It had been awhile since the last I had my meltdown. I had been in an 'okay' state and most of my anger was kept well. Nothing much triggered the anger.
Yet, today it kinda explodes. I felt so angry with my annoying neighbor. It was just a ridiculous thing but for me, personally, it was not supposed to be a big shit to them too. I guess some people just love to be shitty to other people.
No matter who you are, if you love to be inconsiderate, you're a piece of shit.
When you're angry, you feel so devastated by everything around you. Is it just me? In the end of the day, you feel shitty for allowing yourself to be so angry because now you just had a bad day. You're not even working yet you can still have a bad day.
You see, it took me a long time to actually discover the meaning of 'self-love' and fully accept myself for who I am. Physically, I am not attractive, I could be a little below average. Yet, I found courage by speaking up. I faced a lot of mocking and some bullying shits in high school. It's kinda funny how I finally see it as 'bullying' as I'm older. It felt normal back in the days. I was amazing but no one actually realizes that. As sad as it might sound, even my parents were not a big fan of mine. Can you imagine growing up in that kinda environment? The amount of self-love you pour onto yourself to gain more confidence to grow OUT from your cacoon.
The easiest way to distract me back in the days, I had a crush on multiple boys. That's why I have an endless list of boys that I liked. Most of them barely knew I existed, some were jerks (as far as I knew them), some rejected me and less than a handful of them actually became someone significant in my life. At least I learned a lot from those experiences. I could even write a book (maybe more than one book) about it.
Reminding yourself to love yourself every day is a REAL job.
I've been in dark places and I had done some things that I'm not proud of along the way. I still find my life unfulfilled. I know I could do better or at least live a better life than I imagine I would. I'm proud of myself for a lot of things even my family or friends don't feel the same way.
I'm proud of how I managed to get through with my heartbroken phase(s) and still have sanity.
I'm proud of how I managed to pull myself together and obeyed my dad's request to be tutored by 3 different teachers in Chemistry. (age 17) Then, I had one teacher who taught me in class and another 2 guest teachers who taught me along the way as 'extra class'. Now I realized that I had 6 teachers teaching me the same subject. At least I got an A minus.
I'm proud of myself for not jumping the building (my third-floor dorm) after having such a rough time catching up in matriculation. I had failed 4 out of 5 subjects in mid-term during my first semester. Also failed most of the quizzes. Not to forget I had broken up with a boyfriend just a month away from an anniversary without proper reasons.
I'm also proud of myself that now, I'm officially graduate with a degree (despite the 150k student loan) after 4 years of struggling. Even failed twice and got various grades. I graduated with CGPA of #.!@ All those tears and sweats actually paid off.
I have a lot to look forward to in the future. Thus, meltdowns are just a side effect of adulthood.
I'm a good person in general. I tipped most of the delivery guys. I might not contribute much to society NOW but someday, they will be blessed with my writings.
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