling my school counselor on the first day i stepped in my secondary school, I said i wanted to be a writer and he said, JK Rowling was a divorcee. I thought to myself, not all writers are divorcee.

You know, it took awhile to realize that the one giving endless support is actually YOURSELF. I am not the lucky person who have positive people around me a lot.

I had hard time in my 2 last years in school. It changed my life. I know some people thought bullying verbally is ridiculous but it did changed me. I had a group of girls ganging up because they hated me. All my endless hard work to be someone crashed down because 'the adults' thought for the best interest of my batchmates thus their opinions matters for the first time. The one opinion that lead me to a revenged a person. I cant help myself but blaming them because until now, i had hard time to forgive people who actually ruined me. The person that cause the problem still got his title while i got all the shits. I would still remember what they had done to me even i already have a better life and some of them are very very nice to me. I always prayed that i would let go of it better now.

It was indeed endless of shits that i did had those suicidal thoughts. It was easier to just die along with those shits.

But i cant do it. I know i cant. Even id i wanted to die, someone has to do it for me.

Thats the good thing about Islam. They taught you about afterlife and i believe in everything i were taught. It was not enough to prevent me from commiting sins but enough to convince me that, suicide, straight to hell for infinity. Well, that is too much.

I know it is not easy for some people having these mental issues without proper care to actually help her/himself.

I remembered i was heart broken when i see most of my friends were happy with their other friends. It got to me. I felt cheated but actually it was not my rights to prevent my friends from making new ones. i tried to make friends too. i tried hard and no one could replace them. It took me about a year to actually have like 2 people to be called as best friends and a group of friends that actually care about me. Indeed i am blessed.

I wanted to give each one of those people a credit because without them, i might still deal with depression worst. It was those small gesture and 'are you okay' sudden texts that would calm me down. Eventho i would say, im fine when im not, at least you people still have the courage to say it. So, actually it is not wrong to suddenly text someone (a friend) even if you are not that close to ask for her/his well being.

I saw one advertisement about anti suicide, this woman is walking in the street then suddenly a guy approached her and said, ' you are beautiful, you need to know that' and smile. He just walked away after that. That woman smiled and walked home. She then clime the table and wanted to hang herself but she decided not too because she remember that man and her dad came home. They hugged each other. The point is, you never know that your small gesture could save a life.

I learnt that life has a lot of meaning if we want to put it that way. Everything changed because of you not others. You get to decide who you want to be and what you want to do. There are stupid rules to follow like get good grades and work as something 'professional' shits besides that, enjoy your life eventho it will still beat the shits out of you.

I am not saying life will be easier, or you will heal from this depression, or people around you will understand your shits. What im saying, put your focus on the beautiful things. If you are in a graveyard and its raining, instead of digging your own grave, wait, as the rain stops, see the rainbows and sunset.

Most important thing, DONT GIVE UP. Eventho you have nothing to loss but dont. give. up. on. yourself.