I'm taking a bit of a break from my fanfic. Even the whole day, I'm distracting myself from thinking much about those young boys.
Let's get back to this 'segment'. I had encounter some people who tend to bring me down and some of them did. If you scroll down, a few years ago I had come clean about how I was bullied in school. I didn't realize those actions were 'bully' until I reach, maybe 20. I told my close friends about how I was treated and how it affect me.
Thinking back, some seniors did pretty shitty things too.
Well, let's focus on the ones that actually AFFECT my future. At least, what I thought would be the future.
Back in 2012, I wanted to be the school team player but I was unsure what sport I want. Eventually, I became a track runner for a few events but never train properly. It was just for regional level. I tried 'bola jaring' before this but there were tons of better players. Not to mention how the couch discourage me whenever I played. I saw disappointment on her face, crystal clear. Some of my friends wouldn't agree but they were better than me of course they were treated better. It's fine tho. I totally understand.
Then, I saw my seniors playing basketball. I thought to myself, wow, girls playing basketball?? That's cool! So I started to play, for fun during riadah. One day they have selections for the junior team, I gave my all and I was picked into the team. I practise and train like everyone else. When my seniors saw my improvement, I felt great so I play more.
My teacher who was in charge of handling our team also recognize me. He got us a few gigs to play friendly with different schools. One of the schools was in Penang, so we went there. During our time there, my friends and I did something wrong. Due to tradition, 'SENIORITY' plays a major role. We didn't take the balls after practise or friendly, I don't remember the exact thing, back to our dormitory. It causes my seniors to feel like we had disrespected them because they were the ones who needed to carry it back.
Hence, the tension began.
We (juniors) must greet our seniors (every freaking seniors) whenever we saw them, 'assalamualaykum kak sekian or at least assalamualaykum kak' while nod our head out of 'respect'. When we were in Penang, there were just us, as the team so I didn't greet them properly so I offended them MORE.
When we got back to school, we (juniors) were scolded due to how we behave. How we 'disrespected' them. I was barely 14 so I got scared. The captain of the team and only like 2 others if not mistaken that scolded us. I became demotivated and it affected how I played. I was too scared I made tons of mistake....
Before HKSBP Utara 2012 was held, they made the last selection of teammates. The ones that will represent the school. I was chosen because my teacher had sympathy on me. I told him I tried netball but I was not selected due to high competition which lead to me joining basketball practises. There were only 3 juniors chosen (spoiler; those other 2 were the one bullied me fast forward in our senior years). Also, both of them cracked their legs from playing basketball.
I tried to decrease the tension by behaving better but I kinda suck in playing as everything I did just went south. I could do better when I practise alone but totally suck whenever we play in the team. It was too late, my senior already made up her mind to hate me.
During HKSBP Utara, juniors were the reserve players (duhh), we only got to enter the court last minutes. My senior and teacher said,"You will have more time playing in the coming years." (another spoiler alert; I didn't have the chance)
I had my first true devastating break up during the event. Shitty izzul decided that it's the best thing to do while I'm in one of the important events in my life. It was a few days before my birthday, btw.
I spent most of the time on the side of the court.
At least I did played for 3-on-3 Gatorade event that they held each year. Of course I lost miserably due to my shitty skills. I admit that I didn't play that well but so did a few others. At least they were not humiliated.
I had been humiliated and had self-doubt growing up, this event of my life is the highlight of it.
Honestly, I don't understand how some of my friends see me as a confident person. I guess I am very skilled in hiding my pain away. I swallow my pride and walk the earth like I had never heard any bad news.
Back to the story.
We won the 2nd place so we got the chance to go to the national level. Represent SBP Utara as the finalist. I was excited and pumped! I had always wanted to go to the national levels and meet up with more people. Of course I had the dream to be one of the senior players someday. I thought I will improve as I go.
I didn't.
As we came back from the school holiday (the event was held in our school and during break time.), I heard that my back-then friends (other 2 juniors in the same team) heard rumors that the captain didn't want me in the team. The rumors amplify as more people talked about it, I mean, others started to notice it too. We had a break from practicing after the event so I didn't meet any of the seniors.
While this shitty things were happening, one of my seniors introduce debate to me. Maybe my English teacher.. Well, someone introduce debate to me. I joined for fun. I had always love arguing with people.
One day, it was very clear that the captain didn't want me in the team.
This is what I heard, I still remember, each word;
"I heard the captain told the teacher that she will withdraw from being a captain if I stayed in the team."
It breaks my stupid heart. I fucking admire her as a player, a senior and her rep.
I don't know if people made some of the shits up to make it sound worst but the point is, I'm out FOR GOOD!
I never step back to the court as a player. I did play again for fun or for representing Theta (rumah sukan).
Just like that. I was pretty much banned.
Yall must be thinking, what don't you wait for her to finish school and join again??
I can't.
Basketball national and debate were held in the same event. I can't do both even if I wanted to.
She eventually finished school but I was 16, I'm in my senior years. I don't want to be the senior who has skills of beginners. Also, I was humiliated when I quit. I'm not gonna pushed aside my pride for the game. Beside, I am the seniors in my debate team, I trained seniors too. I'm deeply committed to debate. At least they appreciate me. Those debate skills have become handy even up until now.
Debate opened a lot of opportunities for me. I met tons of other people and still connect to some of them until now. I went to various SBPs when not everyone was given that chance. I got offers to join more english related competitions. I gained respect for people as a debater.
Without that shitty experience, I might miss out on a lot of other things. I'm grateful but..
It doesn't change the fact I was banished, humiliated and scarred for life.
I hold no grunge on the captain tho, I thanked her for the opportunities as a debater.
As I said, basketball events and debate are held in the same place and time, so I still go to the place they played. We support each other if we had the chance. I was not hurt as I watched them play, I did wish I play but you don't get everything you want.
I hate it when I needed to go through so much shits to be where I am.
I know I didn't play well but I should at least get a better farewell.
Well, the captain is not a b*tch but that event was a b*tch to me.
Sekian
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