( picture a day before i broke up. we matched our colour outfits that day. 2016)
I'm not sure if that's even a proper proverb. I think i heard it somewhere before.
I'm pretty sure when my kids grew up and discover this blog, they be like, mom, you're exposing too much to strangers. Well kids, they don't even know me. Most of them. I'm not even sure why they stumble upon this page. It was not very informative, mostly just my sad love stories and the novel i wish i would write. I guess having a hobby is not gonna hurt me.
I remembered the time i needed to socialize again with boys. I just had a bad break up, I didn't even want any relationship yet. Most of the guys that caught my eyes were just for fun. I never approached them. They also had other girls eyeing them. I was not obsessed because unlike one of my friend, she actually knew her crush's timetable. As I was healing, I had a crush on this boy who was in the same lecture as mine. I only knew his name and instagram. The time a classmate (Person A) of his realize I had a crush on him, it was because i stared at him a lot. It was an innocent thing. One thing led to another, he knew about my admiration. FYI, i was not the only one who liked him. I'm not sure how the bit*h (Person B) who exposed me told him about myself. Pretty sure it scared him and I heard once that he had a really bad impression of me. Oh, another back story, the bit*ch that told him was his classmate who had a thing for him too. She knew about my feelings as I was talking to her friend, Person A . From that moment i realize, i'm not just imperfect (not that attractive), people who saw me liking them were even disgusting of me. Well, that should have knocked my confidence down the drain. YET, i grew more balls. I have nothing to lose. I can like whoever I want because I CHOOSE them.
I had a friend in school who told me that a boy should like you first. Girls don't make the first move. For someone who has beauty privilege had the audacity to point that out to me?! I was naive back then, I was a kid. I kinda trusted her. Yet, all my life, I only had a handful of boys that actually tried to make the first move, and most of them in my 20s. Only twice in school but they ended up breaking my f*cking heart.
Since that incident (paragraph 3), I actually had liked a few guys, even some at the same time. I had no serious relationship or conversation with any of them tho. It was just innocent stares whenever i saw them around campus. Some of them even took an effort to avoid me when they saw me. I'm not even interested in relationship. I talked to them like any other friends. You see, when you're less attractive in their eyes, every gesture you made looked like a 'move'. It was pathetic, I know.
Then, I met this guy. He was so accepting. He was cool. He saw beauty in me and made me realize it. How often do you meet someone like that? He was really nice. He was the type of person I would love to be in a relationship with. We met because his friend knew my friend. He even gave me chocolate during my birthday which I kept it for so long without eating it. It was precious chocolate. He definitely made me nervous. We were okay, i guess. I tried to tell him that I liked him (which i never did).
He was the first guy I tried to have a decent phone call (after matriculation ended) but was very nervous about it. We didn't talk for long tho. He was pretty much distracted the whole time. He made some really nice gestures but I just never knew (even now) if he was ever interested in me or he was just being nice as friends. He never made any grand gestures or lead me on. When talked from time to time and that one time I told him about how i didn't eat the chocolate he gave me because it was too precious. He asked me for my address and sent a new one. This time, he told me to eat it! I did and I kept the packaging.
I guess we stopped any communication after we both officially in a relationship, with different people, obviously.
Although we were not in a relationship, he did something that other boys our age failed me that time, it was, being a gentleman to a woman. We deserve respect. It's the least anyone born with chromosome X and Y should treat us, the double X chromosomes. You see, men are the one responsible on determining the gender of a child so if a child is born with his chromosome X, I don't see why he needed to treat us with disrespect because he did this to us. Ok, now im rambling.
I guess, that guy made me get out of my shell to talk to him. I got back my confidence after the dreadful break up. I'm forever thankful that we cross path.
Kids, this is just another exposure of one of my secret crush story that I never told a soul before this.
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